to think that ex should pay his own contact expenses....

[jetonthedancefloor]

if he is fighting for contact?

Long story short. Abusive ex still had contact with our two daughters, aged 12 and 2. Earlier this year DD1 was becoming more and more distressed when seeing her dad, and following various conversations with her school, i decided to withdraw contact. At thie point DD2 was coming home with very colourful language, which she would not hear at home. She was just turned 2 at this point.So i stopped her contact as well, writing to ex saying that unless he either attended anger management or agreed to some form of supervised contact, then the girls would not be visiting him.

He left this for monthes, and then following pressure from his family, he got a solicitor to write stating that he wished to pursue contact. He got legal aid as he quit his job to aviod paying csa.

Fast forward to this week, our first joint mediation sessions - though separate rooms as i am still somewhat scared of him. He wants weekly contact, but only if i contribute towards his petrol costs (i dont have a car at the moment, and cant use the bus due to ill health). He lives about 1 miles away. he says if i dont contribute, he wont see them. Although i hate him with a passion, i know that DDs are missing him, and would like to see him (though DD1 is extremely worried that things will go back to how they were before).

SO, we have agreed for contact 1 day per week for the next 4 weeks. I put my foot down 100% and said that i would not be paying his costs for these 4 weeks, as due the to amount of times he has messed previous contact around, i felt it reasonable for him to show some level of commitment. I know that he is only on JSA at the moment, yet he still goes to pub, meals out etc as he gets a lot of handouts from his family. I have absolutely no family, in fact, previously when i have been so skint that i had to beg to ex for money for shoes for DD1, he simply laughed in my face.

I dont envisage being without a car for very long, but am i being unreasonable in expecting him to pay his own travel - esp as he is the one who is asking for it? After these 4 weeks, if everything goes ok, they are going to go overnight once a fortnight - yet to decide about travel costs for that.

I know i am probably too emotional to see straight, so would appreciate your thoughts?

I know nothing about it Jet so feel free to ignore, but isn't this type of behaviour another way of continuing to be abusive toward you? It seems so controlling, a kind of "she's got away but I can still make decisions about how she gets to live". He's lost, so he's trying to make himself feel back in charge.

Iggi - i think you've hit the nail on the head. ALl our trouble started when i was at uni. he said to me it was either him or uni, i couldnt have both. I picked uni

He worked in the same job in a factory for 20 years, and was happy with his lot. He thought i should be the stay at home wife like his mum. I guess it was the way he was brought up.

Whatever I or the mediator suggested, he had to tweak it a little, just so he could have the last word!

btw, i'm not saying there is anything wrong with working in a factory for 20 years - its a job, and was a good one!

You have to ASK him to look after your DD when your baby is in hospital?? Honestly I'm feeling a teary for you and your DD's and what you have to put up with (partly hormonal but nevertheless)- what kind of man is he?

Make arrangements with your sister but also could you try and find out if there are any charities or organisations that can help with childcare in your sort of situation? I haven't a clue I'm afraid but perhaps someone on here might have some ideas?

Totally agree with Iggi99 that he's controlling and will use any opportunity to make you feel his power. Leave him out of the equation wherever possible would be my advise.

Glad you made the right choice
It must be a struggle with all the shit you're putting up with, but better than the rest of your life living with him, I'd wager.