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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be mightily pissed off at my friend child friendly birthday party

111 replies

Lifeistooshort · 06/10/2009 20:16

apologies in advance as this is a long post, but I need to vent

I will try to keep it short but basically this weekend it was my friends 30th birthday but also my DH's birthday on Saturday. It has been planned for months, and because it is an important birthday I have on many occasions offered not to take my DCs if she was doing something where children would not be very welcome. Each time she assured me that the children were her friends too and that she really really wanted them there.

So anyway weekend was planned at center parcs and a child friendly trip to a nearby safari parc was planned for the Saturday. We arrived on Friday night we arrived quite late with tired little DCs only to be told within minutes of arrival that we wouldn't go to the safari parc as everyone wanted to play badminton instead. DD (4) ended up in floods of tears because she was looking forward to it. I calmed her down and told her we would go swimming instead and my friend promised her that she would come.

Next day my DD was looking everywhere at the swimming pool saying "oh I think I can see friend here all the time" after about 5 minutes, I knew friend wasn't going to come. After about 30 I broke the news to DD who was completely hearbroken and couldn't understand why friend who had really really promised wouldn't come to swim with her.

And from then on the whole weekend was like that. We met the others at badminton and had to watch them play for an hour to then be told that they had booked a bowling alley for 14.00 (it was 13.00 then). The kids were starving so at 13.20 my husband asked what the plan was with regards to having lunch. We had been told there was a picnic for which we bought loads of food for everyone to share but that was cancelled too. So we all went to cafe/pub and for some reason our orders arrived last...and all the party left before we had even tucked in our food because they ?add to go bowling otherwise they would loose the alley. I thought that was so rude.
Before they all disappeared, my DH said he would put the kids in bed and bring back the food to the villa with me and would catch them up. So he did just that except that when he turned up at the bowling alley, they had all left and not waited for him. And because they wouldn?t make a plan because they had to go with the flow, DH spend an hour cycling before coming back to the villa unsucessful.
And the last straw of the day was that to meet the other to go to the pub in the evening, our trailer broke. A few people from the party including Friend hadn?t left and one of them was supposed to come back with their car to pick us up allegedly. So we waited with the starving and tired DC (it was 19.30 after all) and waited and waited and no one came, so my husband had to hitch a ride from one of the parc rangers. I was so pissed off, if it had been down to me, after 40 minutes of waiting I would have fed the kids at the villa and put them in bed. Because we arrived very late at the pub between 8.30 and 9, we only stayed about an hour, a good chunk of which was spend walking DS.

And the next day because again there was no plan, we went swimming on our own. We managed to track Friend and party down at about 13.00 they were playing volley ball etc. And again, we were told within 5 minutes of arrival that they had booked a badminton course at 14.30 to which we replied ?fine because we are leaving?. We stayed about 40 minutes and left.
So come on ladies, give it to me straight:
AIBU to be pissed off that we were completely side lined? It was as if we had turned up to a party we weren?t invited to. I would never treat my friend this way. I think it is so rude to ignore some of your guests ...a whole weekend
AIBU to think that if I had wanted to be in centers parcs on my own, then I would have like to do it on my terms and to fit my kids routine
AIBU to be pissed off that we insisted we come a whole weekend and didn?t give us the time of the day
AIBU to be pissed off that my kids were completely ignored apart from the fact that they were treated like cute litte pets for about 5 minutes and supplied with sweets (!). Especially when friend insisted I bring them (I could have come just to the pub and have them looked after, it would have cost me a fraction of the price of the weekend)
AIBU to be pissed off that we had to spend a small fortune to end up spending the weekend on our own?

So am I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifeistooshort · 07/10/2009 13:56

Right now next question

What do I do next

OP posts:
hullygully · 07/10/2009 13:59

I would definitely talk to her about it if she is a good friend. Tell her that you were hurt, you understand she didn't do it on purpose etc, but the fact is...blah blah. If she can't see where you're coming from, she'll just have to die.

BalloonSlayer · 07/10/2009 14:00

A few people have mentioned "princess-y" behaviour etc, and that's what I was thinking too.

Bizarre that the party won't do things promised and arranged for the children but expect people to come and watch them play badminton.

Actually I am so I will type it again:

they
expected
people
to
sit
and
watch
them
play
badminton

Have I read the OP wrong?

It's as if they didn't want to pander to the children as they think they themselves are the children.

BTW it's YANBU. I wanted to cry reading your OP.

hullygully · 07/10/2009 14:02

Yeah, on second thoughts, skip talking ot her and just kill her with a Barbie.

Fennel · 07/10/2009 14:05

I would just leave it and next time go alone, or just for a bit of it, or go as a family and be clear you'll be doing things to a different pace.

30 year olds without children partying ARE more like children in that they think their birthdays and parties are about them having fun. Weren't most of us like that? I was horrified at DBIL when he had a 40th birthday party, including his 2 small children and various other children, and afterwards when asked if he'd enjoyed it, he said "yes it was good to see the children enjoying themselves". It just seemed tragic to me that he'd forgotten his birthday party should have been about him and his enjoyment.

hullygully · 07/10/2009 14:11

Fennel - your BIL sounds like a proper grown-up.

overmydeadbody · 07/10/2009 14:21

YANBU

I would have been fuming at friend if this had been me. In fact, I would have probably cried a lot and left early tbh.

overmydeadbody · 07/10/2009 14:25

I think your friend let you down big stylee TBH. She made you think that your children would be included when if fact they wheren't.

FlightAttendant · 07/10/2009 14:27

This reminds me of a facebook friend I have. Our lives are very distant but we go back a long way so are on there sort of by default...we very rarely communicate.

Anyway...something came up on the homepage about a baby shower, so I went to have a look at the photos.

