dispute over smoking, who is being unreasonable?

[vivaone]

I was told babies would bring family disputes....:-( In brief:

My brother lives with my mother, he doesn't work and spends most of his time in his room smoking fags/dope. This smoking is confined to the bedroom only, not throughout the house.

My wife won't take our 6 month old to visit at the house due to the smoking.

My mother visits us and meets us out regularly.

My mother has kicked off a big dispuate saying the reasons for not visiting are "inaccurate and unreasonable".

Is my wife being over protective? If my mother not being respectful of her decision?

diddl - Why don't you "permeate" to a less rude place, then? Like BC, for example?

I'm not a native speaker of English, by the way. I was genuinely amused by your use of the word in this context, and wasn't trying to pick a fight, but anyway...

tbh you will go with whatever/whoever gives you an easier life and potentially a blow job therefore I have no real understanding why you are posing this question here

yabu to pretend that you are able to do anything about it as you dw will do as she sees fit no matter what you say on here or what support or otherwise you get

off you go back to sky sports now.....

Yes tsc - the power struggle, that is what it is!

DailyMailNameChange, I agree that a young man living at mum's is not as likely to air his room. V funny to imagine it, though...

OP, maybe your mother is of that generation which did not stand up to smokers the way our militant generations do. It's a pity she can't see this opportunity to change things in her house...

No, no tsc not at all, I'm being totally sincere It only occurred to me when I read your post (was a eureka moment) that is probably more an issue with the old DIL/MIL power struggle than it is about the brother smoking in another room.

Wife is in win-win situ. Right now she can lay down the law about not going due to the smoking so she wins. If MIL tells bro to stop, wife wins as she has exerted some power over MIL. All becomes clear

Your wife isn't being unreasonable. If he smoked outside it would be OK but I don't like going to people's houses when they smoke inside.

Have you asked DW WHY she's worried about the BIL's second-hand smoke? She may have specific concerns (ie, freaked out by connections to cot death - not that it would cause SIDS, but it's her PFB and we must make allowances for paranoia). Are her concerns specific to babies? Frankly there is a good case for keeping the very young away from smokers.

However: will she still be banning all contact with your mum's house when the kid is 2 or 3 or 14? Because that is pretty unreasonable. Then it's back to the old power struggle...

If someone is smoking for a lot of the time in a house, even in one room, chances are the whole house smells. Things like opening the window in the affected room generally blow the smell through the rest of the house (my dh used to do the "smoke out of the window" thing, and it was not an effective way to avoid smoke getting in the house). Your mum is probably totally acclimatised to the smell, but it might be quite distressing to your wife. Trouble is that unless your brother changes where he lives or how he behaves then this is not a problem that will go away.

I've stayed a few times with my ILs who smoke, and I have to say I really really hate the smell, the way that it catches in the back of my throat, the way that it gets into absolutely everything, and the worst thing was when the children were little the way their hair smelled. If I could have avoided visiting I woudl have (and my ILs are lovely, and great hosts).

I think you will have to work something out, but the winter is not a great time to do it, because if it was a problem in the summer, it will be a much worse one in the winter.

It's difficult to express an opinion without knowing how strong the smell of smoke is in the house itself.

BTW - what's funny about using the word permeate???

Your mother has decided her son is allowed to smoke and do so in her house.

Your wife has decided that does not want her baby in a house with smoke.

bascailly your buggered

Personally having a mum who smokes, and who smoked near me I believe, the difficult conversation that I did not want smoke near my child never really had to be done as she had already decided that she would go outside in her own house if we were visting.

My sil however does not share the same view and tryied to get my mum to let her smoke in the house, and lost, however i think thats cause it was xmas and cold

CoteDAzure

I know this is the AIBU thread and things can get heated/rude, but I don´t think it´s necessary to pick/laugh at people´s language.

I have used "permeate" perfectly correctly, and your post makes it appear that you are laughing at me´.

Permeate seems an excellent word to use of cigarette smoke - have you ever been househunting and gone into a house where people have smoked? Even ones that have been empty for some time still stink. Now it might be that is because of the yellow sticky stuff on the walls, but it certainly feels as if it has been absorbed by every available surface. (PS can you tell how much I really hate smoking )

at the smell and nicotine stains that must live in B's room.

nooka, I don´t think your hate of smoking comes through at all. .

Has the OP said how he feels about taking his baby to a "house with a smoker"?

Also, if it has been OK for 6 moths, OP, why is it an issue now?

Apart from this, do your wife and mother get on?

'permeate' in this context is pretty standard usage btw

lmgtfy.com/?q=smoke+smell+permeates

Sorry, just noticed my 6 moths.

Months, obviously!

I reckon the rule of thumb should be that if you smell smoke downstairs where the baby will be, your wife is being reaosonable; if you can't smell any smoke whatsoever in the downstairs rooms, then your wife might be being a bit PFB

Being a bit PFB (if there is no smell of smoke elsewhere) does not of course help you in the slightest, because the real question is not who IBU, but what do you do now? Support wife or mum? And that my friend is one only you can answer.....

hey good advice. the get on well in all other aspects never before had issues. Its something my wife feels strongly about. I also dont feel comfrotable taking him to a house where someone smokes inside - think this decision shoudl just be accepted by my mother but its being challenged to the point of extreme. Just wnated to get some other parents perspective on the matter. thanks for input.

Well, if you agree with your wife, "nuff said"!

Your mother should accept it, especially as you are of the same opinion, and if they get on,your mum has no reason to think that it´s all your wife.

Is it relatively easy for your mum to visit you?

I suppose she might be feeling a little "fed up" of visits never being at her house?

Its only on the last comment that you have said you actually agree.....could this be mor about it seeming to be your wife's decision rather than someting you both agree on? Think you need to stand up and be counted.

Your brother should grow up, get a job and stop sitting in his room smoking weed. I wouldn't take a baby to a house like that. Your mum should be having words with him, not you.

MIL is a smoker and we had lots of issues when DS was born because I didn't want him in smokey atmospheres.

Also, you should back your wife up either way because you are in life together.