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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be VERY annoyed

99 replies

NotVeryAmused · 25/09/2009 09:56

Have name-changed in case SIL finds me.

Basically, last night SIL sent out an email about xmas. Most of my family don't celebrate it, not particularly bothered by it, and personally, I would be much happier in my own home over the holidays, eating cookie dough and watching DVDs under a great big duvet in my PJs, or something along those lines. Maybe sleep in a bit ... have a nice rest.
Anyway. This is not to be. Every year I am told that I have to go to their house for xmas day, boxing day and so on. Considering that my family in general never spends more than about 2 or 3 hours throughout the rest of the year in the same room (even that descends into arguing), 2 full days and nights of enforced family time, all in one house, is a bit, erm, draining. My parents wouldn't (given a choice) celebrate xmas either, but DM has said that she doesn't want to upset SIL. Now, back to the email. We have been "invited" to go over this year again (what joy), and "due to the current economic climate, I would like you each to contribute £x to the cost of the meal". So, this year, not only are we bullied into going to their house to celebrate a holiday few of us actually want to celebrate, we now have to pay for the privilege. I'm looking into flights so I can honestly say "can't attend, out of the country".

So, AIBU to be annoyed by this?

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 25/09/2009 13:41

I think a straight "no" is actually as bad and rude as her attempting to browbeat the lot of you into things. It's hard to believe, but what we want in the perfect world is not always the best thing or necessarily what we're going to get.

I think stamping your feet and saying, "no I won't go" will just make you look like an immature 7 year old and doesn't achieve anything.

Original poster
NotVeryAmused · 25/09/2009 13:47

Sadly, he's not above speaking to me like this either. Has sent some rather horrible messages in the past. Most messages you receive from them are along the lines of "Your DB and I have been talking about x and decided that y must happen".

I do love my DNs to bits and pieces, and would love to spend more time with them, but this is not allowed. For e.g., I was only once allowed to babysit them/take them out on my own, and that was because they were staying with my parents at the time. Also, they came to the town where I live last weekend, but didn't tell me at all. I found out afterwards from my DM. I will naturally have lots of presents for them, and spoil them on their birthdays (also never invited along for their non-family b'days). I suppose I'm biding my time until they're rebellious teenagers and I can take the role of the understanding aunt. From what I've heard, they've started rebelling already, so shouldn't have too long to wait.

OP posts:
B1984 · 25/09/2009 13:56

say youve met someone special and want to spend holidays with him,doing couple` stuff.

DuelingFanjo · 25/09/2009 13:57

I think just say 'unfortunately can't make it this year'. She (and he) would be very rude if she demanded to know why and has no right to a reason. You are your own person and don't have to go anywhere you don't want to.

diddl · 25/09/2009 14:01

Why aren´t you allowed to see them?
That´s horrible!

diddl · 25/09/2009 14:03

Oops, sorry!

That´s not my business, so ignore, obviously!

groundhogs · 25/09/2009 14:29

I say that if you already tried to say no last year, got insulting and abusive texts, that to me is enough reason...

Tack on the 'put your hand in the pocket, dig deep and help us (force) feed you' then it's as clear as the nose on you face, you HAVE to say no!

She's given you the ultimate OUT, by abusing you last year. She bullied you into going last year, and she'll try doing it again this year, but this time she wants you to pay her for the privilege....

Unbelievable.

Say No, I'm not going to make it this year, then switch off your phone.

Tell your Mum that this year you are NOT going, she can if she wants to, but if she doesn't then to say so, then at least you can all stick together.

Good luck, rooting for you!

pagwatch · 25/09/2009 14:38

I know I am just addingto the clamour but seriously , you are not obliged to go anywhere just because you are asked.
You have a responsibility to be polite and respectful and thats it.

Send a charming note/text whatever saying thank you so much for the invitation but I am afraid I have other plans and will not be able to come. I hope you all have a fabuloustime and look forward to seeing you in the New Year.

If you get any rude texts then reply saying that you have no wish to respond to such rudeness and turn your phone off.

This only becomes a drama if you contribute to the drama.
And you do need to be honest with yourself about whether your families apparent need for tension and drama does not make you a little inclined to ratchet up the angst and join in too.

It isn't a big deal. Just say you can't make it. Anything else is feeding the beast and making it a bigger deal. It is tough for them to have a big family drama if you won't join in.

scroobiuspirate · 25/09/2009 14:49

i'm with pag, she speaks well sense

no drama can ensue, unless you too, get in the spotlight.

don't allow it. be polite, and say you are having xmas at home.

branflake81 · 25/09/2009 15:09

Just go - it's one day a year, it will make them happy. It's nice to make other people happy, esp at Christmas.

The money thing is a bit odd - maybe you cuold bring dessert or something instead of cash?

diddl · 25/09/2009 15:12

Is it just me who has a horror of being alone on Christmas Day?

DuelingFanjo · 25/09/2009 15:18

no, not just you - I think I would hate it too. Though I have had christmas with just me and my DH before. If the alternative was spending christmas with someone that abusive and paying for it then I think I would try hard to do something else.

Original poster
NotVeryAmused · 25/09/2009 15:31

I think that's what really got me going - having to do something I don't want to do, fine, whatever, but then having to pay for the privilege as well. It's a step too far.

OP posts:
bigchris · 25/09/2009 15:38

I'm confused
do you have any hildren yourself?

bigchris · 25/09/2009 15:38

children

diddl · 25/09/2009 15:42

Yes, not on.

I´m sure you´re very nice, OP, but equally sure that they can cope without you, IYSWIM.

It´s not as if it´s rare that they see you at Christmas so would be a big deal, if you missed it.

thesecondcoming · 25/09/2009 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DuelingFanjo · 25/09/2009 15:57

but the OP's mum alread has chosen her DS hasn't she?

pagwatch · 25/09/2009 15:57

..it is too late

you are already sucked into the drama angst vortex.

mazzystartled · 25/09/2009 16:02

i asked that before big chris, but no answer from OP

If she has kids it would be nice for them to see their grandparents and their cousins, even if some of the family are difficult. If not kids then surely OP's prerogative to spend xmas on a Goan beach....

thesecondcoming · 25/09/2009 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stigaloid · 25/09/2009 16:09

Dear SIL

Many thanks for the annual invite to get together at Christmas time. Unfortunately I am not able to come along but would love to arrange a time to drop off pressies for my niece and nephew. We could do this before Christmas, or if you are ever round the corner again why not pop in and pick them up.

Have a cool Yule.

NotVeryAmused.

Easy-peasy. If they send you abusive texts then send one back saying

No need to be like that. I am an independant woman in my late-20's and can make myu own decisions with regards to my own time. Thank you.

Done.

Original poster
NotVeryAmused · 25/09/2009 16:09

I don't have DCs. If I did, then it would be different, definitely. Goan beach you say ...

For the trip with my parents, I raised it as a possible time, DM said no, so we've decided on alternative dates. My DPs will definitely go, no doubt about that.

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 25/09/2009 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DuelingFanjo · 25/09/2009 16:16

My grandparents hardly ever spent christmas with my parents. We were their only grand-kids. all families are different though I suppose.