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AIBU?

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Original poster

why the fuck is she messaging me still???

96 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 02/10/2009 23:41

my exes g'f has been messaging me on FB asking when ds1's wanker sperm donor father is going to be able to see him. as she has to make sure her kids are prepared for the journey.

1- what the heck has it got to do with her?
2- DS1 has seen his father ONCE in 4 years
3- EX has never been interested until he picked up with this woman and her 4 kids
4- she is getting on my tits big time now!
5- she has requested ds1's friendship on FB 12 times now and I keep declining it
6- why can't she leave us the feck alone???

sorry am peed off!!!!!

OP posts:
TAFKAtheUrbanDryad · 02/10/2009 23:41

Block her.

LauraIngallsWilder · 02/10/2009 23:44

She sounds a bit like my ex sil
Very annoying

Sympathies

RealityBites · 02/10/2009 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

halfcut · 02/10/2009 23:46

just block her

RealityBites · 02/10/2009 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Hando · 02/10/2009 23:53

OP didn't you post the same problem a few weeks ago?

BiteOfFun · 02/10/2009 23:54

Block block block

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 02/10/2009 23:55

The messages she sent before were that she had to come along with ex as he needed support??????

That she felt the way fwd was for me to send my son to her house to stay

That if they did have to come here then it would be for an entire day not an hour or so and that ds1 needed to make sure he had the funds to finance the day....ffs he is 11 yrs old

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 02/10/2009 23:56

Hando, Yes and I told her not to message me again as I would not talk to her about my son. Because basically it has nothing to do with her, and if his father wants to see him then he needs to contact me.

OP posts:
Hando · 03/10/2009 00:07

She sounds like a loon.

There is no way I would be arranging for my son to go and stay with his father who he hadn;t seen for 4 years through a woman I didn't know. Who gives a shit about her kids? They have nothing to do with your ds meeting his father!

I would also insist that your ds'd father came to your area for a short first visit, trip to the park, zoo etc on his own. How totally overwhelming for your 11 yr old to meet his father for the forst time in 4 years with her and he 4 (unable to travel) children in HER house.

LOONY WOMAN!

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 03/10/2009 00:13

Hando thats the point why does she and her kids need to travel?

Ok I know when DP was seeing DSS2 i would go with him but thats cos dss wanted me there

OP posts:
oldraver · 03/10/2009 00:59

Send her one final message saying that all contact should come from your EX and that you willl not discuss anything with her. THEN DELETE HER FROM F/B

Please done waste any of you energy or time worrying about her kids. I know in some step/families there is an amicable relationship and one parent can happily deal with the step/parent (the wx's new g/f in this case) but she is going the wrong way about it harranguing you before the realtionship is established between you DS and his father. You also need to tell your ex you will only deal with him

TheCroneEvenstar · 03/10/2009 01:13

Oldraver, and all of you thanks for your advice. She is not and never has been on my friends list.

I probably am going to sound harsh but i don't give 2 hoots about her kids they are not my concern.
There is no way on this planet that I am going to let ds1 go and stay there when there has been no contact except one visit in 4 yrs and that was when ds1 asked his father for his permission for his Dad (my DP) to adopt him.

Tortington · 03/10/2009 01:22

state that if any contact is to happen that your ex will have to initiate the proper legal proceedings. then block

i am so sorry you are dealing with this

TheCroneEvenstar · 03/10/2009 01:25

Cutlass, (and everyone else) Thanks. I am not going to reply to her yet am going to go and get some sleep and then reply tomorrow of course before i send it i will be posting it on here for your approval!!!

Thanks again and night all

TrillianAstra · 03/10/2009 03:03

Reality is right, your wanker ex has probably claimed that he would be a doting father if you gave him the chance. If he is so bothered then he should initiate contact (via phone perhaps, or in person) not via Facebook.

I assume you're aware that the age limit for having a Facebook account is 13?

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad · 03/10/2009 08:19

I thought it was 18, actually, TA. I could be wrong, of course.

tribpot · 03/10/2009 08:23

No, it's thirteen see "What is the minimum age required to sign up for Facebook?

In order to be eligible to sign up for Facebook, users must be thirteen (13) years of age or older."

BumptiousandBustly · 03/10/2009 08:28

I am once again just horrified that your ex is allowing her to behave like this about his son.

The message it sends to your DS about how his father feels about him is dreadful.

I would agree with others, block her on facebook for you and you son (or she will start messaging DS to tell him to have enough money) and contact your ex as if nothing has come from her saying: Just him, short visit, he pays for everything etc.

How horrible for you and your son!

TheCroneEvenstar · 03/10/2009 09:56

Hi All, he initially got the FB account about a year ago I think solely for the purpose of trying to contact his father. At the time he had decided he wanted to see him, as although he will never think of him as a dad he wanted to see where he came from (these were his words) but after a few months of minimal contact on there with his father, his father deleted him off his friends. DS1 then sent him numerous texts all to be ignored and the final straw came when I eventually got him to reply to a text and I told him that ds1 was hurt by his ignorance towards him especially when the boy was texting and emailing him so much. DS1 said he wanted to see him, this was earlier this year around april i think. Anyway the visit went ahead he turned up 45 minutes late, now bear in mind there has been no visits for 4 yrs, with his g'f and her son in tow.

