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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to resent SIL always taking food off my plate!?

126 replies

freename · 05/10/2009 19:14

If theres a meal we're at together, home, restaurant, wherever she always samples things off my plate. She never orders dessert, but will happily try and nick some of mine.

It has got to the stage where I go to great lengths to avoid sitting anywhere near her but the last time we were together she actually moved seats to be closer to me!

DH thinks she sees it as some kind of female bonding. Bond with someone else I say Other than confrontation which I want to avoid (because lets face it with her it would be like pandora's box ) how can I deter this particular obsession.

OP posts:
wheredidiputit · 05/10/2009 21:49

I would either wait until she ordered her meal then order the exact same thing, saying that as we are having the same meal you won't touch mine will you.

Or you sit oneside and your dh sits the other and both keep 'trying' her meal until she gets the message.

She probaly doesn't touch her DH meal as she knows he will not allow it.

kitbit · 05/10/2009 21:59

But not only is it annoying it's BAD MANNERS! Didn't anyone ever teach her baasic table manners? It's not OK to do that, maybe between close friends or husband and wife (with permission!) but to be openly snacking on someone else's meal especially in a restaurant...aargh!!

2rebecca · 05/10/2009 22:12

I'd just politely ask her not to. Never had this as an issue, if it's a regular occurrance I'd just tell her it's annoying and she can nick her husband's food if he's happy with it but to leave yours alone. We often exchange tasters of each other's food if in restaurants, but mainly husband and I. The kids sometimes want to try stuff out of curiousity.
If she comes to sit near you you could always say "I'll sit next to you on condition that you leave my food alone".

Goober · 05/10/2009 22:15

Ground black pepper. Loads of it. Even on the custard.

picmaestress · 05/10/2009 22:19

Oh, it's horrible habit! Someone who works for me does this to my lunch at work. He never offers his own food, is quite narky about it, but apparently all of my food is fair game. Actually this happens to me a lot, mainly by men.

I think there's a perception if you're quite a small female that you don't 'need' as much food as other people, so your food is up for grabs.

I do think it's a rather interesting 'pecking order' issue, it's a hell of an invasion! It's a very basic form of social bullying which is why I reckon it's so annoying. I'm amazed your DP hasn't told her to pack it in.

I'd probably be really childish and passive-aggressive about it, and sigh, and push the bowl away towards her and say 'No, really why don't you have it? It's a bit disconcerting sharing it'.

freename · 06/10/2009 09:21

Thanks for all the replies everyone. picmaestress it's funny you should say that! I am petite as well, perhaps in her mind I must eat like a sparrow? Actually I eat like a horse.
But equally I can miss a meal or turn down something tempting. Food to me is a real pleasure sometimes but other times it's more like an inconvenience that I have to stop and refuel.
DH is the same as you NigellaTufnel not even the kids can go near his plate when he has red mist. Methinks he needs to get blood sugar tested but again I digress..
Part of me just wants to understand why she does it and why me? When she took the gravy she took it ALL and didn't leave me any which I think is just bizaare. I think I am often just too perplexed to say anything useful at the time it's happening.
None of the others do it so not something she has grown up with. I suspect she has some kind of unhealthy issue with food. She is quite obssessive about how much her LOs eat too. Her youngest is only not eating when he is asleep otherwise he constantly has something in his hand and quite miserable going without (as in the park when you run out of snacks and have to wait until you get home to be able offer more). He is a very large baby. She is neither overweight nor skinny. Sorry I'm rambling as I thought about it alot last night. Just kept going round and round in my head!

OP posts:
boundarybabe · 06/10/2009 10:03

Weird. Perhaps she's trying to assert 'alpha' femaleness in the style of wild animals. Or is stealing from your plate a sign of submission?

It's very odd though. Not quite sure what to make of it really.

boundarybabe · 06/10/2009 10:04

Weird. Perhaps she's trying to assert 'alpha' femaleness in the style of wild animals. Or is stealing from your plate a sign of submission? Maybe you should start going through her hair for fleas next time she does it.

It's very odd though. Not quite sure what to make of it really.

DuelingFANGo · 06/10/2009 10:04

does it particularly bother you because you just really dislike her in the first place?

boundarybabe · 06/10/2009 10:06

Oops, sorry not sure what happened there

ElecTrickorTreatElephant · 06/10/2009 10:06

argh, this would drive me mad... I do NOT cope well with people taking my food.

Hmmm

ZacharyQuack · 06/10/2009 10:24

Do you ever say anything to her about it? When she reached for the gravy jug, did you say "hang on, I've not used it yet" or given her any indication that it's not OK with you?

I think you're just going to have to be blunt. Tell her to cut it out, she can have your leftovers when you're finished.

EightiesChick · 06/10/2009 10:24

My mother does this, though she does wait till asked with mains - but with pudding she will almost always say she 'can't manage one' but then nicks some of yours. Basically, it means she can keep up her own self-image of someone who doesn't eat too much, as obviously off someone else's plate doesn't count.

I don't dislike her, but it is a trait of hers that I find frustrating.

Does she comment on it as she's doing it, ie 'Ooh, I'll just have a chip', or does she just take them? Depending on her approach I would:

No comment, just taking - don't sit near her. Say you want to face the window, whatever. Get your DH to collude with you on this so that, say, you are at the end of the table and he's between you and her.

If she comments, or if you absolutely can't avoid sitting next to her - say 'No, I'm starving, you've got your own! Why don't you pinch his? (her DH)' And move the plate out of her reach if needsbe.

