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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think women who use their husband's email address are submissive stepford wives who don't have a life of their own?

371 replies

Picante · 14/10/2009 08:32

Seriously, is it that hard to work out how to get your own email address?

The ones that share are bad enough e.g. '[email protected]' or whatever, but I've seen quite a few that simply have the man's name as the email address.

Yes I know there are more important things to worry about, but come on ladies, this is 2009!

OP posts:
alwayslookingforanswers · 15/10/2009 10:00

well we share a landline phone (and yes we have an answer machine so sometimes a message could be for me, or it could be for him and we have no way of knowing until we listen to it).

It's really not that hard to not click on an email which isn't for your viewing.

OrmIrian · 15/10/2009 10:01

Tra la la!

UnquietDad · 15/10/2009 10:02

It would just irritate me, though. I don't expect to have to pick through DW's messages to get to mine, and I'm sure she feels the same. My email inbox is one of my own little virtual spaces. It's MINE.

alwayslookingforanswers · 15/10/2009 10:03

and actually now you mention it

DH's current PAYG mobile used to be his to start with. Then he got a work one and I took his (including the number), then I got a brand new shiney SIM (and phone) of my own so gave him the phone back (still with same number).

We've had that number, ermm, god I dread to think must before 6 or 7yrs now - shared between us! All calls and texts on it these days are just for him a people that have my mobile number now have mine.

midnightexpress · 15/10/2009 10:04

Which is fine UQD, but just because some people don't have a problem with it doesn't make them submissive 'lil wifies', does it?

alwayslookingforanswers · 15/10/2009 10:04

but it takes all of a few seconds to scan through and go "oh that's for him, that's for me" - rather like when your snail mail comes - you have a quick look at the envelope and know who it's for.

UnquietDad · 15/10/2009 10:04

I've never said it makes them submissive or Stepford wives. I just find it odd.

Original poster
Picante · 15/10/2009 10:05

Goodness me! The things you lot get worked up about...

I don't understand all this. Gmail is fab, free, takes 5 minutes and obviously can be accessed from any computer...

My point wasn't really to do with privacy, or hiding things from dh, it was an identity issue.

But hey, life's too short eh?

OP posts:
UnquietDad · 15/10/2009 10:06

It would also irritate me to get messages from her friends with headers like "Richard Armitage, phwoargh", just as I'm sure it would irritate her to see my friends' "mutatis mutandis" appreciation emails...

UnquietDad · 15/10/2009 10:09

We must remember that the internet is only ten years old, and broadband in common domestic use is still only about 5 years old.

People are still adopting it and learning how to use it. We are the first generation to get to grips with it.

After a generation of use (call it 25 years, so let's say 2025) not having your own individual email address (in the developed Western world, at least), will seem as odd as not having your own shoes, or your own watch, or your own door key.

midnightexpress · 15/10/2009 10:10

Sorry UQD, that wasn't aimed at you - I just wanted to draw the distinction for some of the others who seem to think that one's personal identity is intricately bound up with one's email address.

alwayslookingforanswers · 15/10/2009 10:10

I just don't see how any email is part of your identity I honestly don't. God 10-15yrs ago most people didn't have an email address of any description - does that mean they have no identity (and many these days still don't)

Just the same way that my phone (mobile or landline) isn't part of my identity - email addresses and phone numbers often get changed so often that I just can't see how it can be part of "who" I am.

UnquietDad · 15/10/2009 10:11

Absolutely understand alwayslooking - at the moment. But give it another 15 years and things will be different.

stillstanding · 15/10/2009 10:13

UnquietDad, I don't think the phone analogies work and am not sure how this came up in this context. It is a different sort of communication where the person communicating will know who they are speaking to (presumably!) and so is not quite the same issue.

In my house we have a shared landline but separate mobiles. This is logical to me because I can't see the need to have two home lines and really if a couple can't take the trouble to pass on the phone to their partner than all is lost. It is highly likely though that that means that my DH may pick up a voicemail that is meant for me but I couldn't care less and can't conceive of why anyone would have an issue with that either.

Mobiles are again used for different reasons - mostly so that people can communicate with you while you are travelling about so imo it needs to be on your person and people would need separate ones (assuming they wanted one at all). That's how I use them anyway and so I couldn't imagine sharing one.

Having said that I remember years ago, when my sister was a student and very broke, her and her DH shared a pay as you go phone as they couldn't afford separate ones at the time. Whoever needed a phone on a particular day would have it but I couldn't be sure that she would answer it although I could know that her DH would pass on my messages etc. But this is an unusual situation I think and I don't know anyone now who shares a mobile phone tbh.

OrmIrian · 15/10/2009 10:13

uqd - I agree. Which is why I fully expect to have to set up individual accounts for my DC before I do for me. For them it will be essential. For me it just isn't an issue.

midnightexpress · 15/10/2009 10:13

X-posts, always.

My mum, who is tangled up in ghastly AOL, still uses my dad's email address, even though he died more than three years ago. Heaven alone knows what that means.

stillstanding · 15/10/2009 10:17

LOL at picante commenting on things we get worked up about when she started this thread

Original poster
Picante · 15/10/2009 10:19

Yes but I'm not worked up about it. I even admitted that in the op. I just think it's a bit daft. I don't lose sleep over it.

OP posts:
alwayslookingforanswers · 15/10/2009 10:21

seem to recall that 10-15yrs ago people said the same thing about mobiles - "everyone would have/need one"........funny thing is I know a lot of people who still don't have one, and don't want one.

alwayslookingforanswers · 15/10/2009 10:23

lol midnight - I still used "DH's" email address for over a year after we'd split up

stillstanding · 15/10/2009 10:24

UQD, I think what irks me about this thread is this assumption that just because a person happens to have a joint email address that they are therefore a "submissive stepford wife with no life of their own". Which is blatantly ridiculous.

I agree that most people will have a separate one in the future. In fact I suspect most people I know have one now too.

Personally I have a separate email address and a joint one and I use them for different purposes. The mere fact that I have a joint one does not negate my independence or individuality. I use it for house/admin/children-related things. DH does the same and it is practical and convenient for us to share.

I suppose I could compare the arrangement to that of my finances: we have individual bank accounts but we also have a joint one. The joint one is used to pay the mortgage, bills, school fees etc. This doesn't mean that my personality has melded into one with my DH's. It means that some things are more convenient to share.

UnquietDad · 15/10/2009 10:25

But the distinctions between "desk-bound" and "mobile" communication will start to break down over the next 10 years. People will "communicate" with you expecting to get YOU, personally, not a communal box - whatever physical form that box's container may take. You already see it to an extent with people Facebooking on their iPhones and so on.

RubyrubyrubysAScaryOldBint · 15/10/2009 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alwayslookingforanswers · 15/10/2009 10:27

I see you've skipped my point about a shared landline/answering machine....

UnquietDad · 15/10/2009 10:28

I don't think joint bank accounts are a helpful analogy. It makes sense for a married couple to pool their money. Messages are a different thing. I have messages which I wouldn't necessarily want ending up in DW's box. Not just work stuff, but... we all have times when we would rather share things with our friends than our spouses... don't we? I'm sure she has some similar ones.