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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a bit mean?

117 replies

upahill · 15/10/2009 11:17

More of a ponder this one.
A week or so 8 women friends went out for a meal. Not everyone knew each other. Lots of different backgrounds. One of my friends is stoney broke but so looking forward to going out she sold some of her gold to go. Anyway, everyone was free to order whatever they wanted to drink whenever they wanted, we decided on no starters but shared popadoms and a main course. Everyone decided that we weren't going to have a sweet but some decided they wanted an Irish cofee or a ordinary coffee. Some decided they didn't want anything. No problem. Bill cameto £151 for 8 people.Someone said call it £20 each. We all got our purses out and twenty quid down. Even skint friend who said that was good, even two pregnant friends who had 1 soft drink all night. See where this is going? A well off acquantence suddenly says actually mine only came to £14.00. (she is so not broke and had plenty of cash on her) Everyone looks disgusted - she is oblivious to everyone being pissed off. I tried saying ' If you look at it as night out for £20, we have been here for 3 1/2 hours and had good service it's quite good value. Someone else said 'It's swings and roundabouts- next time your's might be more more expensive.'

Like I said no major issue but are we (the remander 7 of us) right to be a bit narked? Just a wonder. Thoughts please

OP posts:
Original poster
upahill · 15/10/2009 11:56

Thinking about it MagNaCarta have you noticed though soft drinks are as expensive as alcohol in some places? I had to pay more for a J2o in one place recently than my friend paid for a wine and lemonade. Now that is rough justice!!

OP posts:
IMoveTheStarsForNoOne · 15/10/2009 11:57

I used to regularly go out with a group who earned a LOT more than I do (Me on admin assistant wage, them on Surgeons wage) and they would go to expensive places - absolutely fair enough, I didn't have to go!

It was bloody hard saying "I'm skint, so can I only pay my bit" so a lot of the time I didn't and was out of pocket. My choice though... There have also been plenty of times when I've been in the opposite situation so it is all swings and roundabouts as the OP says.

squeaver · 15/10/2009 12:00

Yes it is a bit mean.

No you are not being unreasonable.

Cannot stand this sort of thing.

DailyMailNameChanger · 15/10/2009 12:01

I don't think the rest of you have a right to be upset really no... possibly she was BU by not splitting, I could buy that one (although I am not a fan of splitting bills tbh as I am the poor one)

However if her bill was only £14 then that would mean what you are actually upset about is that she did not carry a portion of your bill for you! This is simply not something you can be upset about, why should she pay for you? If she had have paid the high spenders would have been lucky to get theri drinks partly paid for, as she was not then they had to pay more of their own costs themselves - oh the horror

beanieb · 15/10/2009 12:02

"It turned out that the friend who arranged the night out put in an extra £6 in. I only found this out yesterday"

How come?

Didn't any of the rest of you even offer to put an extra pund down ? How mean.

islandofsodor · 15/10/2009 12:03

When I say I don;t drink I actually mean that!!!!

I can not physically drink large amnounts of liquid so will sit all night nursing 1 drink whether it be a glass of wine or lemonade.

Does anyone else wish they wouldn't do wine in such large glasses/ It really spoils it for me when I only want a small drink and the rest goes warm over the course of the evening.

greenday · 15/10/2009 12:10

I don't think OP was moaning about £6 .. but the attitude of the person. It reflects the type of person she is - self centred, uncooperative and definitely didn't care for the overall harmony and enjoyment of a group outing. If she was skint, perhaps benefit of doubt is in order. But she wasn't.

She's obviously not done herself any favours. Bet she'll be wondering why there haven't been any more dinner get togethers since.

Original poster
upahill · 15/10/2009 12:10

I only found out yesterday as I haven't seen mate since the night out. I've had texts from her. First one came once Igot home from restaruant asking did I like the plce. The next one came next day asking what the dish was because her and DP were going there and she loved my starter. Other text have been just quick chats. My mate brought up the subject about the meal saying she'ed been back and had the paneeer that I had. She then said she was embarresed by her mate doing that and what did I think? Kept it quite neutral because didn't want to moan about their friends. My mate said she through £6 in discreetly to stsop another (rather gobby!) mate having a go in the restaurant. As I said there were 8 of us and the commotion was going on at the far end of the table to where I was sat. We all came out of restaurant and went our separate ways really.

Dailymailchanger - I know you didn't know this info but she got a lift home from one of the higher bill payers who went out of their route to take her. This has saved her £12

OP posts:
Original poster
upahill · 15/10/2009 12:17

On My last post I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself when I said mate liked my starter and on my first post i said none of us had starters. I had a starter as my main as I especially liked the paneeer they had on starters but not mains. I could argue that I only had a starter and others had mains but that would be splitting hairs Joke!!!!

OP posts:
HarrumphingAndBosomAdjusting · 15/10/2009 12:18

Sounds very mean to me. Not really in the spirit of things is it?
She sounds a bit lacking in social skills. If she was only prepared to pay for what she ordered she should have said so at the beginning.
At £6? If you're well off, what's £6 in the scheme of things?

PuppyMonkey · 15/10/2009 12:23

It will come back to bite her on the bum no doubt, as you'll probably never invite her out again. A lesson for us all.

Original poster
upahill · 15/10/2009 12:26

Oh my goodness! I have just read back my message and the spelling is awful. Sorry! I looked at the post before I sent it and it seemed ok. However once it is up for everyone to see it is a different story.

I am interested in people's different points of view. I know it's not an important topic but it's nice to have different perspective.

