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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to think my in-laws are selfish.....

118 replies

lumpasmelly · 06/10/2009 14:51

I am pregnant with DC3 and we asked them if they would mind DS1 and DS2 while we go for our nuchal scan (we need to go into central london for it, so have a 7:30am start and possibly a long wait depending on whether additional testing is needed. I would ask a friend, but no-one has a car big enough to take their own children and 2 of mine (we are new to the area, so still gathering friends). MIL and FIL live 2 hours away, and it would be very easy for them to drive down the night before and take the boys to school/nursery that morning for us. HOWEVER, they have responded to say that they are going to see Oliver that day in London, and are taking the coach down, so this won't be possible as they want to "enjoy the full experience).....I am astounded that they have not offered to forgo the coach trip element of their day out as it would be super easy for them to get into town from where we live, in time for the 2:30 matinee. I wouldn't have any problem finding someone to pick the kids up in the afternoon if we ended up running late so it should be pretty simple. To make matters worse, from the e-mail they sent me, they seem to think that there is a problem with the baby (as I mentioned that we may need to have a CVs, though this is just due to my age) and they STILL said no. Now we are going to have to take my younger son with us which will be a complete nightmare, especially if I do end up having the additional tests. But hey....what more did I expect from a woman who's response to my pregnancy was "oh" and who has already told us that she "won't look after three of them" and who has averaged 2 days of babysitting a year since we have had kids.....grrrr....my parents live overseas, so unfortunately I can't rely on them at short notice. BTW MIL and FIL are retired, so it's not like they haven't spare time!!!Sorry to vent, but I really do dislike her! in fact, i could probably write a book on all the things she has done to annoy me!!! Grrrrrr

OP posts:

diddl · 06/10/2009 15:19

Isn´t this scan done routinely at about 12 wks?

Or have you been singled out as in particular need of one?

motheringfrights · 06/10/2009 15:21

There's nothing unreasonable about asking for family support, but it needs both parties to be thoughtful if it's going to work happily.

If I needed my parents to help with the kids I speak to them ahead of making the appointment, or call from the surgery to check dates with them, and try and book something that worked for both of us.

Hoping they'll help is one thing, expecting them to help no matter what they've planned is another entirely.

Weegle · 06/10/2009 15:25

YABU

Not that it's a competition but my inlaws have not once babysat for us. My parents have once. In 3 years.

I am currently pregnant with a high risk (MCDA twins) pregnancy, a disability rendering me to crutches and a wheelchair, and a 3 year old in tow - not to mention the house in turmoil with building work. I am having fortnightly scans and obs appts - I've been to all bar one without DH (he has to work) and if DS isn't at preschool he comes with me. I guess it's just life... friends are helping where they can but I would never expect anyone to change plans for me - and in this situation I really don't see the problem, take the children with you or change the appt time.

MoonlightMcKenzie · 06/10/2009 15:29

Sorry YABU. Why do they have to do the babysitting just because they are in the country? Why can't your parents do it if it is that important?

freename · 06/10/2009 15:34

There is obviously not much love here, sorry.

Quite frankly I would think as a parent if my child were going to do something like that I would want to help.

As for changing their plans, you weren't asking them to miss the show you were asking them to forego the coach ride! Er coach ride or look after GDCs? I know which one I would choose.

As moving said let's hope they don't need you one day! Don't get me wrong I don't have much time for people , for example, who take their parents on holiday with them because they want some time off or those who just expect stuff. You had kids, it's your responsibility, get on with it.

But in some cases if a specific request for help is made I think it's snotty to decline just because you've an axe to grind. It's still family at the end of the day.

OrmIrian · 06/10/2009 15:36

"all the things she has done to annoy me!!!"

Is it your MIL's job to avoid things that annoy you then?

freename · 06/10/2009 15:37

Good luck with the scans hun. x

ErnestTheBavarian · 06/10/2009 15:38

You say it would be very easy for them, but that's looking at it from your pov.

Maybe they don't like staying in other people's houses? My fil hates it and won't do it. Maybe they were travelling with mates and the journey was to be half of the fun? Maybe they find your 2 really difficult? You don't say how old they are, but it might be too much for them, especially if they're not used to it.

Asking for help is one thing, but asking other people to rearrange their plans and go to quite some trouble just so you don't have to is being demanding. And why do you want someone that you talk of so contemptuously to look after your kids anyway?

Take 1 with you, or get 2 friends involved, 1 for each child, or go alone like many many women have to do. (I went to all my scans alone with everything from 1 17 month old to 3 dc in tow and lived to tell the tale, as did plenty of other women)

freename · 06/10/2009 15:38

Judging by the post Orm I think her MIL knows exactly how to annoy her

starwhores · 06/10/2009 15:45

OP, not everyone is as kind as you. Many people have really good PILs, I don't. We don't get on at all and there have been times where they've not spoken to any of us (dcs included) but I know if we asked them to babysit to ensure the health of our baby they would, without question. They would probably drop everything as would my parents and they live thousands of miles away and have busy lives and jobs, but they are kind and considerate people.

