Not wanting my partner to go on holiday 5 weeks before my due date?

[chloe2910]

My partner has 2 boys from a previous marriage, aged 11 and 14. He is planning to take the younger son (the older son is not interested) skiing in February half term with a friend of his and his son of the same age, because he promised to do so last year.

The catch is, I can not go with them as I am pregnant with my first child, and they are going 5 weeks before my due date. The promise was made before we knew I was pregnant.

Am I being unreasonable by feeling slightly put out that he would leave me 5 weeks before I am due to give birth.

I have not yet expressed my concerns because I do not want to get in the way of his relationship with his son (who I get on very well with). The concept of a new baby is enough of a transition for him, and he has so far been very accepting. I also am well aware that I am likely to be fine and nothing is likely to happen that far in advance of my due date. However, with it being my first, I am a little nervous.

Please advise/discuss ? am I being unreasonable feeling upset by this, and should I ask my partner not to go?

yabu

People shouldn't stop their lives whole months before a due date.

You are definitely not BU in your attiotude- yo've not said anything, come on here for feedback rather than upset your DSS- so it owuldn't be right IMO to type YABU; you are coming across as a thoughtful person who values a positive realtionship between your dss and DH.

As for the actual query- YANBU to be a bit nervy about it; I think that's natural, however I think you might tup into BU if you actually stepped in and prevented it.

Chancre are you will be fine. open up a discuassion about what will happen if something does happen- that was the stage in my first pg that they realised I had high BP / PEt and whilst I didn't need (OK I wanted but it was carnival day- Orm will understand and sigh on my behalf LOL) Dh with me, I did need him in contact and to know he had a plan of how to come home if things had changed- also have someone who can be with you JIC. Bag packed and alternative bitrth aprtner in palce will almost certianly prevent anything happening anyway

It would be silly not to open up the discussion with your DP but emphasise that you are not in any way suggesting he cancels, just that you would feel safer knowing what he would plan to do if something did happen, and probably that he'd had that talk with his dss.

then relax, buy in choccy and dvd's and enjoyb your alst bit of epace for a very long time

Even if your baby were to come early I still think YABU. I don't think you are a skier! It is unfair to promise a DC a ski holiday and then call it off on the slim chance that your baby is early (it could be late). The new baby needs to have a good start in life with his brothers-not be a cause of resentment before he is even born! It isn't as if he can put back the holiday until Easter-you wouldn't want him to go once the baby is here.

I think YABU but do understand your concerns, as it's your first.

I just think that a) the likelihood is that all will be fine and you'll be quite glad of a rest/break/time alone at that point b) it runs the risk of antagonising the 11 year old, who is probably already feeling a bit insecure anyway and c) it's really not fair on your dp to want him to break a promise to his child.

Could you have someone (your mum or a close friend) stay with you while they're away, just in case?
Dh went to Manchester for a football match with his dad and brother, 3 weeks before I was expecting ds1. My lovely mother-in-law stayed with me while they were gone and could have driven me to hospital if there had been any problem.
Just think how you would feel if they cancelled the trip and baby came two weeks late or something!

Um......

Did you not say on your other thread that you still play hockey, you are still horse riding etc...????

YAB VVVV Unreasonable methinks. Seems like you are allowing yourself the luxury of taking risks, but your dh is not allowed.

YABever so slightly U...5 weeks is a long time before your due date..its important that your DP takes his son on holiday and spends time with him before the baby is born..you dont want DSS to feel resentful of the baby before its born.
agree a contingency plan with DP "just in case" and if you feel a bit nervy about being alone during the later stages of your pregnancy..do you have family or friends near by that could stay with you or vice versa while he is on holiday?

Point 1) YANBU. My DP went away for work five weeks before due date, for two weeks and I went into labour 3 weeks prematurely within 3 days of him coming back. Found it quite tough and even though I knew he had to go it really, really annoyed me. Felt very alone, large and vulnerable.

point 2) YABU to expect him to cancel it. These things are sent to try us etc. Sounds like you're going to have learn to deal with his previous DS's and your new DS in all kinds of circumstances. Sports days will clash, weekend problems etc etc. The thing I did get from him being away at that stage of pregnancy however, was that I could, did and would cope by myself if I needed to. Given my personality that was very useful and made me feel much more independent/less dependent and less vulnerable.

Probably doesn't make sense but hope that helps.

Meant to add. Think it would be healthy to say I'm a bit nervous about being on my own and chat about it so he's nice and kind and calls/texts you often if poss. Also if you decide not to make a fuss and he goes, don't get stressed by it, which I didn't do. That's definitely not healthy for your baby. Make sure you have plenty of support and decide who you'd call if you needed help and make sure they know and are prepared to be available if the unthinkable happened.

purpleduck makes a good point...

Spot on Dorothea and MrsJohnDeere.

Mine went away lots when I was preg with DS and although I was a bit resentful it was the best thing as he had had his time off before the baby arrived.

At worst it would take maybe 6 hours for him to get back on emergency flight and very few first labours are that fast even if they come early!!

It is most important that he sticks by his promise to his son as you would expect of him for your DC. His love for his child must have been an attractive quality when you met him so don't try to get in the way of it (for this occasion and all the future clashes).

No trips in the first 3 mths without your approval though!

Tough one
But I had 1st baby 4 weeks early and a 6 hour labour and 2nd baby 6 weeks early so although before I had babies I would say that you are probably being a BIT unreasonable am inclined to say you're not really. BUT the chances are it won't come early. What does his DS think?

