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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that ex should pay his own contact expenses....

30 replies

jetonthedancefloor · 19/09/2009 18:55

if he is fighting for contact?

Long story short. Abusive ex still had contact with our two daughters, aged 12 and 2. Earlier this year DD1 was becoming more and more distressed when seeing her dad, and following various conversations with her school, i decided to withdraw contact. At thie point DD2 was coming home with very colourful language, which she would not hear at home. She was just turned 2 at this point.So i stopped her contact as well, writing to ex saying that unless he either attended anger management or agreed to some form of supervised contact, then the girls would not be visiting him.

He left this for monthes, and then following pressure from his family, he got a solicitor to write stating that he wished to pursue contact. He got legal aid as he quit his job to aviod paying csa.

Fast forward to this week, our first joint mediation sessions - though separate rooms as i am still somewhat scared of him. He wants weekly contact, but only if i contribute towards his petrol costs (i dont have a car at the moment, and cant use the bus due to ill health). He lives about 1 miles away. he says if i dont contribute, he wont see them. Although i hate him with a passion, i know that DDs are missing him, and would like to see him (though DD1 is extremely worried that things will go back to how they were before).

SO, we have agreed for contact 1 day per week for the next 4 weeks. I put my foot down 100% and said that i would not be paying his costs for these 4 weeks, as due the to amount of times he has messed previous contact around, i felt it reasonable for him to show some level of commitment. I know that he is only on JSA at the moment, yet he still goes to pub, meals out etc as he gets a lot of handouts from his family. I have absolutely no family, in fact, previously when i have been so skint that i had to beg to ex for money for shoes for DD1, he simply laughed in my face.

I dont envisage being without a car for very long, but am i being unreasonable in expecting him to pay his own travel - esp as he is the one who is asking for it? After these 4 weeks, if everything goes ok, they are going to go overnight once a fortnight - yet to decide about travel costs for that.

I know i am probably too emotional to see straight, so would appreciate your thoughts?

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 19/09/2009 18:57

he lives 1 miles away??? What travel costs would he have, why can't he/they walk?

Alambil · 19/09/2009 18:57

court have said to me (abusive ex too) that his contact, his cost... if he wasn't willing to pay, he didn't get contact (and it was in the region of £200 as he lived outside the UK)

Put your foot down and don't move it

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/09/2009 19:00

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Original poster
jetonthedancefloor · 19/09/2009 19:03

sorry, make that 10 mile away! Stewie, yes i get the £5 per week now, just started a couple of weeks ago, as he would never respond to letters form the csa. It took them from Feb 08 to Dec 08 to learn that he had packed his job in, despite me telling them, but thats another story!

Lewis - i am trying, but i do feel guilty, all the years of emotional blackmail still take their toll

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 19/09/2009 19:04

ok, fair enough at costs then.

TOTALLY unreasonably to expect you to meet them, HE is pursuing contact, but saying he won't bother unless you pay - what a total fuckwit.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/09/2009 19:05

10 miles away, he can still walk it. Don't pay a penny.

newtotheplanet · 19/09/2009 19:09

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StewieGriffinsMom · 19/09/2009 19:10

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
jetonthedancefloor · 19/09/2009 19:15

I have agreed to provide nappies ect for DD2, but he wants to bring them back at 6 for me to give them their tea. DD2 is usally in bed by 6.30, with her tea at 4. Again, he asked for money if he was going to provide tea.

I can actually see his point i guess, cant be easy living on JSA. But, he is only on JSA through quitting his job, so while i can sympathise, i end up thinking - 'you made your bed, now lie in it' IYSWIM. Meals are not a problem anyway, as he generally eats at a family members house, as do the girls when they are up.

So, when i go back to mediation in 4 weeks, it would not be unreasonable to say that he has to collect and drop off then as well - though tath will be once a fortnight instead of once a week? Think he is really peeved that the collection/drop off is to take place somewhere public and not at my house - i am not taking the risk of him having a go at me again.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 19/09/2009 19:19

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/09/2009 19:19

He pays for the DC while he's with them - if he's not even giving you the £5 a week he should be, he can afford to buy tea for a wee one. Of course he should collect and drop off at his expense! Presumably you have expenses geting to the meeting point too?

