To not want to lend anybody my books?

[MorrisZapp]

I'm totally open to polite chiding on this.

I have 3 large bookcases full of my lovely, treasured, lifetime book collection. I also have an ever-growing, ever-changing charity pile of books that I always invite visitors to take what they want from.

But so many people seem to think that other people's book collections are basically libraries, including asking for advice -'what have you got that I'd like' etc etc.

I admit I am a total arse about books. They aren't just literature to me, they are objects of beauty and pride. I keep them scrupulously (sp) clean and totally free of crumbs, dog ears and (AAAARGH) broken spines - how can anybody break a book's spine?

Anyhoo the main reason I don't like lending them out is that people generally don't give them back - this has been my lifelong experience. I know people aren't 'stealing' them, they just forget don't they.

But I don't want to give my books away. I don't want to have to ask for them back, and I don't want them to be dog eared and fat through misuse.

I know I'm being uptight and arsey, but AIBU?

YANBU

I have had DVDs not returned as well as books. especially one DVD that I couldn't get a replacement for.

Am not too fussy about condition - though food/bodily fluid splatters would disgust me. TBH I turn down the corners in my books/break the spines/batter the covers.

But I know others don't like it and are well within their rights not to. I wouldn't be offened if someone didn't want to lend one to me especially as I have a small child. I wouldn't ask though as would be too worried when borrowing it. I am not the most careful of people. I'd rather not run the risk

There is only a couple of people I would lend stuff to. As I know they give stuff back adn I then remember who I have lent it too (mostly). Though I was surprised that a book I thought I had lost was given me back by a friend recently (my mistake not hers).

I hate hate hate lending books. I lent my (much loved ) MIL a book and she loved it so much she lent it to (much less loved) SIL to read. I could cry.

I re-read books all the time, and I really fancy re-reading that one. Will end up buying it again I know, SIL will have taken it to charity shop or something.

I am a book batterer, I think that the words are precious, not the vessels they come in. Read in the bath and propped up whilst doing the dishes, so they get a bit bashed about. I also set about them like Geoff Capes with a telephone directory when they are new, so I can lay them flat.

I have also been known the rip the (empty) front page out of a book when there is no paper in the house (why?) and I need to write a note.

My books are precious to me (previous comment notwithstanding) and I intend to keep all of them forever.

YANBU, I sometimes feel much the same way: I do lend books, and very rarely get to see them again, which upsets me a lot. As does getting them back in poor condition which is just irritating.

But...we are desperately short of book space in our house, so I try to look on the bright side and see this as an opportunity to buy more books to replace the ones which head out into the big wide world.

For the record, I always lend willingly, and will frequently press books on people who I think will appreciate them. And if its something I really love and want to re-read, then I just take the hit and re-purchase it if it hasn't made it home within a year or so...

Even so, YANBU!

Come to think of it, we take the same attitude to lending books as to lending money -- only do it if we can afford (financially or emotionally) to lose it, and don't press the issue afterwards beyond a casual enquiry. That hurts less and you get a nice surprise when books or money do come back (which, actually, they generally do)...

I'm sorry realitybites, you mean you merged the books? Oh no, could never do that, he has his bookcase, I have mine. Just because there's space on mine doesn't mean he gets to put his books on it.

There is no way on earth I would lend my books to anyone who is going to take them out of hte house, so I'll except dh and dd!

Otherwise, there are about 2 people who I know will return them in good condition, but otherwise, no way no how.

I'm probably not very careful with my own paperbacks but I am VERY careful if anyone lends anything to me. I have a friend who graciously and willingly lends things from her beloved shelves but it would be a slap in the face to give it back in anything other than perfect condition. My own hardbacks though I am more careful with. No idea why. But I would probably lend them as the only people who would ask me would be friends to whom I could say "oi givvit back"

YANBU

My friends tease me constantly about this, as does my DH. I once lent my favourite ever out of print book to a dear friend who loved it, but dropped it in the bath . I have rarely lent anything since. I can't bear it if my DCs misuse their books, but they are only 2 (I have to keep telling myself....)

I own heaps of books, and this weekend finally got a giant bookcase and spent the time arranging them, after 9 mths in boxes following house move. It was lovely.

However, as a couple we only have 6 DVDs, 3 of which are childrens ones!!!! I always borrow from Blockbusters or something, owning them don't have the same appeal as books.

we should have got Malorie Blackman to contribute to this thread!

I have to admit, I'm with all the spinebreakers, but NOT with the page benders. Use a bookmark!!

the book is a living breathing thing, as mentioned already (so sorry for stealing words! ); you have to fondle it and manipulate it like a living thing. this means you might drop it and you might get it a little bit wet. (but not in the bath, that's akin to drowning!) You can't molly-coddle the books, you have to treat them like they can be used : they're not museum artifacts. And, yes, if it's a favourite, then underline passages, mark in your favourite quotes, comment on the author's thoughts and feelings (but in pencil please!)
the spine is only gently folded back so that you know that it's read (you really can tell on my bookcase which books I've read and which I haven't ) and loved most importantly.

a well thumbed, spine-bent and fondled book is one that has been treasured and whose words have been devoured.