I stand corrected .

If you ask him not to go, (upsetting him/DS etc) and you don't go into labour, you might have him feeling resentful and unhelpful at the start of your new journey of parenthood together though...

Dd1 was 5 weeks early with absoltely no warning. Total labour was about 6 hours.
So with my experience I'd say YANBU.
Like another posater said, not only was it v nworrying, but I had nothing ready for her either.

However, chances are you won't go into labour and will have a v nice week

I think that 5 weeks is OK unless you've a reason to think that you might go into labour early. Dh is going away with work 2 weeks before I'm due. I'm less worried about labouring alone, more trying to look after a toddler alone at that point.

funtimewincies - I feel for you with toddler, I struggled in final month with mine (in June heatwave might I add), hope you get some help...

I think YABU. 5 weeks is a long time and this is only a half term thing. He does have a duty to his existing child as well as to you.

I do think YABU a bit at 5 weeks out - yes anything could happen, but you can't really put life on hold for so long, just make sure you can get him back if you need to.

Thought I would tell you my story just to give you a laugh; whatever happens to your DH it won't be this!

DH went away for a long weekend just before my first was due - we live in the ME, weekend was Thur/Fri, DS was due on the Sat. He was supposed to be working at the Baalbeck Festival in Lebanon, Wed-Fri, and as work was not that thick on the ground, I thought 'chance of baby coming in those 3 days, pretty slim, chance of DH grumping around all weekend if I tell him not to go, pretty high' and just made sure he had a ticket that would get him back straight away if anything did happen.

He called on the Wed, all excited, was up in the Baalbeck Valley and it was beautiful, the festival promised to be a fabulous event.

He then called on the Thursday. Israel had started bombing Lebanon, the airport was closed, they were being told to stay put and do nothing - later, they were taken back to Beirut and put into a hotel, from which they could watch what apparently looked a bit like a fireworks display out at sea...

I had my regular OB appointment on the Saturday - he still there, no immediate prospect of getting out. OB said 'we won't examine you internally or do anything else that might move things along'!

Eventually, the sponsor decided that he and his colleague and the only Western (British) manager in their office were to be driven to the Syrian border and flown home from Damascus. They had 3 cars, one each, each car had two armed security guards and they had all sorts of briefings about 'what to do if...' on this drive which apparently wasn't the world's safest at the best of times (this was just a normal international company btw, these were not VIP precautions) - got to the border, were transferred to other cars, there was an explosion at the border 30 minutes after they went through (though I don't think it was a big one) - got to Damascus airport, which was a bit chaotic due to a lot of Beirut flights being rerouted that way - anyway, they arrived here at 3am, I went to the airport to pick up him and the British manager, who came to stay for a night or two (can't remember) until the company sorted him out with a hotel.

One week earlier I had been really pissed off with DH for inviting people round to dinner as I was really tired in the evenings (working full time) and didn't feel like socialising - this Sunday night I was running around in the wee hours making up beds and driving to the airport; what a difference a bit of context makes!

Eventually gave birth the following Thursday!

facebookaddict - I'm very lucky in that I have my (fit and active) parents close by who don't need an excuse to have ds all to themselves. Otherwise I'd have firmly put my foot down about this trip!

Yuk to being v. pg in a heatwave .

Laboured in a heatwave too (3 days), stuck in hospital in a heatwave (5 days) then got out and it rained

realised that sounded a bit whingy....DD was worth it...

My DH was away with work for most of my 1st pregnancy, often in the States. He missed all but the last NCT classes, I'm sure they were starting to wonder if he existed! He got back to the country on the Sunday before DS arrived on the Wednesday.

Would you feel better if your Mum or someone came to stay with you while he's away?

My friend and DH are having DC2 (just announced pregnancy) and he is in the army (well both are but she is stationed at home due to DC1) so she will do full pregnancy alone while he is posted, and he may be sent straight back when DC2 arrives...

She did this first time too, but I suspect she hasn't quite realised the toddler will make it MUCH harder this time.

you see, it could be worse...

Hmm, interesting one, mainly because I had the opposite scenario... DH was going to go away (next week, in fact) for a motorbike holiday with friends in Portugal, but decided fairly early on that he wouldn't (so didn't have to cancel anything, just not book it). I was quite happy for him to go away, and sort of thought it important that he have a last 'guilt free' holiday, but he got it into his head that something was bound to happen if he went, so decided not to. as it happens, nobody is actually going, as friends never got round to booking in the end!
To be fair to him, I did get labrynthitis and ended up in hospital for the night the last time he went on holiday, so his worries are probably not completely unfounded

anyway, not much advice to offer really, as I don't think it would bother me in the first place, since I wasn't bothered by prospect of the same scenario myself...

I think YAB a bit U...........he has his son to consider and I think he would be so disappointed if he broke his promise to take him skiing.

I could imagine your OH and his son being upset at you if you insist they can't go and that causing tension and problems. Not what you need.

I had my first child six weeks early without warning.

I am now pregnant with my second and have been told that there is a good chance that this little one will arrive early too.

Despite this, I am not planning on restricting my OH's movements for work or leisure in any way.

He can't be expected to put his life on hold as soon as I hit 30 weeks until after the child is born.

I figure that if I do go into labour unexpectedly, he is only a flight or car journey away and will do everything he can to get there as soon as he can.

Just have your hospital bag packed and a plan in case something does happen while he is away.