Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm actually asking because I don't know.

109 replies

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/09/2009 17:03

I'm pregnant, having a very hard time at work being bullied, and I've had hideous headaches and been in and out of hospital for weeks.

DH has said as it's his birthday next week we'll have a small family party to celebrate sort of hopefully coming through the otherside of a very shit couple of months. It's my birthday the week after so as we both work alllllllll the time, he has said that we'll spend the day and night together doing whatever I want for a change. We planned this a few weeks ago and have been counting down the days to something nice!! I said that I wanted to go away for the day to something we'd wanted to go to for a while, then at the night I wanted us to have a special tea, DVD and to chill out together for the first time in ages (and perhaps have an early night since we never get the chance with a toddler) my mum was going to have our son for the night. We had started to save as we are in bad debt and so we literally have to save for these things.

Today SIL came round to tell us she has gotten engaged to her partner. Apparently they picked out a ring over a month ago but have been waiting for it to come. MIL knew, but was the only one, and as the ring came yesterday they have decided to tell people.

MIL, who really dislikes me and makes life very hard for me - much similar to another thread that is on AIBU at the moment called 'another MIL thread'. She has decided to have a party for them on my birthday. When she did our engagement party, they were all allowed to invite their family and friends, but I wasn't allowed to even have one of my friends there, but I'm sure it will be different for SIL. I said 'Oh I can't make it, it's my birthday' immediately without thinking and SIL said 'yes she knows it's your birthday, she's only having it on that date if [her new husband] is off work so it might not be that date. But if it is you are bloody coming.'

The reason MIL won't have it the week after is because it's her sister's grandson's birthday party in the day time and the week after they are having a 'piss up' for all the adults of the family to celebrate the boy's 3rd birthday. Which I think is strange anyway.

I really don't want to go on my birthday, do I have to?

I'll probably end up going anyway but I wanted to ask on here.

OP posts:
clam · 20/09/2009 10:55

Well, they might think her petty and small-minded, but they don't appear to think much of her at all anyway if the back story is right. So what's she got to lose?
For what it's worth, I think one of my ILs is petty and small-minded (amongst other things) but none of us messes with her anymore. Too much hassle. Every plan is run past her, round her and according to her agenda.

Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 20/09/2009 13:12

Well, here's the update.

DH came in and apologised, said he was just angry at his mum for being a pain in the arse as usual and that he was taking it out on me. Cue lots of hugs etc so all was well.

Next thing, she phones and I can hear him saying 'yes it's lovely, but unfortunately I won't be able to make the party as it's [Totally's] birthday that day. Then [Totally's]...[TOTALLY'S]..errmm... MY WIFE!! Yes I know you did a party for us but that was moved for [SIL] as she had some kind of plans on the day and anyway, it doesn't change that it's my wife's birthday and we have plans.'

She started shouting something I couldn't make out (just loud voice on end of phone IYSWIM) and he kept saying the same thing- that we already have plans. Eventually the phone ran out of battery so he just left it off.

Apparently she kept saying 'well we did it for you and it's the only day SFIL can get off work.

I'm so pleased that DH stuck to his guns and backed me up!!

It's still an ongoing thing though, I can tell. And they WILL put me on the spot next time I'm there and pressure me, or bitch at DH about me.

Do I stick to my guns or just go?

OP posts:
bamboobutton · 20/09/2009 13:16

stick to your guns or it gives them the green light to keep acting this way.

captainmillenniumflint · 20/09/2009 13:17

yay your dh no - don't go, what's the point in dh standing up to mil if you then go anyway, how will that encourage her to respect the pair of you as grown adults?

MaryBS · 20/09/2009 13:20

Stick to your guns. They can't be allowed to get away with this. Even if you decide to go now, you can guarantee they'll make life unpleasant for you. You deserve to have a lovely time on your birthday!

Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 20/09/2009 13:23

That's true. I should stick to my guns. MIL will surely get the jist eventually.

I'm still peeved with her at mo anyway. I'm 18 weeks pregnant ATM and had a MC a few weeks before I got pregnant with this baby. We were devastated. MIL didn't ask how we were, she just kept saying 'Oh God, I don't want to tell [her husband] he has been so looking forward to being a grandad again. I just don't know how he'll take it. We've been through so much you know. He's going to be gutted.' Then after she told him she kept going on and on about how he was so 'upset' and 'disappointed'. So I felt terrible. They had had a couple of MC's about 4 years ago so she should have known what not to say.

OP posts:
diddl · 20/09/2009 13:24

Hurray!!

Don´t give in!

They haven´t organised anything yet, so it doesn´t have to be on the day you have plans.

Is it a daytime party being organised for the engagement?

ninedragons · 20/09/2009 13:29

Stick to your guns or she will ride roughshod over you until the unlamented day she drops dead.

She sounds beserk.

MmeLindt · 20/09/2009 14:22

Well done to your DH for sticking up for you. It must be hard for him.

No, don't go or they will just do the same kind of thing again and again.

SwissCheese · 20/09/2009 14:32

Stick to your guns... whatever you do, don't give in now. Well done your DH.
Have a great birthday

clam · 20/09/2009 14:34

DO NOT GO, otherwise this major step forward will be lost, and they'll realise that if they badger enough, it'll work.

Good for your DH!

WebDude · 20/09/2009 16:24

Bloody hell - am shocked that having booked time off to celebrate both your birthdays and spend time with you, that he would put his sister ahead of you.

