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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm actually asking because I don't know.

109 replies

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/09/2009 17:03

I'm pregnant, having a very hard time at work being bullied, and I've had hideous headaches and been in and out of hospital for weeks.

DH has said as it's his birthday next week we'll have a small family party to celebrate sort of hopefully coming through the otherside of a very shit couple of months. It's my birthday the week after so as we both work alllllllll the time, he has said that we'll spend the day and night together doing whatever I want for a change. We planned this a few weeks ago and have been counting down the days to something nice!! I said that I wanted to go away for the day to something we'd wanted to go to for a while, then at the night I wanted us to have a special tea, DVD and to chill out together for the first time in ages (and perhaps have an early night since we never get the chance with a toddler) my mum was going to have our son for the night. We had started to save as we are in bad debt and so we literally have to save for these things.

Today SIL came round to tell us she has gotten engaged to her partner. Apparently they picked out a ring over a month ago but have been waiting for it to come. MIL knew, but was the only one, and as the ring came yesterday they have decided to tell people.

MIL, who really dislikes me and makes life very hard for me - much similar to another thread that is on AIBU at the moment called 'another MIL thread'. She has decided to have a party for them on my birthday. When she did our engagement party, they were all allowed to invite their family and friends, but I wasn't allowed to even have one of my friends there, but I'm sure it will be different for SIL. I said 'Oh I can't make it, it's my birthday' immediately without thinking and SIL said 'yes she knows it's your birthday, she's only having it on that date if [her new husband] is off work so it might not be that date. But if it is you are bloody coming.'

The reason MIL won't have it the week after is because it's her sister's grandson's birthday party in the day time and the week after they are having a 'piss up' for all the adults of the family to celebrate the boy's 3rd birthday. Which I think is strange anyway.

I really don't want to go on my birthday, do I have to?

I'll probably end up going anyway but I wanted to ask on here.

OP posts:
snapple · 19/09/2009 18:18

Remember it is your choice to go or not to go - what does your body tell you to do?

cat64 · 19/09/2009 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnnieLobeseder · 19/09/2009 18:22

I like ingle's idea!

snapple · 19/09/2009 18:23

A bit of oprah psychobabble for you but when Seal was asked what his secret was in keeping the flame alive with him and Heidi Klum, Seal?s reply was to always put each other first.

TheBolter · 19/09/2009 18:27

I would just tell them to all bugger off and have a night in on my own. By going along with their plans you are telling them that it's OK to treat you with such disrespect. Nip in in the bud and don't tolerate it!

TheCrackFox · 19/09/2009 18:28

I think the problem is your DH not your MIL.

He is weak and spinless. Why isn't he putting you first?

TheBolter · 19/09/2009 18:29

BTW I agree that it's not as if you've made a massive plan for your birthday and therefore you could really do it at any time... but the way they seem to treat you as though you're inferior to them is slightly concerning.

TheBolter · 19/09/2009 18:29

Agree with Crackfox.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 19/09/2009 18:38

This is really tricky. It's your DHs families fault - they have organised this even though they knew your situation, that it's your birthday, that you had plans etc. They are being really selfish.

However I can see that your DH feels he should go to his sister's engagement party - if he is close to his family it's one of those things.

What he doesn't need to be doing is arguing about it - surely it's a "oh god what have they done now well I've got to go haven't I what a shame" type thing.

I also think that you should let him go and you go/not go depending on how you are feeling. Talk to himn about it properly. If he can't understand why you are upset then really I don't know what to say as it is obvious and he should be looking after you.

diddl · 19/09/2009 18:46

I think ingles has a good idea.

Do your birthday thing instead of your hubbys on that day.
Then he is in a way giving up his b/day celebrations for his sister, not you.

Try not to stress too much until you know what day it is.

snapple · 19/09/2009 18:46

and just to add - on the respect issue, if someone said to me that i was bloody well coming, well I don't think I would go, as it is not an invitation but a demand.