I have to say, though, that if i'd borrowed a book from someone i owuld try my damndest to take it back in the same (or nearly) condition. yet another reason why i don't borrow books!
I made the mistake of borrowing one from someone i don't like, because he was trying to bridge the enemy gap... and i didn't enjoy the story and i hated not beign able to read the book properly. It was like having to wear the cotton gloves to look a precious copy. and it was only a proof!

"By indiechick Mon 19-Oct-09 13:15:19 Add a message | Report post | Contact poster

I'm sorry realitybites, you mean you merged the books? Oh no, could never do that, he has his bookcase, I have mine. Just because there's space on mine doesn't mean he gets to put his books on it. "

solve this dilemma by making sure you've pencilled your name into every single copy of your own books

Woohoo! We're on discussions of the day

Ok, this is going to make me sound even more anal but not only do I not like lending books but I never borrow them either, from a person or from the library.

I'm odd like this - I don't want to read any book that I don't own. So I do the research myself and buy what appeals to me.

I have close friends who also love reading as much as I do but our tastes are so divergent we long ago gave up recommending books to each other.

I gave my best friend an Anne Tyler and she came back all apologetic saying 'I couldn't finish it. Nothing happened in it!'.

I was like - it's ok, I didn't write it!

But the point is that I don't like having books handed to me and told that I will love them. If I will love it, I've already found it. And I will already own it.

The only person I allow to recommend books to me is my mum, as she has a long history of getting it right. It's awkward if it's anybody else because they are so keen to share their enjoyment with you and you feel like a right grumpy old fart but life is too short to be reading books you don't fancy out of politeness.

So that's another reason I don't go shoving books into the hands of my friends - I don't want to pressurise them into having to read the thing.

I dropped a friends' book in the bath once many many years ago (I was 12, to be fair) and have never gotten over the embarrassment of returning a clearly-bath-soaked-and-radiator-dried book. Even though it was part of that awful Clan of the Cave Bear series and absolutely deserved to be bath-soaked.

Now I am insanely careful with friends books and can barely bring myself to read them at all...

DH dog-ears his (and my) books. Used to drive me bananas and I must have bought him 20 bookmarks along the way. 8 years on and I find myself doing much the same thing. Although at least he never leaves books face down anymore!

We merged our books when we got married but compromised and kept a number of the 'doubles' if we both had an emotional attachment to a particular copy. Gave the rest away to friends

I don't think yanbu. I don't actually mind lending books but i hate it when i get them back coffee stained, broken backs etc. If someone does that I don't lend to them again.

As an aside, apparently in Spanish the expression is leaving a book 'mouth down' where we say face down.

Makes it sound even worse!

YANBU. People NEVER return books (and I am just as guilty of this as everyone else). I have a love for trashy chicklit and I am happy to give them away as soon as I finish them, but I hate it when people ask to borrow the others because I feel rude saying no but I know that I will never see them again. My mum writes her name in them, but I have tried that and it makes no difference! I tend to buy people their own copy rather than lend mine.

My sister borrowed one of my favourite books and then GAVE IT TO A JUMBLE SALE when she had finished it! She did buy me a new copy when she realised she'd made a mistake though. I quite like battered old books so I would rather have mine and buy a new copy to give away.

How do you manage to be so careful with your books when you have children??? I must say that I cringe when my kids stampede over theirs and I have put their "good" books out of sight for when they will be more responsible but I foresee many tears (mine) over damaged books in the future.

YANBU - I love my books and am extremely wary about lending them as I've lost a few that way too.
I received a prize when I was 7 for looking after books well , and still have a hardback picture book of fairy tales that I was given for my fifth birthday - despite innumerable reads, it is in beautiful condition.
I'm not too worried about the spines of paperbacks (although there's a difference between "normal wear and tear" spine marking and "obviously badly treated book" spine marking). However, I hate seeing hardback books mistreated. One of my memories that sends an appalled shiver up my spine is showing an acquaintance a beautiful new hardback cookbook I had just been given (Stephanie Alexander's "Cook's Companion", if anyone is interested), and right in front of my eyes, this person proceeded to open it and break its spine on purpose! I couldn't believe that she had deliberately damaged my prized new book in front of me, and was struck speechless!

I haven't seen her for years, come to think of it.

YANBU

I will only lend books to my mil as I know she will return them. She also lends me books she thinks I will like and I make sure I return them in the condition they were lent to me.

I am not so worried about the condition of my books, I quite like them looking well read and read in the bath etc.... That said, I wouldn't deliberately break a spine and I do look after hardback books a lot better than a paperback.

I won't lend to anyone else though as I have lost countless treasured books by lending them and forgetting who I lent them to!

I too am very precious about books. I won't lend them out anymore except to my mother and my brothers who feel the same way as I do.

Too many people have just left them on holiday, returned them after three years, returned them in a dreadful state etc.

One friend took umbrage when I said he should replace my copy of Marie Antoinette that he'd left in Tokyo because it wouldn't fit in his suitcase. He replaced it but not with good grace and several months later.

YANBU. I lent out a book that was very precious to me and I the person I lent it to hasn't spoken to me in ages. I guess I will never see it again. Sob sob.

But how do you say no.. without seeming miserable and miserly. I die inside when someone asks to borrow a book, but smile insincerely and say 'of course, would appreciate it back though', which, as we all know, means wreck my book then lose it, then deny all knowlede - help me here, what words do you use?