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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not wanting my partner to go on holiday 5 weeks before my due date?

50 replies

chloe2910 · 16/10/2009 16:04

My partner has 2 boys from a previous marriage, aged 11 and 14. He is planning to take the younger son (the older son is not interested) skiing in February half term with a friend of his and his son of the same age, because he promised to do so last year.

The catch is, I can not go with them as I am pregnant with my first child, and they are going 5 weeks before my due date. The promise was made before we knew I was pregnant.

Am I being unreasonable by feeling slightly put out that he would leave me 5 weeks before I am due to give birth.

I have not yet expressed my concerns because I do not want to get in the way of his relationship with his son (who I get on very well with). The concept of a new baby is enough of a transition for him, and he has so far been very accepting. I also am well aware that I am likely to be fine and nothing is likely to happen that far in advance of my due date. However, with it being my first, I am a little nervous.

Please advise/discuss ? am I being unreasonable feeling upset by this, and should I ask my partner not to go?

OP posts:

Firawla · 16/10/2009 16:07

hmmm... difficult to say, its more likely you would be fine and alot of 1st babies are even late, BUT if you were to go into labour or something even if called straight away you never know if he would make it back on time.
is it not possible to bring the trip forward and go a bit earlier maybe, or tickets all non moveable?

mumblechum · 16/10/2009 16:07

Sorry but I think YABU, 5 weeks is a long time.

My dh was working at the other end of the country when I was due & only arrived when I was in labour.

Is it that you're worried you'll go into labour when he's away??

I think it would be really mean to deprive your dp's son of his holiday on the tiny offchance that you'll go into labour 5 weeks early.

MrsJohnDeere · 16/10/2009 16:09

I think YAB a little U. Better 5 weeks before than any time after the birth. Unless you've had a very difficult pregnancy or have any reason to think the baby would come very early I honestly don't see the problem.

Would be horrible to let down the older children too.

I have a bit of a cavalier attitude to these things though - I let dh go to South Africa when I was 37 weeks pg. I was induced at 38 weeks, with 24 hours notice, and he managed to get back in time (just!).

Stigaloid · 16/10/2009 16:09

YABU

flowerybeanbag · 16/10/2009 16:11

I agree with mumblechum. Not ideal obviously, but given that it's half term, (therefore presumably not moveable), and a long-promised treat for his son who as you say is going to be experiencing a major transition shortly afterwards, he should go.

Chances are your baby will be late if anything.

Pollyanna · 16/10/2009 16:12

my dh went skiing when i was 37 weeks pg with ds2. It was fine.

iwantitnow · 16/10/2009 16:14

Is there anywhere you can go that week - to a friends or on hols. I would take advantage of being on your own for the week - a lovely peaceful week, probably your last in years... Yes YABU its 5 weeks, very few babies are that early. If you have any complications nearer the time he cancel it surely. Think its a lovely thing to do with his son.

jasper · 16/10/2009 16:15

yabu

DorotheaPlentighoul · 16/10/2009 16:15

It's natural to be a little worried as it's your first, but it would be a bit U to actually act on this and suggest they cancel. I would recommend that you be positive and try to banish your concerns. Plenty of people's partners or husbands have unavoidable work travel commitments near to the due date and tbh 5 weeks is not really very near. Obv you never know, but broadly speaking the chances of anything happening are pretty small.

Also if you do suggest it and they cancel, or even if they discuss cancelling, your DP's son will (justifiably) feel that he is being blatantly regarded as unimportant compared to the slim chance of you giving birth 5 weeks early. That seems pretty harsh given that he is about to have to welcome the new baby too, and presumably will be expected to defer to its needs a lot over the coming years.

mumblechum · 16/10/2009 16:17

Well said Dorothea.

kickassangel · 16/10/2009 16:34

i'd let them go. it's hugely unlikely that you'll need them for any reason, and might even give you a bit of quiet time before the baby arrives. will you still be working? if not, could you go & visit some friends, or book some treats like a manicure?

it also means he's honoured his promise, and won't feel it hanging over him.

however, i would say that he should NOT promise to do the same again next year, as by then you'll have a young baby to look after & will be busy.

Gargula · 16/10/2009 16:58

I'm going against the grain here but I think YANBU.
I can say this as with hindsight as, with my first, I was 6 weeks early. If my husband had been away, it would have made an already stressful and upsetting situation almost unbearable.
Yes, I'm sure things will probably be fine, but who knows? You're certainly not being unreasonable to be upset and worried by it. I would talk to him about your worries.
I'm pregnant now with no. 2 and there's no way my husband will leave my side from 30 weeks onwards! Well, I may let him go to work.

cat64 · 16/10/2009 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

OrmIrian · 16/10/2009 17:02

5 weeks is ages. Honestly. Would you be happier with him going after the baby is born?

bronze · 16/10/2009 17:04

Funny that Gargula as my dd was born at 27 weeks but I would still think it was ok for my dh to go if the pregnancy was progressing normally.

piscesmoon · 16/10/2009 17:09

YABU- he promised and 5 weeks is plenty of time.

Gargula · 16/10/2009 17:16

Bronze,
I know - something could happen at any point in a pregnancy, and you shouldn't put your life, or ask anyone else to put their life, on hold.
But I won't forget the fear of going into labour early and the worry for my child, and I can't imagine doing without my husband. Also we had NOTHING ready - so my husband was off buying teeny clothes, nappies a car seat, breast pump(!) etc as we don't have the benefit of other family nearby.
I still think the OP is NBU to be worried, and will still be chaining my DH inside the house from week 30

OrmIrian · 16/10/2009 17:17

"your DP's son will (justifiably) feel that he is being blatantly regarded as unimportant compared to the slim chance of you giving birth 5 weeks early. That seems pretty harsh given that he is about to have to welcome the new baby too, and presumably will be expected to defer to its needs a lot over the coming years"

Dorothea says it all.

bronze · 16/10/2009 17:24

Gargula - I wasn't judging you I was just finding it funny that people think differently about the same situation

fernie3 · 16/10/2009 17:26

It's hard obviously your dp needs to make sure his sons don't feel pushed out but having said that my son was 5 weeks early and my daughter 4 weeks so it can happen !

I personally wouldn't want them to go but I have never been in that situation so it's hard to say what I would do if it came to it!

curiositykilled · 16/10/2009 17:28

Yeah, YANB particularly U. If it is your first you don't know how the pregnancy is likely to progress. Could he not go at christmas or next year? Could you not go too and just not ski? It's likely everything would be fine but it's not like he has to go then, he could accommodate you a little in the plan. If you can let him go it will be good for him and his son because his son will feel wanted during this time when his dad is moving forward in a different part of his life.

purpleduck · 16/10/2009 17:29

YABU
orothea said (btw, are you Jon Bon Jovis wife? )

KERALA1 · 16/10/2009 17:31

Very tricky. My views coloured by the fact my babies came early (both 5 weeks early). Dont get taken in by the "first babies are always late" brigade - its just not true.

That said the needs of the existing child very important. I really dont know what I would do!

purpleduck · 16/10/2009 17:31

"Same as what D.."

Disappeared

oooooooooh - Spooky! And i just used the halloween emoticon

Lotkinsgonecurly · 16/10/2009 17:34

I'd be keen and supportive to let him go but let him agree that if needed he will fly back. Also its going to be much easier for you if they go away before the baby is born than during the next school holiday. You can have a much needed rest or catch up with friends whilst they were away.

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