To be VERY annoyed

[NotVeryAmused]

Have name-changed in case SIL finds me.

Basically, last night SIL sent out an email about xmas. Most of my family don't celebrate it, not particularly bothered by it, and personally, I would be much happier in my own home over the holidays, eating cookie dough and watching DVDs under a great big duvet in my PJs, or something along those lines. Maybe sleep in a bit ... have a nice rest.
Anyway. This is not to be. Every year I am told that I have to go to their house for xmas day, boxing day and so on. Considering that my family in general never spends more than about 2 or 3 hours throughout the rest of the year in the same room (even that descends into arguing), 2 full days and nights of enforced family time, all in one house, is a bit, erm, draining. My parents wouldn't (given a choice) celebrate xmas either, but DM has said that she doesn't want to upset SIL. Now, back to the email. We have been "invited" to go over this year again (what joy), and "due to the current economic climate, I would like you each to contribute £x to the cost of the meal". So, this year, not only are we bullied into going to their house to celebrate a holiday few of us actually want to celebrate, we now have to pay for the privilege. I'm looking into flights so I can honestly say "can't attend, out of the country".

So, AIBU to be annoyed by this?

It's pointless being annoyed. Just say no thanks.

Can you not just say that you are spending xmas at home this year? Why do you need to make excuses?

How old are you? Old enough to say no, presumably!

say thanks but no thanks, yanbu

Just don't go.

yeah, just say no. Do you have kids and a partner or DH? Why not just have Christmas with them? Who is DM by the way? Your mum? So this SIL is your Brother's wife?

Some clarification - SIL is my DB's wife. DM is my mother.

I am single. I said "no" last year, and got a series of abusive text messages telling me I was being ridiculous, ruining it for everyone, how dare I, my poor niece and nephew will be scarred for life and so on.

Tell her to fuck off and get a life.

Even more reason not to spend time with these people, tbh.

Just say "no thanks, I have plans" and ignore any abuse responses from them.

You are an adult ffs. Stnad up for yourself.

Just say no, presumably you are of an age to vote, endure sexual intercourse and legally buy alcohol. QED, you are able to say no.

Don't go. You're making a rod for your own back. It's time to stand up for yourself.

And they might rant a bit at first, but it won't last. If you don't make the break, you'll be whingeing about this annually FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

I will try. (I am late 20s BTW, so definitely legally allowed to shag, drink, smoke and vote. Not necessarily at the same time).

My parents and I are planning a trip away together, a trip they've wanted to do their whole lives, and I suggested going over the xmas break and Mom said "no, can't go then. It will upset SIL too much". We live in fear of this woman; it's ridiculous.

erm, im with the "say no" brigade. cant understand why you dont tell her to feck off.

Oh yes, agree Fajitas. I've already been whinging about this from c. Aug to Jan ever year for 5 years.

The other main problem is my DM (DF generally just stands around and nods at whatever people say). She also gets annoyed by this dictatorship, and last year even said "that's it. I'm booking into a spa for the last 2 weeks of December", but when push comes to shove, refuses to stand up to her. Sheesh, what kind of a matriarch is this woman?

Ah - As you're single I can see how it would be annoying to have everyone else just fall into line and go to your brother's house. What would you prefer them to do though? Would you spend Christmas with your mum normally or could you just do the under Duvet in your PJs thing on your own at yours anyway? If you stay at home perhaps your Brother and mum would pop in with your presents for a mince pie.

Look. With the best will in the world, you need to strap on a pair, my darling. (geninue one cos I am not being bitchy but am actually trying to help!

your choices are go - with all that you have to suffer!
or refuse - with all that you have to suffer.

Sometimes all you have are shitty option 1 v shitty option 2. Life would be great if all we ever had to do was choose between fantastic thing that I love and everyone will be happy with v horrible thing that will hurt me and upset people.

Life's not like that.

It's down to you. choose. And deal with the fallout.

If her attitude to you saying no is too much for you, then go, grin and bear it.

Or stand up to her and deal with the drama.

Your choice.

good luck with what you decide, because it's not an easy situation.

I live away from them in London, so they would not be able to pop in so to speak. I used to live in a different country and got out of this for years. It's enough to make me want to emigrate.

I really, really wouldn't want to spend christmas with someone who didn't want to be there. Just decline politely.

You say that you don't make an effort to see your brothers family the rest of the year. It might be nice if you arranged to see them outside of the christmas rush. You can't complain on the one hand that you hardly know them and on the other that you don't want to see them.

Thanks MN for your support. I will go away and ponder option 1 vs. option 2.

Hecate's right (as always )

Listen to yourself: we keep telling you to say no and you keep making excuses as to why you can't.

Either say no or stop whingeing

YANBU. I'd be fuming though it wouldn't happen to me as by the time I'd torn her to pieces the previous year for her imperious attitude and selfish, rude behaviour she wouldn't dare speak to me again. If you don't want to go, say no. Don't even bother with the word thanks, she doesn't deserve it and probably doesn't know what it means anyway. Whats more tell her that its your life and you don't expect to get any sh*t for your decision, as you did last year, so she might as well accept it, get over it and put teddy back in the pram straight away.

Otherwise just ask her why the hell you would want to spend even a moment of any day with an ignorant, ill-mannered control freak who sends abusive texts when she can't get her own way.

Is your SIL local to you? Could you decline the invite on Xmas day, but suggest you pop in on Boxing day with DNs presents? Tell her not to go to any trouble, a cup of tea would be lovely (and shouldn't mean she feels the need to charge).

I'm sure DNs would be more than happy to have the present giving extended by a day.

Er, invite them to shove it.

I wonder if in your SIL's family Christmas is a big deal and for some reason she's not able to celebrate it with them?

Maybe, in her family, turning down a Christmas invitation would really be like saying "I don't love you", really that big a deal and she's projecting this onto your family (who obviously have a different history with Christmas - it's not important to you).

Being with my family at Christmas is important to me - not so for dh who doesn't even see his from one year to the next. Intellectually I completely understand dh's thing with his family. Emotionally it still makes my teeth itch slightly. The customs and emotional links to things that you're brought up with are really strong.

None of this means that you need to go by the way and falsely recreate your SIL's christmases past. Just say you're going away with friends and don't answer your phone until New Year.