AIBU to resent SIL always taking food off my plate!?

[freename]

If theres a meal we're at together, home, restaurant, wherever she always samples things off my plate. She never orders dessert, but will happily try and nick some of mine.

It has got to the stage where I go to great lengths to avoid sitting anywhere near her but the last time we were together she actually moved seats to be closer to me!

DH thinks she sees it as some kind of female bonding. Bond with someone else I say Other than confrontation which I want to avoid (because lets face it with her it would be like pandora's box ) how can I deter this particular obsession.

Buy one of these.

Make a big show of blowing it up at the table before you order.

When everyone asks why you have it. Respond ''it is to defend my plate from x''.

Proceed to bash her with it everytime she swoops in.

I did try moving seats last time (gravy incident) we were a group of 11 plus 2 very LOs. So imagine the long table.
DH is aware and is happy to collude and did so on this occasion. We waited for them to be seated while we 'faffed' with our own DCs. Then we picked the seats furthest away from them so I was totally out of reach.
Having ordered, during the waiting phase I went to the ladies and .........when I came back she was in the chair next to me!!!!!!

I was shocked enough to ask what the hell happened and she said she wanted to be at the head of the table so she could get in and out easily (or something like that) I was thinking 'what about the other f*ing head of the table'!!!!

Also with the gravy she actually said 'drop' as it wasn't gluten free, I thought she literally would take a drop. BUT she emptied the damn thing.

I think all of you advising me to say something more direct are right. I think whatever we've tried before hasn't worked so we need to be more specific and clear. Or at least I do.

The rest of you make me laugh

This is a classic thread! Yes, I think direct may be the answer - this is MY food and I am going to eat it - if you like the look of something I have on my plate, bl**dy order it!! if all else fials lean over plate and protect with hands in manner of 5 year old with pudding....

stealth I'm pretty sure I don't have a 'I think this is cute' expression on my face when it happens.
Usually I've dug my nails into DH's thigh and he is choking on his mouthful because he can't believe it's happened again either.

how did you actually react when she took drop of your gravy yet finished the jug? Were you visibly pissed off? Did you say anything? Did you order another jug for yourself, or ask someone else if they had any left over as she had finished yours? If none of these, she may well genuinely not have a clue you have a problem with it.

You need to stop being too nice and worrying about offending her, and say something as most other people have said.

either indirectly, by ordering on for her, or directly don't take my food. Playing musical chairs clearly doesn't work.

you need to be digging the nails into her thigh, not your dh's

no I'm sure you don't but she doesn't sound like someone who picks up on subtle body language
oh I know, can you get your DH to take something off your plate next time and then stab him in the hand and say loudly "You know how much I hate people taking my food!"
Or is that still too subtle

Can't believe her cheek!

Can't DH (is it his sister? Or your brother's wife?) be the unsubtle one? Can't he say 'do you know it really pisses freename off?'

Ooh I would hate this I am of the Joey camp - I do not share food. I may ocassionally offer DP a try of something I have and vice versa, but would nve take food from someone's plate, or allow someone else to take from mine.

Just tell her next time, what can she say?

So how do you split the bill??

If its female bonding you order a dessert each so you don't have to narrow the choices as much!

She sounds bizarre and annoying, could you subtlty stab her hand with cake fork "Oh sorry, didn't see you eating my food!"

wukter we always split the bill. They have no money worries, so it's not that. I don't think of them as being mean with money iyswim.
kat2907 and ballon so much of what you say rings true. Especially about the attention. Yes she is delicate and fragile in so many ways but I do think the whole family indulges her quite generously.

It has always been something or other, but since motherhood and her youngest (and somehow her) needing to be gluten free (self diagnosed btw) there is so much discourse about food.

In fact the MIL and GMIL deffo have issues with food. Their behaviour is contained to commenting on how little the GDCs have eaten, how picky they are, how much they've left etc. I am quite vocal about nipping this if it starts though. I have no problem speaking up when it comes to my DCs.
No child needs a running commentary about their eating, just puts them off imo. I do say 'please stop going on, let me worry about how much my LOs eat'. My DCs are great eaters btw but IL's seem to need to make a thing of it. Like I'm supposed to tell them off or something as a result of MIL/GMIL comment. They are not wasteful either as I dish up for them and know how much to put on their plates etc.

I suspect if this was going on through her childhood then it could have screwed her up -but then why hasn't it done the same to DH who has the same relationship with food as me?

Agree with SPB, set up a scenario with your dh where he leans over to take some of your food (preferably just as she makes a move to do so ). Ostentatiously slap his hands and tell him off for all to hear then make a joke to her "he thinks he can get away with nicking my meal but it's so rude and annoying!"

Because he is male and maybe in that family males were "allowed" to eat a lot and females were supposed to be ladylike and pick at their food?

