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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think my in-laws are selfish.....

118 replies

lumpasmelly · 06/10/2009 14:51

I am pregnant with DC3 and we asked them if they would mind DS1 and DS2 while we go for our nuchal scan (we need to go into central london for it, so have a 7:30am start and possibly a long wait depending on whether additional testing is needed. I would ask a friend, but no-one has a car big enough to take their own children and 2 of mine (we are new to the area, so still gathering friends). MIL and FIL live 2 hours away, and it would be very easy for them to drive down the night before and take the boys to school/nursery that morning for us. HOWEVER, they have responded to say that they are going to see Oliver that day in London, and are taking the coach down, so this won't be possible as they want to "enjoy the full experience).....I am astounded that they have not offered to forgo the coach trip element of their day out as it would be super easy for them to get into town from where we live, in time for the 2:30 matinee. I wouldn't have any problem finding someone to pick the kids up in the afternoon if we ended up running late so it should be pretty simple. To make matters worse, from the e-mail they sent me, they seem to think that there is a problem with the baby (as I mentioned that we may need to have a CVs, though this is just due to my age) and they STILL said no. Now we are going to have to take my younger son with us which will be a complete nightmare, especially if I do end up having the additional tests. But hey....what more did I expect from a woman who's response to my pregnancy was "oh" and who has already told us that she "won't look after three of them" and who has averaged 2 days of babysitting a year since we have had kids.....grrrr....my parents live overseas, so unfortunately I can't rely on them at short notice. BTW MIL and FIL are retired, so it's not like they haven't spare time!!!Sorry to vent, but I really do dislike her! in fact, i could probably write a book on all the things she has done to annoy me!!! Grrrrrr

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 06/10/2009 16:05

Yes I would freename. But I am not the same generation as my parents. As I say they were expected to just get on with it and be up and at 'em the next day. Horrific really but that's how it was for them. And yes it was a private sadness not a public tragedy.

freename · 06/10/2009 16:07

diddl how was everything ok?

In my world all the DHs would move mountains at work to be with their wives and know all the right things to say. All the ILs would have loving relationships with new members of the family and everyone would be HAPPY and everything would be ok forver and ever and ever.......

Firawla · 06/10/2009 16:07

yabu they have plans, i can understand they wouldnt want to cancel it. can you not pay for some childcare or take kids with you, if noone else available? or you can reschedule to a different day, i rescheduled for my glucose test as its a long time at hospital and wanted to be on a day that mil would be able to mind ds. if you really want them to have your dc while u go hosp ask what day will be okay and reschedule for couple of days or a week after?

starwhores · 06/10/2009 16:10

The PILs live two hours away. They were planning on a relaxing coach ride into town, an afternoon at the theatre, perhaps a nice meal out with a bottle of wine, and a nice, relaxing coach ride back.
Instead they could stay with a very grateful SON and DIL and their two gdcs, get up early (well they do anyway because they're older not teenagers) and have breakfast with their grandchildren, SON pays for them to get a taxi to the train station and a ticket to get them into London in time to watch Oliver and at the end of the day they can return to their Son's house for a lovely meal, to say thank you, and a night's board!

tinkerbellesmuse · 06/10/2009 16:11

YABU

PIL's have other plans. They have a life, it happens.

Surely the nuchal is routine and if you need te CVS it is very rare that anywhere will do it the same day IME. You will need to be booked on for an appointment on another day.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/10/2009 16:11

YANBU
Why shouldn't they be asked, rarely and for something important, to look after their grandkids? Yes they have raised their kids but part of raising kids to adulthood means possible gtandchildren, and what kind of gransparent doesn't want to spend time with their grandkids and also help out their adult children sometimes?
Also - those who are all 'FGS' and about going to a scan alone must have been very lucky to have had straightforward PGs. Imagine hearing bad news with a 2yo present?

diddl · 06/10/2009 16:16

Yes, it was all fine, thanks

More logistics than husband not wanting to be there.

I knew I would be there & scanned before he could even get there.

Plus, it wasn´t a pre planned appointment, of course.

tinkerbellesmuse · 06/10/2009 16:17

@ kat2907 Nothing to do with having straight forward pregnancies. Unfortunately my 3 and 4 year old were with me when I had a scan at which I was told my DS was unlikely to survive the rest of my pregnancy. It was of course shit. Doesn't mean that the OP is being reasonable though.

giveloveachance · 06/10/2009 16:19

You are SO NOT BEING unreasonable - its not as if you were asking so you could go enjoy yourself. Its your nuchal scan FGS! Perhaps they dont really understand the significance and worry behind the need to scan and the potential outcome / options that must be racing around your head?

