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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be VERY annoyed

99 replies

NotVeryAmused · 25/09/2009 09:56

Have name-changed in case SIL finds me.

Basically, last night SIL sent out an email about xmas. Most of my family don't celebrate it, not particularly bothered by it, and personally, I would be much happier in my own home over the holidays, eating cookie dough and watching DVDs under a great big duvet in my PJs, or something along those lines. Maybe sleep in a bit ... have a nice rest.
Anyway. This is not to be. Every year I am told that I have to go to their house for xmas day, boxing day and so on. Considering that my family in general never spends more than about 2 or 3 hours throughout the rest of the year in the same room (even that descends into arguing), 2 full days and nights of enforced family time, all in one house, is a bit, erm, draining. My parents wouldn't (given a choice) celebrate xmas either, but DM has said that she doesn't want to upset SIL. Now, back to the email. We have been "invited" to go over this year again (what joy), and "due to the current economic climate, I would like you each to contribute £x to the cost of the meal". So, this year, not only are we bullied into going to their house to celebrate a holiday few of us actually want to celebrate, we now have to pay for the privilege. I'm looking into flights so I can honestly say "can't attend, out of the country".

So, AIBU to be annoyed by this?

OP posts:
diddl · 25/09/2009 10:18

Book a holiday somewhere warm?

Do some volunteer work?

I had an elderly relative who lived alone & he used to have his Christmas lunch at a community centre along with other "old folk".

He loved it & I think the paople who cooked/served enjoyed it as well.

When mine are older I´m determined to help with this.

MintyCane · 25/09/2009 10:21

Anyone remember the Grange Hill "Just say No" song ?

hullygully · 25/09/2009 10:22

I do.

TrillianAstra · 25/09/2009 10:22

(I am late 20s BTW, so definitely legally allowed to shag, drink, smoke and vote. Not necessarily at the same time).

Quote of the Week please!

MintyCane · 25/09/2009 10:25

yay hully - glad i am not the only one old enough

RumourOfAHurricane · 25/09/2009 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hullygully · 25/09/2009 10:26

Sadly I failed to implement it in my own life.

Original poster
NotVeryAmused · 25/09/2009 10:28

Thanks Trillian for the nomination [holds thumbs that I get quote of the week ... ]

Shona - yes, she is away from her family and they do make a big deal out of it. But then, on balance she chose to join our family and we don't make a deal out of it, and there are quite a few painful memories associated with the time of year (like the year we had to go and see my grandparents because we thought DGF was going to die shortly, was hallucinating and very very confused. Turns out the doctors had not been monitoring what medicines he was on and he had become addicted to morphine). I can understand it's hard for her, but surely she should be happy that she has two wonderful DCs and DH (not that I'm biased or anything) and she can spend it with them? Rather than bullying the rest of us to join in as well?

snigger at UQD

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 25/09/2009 10:35

My DH's DSis sounds like you. And like you, every year she gets worked up because she doesn't see why she has to celebrate CHristmas. Here's the difference between you and her - we've all discussed it, agreed how we feel and come to appropriate compromises that work for everyone. Because we're adults (and I say that knowing that actually DH's sister is one of the most immature people I know).

You acknowledge that she loves christmas, misses her family etc. One assume's she's not a complete bitch and therefore she understands on some level it's not your style. So why can't you come up with an appropriate in between plan?

"Look - we're not as keen on Christmas but appreciate that it's important to you and the kids. So let's do Christmas lunch on the main day but I think I'd rather be on the couch with a giant box of chocolates the rest of the time".

diddl · 25/09/2009 11:52

How old are your nephews/nieces?

Who else goes?

I´d love to be able to get my parents, ILs, & my sister & her family together for Christmas.

mazzystartled · 25/09/2009 12:09

What would your kids like to do? Isn't it nice for them to see their grandparents?

I maybe have some sypmathy for SIL trying to create a sense of occasion against the grain, even if she is going about it in a funny way.

Can you find some compromise - drive over xmas day, drive back boxing afternoon. Take a bit of an active role in the planning - if it's a family christmas then its not just up to sil because its her house. Rather than chip in cash say you'll bring pudding/boxing day brunch and booze.