Next time you are in a restaurant and she does it, put your fork down, look at her and say 'gosh! You DO have a big appetite today, don't you?' and then tell her that you'll order her a side plate so you can put some bits of your food on there for her. Even if she protests, claim it's no trouble at all and get a waiter to bring one for her (explaining to him loudly exactly what it's for in a jolly tone) and scrape some of your food onto her plate. Then make casual conversation asking whatever she's been doing today to be soooo ravenous and that if you were to eat as much you'd be the size of a house in no time! Oh, and if she says it's because she didn't order dessert and would like to try some, say 'yes, i sometimes change my mind like that when I see everyone else with their lovely desserts!' and pull the waiter trick again, making a big fuss of ordering a dessert menu for her, explaining on her behalf that actually, she would now like a dessert.

Hopefully the humiliation of it will stop her.

you're absolutely right ernest I had the perfect opportunity to say something re the gravy and the whole gluten thing would have been a great counter argument but instead I just went quiet.
It's so weird because I really don't have a problem speaking up about the DCs for example. I am a confident person in every other way. Shame she doesn't try to nick off their plates, I'm sure she'd see a new side to me.
I must speak up!

What's she like when her mother and grandmother are not around?

Order lots of things with gluten in them. Especially pudding (spotted dick/chocolate pudding/crumble etc) and then when she swoops try

"Sorry I can't let you have this. It has gluten in it. I'll feel guilty later when I think how ill it will make you."

or

"It's for your own good. This is full of gluten".

Hit her grasping hand with the spoon if she comes near, whilst repeating "you'll thank me later!".

Then keep hitting her with a spoon regardless of what you're eating every time she swoops

LOL I'm trying to count how many times she's been stabbed with a fork or had her hand slapped!

MIL and GMIL don't comment on how much the adults eat. So they don't analyse how much SIL and I are eating, just GDCs (all of whom are boys). Still a female thing you think balloon? Deffo weird.

MIL shouldn't eat loads of things as she has a fragile gut but is never able to control herself or weigh up the consequences and often ends up being ill. I'm realising all these things are obviously going to be connected.

Thanks again to everyone, it's really liberating to discuss this. I've never mentioned it to anyone other than my DH before so really grateful.

same thing balloon we've had loads of meals just the four of us (me, DH, SIL (she's his sis) and BIL)

My sister does this, and it really pisses me off!
She is deluded and thinks she is a little dainty fairy, and I am a big fat pig, so she won't order her own, cos she is far too little, and can't manage a whole portion, and I am far too porky to need a whole portion She thinks she's doing us both a favour.
I think I'd quite like to try licking everything, it sounds more fun than reasonably telling her to fuck off and get her own

Wow that's annoying. The comments that "no, you can't have that, it's got gluten in" is a good one, but then i think something needs saying, otherwise you'll never be able to order anything gluten free. You either have to say "I'd rather you didn't take any" or get your DH to do it as it's his sister.

Personally, I'd refuse to meet them for dinner unless it's big family affairs.

Bang goes that theory - wondered if she was told "oh you can't have that, you'll get fat" when a child, and was worried about what her mum would say if she ordered a pudding as a grown up.

My sister used to say things like "I don't want a whole portion of chips, I'll just have a couple of yours" and it took a year or so of her DH and others saying: "But I do want a whole portion of whatever, so I will buy you your own portion, and what you don't eat, I am happy for you to leave," for the penny to drop and for her to stop doing it. In her case it was just being young, (still in the sharing your packet of crisps mode) having a sweet tooth and not being interested enough in the savoury part of a meal to want to eat a whole portion - she'd want to save the room for pudding. She doesn't do it at all now, but then she is no longer 7.5 stone either .

Depends where you go to eat but if they do one of those sharing puddings, you could say "Shall we get one of these SIL? You always ending up eating half of mine anyway, hahahaha, at least this is enough for two."

I am lucky that I have never suffered from any eating disorder, it must be miserable to have such an important, and pleasurable, aspect of your life rendered a source of stress for you. I feel quite sorry for your SIL.

I´m not sure I´d really want to humiliate her, but if directly asking her not to do it hasn´t worked, it seems that it might be the next step.

How often do you all eat together?

exactly balloon and diddl hence I've never directly said anything to her.
I am not controlled by food either. It's something we have to do to survuve but it can indeed be very pleasurable. I can take or leave it, just depends on how busy I am, what I've got in the cupboard, what the occasion is, how much effort I want to put in etc.

She does talk about it an awful lot. I am vegetarian but I don't beat people about the head with it and I don't bring it up unless it's appropriate. Like if you're cooking a meal for me

I'm resolved to saying, 'I'd rather you didn't do that, thanks, why don't you ask BIL instead' and seeing what happens. Not meaning to push it on BIL but at least they are better poised to talk about it in private if needs be.

Lunch anyone tis time!