...to think my in-laws are selfish.....

[lumpasmelly]

I am pregnant with DC3 and we asked them if they would mind DS1 and DS2 while we go for our nuchal scan (we need to go into central london for it, so have a 7:30am start and possibly a long wait depending on whether additional testing is needed. I would ask a friend, but no-one has a car big enough to take their own children and 2 of mine (we are new to the area, so still gathering friends). MIL and FIL live 2 hours away, and it would be very easy for them to drive down the night before and take the boys to school/nursery that morning for us. HOWEVER, they have responded to say that they are going to see Oliver that day in London, and are taking the coach down, so this won't be possible as they want to "enjoy the full experience).....I am astounded that they have not offered to forgo the coach trip element of their day out as it would be super easy for them to get into town from where we live, in time for the 2:30 matinee. I wouldn't have any problem finding someone to pick the kids up in the afternoon if we ended up running late so it should be pretty simple. To make matters worse, from the e-mail they sent me, they seem to think that there is a problem with the baby (as I mentioned that we may need to have a CVs, though this is just due to my age) and they STILL said no. Now we are going to have to take my younger son with us which will be a complete nightmare, especially if I do end up having the additional tests. But hey....what more did I expect from a woman who's response to my pregnancy was "oh" and who has already told us that she "won't look after three of them" and who has averaged 2 days of babysitting a year since we have had kids.....grrrr....my parents live overseas, so unfortunately I can't rely on them at short notice. BTW MIL and FIL are retired, so it's not like they haven't spare time!!!Sorry to vent, but I really do dislike her! in fact, i could probably write a book on all the things she has done to annoy me!!! Grrrrrr

[OrmIrian]

Good luck with the scan OP. Hope you sort it somehow.

[twooter]

maybe they're worried about getting around london, and like the idea of a coach trip that takes them to the door at the right time with no hassles

[ruddynorah]

you should just go on your own and leave your dh to sort the children out.

[PeachyTentativelyPosting]

My guess is it is disappointment as much as annoyance

My Dad retires soon and Mum is sropping hints that the arrnaged babysitting is a no no and her babysitting days (for us, not for sisters- wont go there) are over.

Totally her choice.. But disdappointing nonetheless as it was DH and my first day out together in 3 years, and as two have asd there's no hire-in option.

So I did feel pissed off- but with life, and disappointment, rather than her. becuase it's her choice.

And of course resolved that if my kids ahve disabled children and no respite I will try V V V hard to help, but they don't know what its like, they live away so how could they?

So yes- different emotions.

And it's OK to be annoyed but everyone else is right- bit much to ask, all things considered. Saying that though i'd have done it had I been your Mum or MIL

[lisasimpson]

tbh it doesn't sound like they like babysitting or approve of this third pregnancy (or you come to that)

[ladyhelen2]

Aaaah OP. Tis a tricky one. This is a worrying time of a pg and undertandably you are prob a bit hormonal and when your IL's, who you clearly have issues with, won't assist, I totally understand why you feel the need to vent. Personally, I would feel the same. Its not an unreasonable request you make and like you say, they will still be able to see the show and enjoy the experience. After all, its not as though you are asking for help so you can go shopping or something. It would have been horrific if I'd had to take my DS to my nuchal - DH fainted when we had the results ( they were not great odds). On the other hand they have plans already made but I don't think YABU to feel that your IL's could have assisted here.

[Hulababy]

Actually theatre trps often are not moveable, without losing the cost of the tickets, especially for popular shows like Oliver. I am assuming the coach is part of the trip. I would imagine that PILs have paid a fair bit of money for the trip, especially with popular theatre tickets included. You could well be talking the best part of £100 or more.

It is unfortunate that the appointment falls on the date of their prearranged trip. But they shouldn't be expected to change their plans. Sorry.

[diddl]

I agree it is a lot to ask, especially as it would involve two overnights, one of which might be after OP & her husband have returned home with bad news.

[freename]

I'm with you Riven!

But what gets my goat is all this I'll do it for your sibling not for you mullarkey. What the hell is that?
I am so resolved to offering both my DCs the same amount of support whatever the circumstances. Even if it means I have to travel. They might not want it of course but it will be offered equally.

Nothing more damaging imo than parents doing this. Her choice you say Peachy?. Bloody hell! I can only think it is a power trip for people who are unable to resolve their grievances any other way. I simply can't understand it right now. Maybe I will when I am an old lady but sheesh!

[diddl]

Of course it´s sad when family won´t help.

But I´m wondering if this is more a case of can´t?

Plus, if the ILs have any idea how the OP feels anout them,I´m not surprised that they are not breaking their backs to help.

And,they might feel that it´s not unreasonable for their son to look after his children whilst his wife goes for a scan.

[MovingOutOfBlighty]

Not many people have seemed to pick up on the fact that the OP had an email saying there might be something wrong with the baby.

