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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

dispute over smoking, who is being unreasonable?

89 replies

vivaone · 06/10/2009 16:32

I was told babies would bring family disputes....:-( In brief:

My brother lives with my mother, he doesn't work and spends most of his time in his room smoking fags/dope. This smoking is confined to the bedroom only, not throughout the house.

My wife won't take our 6 month old to visit at the house due to the smoking.

My mother visits us and meets us out regularly.

My mother has kicked off a big dispuate saying the reasons for not visiting are "inaccurate and unreasonable".

Is my wife being over protective? If my mother not being respectful of her decision?

OP posts:

DailyMailNameChanger · 06/10/2009 18:28

I love the fact that you assume that he will be regularly airing the room - my experience of single males living at home is that airing rooms is not high on their priority list (although I am aware that is a generalisation)

Tambajam · 06/10/2009 18:28

I think if he smokes only in his room your wife is over-reacting slightly.
However this doesn't mean that you don't support her and offer a united front. She obviously feels strongly. It's sooo important for your marriage that you stick together and support each other. If you don't agree with her then you need to talk about it with her openly and try to come up with a compromise but that won't be achieved by trying to set out to prove she is wrong. You need to try and appreciate where she is coming from.

Original poster

vivaone · 06/10/2009 18:30

thanks for you replies guys really helops to see others opinions.

OP posts:

JodieO · 06/10/2009 18:37

I wouldn't take any baby or child of mine to a house where there was smoking. I detest smoking, it stinks. If your mother wants to see your child then get her to visit you or get her son to stop doing his vile habit in her house. She also has choices here.

FABIsInTraining · 06/10/2009 18:39

YANBU.

I developed asthma as a direct result of moving to live with my Gran who smoked like a chimney at 19.

ErnestTheBavarian · 06/10/2009 18:58

Am I the only one who thinks the wife is being totally U? It's not like everyone's gonna be sitting on db bed while he passes round a spliff, dropping burning embers on pfb head.

How do you feel about it? It's your dc and your mum involved. I think your wife needs to think about the long term good of family harmony, rather than getting neurotic and hysterical about the baby maybe breathing in a tiny trace of smoke what - once or twice a month .

I think it's selfish too. I hate this 'my baby my rules' shit, it isn't her baby. The baby has TWO parents. and a loving granny. How come only 1 person gets to call the shots?

It's a massive snub to your mum.

No talk at all of compromise? No convo? Just total unilateral veto?

SouthMum · 06/10/2009 19:02

Your wife is being unreasonable and precious (sorry)

He smokes in his room and baby will come to no harm with the odd visit.

DailyMailNameChanger · 06/10/2009 19:02

Ernest, there is a compromise, grandma gets to see dgc anytime she likes, just off the premesis - that is a compromise!

ErnestTheBavarian · 06/10/2009 19:04

Not much of one. crumbs chucked in direction of mil.

No doubt she'll be bleating on about how unsupportive pil (meaning mil) are when she wants something.

I bet if tables were turned and the OP said he refused to let baby go to her mum's house for whatever reason there'd be hell on.

Jacksmamwahahaha · 06/10/2009 19:04

I agree with your wife.

My MIL smokes. DS spends a lot of time there. I hate her smoking with a passion but it makes no difference how I feel (to her or my DH). She does not smoke in the same room with him but her house reeks of it, and he reeks of it and so do his clothes when he comes back from there.

It's awful and makes me rage inside that he's being exposed to it but I have no power over the situation.

piscesmoon · 06/10/2009 19:09

I think it all depends on whether you tolerate smoking. I think it disgusting and can't stand the stink. I avoid it and so would make sure that a baby would avoid it.
If you don't find smoking anti social then you are going to think the mum is over protective.

NeedCoffee · 06/10/2009 19:18

I agree with your wife and I am a smoker.

My dds and I always seemed to be ill, I quit smoking for 6 months and we've had hardly anythnig wrong with us collec tively, I started again at the beginning of the school holidays, within weeks we had illnesses/coughs/colds etc again, currently trying to stop and stay stopped again.