Salsavita · 19/09/2009 19:20

jet - do not pay towards the costs. He should give them their tea before he drops them back - surely he could afford a couple of tins of beans and a couple of slices of bread for them?

Stand your ground my love.

Original poster
jetonthedancefloor · 19/09/2009 19:22

no, thats within walking distance for me and the girls. I have in the past provided food etc. took them to asda for groceries, but they were never getting eaten.

Thanks for the reassurance. The girls are so looking forward to seeing their dads family again, its hard not to just give in and agree to his demands!

OP posts:
Rosesinautumn · 19/09/2009 19:48

Sorry. Is he supposed to be doing you a favour by seeing the kids?

He quits his job so he doesn't have to provide for them finacially, runs a car and goes to the pub but your supposed to pay for transport and the kids meals? Are you kidding? Now I'm all for children seeing their parents even abusive ones (as long as they are not abusive to the child) but it's not a treat for him, it's his parental responsibility and as such he needs to step and do his part. Getting there and back, feeding the kids is a bare minimum and there are ways, even with a limited income, he can go without if needs be (although my bet is his family could stump up the miniscule amount it would take to see his kids even if he didn't have it).

Don't let this man hold you to ransom, he's trying to put you in the position whereby if the kids don't get to see dad then it's mums fault. Don't play the game. Your allowing contact, that's all you need to do, the rest is up to him.

BitOfFun · 19/09/2009 19:50

Jet, don't give him a penny my darling- he is already leaving you out of pocket by shirking his responsibilities! You have absolutely no obligation to budge one inch over this, honestly.

Original poster
jetonthedancefloor · 19/09/2009 19:53

thanks I was nervous about posting here, but you have all put my mind at rest

OP posts:
IWantAChickAndADuck · 19/09/2009 19:57

Jet.... lots I could say on this, but I'll keep it short. My Ex pays nothing for my DS1 in the way of maintenance at the moment. Contact has been in dribs and drabs. He lives 300 miles away and drives up when contact takes place. NEVER would I contribrute anything to his travel costs. I help out by providing a packed lunch if he says he is struggling financially but thats as far as it goes. Am stopping now before I start to rant....

Original poster
jetonthedancefloor · 19/09/2009 20:06

rant away chick - sad to hear you are in a similar position.

The next task of mediation - to sort out what happens with DD2 when DD1 has to go into hospital. It is usually a 5 day stay (she has kidney reflux and gets constant infections) and the last time she was in ex couldnt understand why i was staying in with her - she has dysraxia and suspected aspergers and gets extremely anxious) he simply turned up at the hospital on day 4 (knowing that DD needs a 5 day course of IV antibotics) and left DD2 with me, meaning i couldnt stay. The hospital were very understanding and let us all go home, with oral meds for DD1. My biggest fear of DD1 being ill is having to ask ex to take care of DD2.

The only other option is my sister to travel down 300 miles from the Scottish Highlands, which she has offered to do.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/09/2009 20:08

Take up your sister's offer, it doesn't sound like he's any too reliable.

(Is that a sentence?)

Original poster
jetonthedancefloor · 19/09/2009 20:09

lol oldlady - i got what you meant

OP posts:
Ivykaty44 · 19/09/2009 20:09

A Father wants to be paid to see his children?

That aint a father

Phoenix4725 · 19/09/2009 20:37

my xh does this to if he has kids if i dont give him any money they dont get fed or get a drink ad boy does it pi** me of .

Original poster
jetonthedancefloor · 19/09/2009 20:56

phoenix - would he not actually feed them at all if you didnt give him any money?

OP posts:
Portofino · 19/09/2009 21:05

God, if this was my dd, I would happily WALK 10 miles to see her, if that was my only opportunity, and I wouldn't eat if that meant I could take her out! Why are some fathers such....I can't even think of the most suitable word!

IWantAChickAndADuck · 19/09/2009 21:10

Same for you Jet! Such a crap situation.

We're just about to go to court for the 3rd time...my Ds is 3 and a half. I should imagine we'll be back every year for another 15...