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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be mightily pissed off at my friend child friendly birthday party

111 replies

Lifeistooshort · 06/10/2009 20:16

apologies in advance as this is a long post, but I need to vent

I will try to keep it short but basically this weekend it was my friends 30th birthday but also my DH's birthday on Saturday. It has been planned for months, and because it is an important birthday I have on many occasions offered not to take my DCs if she was doing something where children would not be very welcome. Each time she assured me that the children were her friends too and that she really really wanted them there.

So anyway weekend was planned at center parcs and a child friendly trip to a nearby safari parc was planned for the Saturday. We arrived on Friday night we arrived quite late with tired little DCs only to be told within minutes of arrival that we wouldn't go to the safari parc as everyone wanted to play badminton instead. DD (4) ended up in floods of tears because she was looking forward to it. I calmed her down and told her we would go swimming instead and my friend promised her that she would come.

Next day my DD was looking everywhere at the swimming pool saying "oh I think I can see friend here all the time" after about 5 minutes, I knew friend wasn't going to come. After about 30 I broke the news to DD who was completely hearbroken and couldn't understand why friend who had really really promised wouldn't come to swim with her.

And from then on the whole weekend was like that. We met the others at badminton and had to watch them play for an hour to then be told that they had booked a bowling alley for 14.00 (it was 13.00 then). The kids were starving so at 13.20 my husband asked what the plan was with regards to having lunch. We had been told there was a picnic for which we bought loads of food for everyone to share but that was cancelled too. So we all went to cafe/pub and for some reason our orders arrived last...and all the party left before we had even tucked in our food because they ?add to go bowling otherwise they would loose the alley. I thought that was so rude.
Before they all disappeared, my DH said he would put the kids in bed and bring back the food to the villa with me and would catch them up. So he did just that except that when he turned up at the bowling alley, they had all left and not waited for him. And because they wouldn?t make a plan because they had to go with the flow, DH spend an hour cycling before coming back to the villa unsucessful.
And the last straw of the day was that to meet the other to go to the pub in the evening, our trailer broke. A few people from the party including Friend hadn?t left and one of them was supposed to come back with their car to pick us up allegedly. So we waited with the starving and tired DC (it was 19.30 after all) and waited and waited and no one came, so my husband had to hitch a ride from one of the parc rangers. I was so pissed off, if it had been down to me, after 40 minutes of waiting I would have fed the kids at the villa and put them in bed. Because we arrived very late at the pub between 8.30 and 9, we only stayed about an hour, a good chunk of which was spend walking DS.

And the next day because again there was no plan, we went swimming on our own. We managed to track Friend and party down at about 13.00 they were playing volley ball etc. And again, we were told within 5 minutes of arrival that they had booked a badminton course at 14.30 to which we replied ?fine because we are leaving?. We stayed about 40 minutes and left.
So come on ladies, give it to me straight:
AIBU to be pissed off that we were completely side lined? It was as if we had turned up to a party we weren?t invited to. I would never treat my friend this way. I think it is so rude to ignore some of your guests ...a whole weekend
AIBU to think that if I had wanted to be in centers parcs on my own, then I would have like to do it on my terms and to fit my kids routine
AIBU to be pissed off that we insisted we come a whole weekend and didn?t give us the time of the day
AIBU to be pissed off that my kids were completely ignored apart from the fact that they were treated like cute litte pets for about 5 minutes and supplied with sweets (!). Especially when friend insisted I bring them (I could have come just to the pub and have them looked after, it would have cost me a fraction of the price of the weekend)
AIBU to be pissed off that we had to spend a small fortune to end up spending the weekend on our own?

So am I?

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 07/10/2009 01:40

If the safari park hadn't been arranged I would have thought OK they say they don't mind the kids coming but they don't really know what it's like to have kids around and think they will just slot into whatever plans they have and realised I may have had to jig things around to make everyone happy. However it sounded like they planned the safari park to involve the children and did have some idea that they need to be entertained. Unless they never had any intention of going to the safari park and just said that to get you there. If that's the case that's very unreasonable of them.

daisy99divine · 07/10/2009 01:47

The two really low points are the Friend's failure to come swimming and the way you were all treated on Saturday night

Even allowing (as hard as I can) for the rest of it your friend promised to come swimming, knowing your DD was upset about the safari and I assume knowing that your DD was excited about the weekend and had some sort of relationahip with your Friend. Then she didn't bother. And it seems you sort of knew she wouldn't...