TishTosh21 · 25/09/2009 12:11

This SIL isnt even a blood relative, tell her to do her own bloody xmas in her own house and that your gonna spend it doing your own thing. YANBU, people make too much fuss about xmas saying its for families and a time to get together, well not for everyone obv so just do your own thing. she sounds like a complete cow bag anyway.

mazzystartled · 25/09/2009 12:15

but tishtosh, maybe the op would still like to maintain a good relationship with her brother?

If going will actually make you miserable, OP, really, just don't go.

ben5 · 25/09/2009 12:15

say you can't go due to not being able to pay what she wants for food!!! your going to have baked beans on toast instead and be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!

catinthehat2 · 25/09/2009 12:20

Back to OP, but why do people eat cookie dough? Isn't it raw flour and hence indigestible?

Lexilicious · 25/09/2009 12:25

Your mum wanted to go to a spa but chickened out. So why don't you find a nice hotel-spa sort of place near your DB and SIL and stay there with your parents. That way you can drive together to SIL's house for Xmas lunch (and contribute your £x to the meal in lieu of getting her a present ) and make your escape whenever you please. You could even offer her another "present" such as taking your DNs for a Boxing Day walk out somewhere while she relaxes (with the washing up).

If I was being very naughty I would give her these "presents" in the form of beautifully written IOUs/cheques in a fancy envelope tied with ribbon and all glittered up to be opened on Christmas Day. I'd also be overwhelmingly generous to the kids as the whole point (in her words) seems to be to develop and maintain their view of Christmas as a time of high material gain.

I second the 'Quote of the Week' (can I do that?)

Original poster
NotVeryAmused · 25/09/2009 13:02

Sorry, was working.

The DNs are 11 and 8. It's my parents and I; other DB goes to his wife's family every year (the SIL in question is not happy about this). So it's me, my DPs, DB and SIL and DNs. As for the relationship with my DB - it is now pretty much non-existent because of a number of issues, largely originating with his DW, but I would rather not go into that here (that's for a therapist or some such).

I don't really drive, so moving around is a problem. I suppose I have MONTHS to think about this and come up with the best solution.

Re: the cookie dough question. I did actually do this once (fulfil a childhood dream of having a whole thing of raw chocolate chip cookie dough to myself), and it was amazing, for the first 2 minutes. Then it was rather sickly.

OP posts:
diddl · 25/09/2009 13:05

Aren´t you wanting to see your nieces/nephews and spoilthem?

oldraver · 25/09/2009 13:09

Just say no. If you really need an excuse say 'in the currewnt economic climate I canr afford to come to yours'. Then go and buy Christmas dinner form M+S and have your duvet day

mazzystartled · 25/09/2009 13:14

Sorry if I have misunderstood - do you have children of your own as well?

DuelingFanjo · 25/09/2009 13:16

diddl, to be fair not every person has a close bond with their nephews and nieces and so perhaps the OP just doesn't see that as a big enough draw. I know I wouldn't to be honest. I think the asking people to pay thing is a bit off; if you can't afford to throw a big family Christmas then don't.

LittleOneMum · 25/09/2009 13:31

I think that pretending to be doing (or even better, actually doing) something worthwhile like volunteering with the homeless on Xmas Day is always a good plan.
My Dad hated my grandmother (his MIL) and every Xmas day when she was there he would pop out for the afternoon to hand out soup at a soup kitchen. Much as she wanted to moan bigtime about this, she could not say anything as he was helping those less fortunate than himself (and than her, more to the point). If you say I can't, I'm volunteering that day, then no one can possibly get abusive...

diddl · 25/09/2009 13:35

No, they don´t, duellingfanjo, that´s why I asked.

It is odd to ask people to pay, although I would happily take wine, pudding or supply something else to be used as part of the meal.

Ghanamafia · 25/09/2009 13:37

No need to talk to SIL at all-she sounds foul. Tell your brother you're not going. If she sends you abusive texts forward them to him without comment. You're his family, why is he letting you be spoken to like this?

BitOfFun · 25/09/2009 13:39

With the No Thanks brigade too.