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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed by friend's 'generosity'

28 replies

legowoman · 16/10/2009 10:32

(Namechange so friends I've spoken to in real life about this don't know my usual MN name)

I've been ttc for two years. Best friend got pregnant second month trying - has lovely little girl now a 18 months old. We met up the other day and she said she had something for me - a pregnancy test. She said it was in her cupboard and she didn't need it (as not trying for another yet) and the use by date runs out in two weeks).

I know she is being nice but I felt really patronised and she was being really insensitive. Also, with two weeks left on sell by - what use to me really?

I know she was trying to be thoughtful but felt like slap in the face. I just smiled and said thank you of course but she always does this kind of thing (eg on her wedding day when I was single she said 'I hope you are as happy as me one day' - also trying to be nice but I felt like slapping her.

Go on - tell me I am a bitch.

OP posts:

curiositykilled · 16/10/2009 10:36

You're not a bitch, you are a little, understandably, over-sensitive. Try to take it in the spirit it's meant. Some people have terminal foot-in-mouth syndrome.

thedollshouse · 16/10/2009 10:38

You are not a bitch but I really don't think she meant to patronise you.

I was in a similar situation, I am pregnant now although it did take us over a year to conceive, I was discussing digital pregnancy tests with a friend who has also been trying for a while and I mentioned that I had a spare one she could have. I haven't given it to her yet because it feels a little insensitive.

overmydeadbody · 16/10/2009 10:40

You are not a bitch, you are just being over-sensitive.

A friend gave me a packet of smoked mackrel a few months ago because it was near it's sell by date, she knew she wouldn't be eating it, and she remembered bmy DS loves it. I could have been offended, but what is the point?

the wedding comment though? I would have cried at that tbh.

ShowOfHands · 16/10/2009 10:40

Your reaction isn't unreasonable but it all sounds kindly meant.

womblemeister · 16/10/2009 10:40

i think the wedding comment was nice and best friend-y, the pregnancy test was totally unnecessary, so no, you are not being a bitch. she is being patronising.

PuppyMonkey · 16/10/2009 10:40

She does sound a bit thoughtless, but prob meant no real harm.

wildfig · 16/10/2009 10:42

You're not a bitch. But she's not intending to be a bitch either. It's just one of those awkward things - TTC makes you super-sensitive, and getting pregnant straight away makes it impossible to imagine the emotional maelstrom of BFNs, month after month. She wants you to be as happy as she is, just like you want her to be as tactful as you are.

Bin the test, forget about it, and go and do something she couldn't do with her toddler in tow.

pjmama · 16/10/2009 10:43

It's a bit tactless and insensitive and I'd probably feel the same as you in your shoes. She's obviously well meaning though, if a bit socially inept! She probably feels bad that she can't really help you. Try to feel glad that she cares? Easier said than done I know...

katiestar · 16/10/2009 10:43

I did the same thing with a left over digital pregnancy test.They are not cheap and what is she supposed to do with it when she doesn't need it.I think you are perhaps a little over sensitive , but that's understandable.

MaggieBehaveOutGuising · 16/10/2009 10:48

Its the sort of thing I might have done, in a well-meaning-not-a-mind-reader kind of way.

I was in the shoes of your friend, and it's a tricky line to walk.

When I got prg with #1, I wasn't married and my friend who was married and trying and had had no luck for a couple of years.

I really played down my pregnancy as much as I could. There were four of us from uni and I was the first to get prg but there was a palpable unsaid feeling amongst the group that I didn't deserve it as much as *Jenny. That was quite upsetting but obviously I wouldn't have swapped shoes with her, so I still felt lucky. UPset and lucky if you know what I mean.

She finally got pregnant after my baby was born and everybody trumpetted her pregnancy from the rooftops, and she was 100% allowed to revel in it.

I was very happy for her and very relieved.

But it also meant I could now unashamedly revel in the enjoyment of my own baby (when she was one year old already).

My friend showed us all the magazines, talked names, tried on maternity clothes... all the stuff I never did.

Just................ saying. I think you're being unfair to your friend. Sorry. I don't want to be mean.

MaggieBehaveOutGuising · 16/10/2009 10:54

omg, just seen the wedding comment!!!

