dispute over smoking, who is being unreasonable?

[vivaone]

I was told babies would bring family disputes....:-( In brief:

My brother lives with my mother, he doesn't work and spends most of his time in his room smoking fags/dope. This smoking is confined to the bedroom only, not throughout the house.

My wife won't take our 6 month old to visit at the house due to the smoking.

My mother visits us and meets us out regularly.

My mother has kicked off a big dispuate saying the reasons for not visiting are "inaccurate and unreasonable".

Is my wife being over protective? If my mother not being respectful of her decision?

Just thought I'd chuck in a link to this item about babies and third hand smoke.

I don't believe that the OPs DW is being completey unreasonable, she's obviously read up on the topic of third hand smoke and feels that it's not something she wants her baby to be exposed to. She may be going about the enforcment of her decision a little too bluntly - but I'm afraid I think the OP needs to support his wife's decision.

It is not "punishing" the grandmother though is it? As far as the ops wife is concerned (and I agree with her) it is protecting the baby, not punishing anyone at all!

If MIL is being determined about this then I really think son needs to be equally determined ie "Mum, we love you and wnat you around for ds but we are not going to cave on this, it is our joint decision and I think you need to show me, your son, some respect" or words to that effect!

It´s the mother´s house, isn´t it?

What do you mean by the DW in question "has previous"?

But you´ve put that the DW "has previous".

Where do you get that?

Yes, it´s certainly up to the mother to let her son smoke in the house.

And it´s up to the wife not to want her baby in a smokey has.

Also, the OP agrees with his wifes stance, and as I read it, his mother has been OK with it until recently.

Smokey has??!!

Smokey house,of course.

Must preview!

I think OP has said that they get on apart from this.

And he agrees with his wife.

So I´m beginning to wonder what the problem is.

hi again
been catching up on the discussion.
My wife was the one that felt strongly about this issue to start with, I agreed but woudl have probaly been persauded by my mum to be more leneant on the issue. having researched mor and talked to other parents I am with my wife on this. HOwever wnat to try to reason with my mum on it, she is adamant still that we are being unfair. Want it layed to rest asap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My wife has been great with my mum, always doing nice thigns for her, and has suggested a family holiday with her to include her more in our sons life etc. This is the only issue that has come up to date.

If it´s not hard for your mum to get to your house, I think she ought to "put up & shut up".

That might sound harsh, but if things come to such a point that she visits less, she could regret it once your brother moves out & visits can happen at hers.

Is it the constant travelling to yours that is upsetting your mum, do you think?

good point. I think its just she wants everyone there - its only an half an hour to us. will speak to her later see what we can do!

I can see why she would want to be at hers, but I´m sure she´d rather see her (only?) grandchild than not?

Does she drive or do you fetch her?

Could she stay over at all if that would help?

Really simple - if it's such an issue not visting her house - MIL should stop BIL smoking inside - same goes for people with dogs (should put in separate room ), or anything else that might hurt baby (some really weird things like snakes - yuch - have actually killed a child due to salmonella on furniture - honestly, not making it up).
Wife is responsible for baby's health and you MIL is removed by a whole gereration - it's a privilege for grandparents to be involved - not an absolute right. Think your Mum is trying to get upper hand and should know better.