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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think women who use their husband's email address are submissive stepford wives who don't have a life of their own?

371 replies

Picante · 14/10/2009 08:32

Seriously, is it that hard to work out how to get your own email address?

The ones that share are bad enough e.g. '[email protected]' or whatever, but I've seen quite a few that simply have the man's name as the email address.

Yes I know there are more important things to worry about, but come on ladies, this is 2009!

OP posts:
brimfull · 14/10/2009 09:04

it is strange I agree
haven't really thought about it but I def don't email my friend who shares her dh's email address
I text her instead

WailingGhoshe · 14/10/2009 09:05

Dh has only just got his own, he always used mine, but that was because he was away all the time and I dealt with everything, now he is home I got him to set up his own.

alwayslookingforanswers · 14/10/2009 09:07

actually we do now have 3 (or is it 4?) different email addresses in this house.......but they all arrive into Thunderbird so really makes sod all difference who the email is for.

You know even for the emails that come for DH to our "joint" email - it's really not hard not to read them.

It's a bit like when the post comes in the mornings - there's some pretty big clues as to who it's for in the subject and sender bit.

Do you have separate letter boxes at home as well so you don't get your post into the same place

LadyoftheBathtub · 14/10/2009 09:11

YANBU, I hate communicating with someone via their husband. It is not like sharing a letterbox in the least - because your letters are sealed! I have a friend who had this set-up for ages (luckily she now does have her own email - and it wasn't me, I didn't say anything!) and just knowing her DH could have read anything I sent really annoyed me. I'm not close to him and don't want to share everything with him. I wasn't sending cloak-and-dagger secrets but I might have wanted a little private moan about my DP or to talk about something to do with childbirth or whatever that could have been a bit personal - and instead I always had to watch what I was saying. Plus yes it did feel like she was just an appendage to him.

Also I never got used to emails from him (apparently) landing in my inbox - "Why the feck is he emailing me, what's happened... oh yeah..."

diddl · 14/10/2009 09:12

My sister & husband only have one business email between them.

Never thought anything of it, tbh.

Poledra · 14/10/2009 09:14

Well, we do have a 'home' email address that is in DH's name because he thought he could set up 2 separate addresses on the account then discovered he couldn't - we use that one for the house stuff and anything that both of us want to read.

We then have 2 more email addresses each - a Hotmail one and a work one. We know each other's exists but we don't know the passwords (though I could guess DH's, I'm sure, as he doesn't have a lot of imagination when it comes to passwords ).

jasper · 14/10/2009 09:16

Bugs me too.
But then the idea of being so used to my dh over the years that "the boundaries become blurred" makes me want to chew my arm off.

WartoScreamo · 14/10/2009 09:19

We have a joint one which gets uploaded into Outlook on the PC. Even if we had separate ones it would still lump them all together. I've never seen a problem with it. If an email is obviously for him, I don't read it.

But then, we don't keep secrets from each other (and least I know 100% I don't) and I wouldn't post anything about DH (on here, on FB, in an email) that I wouldn't say to his face.

Reading all the tales on here about illicit email accounts, text messages, FB shennanigans, I'm really glad about that - and hope it stays that way!

alwayslookingforanswers · 14/10/2009 09:20

Lady - you are there assuming that it is the husband that is actually operating the email account.

Before we seperated and we were running off "DH's" email address he hardly ever checked them - in fact he'd only read any emails when I told him one had arrived for him.

99.99% of the emails that landed in "his" email box (which I checked regularly throughout the day) were for me.

You know it's really not that hard to not read an email that comes in if it's not for you.

I've got one sat in my in box right now for DH - i can see who it's from, it'll have nothing to do with me whatsoever - so guess what - I haven't clicked on it to read it.

I don't know his password for his email that we set up a month or so back.........although of course being the account holder (Virgin only allows one named account holder - and it's me now) I could easily find out/delete his email address/change it/read his emails).

Poledra · 14/10/2009 09:23

always, how's your DH doing these days?

(Sorry for hijack).

alwayslookingforanswers · 14/10/2009 09:27

ahh he's not doing too bad thanks. Been home since last Monday, had visits from the CMHT which will be a regular thing for the foreeseeable future and he's been continuing with some of the OT sessions at the hospital (after discharge they can attend the sessions for 4 weeks after).

Waiting to hear from ESA about the claim for that, and he's going to be doing some volunteering in the meantime to keep himself occupied. Apparently yesterday the hospital where he was discharged from last week were asking him if he'd consider going and volunteering with them - he's trying to negotiate a bus pass from them (which apparently is permissible under ESA rules on volunteering - not allowed to get "paid" but expenses can be paid) as bus fares are £6 a visit!