If she asks for something as per the gravy - say 'No, I'm starving, but I'll grab a waiter and order you a fresh one'. If she says not to, then still don't let her have any of yours.

I like the suggestion about mentioning it when you order pudding, too, to give her fair warning that she ought to order her own.

I'm suggesting the seat thing as first option because it negates the need for any other action, but if this is annoying you so much, you really have to say something. Don't make it about her; stick to the line that you are starving so you want all yours but she can order another one. DO NOT start discussing her food habits. She'll only get defensive. Just make it about you and what you want to happen. She has to deal with her own issues.

branflake81 · 06/10/2009 10:40

This reminds me of when I went out for a meal with some colleagues as the big head of department was leaving.

I was stony broke, so only ordered bread for a starter. I tried to make it last all meal and kept it at the side of my plate when my main came.

Half way thruogh the meal, the big head of department leaned over, grabbed my fucking bread put it on his own plate and said, "mind if I have this?"

Well - yes actually!! .

But what can you say?

How rude.

blueshoes · 06/10/2009 10:41

freename, your sister definitely sounds like she has issues with food which are somehow mixed up with you.

Is she constantly dieting and watching her weight? I cannot imagine why someone would not order pudding but wants to sample yours unless they have got used to denying themselves pleasure in food but decided to steal a little from someone they thought they could get away with it.

Yes, just tell her to stop. In no uncertain terms. She needs to understand that for a start.

Rubyrubyruby · 06/10/2009 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wukter · 06/10/2009 10:47

Yes, EightiesChick has a good suggestion, as you sit down keep mentioning how unbelievably hungry you are, starving, was so looking forward to coming to eat tonight as you just love their choc puddings. That way the scene is set later for you to forkstab her suggest she order herself one.
Could you nab a passing waiter at an appropriate moment and ask for a half portion of whatever? What with you being so hungry and she too elegantly birdlike for a full one. Whether they will facilitate that is beside the point as it may get the message across.
Another thought - when paying do you split the bill? If everyone pays for their own she and her husband might just be mean!

DandyLioness · 06/10/2009 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MaMight · 06/10/2009 10:54

It sounds like she's trying to be bezzies with you. Does she want to share a cubical in the lavatory too?

freename · 06/10/2009 10:58

Dueling I don't particularly dislike her, no. She does require a lot of patience which I think I am less and less equipped with as I get older. Although we are the same age!

Avoiding confrontation in the past has been about not hurting her feelings I guess. Worried it would come out wrong and she would take it to heart. She is quite a character (pandora's box as I mentioned earlier) but I am not interested in adding to her 'issues' or making this particular issue worse for her.

Just this particular thing is so bizaare I would like it not to happen anymore as I find it more irritating than other things she might do. More about what strategy can I employ to enjoy a meal without this thing dominating it and therefore ruining it.

OP posts:
TrinityHasAVampireRhino · 06/10/2009 11:01

this would annoy the hell out of me

the only people I will share food from my plate with is (was...AARRGGH)dh and my kids

other people would get a fork in their hand

it does seem like she wants to be best mates with you or soemthing

or maybe she is jys incredibly rude

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/10/2009 11:06

I think it's a food issue as well - she has 'issues' like needing gluten free gravy, allowing her to make a fuss and show how 'delicate' she is (although she obviously isn't gluten intolerant if she can eat your gravy) but then still gets to eat the gravy without feeling like she ate it, IYSWIM? It's the same with the pudding, she's 'too full' to want a pudding, by extension everyone that does want one is a big greedy guts whereas she is very saintly, this is not only how she wants people to see her but also how she has learnt too see herself.
As to why she only does it to you, that's weird. You would think that if her DH hated her doing it to him he might step in when she does it to you, at least privately? I guess he and you might be the only ones she feels comfortable enough with in the circle? Anyway, you must say in no uncertain terms that you don't like it. Don't hint or make jokes. Next time she tries it, before she gets her mitts on your food, just say 'would you mind not doing that? I'm hungry and would prefer to eat all my food', then smile and carry on, she'll probably be too surprised to react, but if she tries it again, just repeat 'would you mind not doing that?' until she gets the message. There is nothing wrong with being a bit blunt with someone who is being actively rude to you.

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/10/2009 11:08

cheeky bitch

next time she does it, wallop her hand with knife/dig fork in her hand

and say this is mine, shall i order you the same?

or when ordering ask if she wants the same, as she isnt having any of yours

StealthPolarBear · 06/10/2009 11:08

I think she's started seeing it as the thing that you and she share. She probably thinks you find it cute.
My aunt is famous for never ordering a dessert but sharing someone else's, usually my dad's, but that is a joke. She also doesn't limit herself to my dad, but goes for whoever has the nicest looking ice cream

BalloonSlayer · 06/10/2009 11:16

Is she dieting, thinks she should be dieting, suffering from an eating disorder like anorexia?

If one of the first two, she may feel self-conscious about ordering things for herself, that she "ought not to." And maybe thinks that as you are small she can just share a bit of yours.

I met someone once who was anorexic, and she did a big thing of drawing everyone's attention to everything she did eat. "Oooh, sorry, hope you don't mind, I pinched one of the strawberries off your cake, I couldn't resist it." I guessed it was to try to make people think she was eating a lot when actually that was all she did eat .

Your SIL's behaviour is definitely doing one thing - drawing your attention to what she eats. Just a matter of working out why she wants your attention in this matter ...