To be unsure about Unconditional parenting because.....

[poshsinglemum]

I have not read all of the book because for some reason it got on my nerves. I like a lot of what he says but my main gripe is that the author implies that you do not love your child unconditionally if you tell them off or speak to them in a stern manner. I think that it is really unfair to make parents feel guilty for telling their kids off.
Or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

Of course I completely agree with avoiding emotional blackmail and bullying and I love to be fun and loving to my dd but there are times when I have to say a stern no if she is going to hurt herself and I daresay there will be more times in the future.
Also I think it takes a real level of saintly patience to be on the level and practice up all the time, especially if like me, you are knackered a lot of the time!

Depends on your philosophy. Read some Karl Popper

Also, does that mean one shouldn't try?

And, actually, mostly we choose to make those compromises - we do have a choice as adults. We decide to do a job we don't enjoy because the money makes it worth it. We choose to get up early enough to get there because we don't want to lose it.

And you are right, life is FULL of compromises and sacrifices - it's not like our children won't get plenty of opportunity to practice dealing with them whether or not we ensure that we create those opportunities as parents.

I have to say that I haven't read any Karl Popper, but would like to, as I've read a lot of stuff inspired by his philosophy, but mostly as it relates to parenting.

Been following the discussion and finding it v interesting. Cory, I've got a few ideas about your ds and his caveman habits. It seems like he's got himself into a vicious circle of self punishment, could you somehow break that by eating out a few nights in a row? Do you think he might feel spotlighted if he was in a restaurant and therefore make more of an effort? Also what about getting him to help you or your dh to help prepare dinner? Or do it together as a family?

Could you ask him how he would feel if one of his friends dd something he didn't particularly like, or is that too much like talking about feelings? Just somehow convey to him that his friends don't like the way he eats. The only other thing is just to completely ignore it, no undercurrents at the table, nothing, just pretend everything is hunkydory, he might then feel he isn't getting any kind of reaction and give up, might take quite a while though, and be difficult to sustain. He wants to hurt all of you, including himself. Perhapes you could tell him he's succeeded, he's made his point, but nothing he can do is going to change the situation, that's just the way it is. Sorry if this has been a bit rambly and contradictory, will ponder some more......

thanks, baskingseal and flamingo, I'll think it over. The restaurant idea sounds very attractive...could do with a few nights without cooking. He does help with cooking from time to time, it's not the food itself he feels negative about iyswim, it's clearly something about the process of manipulating it into his mouth.

Cory, my DS is like this with food, he is 10, it is so wearing isn't it?

What does occasionally work, is when I say: "OK if you use your hands for eating, you will have to go and wash them". IT means he has to get up from the table and wash his hands and it irritates him so focuses him on not using his hands to eat the food.

I gave up after a week though, as it was so very wearing sending him off 4 times during dinner.

I don't have anything terribly helpful to add, but I do want to say how much I have enjoyed reading this thread. I think alot about how I parent, I have 2 y.o. twins who have quite different personalities and need to be encouraged/disciplined in different styles.

flamingo your explanations about how to deal with situations have really inspired me. I did start reading about UP but didn't like the 'no praise' bit as I found it very hard to stick to (esp when trying to potty train!!) - so I sort of gave up. Your consensual living sounds really interesting though. Do you have any suggested reading?

cory - poor you. At 2 my two are very very messy eaters, it totally does my head in. I can't imagine how I'd feel if they were still doing it at 9! Sounds like you have alot to cope with, hope one of the suggestions helps. Does he ever eat at friends' houses? Or is it friends coming to you that don't like his eating? Just wondering if he would behave like that in front of peers?

Oh and I did want to ask, at 2 years old, not sure how consensual you can be? What age did others start? And are there any consensual/UP parents with twins?!?

We try to be consensual with everyone in our family (I stress the 'try'!), penona. We have a 6yo, a 4yo, a 2yo and a 1yo. It's hard work and we often get it wrong, but I think the important thing is we try, and we trust that there is an answer even if we don't find it every time.

I found 'Winning Parent, Winning Child' really helpful. And look up 'Taking Children Seriously' for more information.