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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be on bad terms with my husband these days now because of his sister?

44 replies

disillusionedmum · 24/09/2009 08:45

To cut a long story short. My DH's sister has chosent o have her first baby here in the UK as she is married to this old rich businessman. You'd think she would arrange everything herself with her "accomplished " husband and she isa doctor herslef but she is practically making my Dh do everything for her even book their hotel room!I feel totally exaspertaed at her laziness and selfishness. And to make things worse after her husband drops her and goes she wants to stay with us at our small flat with our two kids! I am fuming at this.She is not our responsibility and she should rely on herself and her husband should be there for her instead of putting his money and business before all! Please tell me if i am sounding horrid [hmm ]

OP posts:

SqueezyCheese · 24/09/2009 08:50

I don't know, hard to say. Sounds like there is maybe a bit of background to this. TBH if it was my SIL, I wouldn't mind helping out or DH helping out, in fact we'd be glad to......but, my SIL is very nice and would appreciate any help that people gave her.

Do you have a good relationship with her otherwise? Or do you maybe feel your DH is attending to her when he should be doing other things?

2rebecca · 24/09/2009 08:58

I don't think asking your husband to book a room near him is that bad, booking a hotel is very easy and probably best done if you know the area. Wanting to stay with you in a small flat is unreasonable. I'd just invite her round for dinner/ round for the evening alot and see her at weekends, although if heavily pregnant presume she won't be up to much.
Surprised she's come to UK to have a baby as if you're rich private maternity care doesn't vary that much. Are her parents in the UK though? Surprised she isn't wanting to be near her mum rather than her brother.

Original poster

disillusionedmum · 24/09/2009 08:58

it is a bit of both..i don't really like her as she only chooses to be "nice" when she wants something but even so we have a respectful raltionship. We are not friends no but that is because we do not have much in common. My Dh is quite a busy man as it is and the fact she wants him to do everything although she can use the internet herself and her husband is not doing much although he travels every other week annoys me..it is unafir to me and i would never do it myself...and yes maybe i am being a bit hysterical about it

OP posts:

diddl · 24/09/2009 08:59

Where does she live?

Doesn´t money buy good treatment there?

If she can´t fit in your flat she´ll have to be told.

Can she rent nearby?

Original poster

disillusionedmum · 24/09/2009 09:03

2rebecca: no her parents do not live here and it was just a sudden decision as this is their first and they had to wait a while till they could have this baby. you would think she would choose to be with her mother but she is making her mother come here later too! obviously she had to come two months before she is due and she juste exoects us all to drop everything and be there for her!

OP posts:

diddl · 24/09/2009 09:09

So she could be with you three months?

It´s too long, especially if you don´t get on.

I don´t really see any problem with your hubby making a few arrangements for his sister, TBH.

2rebecca · 24/09/2009 09:15

The whole thing sounds a bit silly. Having her round daily for 2 months is excessive. I'd chat to your husband but wouldn't want her living in the house for 3 months.

Original poster

disillusionedmum · 24/09/2009 10:41

i don't mind her spoiling herself and having her much awaited for baby at the best private clinic etc..what bothers me is she has made her own plans without considering how it would affect us..she has'nt spoken to me and expects to stay at my place and of course as she is heavily pregnant she will be expecting me to do stuff for her but i already have two young kids and feel she hasn't considered our own circumsyances..my DH won't sya a word to her ..he says he can't throw his sis out but i have decided to be diplomatic and put it to her if and when she decided to talk to me about it that she would not be comfortable with us with two young kids and no extra bed etc..my only problme is my DH is too protective about her and it is affecting our relationship..it seems to be an us issue now not a her issue!

OP posts:

diddl · 24/09/2009 11:47

OK, a reasonable question-do you have a spare bedroom?
If not, is it difficult for the children to share?

If so I don´t think it´s workable, not for the length of time she will be with you.

It´s all very well & good your hubby wanting to help his sister-he´s not the one who´ll end up running around after her all day.

She can afford an alternative-let her.

Why must you all also have broken nights when baby arrives?

AliGrylls · 24/09/2009 12:03

I would probably bite my tongue and put up with it - I remember how unpleasant the last days of pregnancy are and what a shock it is to the system when you actually have a baby.

She probably needs some support and maybe her husband is not very good at providing it, which is why she is leaning on her bro.