I damn well hope that SIL's husband-to-be cannot make it that day, which would block the opportunity for DH to go (or would he change date of his leave for SIL over you, too?)

While I can see the 'good grace' and 'above it all' aspect of going to this 'do', I think the SIL's attitude of "you are bloody coming" should get a "no I'm f'ing not coming" if that's how you feel, to make it perfectly clear that SIL and MIL cannot walk roughshod over you, even if your DH is unable/ unwilling / whatever to "make a stand on your behalf".

WebDude · 20/09/2009 16:30

Ah. I should learn to read more... Well, glad that he did stick up for you, and hope SIL and MIL will get similar in future from him, given that as a family, rather than a couple, your own priorities will change and perhaps exclude their plans even more !

Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 20/09/2009 16:30

Webdude- he's made a stand now, he said he was just angry at his mum being her usual pain-in-arse self and he'd taken it out on me. He was lovely about it, made me a lovely tea to make up for it, and told his mum where to go. But she's still kicking up a stink. As usual! He's always looked after his sister because their dad died when she was young so he has a real bond with her but I think MIL is just using that to her advantage.

OP posts:
WebDude · 20/09/2009 16:32

Indeed - have a great birthday (just reminded me one of my sister's birthdays is coming up!) and as MmeLindt just pointed out, similar will happen in future if you don't stay firm on this.

WebDude · 20/09/2009 16:35

Can appreciate his sticking up for sister (my dad died when I was about 6) but glad he also stuck up for you this time, too.

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 20/09/2009 16:41

I'm so glad DH backed you up in the end, shame it had to take an argument to get him to do it !!!

Don't you dare give in & go to this party. It not only shows MIL & SIL that they can walk right over you, but may also make DH think twice in future about backing you up where his family are concerned.

Enjoy your birthday. It'll be even more special now that you know MIL is pissed off that her precious son has finally stood up for his wife and that she hasn't been able to get what she wants this time .

diddl · 20/09/2009 16:46

Perhaps if the whole thing hadn´t been approached in such a ridiculous way, you might have felt more inclined to give up your b/day and reach a compromise.

I can see why he would want to go to his sisters engagement party, though.

That said, if she really cares, it´ll be arranged for a time when he can go!

Who is SFIL, and why is that the onlyday they can get off work?

And why need a day off if it´s an evening party-to travel?

hatwoman · 20/09/2009 16:49

good on your dh. I totally think they ABU. However, as this is family - and you're stuck with them...is is worth calling in at the party for half an hour? I would only do this if it can be done without you having to change your plans (eg popping in on the way back from your day out) and without them thinking they have "won" a battle of some sorts and can carry on making unreasonable demands. but I do wonder if it might be worthwhile. it might take away their ammunition iyswim.

Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 20/09/2009 16:55

I don't know why it's the only day he can get off work, I don't believe it is, I think that's MIL fussing. I would have gone if they'd come to me and said 'look, we'd really like to have the party on this day as it's the only day we can do but it's your birthday and we understand if you have plans, but if you'd like to come we'd like to make it special for you too' IYSWIM. Or they could have just picked a different day!

SFIL might be doing the buffet? I don't know. But he's not the only one who can make a few sarnies, we always all make a bit of buffet when there's a party- to help out.

Chunky- that's so true, she'll hate him backing me up. But it does bother me that they'll all be slagging me off

OP posts:
Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 20/09/2009 16:58

Sorry, cross posted. I suppose it might be reasonable for us to pop in for half an hour, but I'm not going in the afternoon and staying to early hours like they'll expect. I can think of nowt worse. I'll have to see what happens and how I feel. Seem to be getting more poorly rather than better so will no doubt be back in hospital this week.

OP posts:
diddl · 20/09/2009 17:05

I also think it would be a nice gesture if you could pop in after your day out.

But not if they´re going to comment nastily!

Is the day now definite?

It is hard to strike a balance between all of nothing.

I´ve moaned to hubby about MIL before.

Then I sometimes realise that I´m getting into a state about something, and no one else has given it a thought!

Let´s hope you´ll be considered more in future!

lisad123wantsherquoteinDM · 20/09/2009 17:07

I would say, you have to go families are a right PITA and YANU to be naffed off.

Any chance you can go to SIl party, but leave a little early and book inot a hotel with the money you have saved for the day out?? Then spend a nice morning and day together the next day??

Podrick · 20/09/2009 17:16

I think you would be bonkers to go after your dh has made a stand.

Congratulate them on their engagement when you see them - that is enough. We are not talking about missing their wedding fgs.

very sorry to hear that you are being bullied at work - have you contacted ACAS for advice?

thirtysomething · 20/09/2009 17:19

Ttotally MIL's reaction to your MC makes her sound very narcissistic - no more evidence needed to see they ABVU not you and that this will be an endless cycle of them getting you to do what they want for fear of emotional fall-out and feeling guilty for weeks....nothing is ever enough for people like this; they thrive on hurting and upsetting people in order to be able to control them and get them to do whatever they wish when they wish and as far as MIL is concerned the fact you have plans is irrelevant - you could be going to Buckingham Palace to get your OBE and she'd still feel slighted as of course her party is more important.....

So the only answer is to do what makes you and DH happy and try to minimise feelings of guilt - you only get one life! Don't let her rule it!!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread