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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be mighty p***** off with dh for not calling from his golf break this am when ds2 has been really ill

38 replies

mousemole · 18/10/2009 09:44

So, DS2 ( 2) has been poorly all week with a nasty virus - had about 3 hrs a sleep for last 5 nights. DH has not been around much- working late, working away etc. He had a golf weekend with his father booked this weekend which wasn't great timing- he left early sat morning. Anyway, yesterday DS got much worse- stopped eating, fever back and developed these aweful blood blisters in his mouth that started popping and spurting blood, he looked like an extra from a horror movie . So, pack ds1 (4) and ds 2 in car and go to A and E. Wait 3 hrs and when seen they are quite concerned so lots more hanging around seeing various people and then we get referred to a dental hospital as they think he has some infection of his gums. So pack kids up in car, drive across town, unload and wait another hour to see emergency denist. By this point its 7pm, kids are starving, grumpy etc. Anyway, get seen and it's diagnosed as some hideous virus.
Finally get home -speak to DH who has had a great day playing golf and is on his second beer. Remain cheerful and not bitter and say speak tomorrow.
Hideous night - ds2 awake pretty much the whole night screaming in pain and then ds1 wakes up at 6.30 with a temperature and feeling sick .
So, AIBU to be mighty peed off that Dh by 9am had not called ( given I knew his tee off time by 8.10) ? I sent an arsy message saying 'so thanks for calling to see how we are' which prompted him to ring upon which point he says ' oh sorry I didn't call, that's rubbish of me -it's been a bit hectic this morning'.... . His hunogver voice just fuels the anger and I slam the phone down.
Am now sat here fuming with 2 sick kids wondering if IABU ?

OP posts:
lilacclaire · 18/10/2009 09:49

I would be annoyed that he still went golfing tbh, when you obviously need him at home.

norksonmywitchesbroomstick · 18/10/2009 09:50

YANBU - He should have come home last night when he heard how ill your DS is and should definitely checked in with you before he started on the beers last night, or actually IMO not gone at all.

I hope your DS's are not too poorly today, stay in your PJ's and chill on the sofa together.

Original poster
mousemole · 18/10/2009 09:56

well that's what I thought too - having had a week from hell I so didn't want him to go but didnt want to spoil his fun. TBH I was peed of he didn't even offer NOT to go IYSWIM. We are all vegging on the sofa as I speak and I am brewing over a suitable penalty...any ideas ?
What gets me the most is the feeling I am left with that he just doesn't care which is so hurtful.

OP posts:
Twintummy · 18/10/2009 10:08

I'd insist he came home immediately. You are going to have another rough night tonight so you could rest this afternoon while he looks after the kids.

Your poor children. I hope they get better soon. Sounds really nasty.

hercules1 · 18/10/2009 10:13

I would be mightily pissed off with him too.

Original poster
mousemole · 18/10/2009 10:29

Twintummy - I was kind of hoping he could come home, but no - the golf comes first

OP posts:
diddl · 18/10/2009 10:35

He´s being an inconsiderate ärse, but I also don´t understand why you didn´t tell him to come back when you made the decision to go to A&E.

How far away is he could he have easily have got back yesterday?

clam · 18/10/2009 10:39

So, you're in A&E with your son and, not only does he not come home immediately, but he doesn't even ring to see how you all are.

He's got some SERIOUS making-up to do.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 18/10/2009 11:36

Don't punish him - call him and tell him you need him to come back early. You should have told him that yesterday. Passive aggressive texts are pointless. I expect he assumed that if you didn't ask, you didn't need him. I'm not saying that's ok at all but you need to communicate, not just sit and fume.

Original poster
mousemole · 18/10/2009 11:46

he was 4hrs away on the train and I was kind of OK last night -felt I could manage. But after the horrendous night and other son coming down ill I reached the end of my tether. If he had called at 8 this morning before he teed off and said 'how as your night, how are the kids' etc I wouldn't be too mad, but the fact we didn't seem to register on his radar is pretty upsetting. Kat, you are right, I can't be arsed to think up some kind of punishment but equally I cant be arsed to communicate when he can't even call when things are going very pear shaped.

OP posts:
Georgimama · 18/10/2009 11:50

I cannot understand why he didn't come home when your child is in A&E and you have two others to look after. Why would anyone want to stay away from home playing golf and drinking beer when their child is in that condition?

Is there any point thinking up a "punishment"? Other than divorce, perhaps.

LaurieScaryCake · 18/10/2009 11:51

You didn't tell him and you didn't lay out what you needed from him.

All this remaining cheerful has done you no favours.

If you are too tired and stressed out to carry on then ask him to come home.

If you're not then let him enjoy his golfing holiday and make sure he knows that actually it took a lot of work and then have some time for yourself at another time.