For that reason alone i would really want family to rally around me. It does seem sad that they can't do this. OK, the relation between the MIl and OP is obviously not good, but what about the MIL and the DH. It is his child too.

I just think it would be awful for the OP to hear any bad news alone. And dreadful for the DC to have to be in the room if there is bad news as well. My sisters DD was in the room for some bad news (I won't say what as dont want to distress) and she still is shaken by it.

I hope you can build some kind of better relationship with them.

[ruddynorah]

i took it that the email was from the PILs, ie, they understand what the nuchal test may show.

[MovingOutOfBlighty]

Ah - I get it!! Just read it back about email.

[diddl]

Looking at the OP again, I think the ILs are worried that there might be something wrong, and don´t want to be there.

[traceybath]

It sounds as though really its just a case of bad timing.

Nuchals can be done within a 2 week time frame so can you not move it?

To be honest though i went to all scans on my own for 3rd pregnancy as DH needed to look after other children. Not ideal but necessary sometimes.

Hope you resolve the situation.

And ultimately if in-laws don't want to help you can't force them. Sad but true.

[ReneRusso]

YABU. Ok, its a pity they are not very supportive about this pregnancy, but I don't think you can expect them to change their plans for the day.

[lumpasmelly]

Oh well - maybe my expectations of my in-laws are too high. no, I can't change the scan date as the CVS is only carried out on a Wednesday and if I leave it until the week after, then it's too late to carry out the test. Not sure how many of you have had the procedure, but it's not pleasant and involves a 10 inch needle being stuck in your stomach and a risk of miscarriage, hence my desire not to have my two year old there....plus there is sometimes a wait of sometimes up to six hours to have it done once you are there, as everyone sees the same man (ridiculous I know)....anyway, I suppose that out of context I do seem a bit spoiled and demanding, but in the grand scheme of things, we very rarely ask anything of the grandparents and it's not like we were asking them to cancel the show...just be a little bit flexible with how they got there - we would have paid for them to see the show again, if that's what it took!! ....We do a great deal for our PILS, both in terms of our time and also financially so it would be nice if they could traet us in the same way that we treat them. But hey, the next time MIL starts to go on at me to build an annexe for them over our garage for when they downsize, I might take a leaf out of their book in terms of their attitude.....

Thank-you to all that showed some support - luckily my neighbour saw how upset I was about the whole thing and has offered to sort out both kids for the whole day if necessary, so I am now basking in the warmth of neighourly kindness!!!

[freakname]

I'm glad for you lumpa, hope you can relax now and destress.
If it's any help to you, my SIL had to have CVs scan because her nuchal ratio wasn't quite right and I know she was freaking out too. Everything turned out ok in the end and they were even able to tell her the sex of the baby.
Fingers crossed for you hun, hope it all goes well on the day and you come back with good news.x

[tinkerbellesmuse]

Lumpa - glad you've managed to resolve your situation and if anything should change be aware that actually a CVS can be carried out at any time from 9 weeks (I have no idea why they have told you it has to be done in the one week time frame but that is not accurate).

I have had a CVS and whilst the risk is a worry the procedure itself is actually quick and pain free (they numb your bump) so try not to worry.

[bumpsoon]

Sorry but here a nuchal is a private scan ,that you have very early on in the pregnancy if you choose to .You still get a normal dating scan and a anamoly scan . Is this pregnancy really high risk ,or do you feel as a result of your age ,that you are automatically high risk? as for your PILs well they may or may not be unreasonable ,if your MIL knows you dont like her and that you are often annoyed by her ,maybe she feels why should she mess up her day for you ? Hope it all goes well with the scan though

[lumpasmelly]

Forgot to mention.....the reason I will probably need the CVS is because of age (39), and also previous miscarriage due to detected chromosomal abnormality. It is recommended that we have it - just haven't fully decided for reasons any of you who have had one would understand. And for the record (as feeling quite attacked here) my MIL has no idea I am beginning to feel this way about her, as I am far too polite and genial to ever let it show, and I would never want to start some sort of feud. Whenever they stay with us (which they do frequently with NO childcare obligations) they are treated like a king and queen - we even give them our bedroom as MIL likes to have an ensuite....I am bottling it all up, and was just looking for a bit of a vent on this site which is usually pretty supportive!!! Oh - and FIL is very nice, but completely henpecked, hence no hard feelings towards him. If it were up to him, I'm sure he would of helped. Anyway - can't believe this post has provoked such a response!!!! It's made for interesting reading!!

[ErnestTheBavarian]

glad your neighbour has offered to help.
Hope your scan goes ok and you don't need the cvs at all.

[starwhores]

Brilliant outcome! Good luck with it all. I had nuchals with each of mine, second of which resulted in a CVS... I fully sympathise, the dying to cry but unable to just in case you move the needle is all to shuddery for me.
Rise above it if you can, it's not unusual for people to be more rigid about their plans as they get older. Also pregnancy is a long time ago for your MIL, perhaps she has forgotten how it can feel.