My parents have always split the bill straight down the midle and my husband always does without thinking about it. Even when we have been out with famlies who have had 3 children eating adult meals and my two have been on kids portions.
Every time I've been out for a meal with friends in the past it has always been a split without discusion so I think this is why it has caught me on the hop a bit.

OP posts:
DailyMailNameChanger · 15/10/2009 12:28

Upahill, I don't think htat really changes anything TBH. Presumably she arranged that with the lady in question? Who could have asked for a contribution if she wanted to? DO you know if the "offender" offered but was turned down?

It does not change the fact that you cannot be cross that she did not part pay for other peoples meals! I understand that people like bill splitting and it makes it easier, less to think about, it is just nice and so on but the fact is that you are complaing that she did not pay for someone elses food/drink for them and you cannot do that - it is not a reasonable thing to expect someone else to fund your meal.

For the sake of a group etc I think bill splitting is nice and the best solution, I also think people who complain about those who don't bill split are out of order and sound a bit...grabby.

2010Dad · 15/10/2009 12:30

Fussing over 6 quid is a bit much.

DH and I recently went to a friends birthday dinner and once the bill was split we ended up paying close to £100 for the two of us, which was about £40 more than the cost of our food/drink! I paid, of course, but made mental note to avoid meals out with that group in the future wherever possible!

2010Dad · 15/10/2009 12:33

Oops, I meant to say DW.

TheDevilEatsBabies · 15/10/2009 12:34

i don't like splitting bills equally because as vegetarian and don't drink much my bill is usually less than everyone else.

but! if i went out with a large group, i would NOT expect people to know that! i always say before we start that I would prefer to pay for my own and not share the bill.
whether people agree with that is another matter.
but i don't like sponging either, so i would not accept someone else paying part of my "share"

if your friend was going to do this (and come on, she must have known!) she should have said at the beginning.
and taken a calculator and offered to work out everyone else's too.

girlsyearapart · 15/10/2009 12:35

Awful when people do that.

Yes do agree non alcoholic drinks are nearer to price of alcohol. A pint of fresh oj is usually more than a pint of lager..

YANBU

DailyMailNameChanger · 15/10/2009 12:36

Depends TDEB, if you are used to it being the norm then you would just expect people to have kept a bit of a running total in their head - at least that is how the bill breakers I know do it! TBH splitting like this is not really the norm where I am and the basic expectation is to break the bill at the end when some people may say "shall we just split it?" and the decision is made from there.

Original poster
upahill · 15/10/2009 12:38

like I said, I'm not moaning -just wondering how people see things. All the other 6 people have their opinions about it -some quite strong. Mine isn't really stong one way or another. I just know what to expect next time!

OP posts:
procrastinatingparent · 15/10/2009 12:42

I went out for lunch recently with some people I don't know very well and ended up splitting the bill equally even though I didn't have any drinks, alcoholic or not. The extra came to £6 which is significant for us, but obviously I didn't say anything because I didn't want to embarrass myself or other people.

My problem is that I am out of touch with eating out in a group. I haven't done much bill splitting since student days (20 years ago!) when everybody just paid for what they had had - and very complicated the maths was too! Usually when we go out with other people, we are treating or being treated.

I don't feel resentful but it has brought me up to date with convention - and it has made me realise that it could cost quite a lot to start hanging out with this lot, so we are going to be careful which invitations we accept.

Vinomum · 15/10/2009 12:43

when I go out with my mum friends for group dinners it can be tricky because there's a huge disparity in our income levels. We generally split the bill according to how much booze everyone's had, as it's the booze that really adds to the cost of the meal. So those that don't want to pay much for the meal tend not to drink which I think is fair enough. We'd never actually work out to the penny how much our individual meals cost though - we just split the cost of meals and soft drinks equally between the non-drinkers.

This reminds me of an ex flatmate of mine who insisted that we split the BT phone bill exactly 5 ways - including calculating the proportionate amount of line rental and VAT!!!

PixiNanny · 15/10/2009 12:44

I hate that too. YANBU. I'm a veggie, and in most places the veggie stuff comes up a lot cheaper, add that the the fact that I don't really drink my bill can be up to a tenner cheaper than everyone elses (usually at least a fiver). I still put forward an equal amount to everybody else. I had somebody complain about theirs only being a certain amount before; they shut up after I pointed out that mine was a good few quid cheaper than theirs!

Mybox · 15/10/2009 12:44

If one person wants to pay just for what they had then it should be that everybody pays for just their bill.

MaggieBehaveOutGuising · 15/10/2009 12:47

I'm usually the brokest when I go out, but I just assume it will be x amoutn, and accept that (even if it's with stoic resignation!) then you eat, drink and be merry because if you can't beat them, join them. although I don't like irish coffee, i might have an extra coffee rather than sit there waiting for them to finish and working out how much more it was adding to the bill.

I went out with a bunch of mums from a toddler group and at the end we had to work it all out separately. I had a calculator in my bag because I knew what they were like from the last time. I was totting it all up and giving them their cost, the waiter, a cheeky whippersnapper said to us "are yoo German?" I was 'morto'. The others were on another planet. planet oblivious. They said "why did he ask if you were german?"

NeedCoffee · 15/10/2009 12:48

It depends really
"A well off acquantence suddenly says actually mine only came to £14.00. (she is so not broke and had plenty of cash on her)"
would you still be posting this if she hadn't have been well off and was the skint friend?

I usually always look for the cheapest thing on the menu if I know I'm paying for it as I'm skint, and would think that £6 would be a weeks worth of petrol for me!

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