Georgimama · 18/10/2009 11:55

Should she have to though Laurie? I mean if you were away from home on a leisure weekend and one of your DC was taken to A&E, wouldn't you come home? Even if your partner said they were coping? I would.

Original poster
mousemole · 18/10/2009 11:57

laurie - should I really need to lay out what is considerate and I think normal behavioiur from a husband ?! I am not someone to be a killjoy. not saying I am a martyr but really wanted him to have a nice time with his dad.
Should I really have had to ASK him to call this morning ? That is the bit I have issue with- that he didn't THINk to call us.

OP posts:
Boys2mam · 18/10/2009 11:59

I completely agree with LaurieScaryCake.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 18/10/2009 12:01

I agree that I'd be MIGHTILY pissed off that he didn't ring. I'd actually ask him to come home early. If I found out that my child was in A&E I'd come home without hesitation (actually I have done this when DS was taken to hospital... just glad that no police cameras caught me hurtling down the M3 back from Basingstoke....).

Not sure abut punishments, TBH, but I'd be sitting him down and laying it all on the line to him when he got home.

BecauseImWorthIt · 18/10/2009 12:05

Well you are giving out all kinds of mixed messages, even to us!

If you wanted him to stay at home, then you should have said. By not saying it, you have sanctioned him going away.

And given that he has been busy, he was probably looking forward to his weekend.

You didn't tell him how bad things were, but remained cheerful. So why on earth should he be expected to ring and ask you about it? You've just given him the impression that all is, if not well, at least under control.

You want him to have a nice time, but you also want him to be worried about you all.

You can't have it all ways.

And he did acknowledge that he was being an arse when you spoke to him.

Just tell him straight what you want without all the passive aggressive stuff. And you do sound like you're trying the martyr/victim bit, I'm afraid.

I'm sorry, though, that your son is so poorly - it sounds awful.

CaresMildly · 18/10/2009 12:12

FGS why should she have to think through everything in relation to her DH to make sure the fuckwit understands it?

She's dealing with the situation. He's an arse who is skulking around on a golf course rather than supporting his family.

Forget the passive/aggressive stuff - no-one really knows what that means anyway. A partner should be able to rely on their partner to be there or at the very least be thinking about them, without having to do a load of psychobabble first.

LaurieScaryCake · 18/10/2009 12:16

"laurie - should I really need to lay out what is considerate and I think normal behavioiur from a husband"

I take issue with this. He is not a child, he is your husband.

There is no such thing as 'normal' and a whole load of 'shoulds' in life is just setting your relationship up to fail.

If you genuinely couldn't cope (as opposed to just wanting to 'punish' him for what you see as bad behaviour) then you could have asked him to come home. Or you could have called a friend/family member so as not to ruin his weekend (as well as your own).

You're tired, grumpy and irrational and I completely get that (and you should do what you need to destress)but to pin all this on one missed phone call is projection and out of proportion.

ASK for what you want and then when he doesn't give it decide whether you choose to be in that relationship.

LaurieScaryCake · 18/10/2009 12:18

Yes, you should choose a partner you can rely on in a crisis.

When you actually tell them its a crisis and ask them to come home.

Original poster
mousemole · 18/10/2009 12:39

oh FFS - there are no mixed messages here and no passive/agressive issues either. Yesterday was a day from hell but there was no need for dh to come home - what was the point - the crisis was over when I talked to him and I didnt want him to come home. In fact - where have I said I wanted him to come home ? V. confused. ALL that I am pissed off about is that my dumb arse husband didnt think to call us this morning to see how Ds was. He has been incredibly thoughtless and I am upset. Obviously more than normal as I have had bugger all sleep for a week.

''You didn't tell him how bad things were, but remained cheerful. So why on earth should he be expected to ring and ask you about it''
I DID tell him how bad it was on the phone last night, I didn't want or need him to come home, I wanted him to have a good time but I EXPECTED he might call this morning.

'When you actually tell them its a crisis and ask them to come home.' Laurie - I didnt want him to come home, a phonecall was all that was needed !

'Or you could have called a friend/family member so as not to ruin his weekend (as well as your own)' - Actually I moved to this city a few months ago and all my family are 500 miles away so no family to call on.

And now Ds1 has a temp of 40 and is being sick.

I'm off to the happy farm.

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 18/10/2009 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsboogie · 18/10/2009 12:52

jesus. that virus sounds awful.Poor you. poor kids. Sounds like another trip to A and E is on the cards - I hope she rings Mr Golfing Weekend and tells him to get home this time.

Original poster
mousemole · 18/10/2009 13:28

I see your point about the text being pas/agg. The virus is truly awful -we may be being referred to Tropical Medicine as the dentist hasn't seen that virus in the UK before - normally more common in more humid/tropical climates. The most tropical place I have been to this year is Cornwall for 3 days

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 18/10/2009 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.