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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm actually asking because I don't know.

109 replies

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/09/2009 17:03

I'm pregnant, having a very hard time at work being bullied, and I've had hideous headaches and been in and out of hospital for weeks.

DH has said as it's his birthday next week we'll have a small family party to celebrate sort of hopefully coming through the otherside of a very shit couple of months. It's my birthday the week after so as we both work alllllllll the time, he has said that we'll spend the day and night together doing whatever I want for a change. We planned this a few weeks ago and have been counting down the days to something nice!! I said that I wanted to go away for the day to something we'd wanted to go to for a while, then at the night I wanted us to have a special tea, DVD and to chill out together for the first time in ages (and perhaps have an early night since we never get the chance with a toddler) my mum was going to have our son for the night. We had started to save as we are in bad debt and so we literally have to save for these things.

Today SIL came round to tell us she has gotten engaged to her partner. Apparently they picked out a ring over a month ago but have been waiting for it to come. MIL knew, but was the only one, and as the ring came yesterday they have decided to tell people.

MIL, who really dislikes me and makes life very hard for me - much similar to another thread that is on AIBU at the moment called 'another MIL thread'. She has decided to have a party for them on my birthday. When she did our engagement party, they were all allowed to invite their family and friends, but I wasn't allowed to even have one of my friends there, but I'm sure it will be different for SIL. I said 'Oh I can't make it, it's my birthday' immediately without thinking and SIL said 'yes she knows it's your birthday, she's only having it on that date if [her new husband] is off work so it might not be that date. But if it is you are bloody coming.'

The reason MIL won't have it the week after is because it's her sister's grandson's birthday party in the day time and the week after they are having a 'piss up' for all the adults of the family to celebrate the boy's 3rd birthday. Which I think is strange anyway.

I really don't want to go on my birthday, do I have to?

I'll probably end up going anyway but I wanted to ask on here.

OP posts:
nellie12 · 19/09/2009 17:39

no one can make you go feign sickness if necessary. I would just because of the way I was told in your position.

Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/09/2009 17:39

If it's a different day I'll definately go. MIL didn't know but she knows it's my birthday and she knows DH always makes sure we do something I want to do on my birthday as we work so much.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 19/09/2009 17:39

YOO ARE NOT BEING HORMONAL!! Sorry to shout, but you really do not need to be blaming yourself, you are not at fault in this situation. Your husband is a dick. And that's not a term I use lightly, but I just cannot believe a REAL man would treat his wife so poorly.

BouncingTurtle · 19/09/2009 17:43

I would have slapped your sister in law

Tell your DH to grow a pair and tell them pair of them to fuck off, he CHOSE to be with you, and you should not have to put up with such disrespectful behaviour from his family.

Of course he should be with you!!

MmeLindt · 19/09/2009 17:43

Your absolutely not BU.

If your DH refuses to put you first then take your DS, have a lovely day out with him and your Mum and a meal and DVD with your Mum when your DS is in bed.

Sod the lot of them, selfish bastards.

BouncingTurtle · 19/09/2009 17:44

Then second pair I mean is your SIL or MIL, not his newly grown balls

TheCrackFox · 19/09/2009 17:45

Don't go. Let your DH go without you. Have a fabulous time with your friends instead.

Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/09/2009 17:46

Haha well at least you've got me smiling BouncingTurtle

I don't know what to do Want to show that I'm peeved but I also kind of want to give him a really good birthday and me a really shit birthday to make a big fat point IYSWIM.

OP posts:
snapple · 19/09/2009 17:49

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied You are pregnant - so I think that warrants a get out of jail card to any social event you need it for. You should not even need an excuse - being pregnant is sufficient in itself.

You need to look after yourself and take care.
Explain to your DH that you need his support. Have a happy bday the way you want to.

... and I know it is not probably the right thing to bring up but did you ever report your recollection of events with regards the priest that you posted about?

posieparker · 19/09/2009 17:50

Ask your Dh to think about his wedding vows.... then ask again who's side he's on.

Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/09/2009 17:52

A new priest is at the parish, the other seems to have disappeared! I'm going to ask where the hell the other one has gone as I think it might be a long term thing- it's been a good few weeks.

OP posts:
cat64 · 19/09/2009 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

captainmillenniumflint · 19/09/2009 17:53

you are a) pregnant b) unwell and recovering from frequent hospitalisations c) having a shit time at work.

your h needs to have a serious look at himself and his priorities

captainmillenniumflint · 19/09/2009 17:55

cat64: how can it be a "nice evening out with your dh" when op has been bullied/forced into going and has to spend time with inlaws she doesn't get on with? you are potty.

diddl · 19/09/2009 17:58

I was just beginning to think a little like cat64, actually.

For example, if I had plans for hubby´s b/day, then my sister got engaged, I´d want to go to that & celebrate hubby´s b7day another day.

Am also wondering why you weren´t "allowed" your friends at your engagement party.

captainmillenniumflint · 19/09/2009 17:59

edit: that is (not you are) potty

snapple · 19/09/2009 18:02

Got to say that if I was pregnant (and I am), and if I was having a very hard time at work being bullied, and had hideous headaches and been in and out of hospital for weeks, with money worries then there is no way I'd be up to be party girl for an evening, especially if the host is not known to be completely supportive.

No way whatsoever.

Not worth the risk.

Chill out for the evening if that is what you want - and if your DH can't chill out with you - then find some friends who can.

Fajitas · 19/09/2009 18:02

Speaking as someone with bitter experience of a difficult and self-centered MIL and SIL, I'd suggest that you do what you want, but remain impeccably polite about the choice. "So sorry I can't make it" would be the line I'd take.

As to your DH, it's a difficult situation. My husband supported the MIL and SIL in a HUGE confrontation less than 10 days before our wedding (18 months ago). I'm not totally over it - it still affects my ability to trust him completely, but I recognise (at some level) that he's trying so hard. If he wasn't trying, I'm not sure how I'd cope.

diddl · 19/09/2009 18:04

It is difficult as I can see that hubby wants to go to his sister´s engagement party.

I don´t think wanting to do this makes him a bad husband.

snapple · 19/09/2009 18:05

oh and just to add - have gone to great parties when pregnant and still find it hard - and really knackering and need recovery time after, even when I really really want to go.

Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/09/2009 18:09

Diddl- she announced she was doing an engagement party for us, invited all DH's side of the family to their house, then let even his cousins etc invite their friends, but I was only allowed my mum and dad, no other family and no friends as there 'wasn't room'.

Can't do my night another night as DH works weekends (as well as most of the week) and I work (teach) all week- he booked my birthday off a while ago and isn't allowed anymore time off as they are 'understaffed' I.E most of the staff have gone off with stress.

But it doesn't matter anyway as it's obvious we have to go He's always like this about his sis.

OP posts:
ingles2 · 19/09/2009 18:15

ok, say you'll go to the party but you need to cancel dh's b'day celebrations so you can celebrate yours on that night instead.

PrincessToadstool · 19/09/2009 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl · 19/09/2009 18:17

I would really recommend that you go with a painted smile on, act graciously about it but do make a big thing of reminding everyone "isn't it great a shared party as it's my birthday!" Actually even take a birthday cake with you and plonk it next to theirs.

It's not like the didn't know! Retain the moral highground and make your point all in one!

MmeLindt · 19/09/2009 18:17

I am surprised that you even went to your own engagement party, let alone married him.

Let your DH read this thread.

What a spineless bastard. How could he not let your friends and family come to your engagement party?

Sorry, he is your DH and I am sure that you love him, but that is just terrible.