Can you get an appointment elsewhere?

starwhores · 06/10/2009 15:45

PS OP has said she's having a cvs due to age and so this pg must be quite risky?

ErnestTheBavarian · 06/10/2009 15:46

Why is all the venom towards MIL though? OP says " BTW MIL and FIL are retired, so it's not like they haven't spare time!!!Sorry to vent, but I really do dislike her!"

Maybe it's fil who doesn't want to change the plans?
Maybe they think it's really rude of OP/her dh to have asked when they already know they have plans?
Maybe they don't understand the whole antenatal testing thing as it didn't happen in their day?
Maybe they just find babysitting too stressful?

freename · 06/10/2009 15:48

If I was nervous about an important appointment and there was potential for devastating news I would expect family to support me. If they couldn't I would just get on with it but that's different from 'wouldn't'. Can you not see why OP is upset?

Shoot me down in flames!!!!!!

Admiration for all those of you who had to for one reason or another.

Clearly OP does not have an ideal relationship with ILs. And this will go no way to help in the future will it?

ErnestTheBavarian · 06/10/2009 15:49

Starwhores "PS OP has said she's having a cvs due to age and so this pg must be quite risky?" - no, she said she may have to have them. How old is OP? Maybe it is risky, maybe she worries a lot? Who know.

Is the point of the OP just to rant about how nasty her pil (really only the evil MIL) or try to look for alternatives as they aren't able to come?

Ah yes, it's to bitch about mil.

Maybe the latter would be more productive op?

OrmIrian · 06/10/2009 15:50

Good question ernest.

They had plans. It's something that they have been looking forward to.

Maybe it's a generational thing too. Mum lost several babies and gave birth to twins who died after a few hours. It was considered a private thing and involved her and my dad only. I think that for older people their grandparently duties/interest start after the birth - before birth it is private and no-one else's concern.

addictedtosuckingblood · 06/10/2009 15:52

op i dont think you are being unreasonable, all you have asked is that you drop them off at school and nusery, and then they can get on with all they had planned. i really dont think that is unreasonable.

FiveGoMadonTheDanceFloor · 06/10/2009 15:55

If you can find someone easily to pick them up in the afternoon how come you can't find somone in the morning?

YABU.

addictedtosuckingblood · 06/10/2009 15:56

i forgot to add that maybe the op is hormonal, tired and stressed and needed to vent about this which turned into a slight mil bashing - however that doesnt change the fact that all she has asked is that they take her 2 dc to school and nusery and then go to the theater which they had planned not loosing out on any of their day apart from a coach journey

freename · 06/10/2009 15:57

Orm and Ernest would you not feel anything if your son or daughter had a risky pregnancy and had to have extra scans and you knew they were really nervous about it? Would you think 'it's private' and not wonder about your potential grandchild's health?
I think I would be worried sick.
But I agree the relationship with the ILs is a factor and we don't know their side of the story.

diddl · 06/10/2009 15:59

Well, I´ll probably get flamed for this, but if this scan is routine, and the OP has no reason to expect "additional testing", I´m wondering why her husband can´t look after the children.

I was bleeding once and had to go alone to find if I had lost baby.

Husband couldn´t get there easily & all he could offer was "if it´s bad news, phone from the hospital & I´ll fetch you".

freename · 06/10/2009 16:00

Fivego they have a 7.30 start. Quite an awkward time to find help for at short notice.

ifnotwhynot · 06/10/2009 16:00

funny how you say that none of your friends has a car big enough to take your dcs to school but that they would be able to pick them up after if you were still at the hospital!

kitbit · 06/10/2009 16:03

Sorry but YABU. You don't get why they wanted to include a coach trip as part of their day, I do: it's part of the excitement. And it was already planned. And it doesn't sound as though you have been very gracious all round therefore if I was your MIL I too would probably decline to rearrange a day I was looking forward to and had booked in advance to help out a stroppy DIL who clearly resented me.

Sorry, you did ask!

stuffitllllama · 06/10/2009 16:03

Sorry, but a nuchal scan is fairly routine. Taking a child isn't the end of the world. What do you think other people do?

Going on the coach trip is all part of the day out btw in that sort of situation.

YABU, and a bit peevish.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 06/10/2009 16:04

The PILs live two hours away. They were planning on a relaxing coach ride into town, an afternoon at the theatre, perhaps a nice meal out with a bottle of wine, and a nice, relaxing coach ride back.

Instead, they are to drive down the night before, stay with a DIL who doesn't like them (or pay for a hotel) and get up at the crack of dawn to ensure that a dc they don't know very well gets up, washed, dressed, fed and off to school. Then, they are graciously allowed to get themselves into town, pay for parking, watch the show, and get back to the car before the meter runs out.

Sounds great.

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