And then leaving you and DH and DCs in the evening when your trailer broke, well, that would have been the final straw.

YANBU

For what it's worth I was the last of my group to have a child and while I may not have got everything about naps and food I would never have behaved like that - the basics of kindness and relationships and promises are not only kid relevant....

MrsKitty · 07/10/2009 02:28

YANBU - Sounds awful and I feel ever so sad for your DC - how anyone can think it's OK to disappoint little ones like that is beyond me. If she didn't want to spend any time with them she shouldn't have convinced you to bring them.

CheerfulYank · 07/10/2009 03:24

YANBU. I've learned to keep my son pretty much seperate from my childless friends except for short visits because they just don't get it. I remember a friend of mine being irritated because I didn't want to go to Target at 10 o'clock at night! "Can't you just put him in his stroller?" Um...no, no I can't.

It's ridiculous that she insisted that your DC come and then ignored them though!

hotpotato11 · 07/10/2009 10:14

Apart from some of the incidents like forgetting to pick you up which were unforgiveable and changing eating plans without telling you. I think maybe YABU.Your friend had a lot of childless friends there and had to balance all of their wishes against doing child-friendly things which would have been boring for them.I don't understand why you didn't just go off and do your own things in the day and then meet up in the evenings.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 07/10/2009 10:25

YANBU,
but having had the last 5 years of being the only one in our family with small children, I personally would have said that we would still go to the safari park and look forward to seeing them when we get back.

I think your friend (and the rest of the party!) were rude, how did NO-ONE say - shouldn't we wait for Lifeistooshort and her family, all sounds horrible for you.

hullygully · 07/10/2009 10:28

What a git.

gorionine · 07/10/2009 10:28

YANBU I would be very upset too.

HMC, I think the friend as childless as she is new exactly what she was doing: incited OP to come with the reassurance that there would be activities for the children. Op said it was no trouble for her to not take the dcs if friend wanted an adult only do.

OP was told there would be a safari for the children and a picnic both were cancelled for no real other reason than friend actually wanting a adult only week end , probably from the start.

If I was you OP, I would feel I have been conned into going to that week end, very unpleasant!

3littlefrogs · 07/10/2009 10:29

She sounds rude, horrid and selfish. Who needs a "friend" like that?

risingstar · 07/10/2009 10:34

sounds like my experience of CP generally with other people, they were very unreasonable. all that stuff should have been booked in advance so that you could all plan what you were doing an when.

just bear in mind that it will come back to haunt them when they have kids.

Chickenshavenolips · 07/10/2009 10:45

YANBU. Fair point that childless people don't understand the time restraints involved with small people, but to promise a child something and then just not bother is unforgivable IMO. It basically says 'You mean so little to me, that breaking a promise to you when something better comes along is completely reasonable'. Your friend, for example, is a twat.

TheGreatScootini · 07/10/2009 10:58

YANBU.

Plus I dont see the point in going to CP (which isnt cheap)if you dont have kids anyway really..If I were childless I would be going clubbing for my 30th.Actually im not childless and thats what Im doing
(But then I loathe swimming and have just come back from CP two weeks ago where I obviously spent the whole weekend swimming with the DD's.They loved it which is all that matters of course.But God do I hate swimming!)

Merrylegs · 07/10/2009 11:03

I think you could have reasonably assumed that as the weekend was at Centreparcs, it would be child friendly (but really, who would go to Centreparcs without kids?! )

BUT as soon as you arrived and got the jist of the weekend's emphasis (ie no safari park, badminton courts booked etc) I think you should have made the most of the weekend for yourselves - perhaps dipped in and joined them for lunch, perhaps one of you gone to the pub evening, just to make a birthday effort.

But honestly? Hanging around waiting for the 'plan' when there clearly wasn't one was obviously going to end in frustration for everyone.

That's not to say your friend's behaviour was acceptable - it sounds quite self centered TBH, but perhaps you could have taken a leaf out of her book and said:

'Friend, I love you and I think you are fab, and I am thrilled to be sharing your birthday with you, but if I don't take these kids swimming and to the safari park, it's all going to go tits up, so you do your thang and we will meet you in the pub for lunch on Sat where I will be buying you a very large birthday glass of something yummy. Love you. See you then. Kiss kiss."