Not scientific at all but I believe smoking, even 2nd hand contributes to health, I never smoke in the house or the car, but it is on my clothes and breath and I belie that somewhere along the line my kids are being poisoned by the fumes from my cigarettes.

TitsalinaBumsquash · 06/10/2009 19:19

I agree with your wife, my children dont go in houses where people smoke. The compromise should be granny seeing your baby either outside the house (park/cafe/your house) or she stops B smoking in the house.

ChilloHippi · 06/10/2009 19:20

I wouldn't take my child there either. Not only is it the smoke, but I wouldn't want my child to be around someone who was or has been smoking dope.

ErnestTheBavarian · 06/10/2009 19:35

if the house reeks of smoke and the visits are very frequent and everyone comes out stinking then fair enough, but if this is not at all the case, and there just happens to be a room where someone smokes but the rest of the house is fine, then it would be U.

But OP hasn't said his feelings or given a clear picture of the effects of the smoking on the rest of the house.

In what was does she see your wife's claims as inaccurate? If she is so upset, it needs talking about not stoney walled uncompromising bans.

This smack less of a smoking dispute and more of a alpha female power battle.

Poor OP: Good luck.

westernfront · 06/10/2009 20:22

agree with welshdeb - no-one else has remarked on the dope - I would really not want tiny baby around that at all. I met family for a 'do' when son about 8months old - smokers all demanded we sit in smoking area of pub despite my misgivings and asking not to - still feel ashamed of myself for being bullied into it when I was absolutely right and they were selfish. Had really horrid lunch with my baby's granparents and great-uncle - none of whom have ever shown any care for any of my children at all ever since and none of whom I would bother meeting up with anymore.

DailyMailNameChanger · 06/10/2009 20:27

Western - to me the dope is a bit of a non-issue as I would not have my baby amoungst the smoke in the first place so what caused that smoke or is in it is immaterial IYSWIM.

HoneySocks · 06/10/2009 21:21

Support your wife here, i wouldnt take my kids to that house either. this is your baby too i think you need to put her needs first - your brother is more than able to use his legs and go outside for a smoke, your baby cannot decide for herself and leave that house.

lilyjen · 06/10/2009 21:31

I think this is spot on

lilyjen · 06/10/2009 21:32

Oh I meant the person who wrote that yr mum had 2 options-stop brother smoking in her house or go round yrs to visit grandson.

ravenAK · 06/10/2009 21:42

I wouldn't worry about dc being damaged by smoke particles from a closed room - probably more lung-ravaging nasties in exhaust fumes on the walk/drive there.

BUT I'd be grossed out by dc coming home reeking of fags (& he would; ex-smoker myself, & sorry, but if you smoke your house stinks & so does everyone who spends any length of time in it).

TBH if I liked MIL I'd probably grin & bear it (wash clothes after visits, etc).

But I do completely understand your dw's POV.

SqueezyCheesyPumpkin · 06/10/2009 21:57

I understand your wife's point of view. However, if the guy smokes in his own room and the MIL doesn't mind, who is anyone to complain about that? Exhaust fumes have already been mentioned and that is worse than being in a room that is separate from another room in which someone might happen to be smoking.

Presumably the baby will be nowhere near the room and so wouldn't be exposed to the smoke so I don't see what the problem is.

Personally I wouldn't smoke anywhere near a baby and I don't smoke anywhere in my own house but I, or anyone else, can't inflict those expectations on others.

Your wife is being totally unreasonable.

theworldsgoneDMmad · 06/10/2009 22:02

Back your wife up here.

I must also point out that even if you can't smell smoke, it doesn't mean that it isn't there (such as odourless carbon monoxide, which everyone should know about already if they're living with gas appliances).

preciouslillywhite · 06/10/2009 22:18

I had to make a decision like this- with my smoking MIL (in her 70s) and my twins.

MIL only smokes in her "study"- (and now my dds think that's what a study is for )- I had to balance one on side a tiny health risk for my dds, and a happy, kind and lovely granny- and on the other, no health risk, and an upset and hurt kind and lovely granny.

I chose the first option- and I'm sure MIL and my DDs were happier for it

DailyMailNameChanger · 06/10/2009 22:20

just trying to log in sorry!

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