The same girl I was referrng to in my post did an incredibly cheesey thing at her wedding. There was a toast for the people at the single table, that they mgiht find love too one day! Everybody turned and stared and raised their glasses and muttered 'thatufindloveondaytoo'. I think they were really cringing too, but she got caught up in the drama of being in love.

Also, at the single table there were about ten people and not all of them were even single, one gay guy was annoyed his boyfriend hadn't been invited and they'd been together a while. I had a bf but he was quite new. Others had partners who were too casual to be invited (bride's words).... It was priceless!!!

Original poster

legowoman · 16/10/2009 11:24

omg maggiebehave... that is a horrible thing to do at a wedding. Wow. Quite something. I hate how other people feel the right to judge the validity of other people's relationships.

You are all right of course. Also the tests are expensive so in theory it would have been helpful - if she hadn't sat on it for about two years and then given it to me with two weeks left. I weed on it today even though I had my period last week just to ruin it out of spite. Oh I am horrid. (Imagine my shock if I had been pregnant!)

OP posts:

Heated · 16/10/2009 11:48

That was very generous of you, did she every realise how thoughtful you were, MaggieBOG?

There was a colleague who shared what felt like every moment of her pg. She even told us the position she used with dh to get pg

Coincidentally I was about 3 months further along in my pg, but told ppl who needed to know after the first trimester. She stood next to me in the staffroom and told me, "I won't let you take all the glory, ha ha" And oh god, the endless comparing of bumps and what those differences might mean.

Sullwah · 16/10/2009 13:17

I am no Green activist by any stretch of the imagination but I hate throwing anything out that could be used by anyone else. Especially expensive things - and those tests are sooo expensive.

So this is a thing I might have done.

I have recently had a coil put in and have packets and packets of condoms that I can't bring myself to throw in the bin (DH very optimistic and kept buying huge bumper packets). So I have a similar dilema .... who can I give them to without seeming rude?

pookamoo · 16/10/2009 13:24

Put them on FFP on here, Sullwah, someone will probably take you up. Mners love a freebie!

DorotheaPlentighoul · 16/10/2009 13:26

Maggiebehave, I'm sorry but that friend of yours sounds like a nightmare!

TitsalinaBumsquash · 16/10/2009 13:31

Sullwah - if you want to get rid of them send them this way i can send you a SAE or pay postage, (we get through a good few and the FPC is miles away from here to get them free) [email protected]

OP - I can understand it sounded a little patronisisg, she probably didn't mean it to be so i would take a deep breath and grin and bear it.

LouMacca · 16/10/2009 13:42

OP your friend sounds like my (lovely) MIL who bought us a child monitor while we were going through IVF

Well meaning but insensitive.

Sullwah · 16/10/2009 13:42

TB - ok - they are yours.

Sending you an email.

Wow - isn't MN amazing. Who would have thought I would be sending condoms in the post to a complete stranger!

girlsyearapart · 16/10/2009 14:02

Think she meant well and ttc makes you over sensitive.

The 'single table' arrrggh how awful!

Morloth · 16/10/2009 14:08

She is being a bit insensitive and your are being a bit oversensitive and the combination adds up to OUCH. Try to just let it slide.

busybutterfly · 17/10/2009 14:57

I think YABU - pregnancy tests are blooming expensive and I gave mine away when I was pregnant.

She's probably just trying to save you a tenner. Be nice!

hatesponge · 17/10/2009 15:24

Just on the most recent comment - YAB a bit (understandably) sensitive.

However given the wedding comment as well she sounds like a bit of an insensitive cow! Much like one of my friends who on meeting her current 'wonderful' NM (who is incidentally vile and somewhat creepy) said to me 'oh don't worry HS, there's someone this great out there for everyone, even you'

Maggie....think my friend would get on well with yours! single table bad enough - but the special toast as well!

melpomene · 17/10/2009 16:22

YANBU. It is very insensitive, especially if she raised it out of the blue when you hadn't been talking about pg tests. With only 2 weeks left on the test there wasn't much chance of being able to use it anyway.

Doublebuggy · 17/10/2009 16:38

pg tests do not explode on the day that they expire. I am sure they can be used for ages after that.

When I finally got pg - with nothing to show for it but a pale blue line - I was taking tests practically every otherday to proove to myself that it had really happened. And that was v v expensive. Would have happily used a friends expired test.

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