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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

As we've started talking about Christmas, how do we feel about being asked to give money?

41 replies

mmrred · 04/10/2009 17:11

Right, my DB and his wife have considerably more money than me and my DH. They have one DC. My parents spend Xmas Day with them and I usually send Xmas presents down with them. This year, DB has said that we should all (parents included) just give him money so he can buy something that SIL would like.

Now, I wouldn't mind if it was for a specific something she really wanted, but the implication seems to be that our previous presents haven't been much good, (am I being over-sensitive?)and how much do you hand over? I'm a bit of a bargain-hunter so do tend to pay less than the ordinary price by taking advantage of sales/codes etc...but don't want anyone to be offended.

Plus it's not very Xmassy, is it? I'm sort of thinking I may well say we'll have an 'adult amnesty' like in my DH's (very large) family, and just buy for the kids...

OP posts:

leftangle · 04/10/2009 17:14

I wouldn't like it at all. Your amnesty idea is much better and don't see why they should object to that.

MorrisZapp · 04/10/2009 17:16

Sorry, is this money for your DB or your SIL?

In my family we often ask for money or tokens, to me these are valid gifts but some people think it is rude to ask for or to give money or tokens.

Nowt wrong with buying for kids only - this again depends on your family and what they think is appropriate.

jasper · 04/10/2009 17:16

I think it is shocking!
I am sure some may think it is practical though.

I am unusual in thinking Christmas would be a lot less stressful if everyone just bought presents for their own children and noone else!

HerHonesty · 04/10/2009 17:16

adult presents officially ditched in my family now. its all about the kids.... aahhh. actually very relieved, saves a load of bother.

SardineQueen · 04/10/2009 17:19

no that's not right.

vouchers one thing but cash? no you can't ask for xmas. what happens about opening the gifts under the tree... "oooh another brown envelope... what could it be? oooh £20"

all wrong.

Original poster

mmrred · 04/10/2009 17:24

The money is so that DB can buy a present for SIL on our behalf, instead of us buying presents ourselves for SIL.

Don't mind tokens, DH often gets tokens because he's really hard to buy for.

The more I think about it, the more I'm thinking I'll just buy for their DD. It's a shame,'cos although I am a bargain-hunter I do try to find things that are useful/thoughtful/appropriate for the person so feel a bit hurt that these things are not valued at least as gestures...but then they enjoy spending A LOT of money on each other, so I guess that's what they like.

Ah well, less stress all round just to buy for their DD as I've already got hers!

OP posts:

TitsalinaBumsquash · 04/10/2009 17:26

Hmm well i give a few people vouchers for HMV purley because i just don't know what to get them, i wouldn't be offended to be asked for money i would five whatever i could afford (usually 10 - 20 pound) and that would be it.

tinkerbellesmuse · 04/10/2009 17:29

Adult amnesty makes sense just in terms of sanity, if not financial reasons.

SardineQueen · 04/10/2009 17:30

Oh I see... that's a bit different, people grouping together to buy a "big present" seems fair enough.

So it comes down to the relationships and how you were asked.

If for eg DHs parents told us that DSIL wanted something big and suggested that we all chip in to get it that would be OK by me.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/10/2009 17:32

No way. That is absolutely not the point of Xmas presents. The point is to put some thought in to what a person would like, wrap it up in special paper and have the fun of opening presents under the tree. If SIL doesn't appreciate that (and I think your assumption about her not liking previous gifts is probably right) then she gets nothing. I don't buy Xmas presents to allow people to get things that they want but don't want to buy for themselves, that's what parents do for their children, but I buy gifts to show someone I care about them and becaus i love wrapping gifts and the whole Xmas thing. Sending cash is not the p[oint, especially if they are wealthy!
Also I'm like you, I bargain hunt and wouldn't spend more than a fiver on a SIL usually, likewise mates, and I could get something nice for a fiver, whereas I'd be embarrassed handing over a fiver in a card, so feel obliged to put more in!