GhoulsAreLoud · 07/10/2009 11:13

YANBU, definitely not.

Your poor DD

GhoulsAreLoud · 07/10/2009 11:21

Doh, have just realised how you are OP - HELLO!

(this is my halloween name btw)

Original poster
Lifeistooshort · 07/10/2009 12:50

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this and to reply. I really appreciate your views, even of those who think IABU. I think I did I can to ensure what happened wouldn't happen.

But I think *garionine" is right I do feel a bit conned into going because the minute we arrived (and it was too late to cancel) plans changed. I would have done our own thing except my DH didn't want to be a party pooper. And I was supposed to stay at the pub initially and my DH would have brought the kids to the villa but I was so pissed off by that point I couldn't be bothered and if not for DH I would not have gone to the pub or tried to catch up with the others on the Sunday

Also as Bathsheba and *labyrinthine" mentioned I think there was quite a bit of princess going on there and also probably a will of having as many people as possible to feel popular. She is an only child and alhtough usually she is lovely she is more than a little bit spoilt.

Now the questions is what next. My DH think I shouldn't bin the friendship (until then she had always been a good friend). I am not so sure. I don't know if I should send her an e-mail to try to explain to her how I felt this weekend but I am not sure if there is any point as she probably is convince I am a real bitch for being pissed off at the birthday

OP posts:
wheresmypaddle · 07/10/2009 13:00

YANBU but was the only child comment really necessary? Maybe she is a little spoilt but I feel it is unfair to infer a direct link between this and being an only child.

Sorry rant over.

MaMight · 07/10/2009 13:07

What is a trailer and how does it break?

Original poster
Lifeistooshort · 07/10/2009 13:30

wheresmypaddle I didn't mean to infer that all only child are spoilt. But in her case she is and I am pretty sure the two are related

MaMight it is one of these trailers you put on the back of bikes to put children who are not of cylcling age. It is the cycle version of a sidecar. The inner chamber of the wheel came apart

GhoulsAreLoud sorry didn't see you there. Love the new name!

OP posts:
Blu · 07/10/2009 13:39

YANBU, and i am sorry you had a frustrating w/e.

But I think you were being a bit unrealistic, and should have listened to yourself and why you suggested you come withoout kids. YOU know what it's like, they don't.

But they should have had the sensitivity to make some plans that everyone could be included in. And once you got the measure, you should have done your own fun thing instead of getting all wound up.

But all that's easy said in hindsight!

OrmIrian · 07/10/2009 13:45

YANBU but I'm afraid that as you suspected, this was always going to happen. Half the fun of being young, free and childless was the spontaneity.

If I were you I'd have accepted that:

  1. I wouldn't be able to join in with all the others all the time and do my own family stuff mostly.
  2. Let the routines go for the evenings so you could go with the flow part of the time.
  3. Vow never to do this again!
MovingOutOfBlighty · 07/10/2009 13:46

YANBU - but I have a horrible feeling that I would have behaved in this way when I didn't have kids, without meaning to.

When you are child-free it is easy not to realise that little things like changing mealtimes, cancelling plans and stuff like that can be a bit like turning the Titanic around.

It sounds so patronising to say that she will understand when she has kids, but it is so true!!

kittywise · 07/10/2009 13:51

This person is not actually a friend of yours, in all reality, is she?

Original poster
Lifeistooshort · 07/10/2009 13:53

I just thought I would clarify that I am not massively strict on routine at all, but there is a point where a child needs food.

Although not all of her guests were in their 30s her parents where there as well as some of her family who have grown up kids

OP posts:
Fennel · 07/10/2009 13:53

I think it's just hard to do that sort of weekend with small children and child-free weekends.

We've had several weekends very similar to the OP's, us dragging our 3 small children across the country and then around trying desperately, and failing, to keep up with the partying childfree friends. Who are also trying quite hard (and failing) to accommodate our small children into the plans.

The answer is either to not bother going (and risk the friendship waning) or go and just grit your teeth and remember they just don't get it. They don't mean to be selfish. Some of my loveliest friends do this to us.