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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect a parent to do something when a DS threatens to kill and punches my DS

39 replies

SingleMum01 · 01/10/2009 09:36

Can I have another parents perspective please. Boys (6) playing in the playground. A DS punches my DS and told the other boys to kill my DS. My DS in tears. What would you do?

OP posts:

kittywise · 01/10/2009 09:37

I would talk to the other parents and talk to the teachers

starwhores · 01/10/2009 09:38

If I was there I would probably wade in and sort them all out, in a lecturing type way. If I heard from my child and this was at school I would have called the Head. If the other child's parents were there and said nothing then I would have either directly to the child/parent or very loudly to my child.

GypsyMoth · 01/10/2009 09:39

my ds is 6. its just a case of speaking to the teacher. wouldn't expect anything more than a quiet word!

Bucharest · 01/10/2009 09:41

Speak to the teacher if it's a school playground.

FabBakerGirlIsSURVIVED · 01/10/2009 09:42

Definitely speak to the teacher and name names. I wouldn't speak to the parents.

PatternedCurtain · 01/10/2009 09:44

Agree.. teacher
Not parents (that nearly always ends in disaster)

Miggsie · 01/10/2009 09:46

Parents are always tricky...there's always one mum who insists her little darling would "never do such a thing".

Mention it to the teacher, they may already have had other parents say something. This was the case when DD was picked on, the girl in question had picked on other kids too. The mum was called in eventually about it.

ADealingMummy · 01/10/2009 09:48

definitely not the parents , speak to the teacher ,and see how that goes.
Hope DS is ok

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 01/10/2009 09:59

Thanks. Its an ongoing saga and very awkward. The other DS and my DS went to nursery together so I know the parents - who themselves say their DS is bad and seem to have little control over him so I don't think even if I spoke to them it would make any difference.

Initially it started with 'so and so isn't your friend he's mine' from the other DS, which upset my DS but I told him to take no notice. Then at the end of last school year he started smacking my DS on the face - and after the 3rd incident I went into the school who were supportive and spoke to the DS. This seemed to stop the phsyical situation.

After the punching today, as my DS was in tears I spoke to his teacher this morning. I'll see what she says when I pick him up later.

I don't want to be over the top but I think its reasonable not to expect my DS to be hurt when he's at school.

OP posts:

Sagacious · 01/10/2009 10:54

Not over the top at all

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 01/10/2009 11:08

What advice should I give my DS? I tell him to stay away from this boy if he's not being nice to him and to tell a teacher if he hurts him. But the other boy does tend to follow my boy and his friends. I don't know what else to do?

OP posts:

FabBakerGirlIsSURVIVED · 01/10/2009 11:15

We are having the same with our son

3littlefrogs · 01/10/2009 11:20

Document every single incident, ask to see antibullying policy. Put in writing to the head that you want a written response as to how they will deal with it, and a follow up meeting.

Mention the following:

Duty of care
Child protection
Every child matters

etc, etc.

This absolutely HAS to be nipped in the bud, because this kind of situation escalates very quickly and schools are generally hopeless at dealing with it. IME. Verbal discussions generally get you nowhere. IME.

3littlefrogs · 01/10/2009 11:23

There are SOOO many threads on here about the most awful bullying, and how bad teachers and schools are at dealing with it. The advice from those of us who have been through it is very similar on all the threads.

We need to start a MN campaign of zero tolerance, and put together a strategy of action for every parent whose child is being bullied, so that it never gets the chance to escalate.

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 01/10/2009 11:46

Thanks for the support. Its so hard when the parent hears it and looks the other way. I teach my DS that hitting is wrong, but half of me think if you're being hit - hit back. What does IME mean?

OP posts:

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 01/10/2009 11:56

It worries me that the other boy tried to get the other boys to 'kill' my DS. I was keeping an eye out so I know it was not just play fighting.