LadyoftheBathtub · 14/10/2009 09:28

No, I'm not, I'm just saying that he can easily read her emails if he likes, and I don't like that. It may also be annoying for his friends if they know that she could read all his emails too I guess - but she was my friend not him. It does seem stepford-wifeish to have the man's name on it - just as I think it's stepford-wifeish to take your husband's surname, though that's another thread. But I don't like shared email addresses that are cutesily made up of both names either. To me, email is as private as letters and I don't want to be writing to both of a couple if I only want to write to one.

I realise anyone can go to their partner's computer and snoop at their emails if they really want to, but that is not the same as having one inbox and browsing through to see which are for you.

And btw way if you only have one computer you can set up guest accounts so each person has their own desktop, files, email etc., and switch between them. It's not hard.

skihorse · 14/10/2009 09:29

YANBU - worse still (imo) are women who define themselves via their children. [email protected]

alwayslookingforanswers · 14/10/2009 09:31

yes but I/you could easily read your DH's normal post if you so wanted to - lying on the table having been opened.........not hard to pick it up and read it is it? But I bet you stop yourself reading it, so the same principle applies for emails in an inbox.

You seem to think that both parties will check their emails everyday - DH hasn't even been on the computer since he got home over a week ago!

cory · 14/10/2009 09:31

I have a Stepford husband (I knew it )

Though I suspect the only reason he can't be bothered to get his own address is that he hardly uses a home email at all. The only emails he is likely to get to the home address are either things to do with the house (which we share) or files he sends home from work (which I would never be tempted to open anyway).

Hullygully · 14/10/2009 09:33

If you can skim through each other's emails and letters, it saves a lot of dull catch-up conversations..

anonandlikeit · 14/10/2009 09:33

Picante, you really do have far too much time on your hands to ponder such trivial things.

My email account is dh's name, he never uses the computer. Never thought about it TBH, its just not important.
His naem is less common than mine so easier to find a unique address that the ISP would accept. Nothing more deep than that.

BTW i do have my own email address at work, that would be odd to assume my husbands identity there.

But really can't you ponder world peace or something more serious & leave us happy submissive, stepford wives chained to the sink, with our husbands sensoring our every typed word

stepaway · 14/10/2009 09:33

I'm not sure I'd go as far as the OP and say they were 'submissive' but I do find it quite strange when women don't have their own email accounts.

LadyoftheBathtub · 14/10/2009 09:36

"You seem to think that both parties will check their emails everyday"

Yes, I live in a world of tech where we both check our emails more like every hour - we both have iphones so we can email when we're out too - so I suppose it is a bit different if one partner hardly uses email at all. But I still don't want to have to send an email for my friend to her husband who is not my friend. It feels weird.

Also it's not so bad if you have a shared email address if you also have work ones - then anyone who really wants to email just you can email you at work. I'll let you off in that case

LadyoftheBathtub · 14/10/2009 09:40

Have to defend Picante there. I think worrying about stepford-wifeish behaviour should actually be at the forefront of our minds, especially as parents bringing up the next generation. One of the reasons for gender inequality still being so massive is women thinking it's not really relevant to anything if they send out loud and clear a message to the world - and their kids - and their husband - that they are not as important as their husband and identify themselves through his name. Not being able to see why that matters is a sign of how deeply oppressed many women are. IMHO.

alwayslookingforanswers · 14/10/2009 09:40

yes but if you'd sent an email to my old email address (that was DH's name - as it was set up in the days when ISP basically gave you an email address rather than letting you choose one, and it was based on the account holders (only allowed one named on the account) name) it would have "looked" like it was going to my DH.

Actually he wasn't checking it - I was. I told him if "he" had an email.

Actually I can't believe that people take that much notice of what the email address is.

I certainly don't - someone gives me their email address - I add it to my contacts and send them emails - I certainly don't study it to see if it's their name, their DH's name, their dogs name, or some stupid "clever" name they've come up with.

Life's too short!

geraldinetheluckygoat · 14/10/2009 09:42

We have one each, I use which ever one the computer directs me to (usually the one that was used last) when I click the link to it.

Not so much submissive as just incredibly lazy - I just cant be bothered to erase one name and put mine in or log out of one and into the other. Really, really had no idea that people woud thing his would be weird. Oh well, I still can't be arsed, I'm afraid

lavenderbongo · 14/10/2009 09:43

YABU - some of us just have too much going on in our lives to bother about what our email address is - or we cant be arsed to check more than one email account!

hazeyjane · 14/10/2009 09:50

We have a business e-mail (well our defunct business now), and a personal one that is shared and uses our surname. TBH we don't get many emails, I seem to use text and phone more. I really don't get what is wrong with it, the computer is a tool and we use it in a way that works for us. Dh does use my facebook page to keep in touch with his friends, because he can't be arsed to set one up for himself!

Picante, your post of 8.59 is really vomit inducing.

geraldinetheluckygoat · 14/10/2009 09:56

Am gutted that no Renowned Mumsnetters have agreed with my post at 09:42.

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