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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Actually it's more of an 'Am I being daft/over protective?'

35 replies

mamadiva · 15/10/2009 09:17

To cut a long story short(ish) MIL offered to take 3YO DS to hers for a week tomorrow, to start with I was a bit because he's only 3 and I thought a week was too long but then we sorted it between us for a long weekend which was fine.

So last week she phoned and says she's booked bus tickets and she could only get for next week so DS will now be away for 9 days and 8 nights!

Now maybe I am being over protective or daft but I just was not keen on the idea from the start because she lives 5 and a half hours away by bus, but I kind of let myself think he'll be fine.

That was until this morning when he has been screaming constantly since 4am that he does not feel well, he has finally gone for a sleep, I told DP and apparently he should still go because he will be fine and I am just trying to stop his family seeing DS

So anyway WWYD if you were in this situation?

OP posts:
girlsyearapart · 15/10/2009 09:20

Well if you'd already said that a week was too long then she knew you wouldn't have wanted him away for that long so you''re not BU.

Have you asked your ds what he wants to do?

Sounds like from your DP's comment there's some family history here?

ChopsTheDuck · 15/10/2009 09:21

9 days is longer than I would like, and my dts are used to going to inlaws.

Is he very used to it?

Hassled · 15/10/2009 09:23

I wouldn't let a 3 year old DC go in those circumstances. Apart from anything else, none of mine would have coped particularly well with a 5.5 hour bus trip at that age, particularly if they're not feeling well. And 8 nights is a long time. So no, not daft and over-protective at all.

anothercoldcupoftea · 15/10/2009 09:23

Trust your instinct - if you think its too long for your DS, or if he is not well, then don't let him go...

Firawla · 15/10/2009 09:27

yanbu you said a week is too long so she books for 9 days?? if it was me, then it would be im sorry but no.. you agreed on a long weekend. she cant sort the tickets out properly then he cant go. it is too long for an age 3 esp if not feeling well. your dh is being an idiot if he insists

TrillianSlasher · 15/10/2009 09:28

I'd be worried that she booked tickets for a much longer visit than agreed without calling you, and that your DP is being weird about it. Why does he think you would try to stop DS seeing his grandparents?

Colonelcupcake · 15/10/2009 09:28

YANBU 9 days is far too long for a 3yr old, I would hesitate at a long weekend! hope this can be sorted and your ds isn't too poorly

Poledra · 15/10/2009 09:31

I wouldn't let any of mine go away for that long (they're 5, 3 and 1) as they're not used to it. Actually, my MIL lives about 3 hours away by car, and she wouldn't even dream of asking for the DCs to stay with her yet without DH or I there (now, sending them all up there with DH is another matter altogether ).

troutpout · 15/10/2009 09:33

yanbu it is too long. Too long to be away from you and home

I'll wager that she would find 9 days with a 3 year old quite long to tbh

jelliebelly · 15/10/2009 09:34

YANBU 9 days is far too long and the bus journey will be a nightmare too. My ds (4) sees his grandparents every week but I would still be unsure about him being away for so long. If they don't see him that often are you sure that they will be able to cope with a full-on 3 year old esp if unwell?

pjmama · 15/10/2009 09:47

You are his mother and nobody can railroad you into this if you're not comfortable with it. To book for 9 days without consulting you is totally out of order. Stick to your guns. I think that's far too long for a 3 year old to be away from his Mum, especially staying with relatives that he doesn't see very often.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 15/10/2009 09:48

YANBU, I think that she is. Apart from anything else, if he was proper poorly sick how would you get to him?

Original poster
mamadiva · 15/10/2009 09:58

Sorry for not replying am trying to get DS to lie down or something, he keeps asking to go to bed then screaming the blardy house down to get up as his head hurts but he won't take any meds! Am reaching my breaking point here this situation with MIL is the last thing I need to be worrying about right now. She is coming up tonight and I know I will be painted as the selfish little cow who won't let her take her GC for a week!