If they don't want to help, SOD them!! Would it be possible to have your DH stay home with the kids so you wont worry and go with a close friend? Although you wont have the support of your DH in person at least you wont have to worry about keeping your DS occupied while you are in the scan.

BTW for the posters who said what about you moving the scan - the scans have to be at a certain time and appointments are not moveable. Theatre trips however usually are, and perhaps the PILs could look into postponing their trip to another date.

freename · 06/10/2009 16:19

Orm I agree about 'public tragedy' but in some families parents and siblings are still considered private that's all. I wasn't implying that you wouldn't care of course, it was more rhetorical.
It's not just nuchal stuffit OP thinks it might be CVS as well.
Look she is clearly worried and upset that her ILs don't seem to care as much as they could. Differences aside how far do you have to go to snub someone to make a point. 'You don't like me so I'm not going to show any interest in your pregnancy'. Petty. Still their son's new baby at the centre of it.

And imo if the relationship isn't that good to begin with it must have taken alot for OP to ask in the first place. Anyone out there get my point at all?

diddl · 06/10/2009 16:22

Sometimes though, the choice is leave husband with child(ren), and go to scan alone.

bamboostalks · 06/10/2009 16:22

LOL Starwhores at the 'fifty uchal scans with 17 children on my back'

freename · 06/10/2009 16:24

So many sad experiences out there!

What happened to freename's world!!!!!

FiveGoMadonTheDanceFloor · 06/10/2009 16:25

Look at this another way Starwhores. They are staying with a DIL who has professed on here that she can't stand her MIL, they will be woken up early which they may not do at home (my PILS never get up before 9am) and they will be having 2 nights away from their home instead of having a nice relaxing trip down to London a nice meal out and then home.

MrsWobble · 06/10/2009 16:25

why not book an emergency nanny? there are lots of agencies who can provide this sort of thing.

diddl · 06/10/2009 16:26

Perhaps they would rather not be there if you come back with "bad" news?

addictedtosuckingblood · 06/10/2009 16:27

freename i do and i agree with you

diddl · 06/10/2009 16:30

freename, I do get you.

Maybe I´m odd in that if I was going for a scan that might bring bad news, my parents/ILs would be the last people I would want to involve.

HKT · 06/10/2009 16:31

YANBU - I've never had to go to a scan on my own, and hope I never have to. I'm not saying it's beyond my capabilities, but if something was wrong, how awful to be alone (hugs to those who've gone through it)
But, YAB slightly U to expect them to drop everything, retired or not, they still have a lfe.
Do as MrsWobble says, find an emergency nanny

OrmIrian · 06/10/2009 16:32

diddl - "my parents/ILs would be the last people I would want to involve. "

Ditto. Which may say more about me than them.

freename · 06/10/2009 16:37

Orm I don't think it does. If it were bad news the only person I would want is DH too. Maybe for someone to have the kids but without questions. I don't think I could bear to have ILs around (or my parents, especially not my mum, she would really set me off) however well meaning they were.

ManicMother7777 · 06/10/2009 16:40

OP you have my sympathy, my ex-inlaws were exactly like that (how I love to use the ex prefix) they are just down the road, my parents are 100s of miles away but inlaws would never lift a finger or put themselves out in the slightest to help even when we had some real low points and just asked for tiny favours. At one point the hospital thought i was in premature labour with ds2 and they refused to look after ds1 and we would have had to take him to hospital with us or I would have had to go on my own. As diddl says, that can be the reality and it's not really the end of the world.

What everyone is saying is neverthless true, they have their own lives and I think there can be an attitude of 'we had it tough, why do you expect an easy time?' from the older generation. I also think there's an element of them actually not being able to cope, although they may not admit it.

It is just really upsetting though when they appear not to care.

In the end, we found it easier just to count them out of the equation and we just stopped asking them, on the rare instances they agreed to babysit there would be so many ifs and buts and terms and conditions that it just wasn't worth it.

Best of luck.

thesecondcoming · 06/10/2009 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheHeadlessWombat · 06/10/2009 16:44

YABVU.

piscesmoon · 06/10/2009 16:47

If you needed them for childcare the most sensible thing would have been to ask beforehand and agree possible dates before you made the appointment. It isn't really just a little thing-it completely spoils their plans.