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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dispute over smoking, who is being unreasonable?

89 replies

vivaone · 06/10/2009 16:32

I was told babies would bring family disputes....:-( In brief:

My brother lives with my mother, he doesn't work and spends most of his time in his room smoking fags/dope. This smoking is confined to the bedroom only, not throughout the house.

My wife won't take our 6 month old to visit at the house due to the smoking.

My mother visits us and meets us out regularly.

My mother has kicked off a big dispuate saying the reasons for not visiting are "inaccurate and unreasonable".

Is my wife being over protective? If my mother not being respectful of her decision?

OP posts:
somewhathorrified · 06/10/2009 16:34

Personally I'd say both!

Nancy66 · 06/10/2009 16:36

I wouldn't willingly take a baby to a smokey house.

Your brother smokes inside and, even though it may be confined to one room, it will still affect the rest of the house.

I'm on your wife's side.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 06/10/2009 16:36

I think your mother is. Is your baby so your rules.

There'll probably be someone along in a bit with some stats.

You should support your wife.

Bicnod · 06/10/2009 16:39

I agree with JAMM - you should definitely support your wife. United front is the only way.

I wouldn't take my son (5 months old) into a house if I knew people smoked in it.

I also wouldn't let anyone who had recently been smoking hold him.

TrillianSlasher · 06/10/2009 16:45

Sounds like an overreaction from your wife, but and understandable one.

When you go to the house can you smell smoke? Or is it really confined to the one bedroom.

Your mother shouldn't have "kicked off a big dispuate" though.

FishInMyHair · 06/10/2009 16:46

Stuff Stats.
Grew up in a smoking household. My mum knew health issues but continued. I hated the way it made me and everything smell like chewed up peanuts.
BIL was living with MIL for a bit and smoked in his room or in conservatory.
I hated the way it made my baby and all his things smell.
I just put up with it and didn't take anything nice when we went to stay.
I would say not fair on your mum having to live with it.
Could you go round when BIL not actively smoking? Meet half way?

Tidey · 06/10/2009 16:50

Your mother should encourage him to smoke outside instead, do any other people smoke in the house? Does he have to have the window open or anything? Because otherwise surely the rest of the house must smell of it too.

I think your wife is being a little unreasonable not to take the baby there at all, but equally your brother could be a bit more flexible with his habits as it's clearly causing upset.

Itsjustafleshwound · 06/10/2009 16:51

Your mother has allowed your brother to smoke in the house. Your wife doesn't want her baby surrounded by smoke and so has made the decision not to visit. Her child, her decision - mother has a option:

  • stop brother smoking in house
  • continue to let brother smoke and have grandson around to visit..

Your wife is NBU

CantThinkofFunnyName · 06/10/2009 16:53

I agree with Fish above. So your brother smokes in his room. Your mum doesn't have a problem with it and your baby won't be exposed to it. So what if its in the same house? It's in a room that's upstairs and closed off from the more "public areas". I think your wife is being a little over protective.

This is your family - remember. And I hate to say it but divorce is quite common place in society, if that happened you'd want/need your family around - don't shun them or cause disputes if YOU think your wife is a little over protective too.

I used to smoke (note used to, not anymore) - and I used to smoke in my house. I woudl never smoke in my house if I had a baby visiting and if I thought that someone would deliberately not visit me because I had smoked in my house (before they arrived) - quite frankly, I'd be glad they werent visiting and they would not be welcome again.

ChunkyKitKat · 06/10/2009 16:54

Difficult to judge if your dw is being over-protective. I would visit if the smoking is only confined to his bedroom, but that would be my choice.

Is this your first baby? First time mums can be very protective.

Your mum says reasons for not visiting are "inaccurate and unreasonable" - she just has to accept these things for the time being, your wife's choice.

ThePrettiestStar · 06/10/2009 17:01

I wouldn't take either of our children into the house, without more details you don't know what proximity the children would be in to the smoke/dope.

I would not be happy in this situation at all and would naturally expect the backup from my husband to ensure it didn't happen.

kitbit · 06/10/2009 17:02

I would not be taking my baby there. Full stop. Just my opinion.
If your mum doesn't mind your brother's smoke that's up to her, but if she wants your baby to visit she needs to make her house smoke free.

I'm with your wife, sorry. And I think you should be too.

PlumpkinScaryBaps · 06/10/2009 17:03

Can you not just ask your brother- or ask your mum to ask him- not to smoke in the house while you're visiting?