BitOfFun · 24/09/2009 12:09

Unless you want to be boiling with rage at a heavily pregnant lady, you'll need to tell her to stay elsewhere. It's not tenable to have a houseguest for that long.

diddl · 24/09/2009 12:34

And won´t she appreciate some peace and quiet and time alone with baby without young children running around-sorry if that´s not the scenario, OP!!

From her POV, I can see that she might be wanting company, of course.
But depending on the size of your flat, if you are all "on top of each other", no one gets a break, and that´s not good for anyone-especially a pregnant woman.

Original poster

disillusionedmum · 24/09/2009 13:08

our flat is a two bedroom one where the kids have one room and us the other..she had so mnay other options she could haev explored and i really don't know why she is choosing this one..she may not stay with us for the full length of her stay but i would have appreciated if she had been more considerate and talked to us BOTh first instead of stating she is staying with us..by the way the reason she isn't staying with her other bro who has a big house and extra rom is she is on no speaking terms with the sister in law..i can't see how her hubby is not taking his responsibilty more seriously and think it is not fair on us to have her "dumped" on us..

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 24/09/2009 13:10

blimey, why do you dislike her so much?

Original poster

disillusionedmum · 24/09/2009 13:15

dunno maybe i am horrid

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 24/09/2009 13:18

Ah. I had sympathy with you right up until you said 'dumped'

i agree it's not ideal. A short-term lease of a flat or house would be more sensible. But I get the distinct impression that that wouldn't really alter the way you feel about it.

And why are you mad with your DH?

Stigaloid · 24/09/2009 13:23

I'd be furious too! A marriage is a PARTNERSHIP, which means both adults get equal say in what goes on in the home. If i did not want someone staying with us and DH did we would discuss and then find an alternative for the other person or a compromise where both parties were happy. I similarly would not enforce my DH to have someone stay with us if he did not want it. Unbelievable. Also, as being the primary carer of 2 young children you will now be primary carer to a selfish woman who has not shown you an ounce of respect. I'd be having strong words with hubby and saying if he want her to stay he takes the time off work to look after her as your hands are already full with the children. What a rude woman!

diddl · 24/09/2009 13:27

Well, if you have a two bed flat, where does your hubby think she is going to sleep?-and baby when it arrives?

bamboobutton · 24/09/2009 13:31

i'm with stigaloid.

i'd be furious if sil tried to foist herself on us because she can't be arsed to sort herself out.

diddl · 24/09/2009 13:53

I do have some sympathy for SIL, though as it is a special time for her & no one other than her brother seems to care!

I´d try also to see if from her POV & be there to help, but I don´t think you need to have her staying for that to happen.

OrmIrian · 24/09/2009 13:55

Agree with diddl. Seems so sad that she's being seen as a nuisance. Have you suggested to DH that she might prefer her own space? When I was pregnany I struggled to cope with a lot of things that I'd have done without even thinking about it when I wasn't.

choosyfloosy · 24/09/2009 13:59

This sounds completely unreasonable of her - where are you all going to sleep???

I would imagine she is panicking a bit and wanting friendly faces around her. Which is fair enough, but I couldn't imagine being 9 months pregnant and wedged into someone else's house!

You need to talk seriously to dh about this - is there a flat in your building that she could rent, so she can be close by while having a bedroom of her own?? How can she not want her own space? And is she planning to hire help after the baby is born, or do it all herself, or (I'm afraid) get you and your dh to do all the stuff her mother might otherwise do? If she wants to hire help, where are they going to be?

diddl · 24/09/2009 14:01

Also, how often will she be seeing her hubby & will he even be able to be there for the birth?

fuzzywuzzy · 24/09/2009 14:03

Where's your MIL going ot stay, you have a two bed flat.

So that will be you and your DH, your two chidlren your SIL and new baby, and your MIL who she has asked to come over as well......where is everyoe going to sleep??

Have you calmly asked your husband how he's going to make it work- given she's his guest.

lizziemun · 24/09/2009 14:40

Draw out a picture of your flat showing where you and dc sleep, then do another with dh, you and dc in your room and sil/her dh + dc in your dc room and mil in the lounge. and make a list of all the added junk stuff needed for them eg cot & baby stuff/storage space for 3mths clothes for sil/dc/mil.

Reminding him that no one will have any space or time to themselves with having up 8 people one of whom will be hormonal stressed new mum, a tiny newborn crying at all hours and your 2 children excited that they have all these people to play with at anytime living in your flat for upto 12weeks.

So unless he/we can find away of making your flat bigger then he need another solution to this.

I bet he not looking at all the other bits around his sister staying with you just that his sister has asked to stay.

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