Oh My.

The poor, POOR woman who was very very pregnant was obviously the ONLY one who had reached that stage in her life. The whole thing was terrifying. First there were about 120 pictures of her with a balloon tied to the back of her office chair in this horrible bleak office...that was it...and some bags next to her chair. Then there were the 50 photos of her sitting on one side of someone's living room opening EACH present [flash] [click] one at a time, smiling like her cheeks hurt, while everyone else was on the other side of the room staring at her Then the 'buffet' which was just, well, people eating.
Then the bit that made me kind of slump...a photo of each person at the party sniffing a USED nAPPY. Oh how we laughed.

I sometimes wonder if people without children just HATE those who have them. It was really strange and passive aggressive, for a party iykwim.

KERALA1 · 07/10/2009 14:28

YANBU of course you are not. I would respond as overmydeadbody said. Poor you - makes you feel like a very z list friend that your needs are so ignored.

My child free BIL bless him has just suggested a family day out which involves us driving for 2.5 hours to a POTTERY place which has a cafe, sitting in said cafe, then driving 2.5 hours home. With a 3 year old and lively crawling 1 year old. Ho hum.

hullygully · 07/10/2009 14:34

Kerala - think what fun they'll have smashing all the pots and then sitting nicely in the cafe.

TheCrackFox · 07/10/2009 14:36

That in no way sounds stressful Kerala.

KERALA1 · 07/10/2009 14:40

I know shudder. Though this was the same man that bought DD a complicated toy and was rather put out that she "didnt seem interested in it". She was 4 days old...

Original poster
Lifeistooshort · 07/10/2009 14:41

hullygully your post made me PMSL I might try the barbie doll (will nick one of DD!)

And balloonslayer you did read properly

kerala hmmm I see what you mean. I would give my DS about 45 seconds before he started trashing the place

OP posts:
belgo · 07/10/2009 14:41

this is why baby showers should be banned Flight Attendant!

hullygully · 07/10/2009 14:42

Can we have a link to the facebook baby shower pics..?

tinkerbellesmuse · 07/10/2009 14:58

Most people without children don't "get" the way that most people with children behave.

They don't get that 2 hours in the pub is not enjoyable for a toddler. Or their parent.
They don't get that deciding to go swimming instead of the forest hike two minutes before you're due to leave and kids are dressed in wellies and hoodies is a PITA
They don't get that eating at 8:30 instead of 7 is a big deal.
They don't get that a kitkat and a packet of crisps isn't an acceptable lunch for a toddler, especially after they ate the last slice of bread and finished the milk at breakfast.
And they don't get that telling a small child that someting will happen is akin to making a blood oath.

Your friend wasn't being malicious or unpleasent - just trying to have a great w/e on her birthday. Equally you are NBU for being pissed off.

But you've learned a lesson. Make a plan stick to it and if your plans collide and you spend time together great. If not then you'll have had a great time anyway. On no account change your plans to fit in with theirs cos the change of plan will change again. And again. And probably again too.

hullygully · 07/10/2009 15:17

Tinker - I don't think that's true at all. I have lots of childfree friends and none of them would DREAM of behaving that way.

shockers · 07/10/2009 15:18

I can't believe that they would ask you to meet them and leave before you arrived!
There's a wonderful pool area with rapids where everyone can get together and yet still do their own thing and they paid extra to play badminton??

tinkerbellesmuse · 07/10/2009 15:35

hullygully lucky you

I have lots of lovely, caring friends but they are not all great at putting my children first and that is what the OP was asking for really.

The worst thing that happened IMO was that someone (not the friend) didn't pick them up. Not nice but perhaps not the friends fault?

I hardly see cancelling a trip to the safari park (with plenty of notice) or leaving a cafe to make a pre arranged appointment as a crime of the century. Especially when she had other friends whom she was no doubt trying to accomodate as well as enjoy herself - was her own birthday after all and

Not saying I don't sympathise with the OP but perhaps she needs to be a bit realistic and accept that she is the only person who will put her cildren first.

hullygully · 07/10/2009 15:40

Tinker - she wasn't asking them to put her dc first, she even offered not to go if it would be awkward. The friend insisted and made arrangements that she then broke. The point about friendship is that you accommodate your friends, whatever their circumstances.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 07/10/2009 16:07

tinkerbelle

I like your list

Original poster
Lifeistooshort · 07/10/2009 16:10

shockers you are spot on for the pool. We only discovered the rapids and slides the second day and they were great. DD and DH had a ball in them (DS fell asleep in my arms in the swimming pool because he was so knackered bless him).

I did wonder why at least for an hour we couldn't have done that. At least we would have felt a bit included and DD and DH could have taken part.

Tinkerbelle you are right of course. But my plan was not to attend and to just go on my own to the evening but she insisted and insisted some more I bring the kids. And not I didn't ask that they put my kids first at allI just wanted for perhaps one or two hours in the weekend to be child friendly. I would have been content with that or with just a bit more honesty from my friend about what their plan was and they as you said, we would have done our own things. I actually never excpect my childless friends to accomodate my children which is why I offered to come without them. And I think there is a diffence between excluding us 100% of the weekend which I took offence to and accomodating us a little bit. I never asked to be accomodated 100% of the time.

And no I don't think that cancelling a trip to a safari park the day before when she know that is the thing that swayed you to come to the weekend was reasonable. And the bowling was only pre-arranged in the morning when we weren't there and we were under the impression that all the party (including us) was to do an activity on the saturday afternoon.

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 07/10/2009 16:15

I'm imagining someone who liked the idea of bestowing largesse on everyone and liked the idea of including children, but actually just doesn't get it at all. She sounds selfish

Jamieandhismagictorch · 07/10/2009 16:15

or self-centred ?