To some it up, we moved away from our hometown when I found out I was pg because it was dog rough leaving DPa nd my family behind because my mum lives here an dkit is a lovely place but my mum is a single parent with a 14YO and 4YO twins so obviouly I don't ask her to babysit soi in 3 years we have had approx 4 nights break so in a way this was looking to being a big relief for me,Dp amnd am sure DS would'nt mind getting away from us for a while either

We have visitied about 8 time since DS was born and he has never been away from both us overnight. He has been away with DP for a week to MIL's but that's the furthest we've gone. When we are there DS just clings onto Granny and loves being with all his cousins (I'm not keen on the idea but that's another thread ), but my main issue is that he is unwell although he could just be tired because he was up at the crack of dawn and has been up through the night for the ;last week. He keeps saying his head and ears hurt but everything else his fine and when asked he says wants to go with Granny tomorrow on the bus but don't think he udnerstands we won't be there etc.

OP posts:
Tombliboobs · 15/10/2009 10:01

YANBU

I would not be happy that you agreed the stay and then she went against what was agreed. I would also be worried that he is not feeling well and they usually just want their parents when they are poorly.

itsmeolord · 15/10/2009 10:05

I would take him to the doctors today, it sounds like there could be an ear infection going on? V painful.

Obviously if the doctor gives him antibiotics then he is genuinely ill and shouldn't be sat on a sodding bus for 5 hours. (am thinking bargaining tools with MIL here)

It does sound very suss though that she booked the tickets for over a weeks stay after asking for that length of time and being refused.

squeaver · 15/10/2009 10:07

I think that's too long for a 3 year old (and for you tbh)

Pinkjenny · 15/10/2009 10:11

I am reluctant to let mine go for one night, never mind 9! That's completely ridiculous. Stand your ground, you agreed a long weekend. And nip ds to the dr.

Bloody MIL.

OrmIrian · 15/10/2009 10:11

Good lord! At 3 I'd have struggled to have mine away for more than a night. Especially if they were ill.

Original poster
mamadiva · 15/10/2009 10:11

I had him at the doctors on Tuesday because he had a bad cough and runny nose etc but Doctor said there was nothing wrong with him apart from the usual cold.

He is now running around with the footpump from the air bed pretending to be Manny the Mammoth form Ice Age .

OP posts:
Pinkjenny · 15/10/2009 10:12

X post, Orm!

Original poster
mamadiva · 15/10/2009 10:13

Just realised I did'nt actually mean this to be a rant about MIL

I know she was trying to be nice because we could be doing with a break and it's my birthday on saturday, just the fcat that it is defo too long for me I reckon never mind DS.

OP posts:
FourArms · 15/10/2009 10:17

Could you go and collect DS when you originally wanted him back? Investigate train tickets (would be v.exciting for DS ) or other buses for journey back?

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 15/10/2009 10:19

YANBU. That's fat too long for a 3 year old.

Don't be railroaded into this, if he's never been on his own before that is an awfully long time to be away from you.

Mine (5and 7) go to my mum's for a week at a time but that feels like a lifetime TBH and I miss them like crazy. When they first stayed on their own it was only ever for 2-3 nights.

My mum loves to have them in the holidays and it helps us because I work and they do like to go, but much like your MIL my mum always ignores my protestations of having them for a shorter time and does what she wants

I'm really not complaining as the ds's do love being with my mum but I miss them.

moosemama · 15/10/2009 10:29

YANBU.

I think if he's not used to being away from you overnight then a couple of visits just overnight to start with for him to get used to it would be the way to go.

Imho its too long for a 3 year old to be away from Mum, especially if he isn't well. My kids love Grandma and happily stay at her house for a couple of nights, but when ds2 became poorly there in the middle of the night he just wanted to come home.

I wouldn't be happy either if we had come to an agreement about how long he would be staying for and then bus tickets were booked for longer without any consultation with myself and dh.

FourArms made a good suggestion, why don't you let him go if he is well enough and wants to, then arrange to go and collect him when YOU decide he should come home. You could perhaps say you thought it would be nice for yourself and DP to have a visit home as well.

Is he supposed to be going today? If so you could conceivably go and collect him at the weekend.

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 15/10/2009 10:29

YANBU.

You said no to a week, she knew how you felt.

9 days is far too long for a 3YO and a mum! Especially with a poorly LO.

Get her told.