OP posts:

swanriver · 01/10/2009 12:19

The bit you say about the boy wanting to follow your son and his friends, implies that the little boy is trying to force them to play with him, rather than being part of a bullying gang, and feels angry and upset that they (not suprisingly) avoid him.
I've had situations where my dss have behaved violently to their friends when they felt excluded.
I've also had a dd last term who says that an ex-friend of hers (6) keeps hitting her, and she doesn't like her/doesn't want to play with her, when it is clear to me that the hitter is desperate to be shown attention by my dd.

So it is not as clearcut as just saying zero-tolerance. Zero-tolerance to hitting YES, but try and think why the kids are behaving like this in first place. They are six year olds not gang members.

swanriver · 01/10/2009 12:21

Totally agree on not discussing with parents unless they bring it up perhaps, then in a very neutral way.
When kids of that age say "kill" they do not mean it literally.

FabBakerGirlIsSURVIVED · 01/10/2009 12:23

In My Experience.

swanriver · 01/10/2009 12:28

It's awful as well that the parents of that child think he is BAD - how must that child feel? It obviously hasn't done any good to be told he's bad for last few years, so that strategy isn't going to work well on this particular child.
But meanwhile your child is taking brunt of this child's problems, so the school needs to DEAL WITH IT, and work with that child's problems, certainly not you.

Simplistica · 01/10/2009 12:29

Good post swanriver

Never go to the parents direct; I once had someone rant at me solong and nastily that I ended up too sared to go school alone for a while- for not taking action over something school hadn't told me was happening. As if I am psychic .

A few things jump oyut

if they said their child was bad then there are probably aprenting issues school might need telling about

2)If however they said their child was very difficult etc there may be other issues- pooraprenting, emotional disturbance, SN etc- again school should consider

Agree with zero tolerance. DS2 is bullied; ds1 is bully and has been subjected to some very severe assaults. He has asd so it's not clean cut, but I do think I'd have a better chance changing things if school wuld show absolute firm action (exclusion rather than expulsion).

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 01/10/2009 12:37

I think you may be right swanriver this boy is to some degree jealous of my boy as he has to be first in everything and we all know life isn't like that!

As far as I'm aware there are no SN issues and I've witnessed him punching his mother, there seems to be very little control. As far as I'm aware there is no problem at home, he's not from a broken home.

OP posts:

Simplistica · 01/10/2009 12:42

Aggressiona nd anting to be first in everything are actually flagging up SN concerns realted to my DS1

Of course I have never met the child and have no idea whatsoever, but both an be linked and due to social skills deficiencies.

OTOH his aprents may just need to say No a bit more often, only a professional could decide that tbh, but if a child is hitting their parents (ds1 does) then thy need prioper input from someone such as Ed psych

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 01/10/2009 12:45

I don't think no is said much at all, he seems to get everything he wants, then when he's said no to - he kicks off, toddler tantrum styley. Interesting comments about SN and agression - he's top stream for maths/engligh - does that make any difference?

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Simplistica · 01/10/2009 12:54

None at all LOL- there's a child in ds3's (I have 2 with SN) unit (so pretty severe) who is 98th centile in all areas academically!

Thing is, I an't say he is and I don't want people to think I am writing off bullying becuase I promise you I am not, and I know not all bullies are SN. But when it carries on beyond the school, and there are other issues (the thing about wanting to play as well was ringiing alarm bells) it warrants being looked at as part of a whole picture. Aspergers, ODD, ADHD, plus a whole host of psychological disorders can be involved. It's only fair to assessbefore taking absolute action.

Assuming that in the meantime your child is kept safe- that's an absolute for certain.

I'dspeak to the teacher, say you know she can't answer or sahre any info with you, but that given his wider behaviours it would be worth the boy being seen by and Ed Psych. Or speak to Mum- if she's anything like me she will feel everyone is hating her and be really low about everything, and some support / non judgemental suggestions might be significant. He might even be in the system- who knows?

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