What I didn't know is that DS1 had wanted to see him to tell him he wanted his Dad (dp) to adopt him. Since then his father has text him and now silly loony bint has messaged me on FB.

Sorry that was probably rambled, I had a real bad nights sleep

groundhogs · 03/10/2009 10:18

Dear OP, no you were not being harsh at all, and I'm not going to call you a Crone, when you are in fact a Lady! LOL

My DH has a DS from previous relationship, and as much as I know that he'd love to have contact, his exGF is being evasive, elusive and non-responsive... I'm not about to get involved, ever. It's just not my place.

DH thinks it's odd, cos we all hear stories of the father not wanting to have anything to do with the DC, but this is the other way around.

He doesn't want to take her to court, cos he knows that scares her too much, and now has come to the realisation that while he just keeps trying to contact, she'll keep ignoring him.

One day the boy may want to find him, and then he'll be able to have contact. ExGf has always said, when he's 18 he can decide....

I could see by the posting times you had a bad night, all down to her eh? My heart goes out to you and your DS

PLEASE just shut down the FB account, and block her/bar her and report her if she emails you again.

Could you get a solicitors letter drawn up to him? insisting on all contact to go through him and him only? If you have evidence of all the attempts to contact, wondering if it could support a type of injunction??? Cos it does seem wierd.

I wonder what her angle is in all this, after the kerfuffle she made about the last contact, with her kids suffering in the car etc etc, what IS it to her?... cos if your ex wanted to resume contact, he has all the methods open to him, but isn't... Why is she so bothered??? It's really strange... I just don't get it.

Jeez, somethings appear to be so simple, but can be so complicated..

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 03/10/2009 10:49

Groundhogs, I was so wound up that even when i did go to bed i couldn't sleep. Eventually got to sleep about 4 and thankfully ds2 got in bed with me and so he slept longer in fact he has just got up lol.

I know DP would love to see his sons but they are now 25 and almost 16 and they have made their decision on not seeing him I didn't get involved with that side of it either.

I am unsure of her angle either, he never bothered with ds1 from when we split up when he was 22m old until now unless i initiated the visits iyswim? taking him to see him, collecting him etc. And he is not interested now, he told ds1 on his 7th birthday "for me to get on with my life i can't see you anymore, its not you its me" I remember it word for word because I commented to him that that was the kind of thing you say to a g'f when splitting up.

He has apparently wanted contact since he moved in with her and her kids...but in my eyes when a dc of 10 (as he was at the time) says "I want my dad to adopt me you have never been my dad even if you are my father" it speaks volumes.

He has sadly wasted too much time in sodding my ds1 around. And in ds1's eyes his parents are myself and dp....who has done everything for him in the last 4 yrs...

OP posts:
groundhogs · 03/10/2009 11:09

Well, thank GOD for your DP, at least your DS has a good father figure that he loves and who loves him.

I'm the same when things wind me up, I just can't sleep... usually something thoughtless my own dad has said..

I'd kind of understand things better if your ex's GF was trying to work WITH you to try to get your DS dad to see where he's going wrong, perhaps that IS kinda what she's doing.. but she's going about entirely wrong way, by forcing contact, and thru your DS...

I can't see that there is anything in it at all for her, so perhaps it is some completely stuffed up attempt for that ex of yours to wake up and do the right thing... [scratches head emoticon]

But it HAS to come from HIM... which by the look of it, he doesn't want, any more than your DS wants...

I'm outraged for you at the 'breakup' talk.. what a prize wanker idiot. Hardly need to say that you are both so much better off without him in your lives. Just wish the GF would come to the same conclusion.

groundhogs · 03/10/2009 11:18

hmm, maybe worth messaging her directly and ask, truthfully what IS it that she is trying to do. ExP doesn't want to see his son. his son doesn't want to see him, unless it's to get permission to allow your DP to adopt him.

State that the relationship appears to be irrevocably broken. Neither side wanting to be in contact. Tell her about the breakup conversation...

I think she may have been fed a crock of shit lies and fell for it, and IS trying to do the right thing.

As sad as I feel for DH about his son, I'm not about to stir things up, cos it WILL potentially affect our own family dynamic.. (is that extremely selfish of me??)

But if both sides suddenly agreed to meet, then I wouldn't do anythiing to stop it, goes without saying.. that, also, is not my place... I'd be nervous, ary perhaps, but it'd be my issue to deal with, not to be made a problem for anyone else.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/10/2009 13:44

Excellent advice from groundhogs, TheLadyEvenstar - ask her what she is trying to achieve, and give her the other side of the story (it does seem very likely that your ex has told her all manner or fairy stories). Then you will be able to make sense of her very confusing behaviour, and she will know what's what. You can then stop thinking about her and she will possibly step back.

Her behaviour would make more sense if your ex is bleating at her about how you stop him seeing his son etc. Even if she is mad, madmen behave according to their own logic. There must be some form of logic behind her behaviour, and it is very possibly misinformation coming from your ex. In her shoes, if I knew of his treatment of his own DS, I'd be thinking 'if he'd do that to his own son, what will he do to mine?', and ditch him. If he senses that, he's not going to let her know about it and spin her a line instead. Pure conjecture, but there has to be something behind her behaviour.