Squishabelle · 04/10/2009 17:32

I think this is a terrible thing to ask. How dare he ask for cash from everyone to buy something for his wife (albeit supposedly from others). This really is not the spirit of Christmas.

RatherBeOnThePiste · 04/10/2009 17:33

It is beyond rude to ask you for cash so he can get something she really likes. V bad manners, it also makes the assumption that you want to get her something at Christmas. I wonder if this is SIL's idea anyway it is wrong.

We just bye for littlins now, otherwise it is all out of control.

lilolilmanchester · 04/10/2009 17:33

My DB and I have 2 DCs each. We don't live nearby. So, for birthdays and Xmas, we have decided that they buy for their DCs from us and we buy for our DCs from them. Cuts out postage and worrying how much each has spent. But we do buy presents and wrap them up as if from each other so not quite swapping money. Works well for us,

teamcullen · 04/10/2009 17:36

My SIL has asked for money for her DCs for years which we didnt mind once they started getting older. We give them £20 each, which is how much we would spend on a present.

She never asks what my DCs would like or what kind of things they like. They normally end up with something that she has picked up in the end of summer sale.

I know this sounds really ungreatful, but you know she paid much less than £20 but doesnt bother to make up the value.

We are all in the same position financially, infact her DDs get much more for christmas than ours do but she cries poverty. It pisses me off that her kids always end up with what they want but mine end up with something that sits in a corner because they dont like it or they cant use it until the fecking summer

notagrannyyet · 04/10/2009 17:36

If it's for an adult no. Part of the fun is buying something not to expensive and fun IMO.

Have sometimes given cash for teenagers but that's a bit different. They probably haven't got much money and can add any spare cash to buy something they really need.

DoingTheBestICan · 04/10/2009 17:40

I dont buy for adults now we all have children,i do have 1 friend who doesnt have lo's so i do get her a gift.

I would just say you have decided to spend a bit more on the lo's this yr as Christmas is for children aint it?

teamcullen · 04/10/2009 17:42

Why dont you tell your brother that you have already started buying presents and you will maybe do it next year.

When next year come around suggest that you are only buying for your DN

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/10/2009 17:46

Teamcullen - if I were you I would ask the same from her then! Ask for cash or vouchers for your DC and she will have to give the same that you do or be embarrassed

lucky1979 · 04/10/2009 17:46

Definitely not - I'd be really offended if someone suggested this to me, unless there was something very specific it was for which there was no way of affording any other way.

Adult present amnesty sounds the way to go, if they don't appreciate what you get them normally anyway.

teamcullen · 04/10/2009 17:54

Kat she doesnt do embarrased. Last year She gave DS1 and 2, two presents between them. One cost £11 which I had already bought for one of them and the other was a water toy for the garden in a box that bashed it looked like it came from the car boot.

While DH and his bro had clubed together and spent £50 on her GC.

Monty100 · 04/10/2009 18:32

We have an adult amnesty in my family thank goodness. It might be time for that conversation. My sister instigated it in our famly as she lives in the country and was fed up trying to find stuff that would please us townies .

Why don't you give it a go?

Undercovamutha · 04/10/2009 18:39

That would really piss me off. I would probably take it to heart, and think it was some reflection on previous presents that I had bought - but that might be just me being paranoid! I probably wouldn't ask my OWN family for just cash, never mind my in-laws.
YANBU - I would go with the adult-amnesty to ensure no repeat of this cheekiness!

lovechoc · 04/10/2009 18:43

I think YANBU, infact I think (IMHO) that having an adult amnesty as mentioned by another poster, is actually a very sensible approach. It's not just the financial issues, it is just the pure hassle of having to add more presents to a shopping list at a very stressful time of year (whether online shopping or physically going out to the shops yourself).

Think I may need to start another thread myself closely relating to this topic....

Monty100 · 04/10/2009 18:54

Mmred I forgot to say YNANBU. And as with lovechoc I'd be seriously insulted and wouldn't want to either buy her any more presents OR give her money. Cheek.

funkybuddah · 04/10/2009 18:55

I would say that you have decided to get all adults something from the oxfam website as people already have too much stuff :D

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