I really think that going to the event is going to be stressful and you and your unborn baby don't need anymore stress - do you? His family should understand and if they don't then it is not your problem but your dh's to sort out.

clam · 19/09/2009 18:54

Well, it might not seem like a massive plan for her birthday, but it is to her. It's what she's chosen to do, and is therefore as important as if they'd booked a night away in a posh hotel.
To be honest, I'm not even sure I'd want to go if the date was changed, but the OP has said that's not an issue.
I think she'd be setting (continuing?) a precedent if she goes. That they can walk all over her. In my family experience, it's the one who kicks up the most fuss who gets their way in life. 24 years and counting, actually.
So, if DH wants to put his sister before his pregnant, hormonal, bullied-at-work wife, who hw's promised a nice birthdya evening to, then let him go. Alone. I'd eat my own right hand rather than accompany him.

diddl · 19/09/2009 18:58

The trouble with hubby going alone is there´s then an excuse to "have a go" at OP.

I agree with you clam about the precedent.

That was set with her engagement party, IMO.

DesperateHousewifeToo · 19/09/2009 18:58

Get some of your friends to go to the engagement party too. Tell mil/sil that as they arranged the party on your birthday, you knew they would not mind turning it into a joint celebration.

And do the cake thing too

CarGirl · 19/09/2009 18:59

I do love ingles idea!

ToAnswerYourQuestion · 19/09/2009 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 19/09/2009 19:31

But if Op doesn´t go, will the ILs think she is being petty/small minded?

I suppose it´s not possible to go to the party for an hour & then leave?

OP, do you not want to go because it is your birthday, or because you don´t like your SIL?

ToAnswerYourQuestion · 19/09/2009 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snapple · 19/09/2009 19:44

I think the op can't worry about anyone thinking that she is petty and smallminde.she is pregnant and if they knew her back storey they should understand.

the op has to live her own life and look after herself.

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 19/09/2009 20:03

How pregnant are you TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied ? Can you not use the excuse you're too tired to attend a party ? I know when I was pregnant, I was too sick in the first 5 months of my pregnancy to contemplate going to a party, then the last 4 months I just felt washed out & tired.

Also, if I were you, I'd be telling DH that he can poke his party for his birthday somewhere the sun don't shine seeing as your birthday plans have now been ruined by him & his family !!!!

WhatFreshHellIsThis · 19/09/2009 20:19

It seems to me that the problem here is that your DH probably thinks of it as 'Well it's my sister's engagement party, of course we'll be there. Pity we'll have to cancel our plans, but can't be helped'

Whereas you know that the date clash is far from accidental, and could almost be termed deliberate, so you feel hurt and upset, and completely understandably.

Many men are rubbish at 'getting' family politics, so he might not see it as a deliberate snub, he just sees his sister's engagement party, iyswim.

So clearly, if they're trying to upset you and sow discord with your DH and you, don't give them the satisfaction. Go along, be smily and happy and jolly and loving with your DH. Don't let them ruin your weekend.

SwissCheese · 19/09/2009 20:36

Since it appears you are in a no-win situation I'd try the beat them at their own game.

As CarGirl says...Go with the sash, birthday ribbons, and get a bigger cake, and be the life and soul of the party telling them they made such a good choice of day since all the best people are special on that particular date! Happy Birthday to ME scenario....

Ask your DH to make you feel wonderful and negotiate the special day for you IN ADDITION to your actual birthday as an He Owes You BIG TIME.

Wish the happy couple well and be all smiles. After all, rise above the bad manners and lack of sensitivity. Go girl, be brave and know from all of us, we'd be giving you moral hugs all the way!!

Some families need managing and mine are just as bad - if not worse - trust me.

HerBeatitude · 19/09/2009 20:37

Blimey she's started Bridezilla-ing early.

Wait till it gets to the wedding.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 19/09/2009 20:51

Oh poor you, your DH is being a shit and his family sound scummy to say the least, I think the real problem is you are too nice, they disrespect you and turn you spinless hubby in to a yes mummy arse licker.

You need to familiarize yourself with the phrase "go fuck yourself" and use this each time they try to bully you

groundhogs · 20/09/2009 10:15

I'm with PricessToadstool.. it's not like it's their shagging wedding you are not coming to...

YANBU, you have plans, have organised them for ages, and if you REALLY have to give them a bloddy gift, it can be done in advance, or just after seperately.

Can you speak to the actual SIL who is the one getting engaged, and politely say, sorry, we are busy that day, but how about dinner another time? or whatever you would like to do with them??