I'm assuming you live near enough to make visits of a couple of hours or so.

FWIW once a year my entire family descends on one brother's house for a pre-Xmas occasion. He, his wife, another brother, my sister and her husband all smoke. And they ALL go outside to do it, because of the children (mine and my sister's.) They also air the house before we get there. This is entirely off their own bat, btw.

paisleyleaf · 06/10/2009 17:07

How big is the house?

Really though he should be smoking outside if he's living in a non smoker's house, it's not fair on your mum.
Most smokers don't mind smoking outdoors now - and I know many who even smoke outside their own homes.

Sassybeast · 06/10/2009 17:10

Your wife is not being unreasonable. We didn't go to MILs when DD was small as she was a heavy smoker (now estranged)

Stripycat23 · 06/10/2009 17:11

The smoke (and smell) won't be contained within the one room. You may not have a problem with the smoke lingering but your wife does. I would do too. So no surprise when I say "Support your wife!".

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 06/10/2009 17:15

Do any of you let your children go on playdates to a smokers house?

I would say your wife is being a little unreasonable but first time mothers with 5months old can be I would just try and support her whilst placating your mother as best you can. Good luck with that.

CoteDAzur · 06/10/2009 17:15

I will take the unpopular view and say your DW is being unreasonable. If he only smokes in his own room (and presumably airs it regularly), it is rather paranoid to believe your baby will somehow be harmed by invisible smoke particles that might migrate to the living room, especially if you can't even smell the cigarette smoke there.

Point out to your wife that there is exhaust smoke from cars and yet she wheels baby around on the street.

CoteDAzur · 06/10/2009 17:15

I will take the unpopular view and say your DW is being unreasonable. If he only smokes in his own room (and presumably airs it regularly), it is rather paranoid to believe your baby will somehow be harmed by invisible smoke particles that might migrate to the living room, especially if you can't even smell the cigarette smoke there.

Point out to your wife that there is exhaust smoke from cars and yet she wheels baby around on the street.

diddl · 06/10/2009 17:16

Unless your brother´s room is hermetically sealed, it´s morethan likely that the smoke permeates to other places.

I think you need to be on your wife´s side.

Also,it´s not stopping your mother seeing her grandchild, so I´m wondering why she is now making an issue of it?

DailyMailNameChanger · 06/10/2009 17:20

I agree that your wife is right, the smell does not stay in the room and you can smell it on clothes, hair etc after you have left. It is nasty to pick up a young baby that smells of smoke (I spent 45 mins in a smokers house the other day and, although they were not actively smoking whilst I was there, I still had to open the car windows driving home because my skin stank).

Your mother is not being unreasonable to want to she her grandchild at her own house but she is being unreasonable to expect a mother to expose their child to something she does not like.

You should really support your wife IMO, after all she is your childs mother meaning her wishes do trump your childs grandmothers wishes really.

CoteDAzur · 06/10/2009 17:22

I would think if any smoke will "permeate" (), it would do so when the door of the room opens. Still, if the room is regularly aired, I should think that wouldn't be much of a problem.

You should look at the big picture - is the tiny possible harm of your baby coming in contact with air that has a few smoke molecules worth souring relations with family? Isn't it more important for your baby to have frequent & easy contact with his grandmother?

HKT · 06/10/2009 17:32

Support your wife - with a 5 month old, she needs it, and needs to feel that she is making the right decision for the baby.
FWIW, I don't think she's BU. I have asthma, and cannot visit a house where anyone smokes, in a sealed room or not, it still affects me, and I end up having to have a blast of steroids to clear it up - imagine what it can do to a little baby's lungs

welshdeb · 06/10/2009 17:43

Your mother has made a decision regarding her child (an adult) and your wife has made a decision regarding her child (a baby).

Firstly the smoking in general, outdoors would be better for everyone living in that house if he is the only smoker, unless he has all his windows open all the time or hangs out of the window when smoking. However if your mum has already been allowing him to smoke inside for some time its going to be hard to change now. Think your wife is not being unreasonable but mum is turning her feelings into anger against her not her son

Secondly its what he smokes, I wouldn't be happy with having someone smoking dope in the house especially when a baby is around so again your wife is not being unreasonable.

diddl · 06/10/2009 18:18

CoteDAzur

I think it´s really rude of you to make fun of the way I express myself.