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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find competitive parents and their children quite up themselves

31 replies

Danthe4th · 18/09/2009 20:50

We have been friends with a family across the road for nearly 10 years 2 of our children were close in age and good friends. But over the last year it has got to the point I can't stand them anymore, they are quite sporty as are we, but the difference is we do it for fun they have to win. I wouldn't mind but I have always brought my children up to be proud of their friends acheivements and to say well done if they do soemthing well, but they never do they never pay any interest in our children anymore or ask how they are, where as I do. I know the children are growing apart but thats fine.
The thing that really pissed me off was this morning when the son came running over to mine and said i'm going to james party and you're not, I was so proud of my ds7 when he turned round and said 'wow thats great but when its my b'day i'm going to invite both of you, is that ok mum'
I hope i've taught them well but in this day and age are all children going to be competitive and unpleasant.
God i've really waffled but thats been bugging me all day!!!

OP posts:
mumblechum · 18/09/2009 20:52

What a lovely lad you've brought up.

And if the other boy has any sensitivity at all he'll feel a prat.

Mybox · 18/09/2009 20:55

What a kind thing for your ds to say.

paisleyleaf · 18/09/2009 20:56

Your son's great

LackaDAISYcal · 18/09/2009 20:58

YANBU at all; competitve parenting is the pits.

and I can echo that it sounds like you have done a fab job with your DS if he is prepared to be so magnanimous at such a young age. Well done him

Squishabelle · 18/09/2009 20:59

Yes what a lovely thing for your ds to say. Competitive parents really pee me off and their children are usually not very likeable.

thirtysomething · 18/09/2009 21:04

IMHO people who competitively parent are insecure themselves and lacking in a sense of their own self-worth so they try to achieve validation through their kids' activites and don't care if it hurts other kids along the way! Your DS sounds a really balanced child who is kind and considerate about other people's feelings. That in itself is something to be hugely proud of as a parent - you've done a very good job of raising him to be a decent human being (silently, and without the need to shout it across the road!!!)

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/09/2009 21:04

What a lovely son you have! No comment on the other brat one though ...

KaDeWeh · 18/09/2009 21:10

Bless your DS!

And poo to the other child.

pigletmania · 18/09/2009 21:12

wow danthe4th want a lovely son you have raised, same could not be said for your neighbours. I hope that i do as good as job as you in raising our dd 2.6 years. The other lad sounds like a total brat, good on your boy for raising above such babyness. I hope that you congratulated your son and give him a small treat for being such a lovely boy.

pigletmania · 18/09/2009 21:16

i hate competative parents and their precocious brats kids

Pyrocanthus · 18/09/2009 21:17

What a nice son. You can only really rise above it, and distance yourself a bit from the other family.

OrmIrian · 18/09/2009 21:26

Problem is there is always someone further up themselves than they are. They just can't afford to let up.

Your lad beats them hands down at being a total sweetheart.

Original poster
Danthe4th · 18/09/2009 21:37

Thanks everyone I do feel proud of him, I didn't say anything to him at the time as I didn't want to make an issue of it, but I let him stay up for an extra hour tonight playing, when his little bro had gone to bed. I just wish that people could stop thinking just about themselves and their own lives it makes their children so selfish.

OP posts:
bradsmissus · 18/09/2009 21:56

You're so right. The competitive parents were in full swing on the first day of term. "What group is yours in for X,Y & Z? Mine is in the top group for maths, the teachers are really pleased with him"

Also one of DDs very sporty friends is a terrible loser. Proper sulking, and often crying when he doesn't win. We went bowling with his DPs once and I immediately saw where he got his competitiveness and sore losing from!!!! He gets really cross with my DD when she shrugs it of if she doesn't win something!

As everyone has alread said, your DS sounds lovely!

2rebecca · 18/09/2009 21:58

The other child was rude, not competitive.
I'm not anti competition, we do sports and although we rarely win or even come in the top half of the race/ event we still aspire to do our best, as do most of the people I know that do competetive sports.
It seems a bit pointless entering a race if you aren't going to try your best. Parents who seek proxy glory through their children are tedious though

pigletmania · 18/09/2009 23:07

Yes totally, competition is important look at the olympics, but there is a difference between being competative then being a bad sport and being rude and precocious. One can be competative and be a good looser.

Original poster
Danthe4th · 18/09/2009 23:58

rebecca I agree he was also rude, we do love competition, i'm a believer in a proper sports day as we all have to learn to lose and celebrate winning but its the way these parents have taught their children to compete. They are never happy when someone elses child does something fantastic, am I really so odd that I can also enjoy their happiness.Don't get me wrong I want my children to win and do well and be proud of it but not to rub it in other children's faces.Thats the difference.

OP posts:
poshsinglemum · 19/09/2009 02:16

They sound DREADFUL. Avoid, avoid, avoid.
Your son sounds great/ Well done you.

I never really got competetive sport. I enjoy doing sport for a laugh and to keep fit but this need to win at all costs is a bit derranged put me off for life.

thirtypence · 19/09/2009 02:50

I have been doing quite a lot of reading into gifted and talented for work - and here is NZ we value being emotionally gifted. It's a Maori thing. I reckon that your son would make the list for that.

I think it's important to be a good loser, but being a good winner is important.

Very often when a person gets something right it was because they were brilliant (in their mind) but when it goes wrong they find someone else to blame. There is no point being friends with a person like that!

UndomesticatedGoddess · 19/09/2009 07:10

DanThe4th you should be very proud of your son.

I have a friend like this and the competitiveness seeps in to every aspect of her life. She is very materialistic as well. Can't stand her eldest DS as he is quite nasty to my DS. Did a similar thing taunting him that he was having a party and my DS wasn't invited.

My DS generally handles it very well as he's a secure little thing. I do get upset for him though.

It is a low self esteem issue though, for both parents and children. I have realised that they will never truly be happy as they spend all their time working out
a) how to show off to people they think they are better than
b) how to impress people they think are better than themselves.

I know it's not right but DH and I often chuckle at their ridiculous behaviour. Like when they threw a strop because they'd lost the 'make a vehicle out of a vegetable' competition at the village fair and they asked for the judges to look at them again

skihorse · 19/09/2009 08:52

YANBU

What a lovely boy you've raised!

I have a great admiration for my boyfriend who although is no academic genius is always top of the class with his EQ and I will forever be learning from him!

pigletmania · 19/09/2009 08:57

Dan this family sounds dreadful, and the child not very well brought up and rude and inpolite. Sounds like self esteem like other posters have said, has to put others down in order to feel good about himself. That really reflects on their bad parenting really.

DoNotBringLulu · 19/09/2009 10:04

Well, I think competition is important.

Your neighbour would do well to channel their competitive spirit into joining sporty activities where winning is important - or you won't get the trophy or the prestige, as a team everybody wants to win, otherwise no point in doing it.

The neighbours could try to improve their dc's social skills, but kids don't know how to channel their competitiveness. It's not necessary to be turning being invited to a party into a competition, but that's a parenting matter for the neighbours. Sounds like you are doing well.

If you are not competitive with other people - I am not at all, I would be useless at team sports because I don't care enough - it is important I think to be self-competitive. My ds hates competitive sport but I try to encourage him to do the best he possibly can and to be a relentless self-improver.

katiestar · 19/09/2009 14:03

Did either of the parents go to a private school by any chance (genuine question )?

beaniesinthebucketagain · 19/09/2009 16:25

the boy, james whos party it was, wouldnt happen to have 3 sisters would he? cuz im through to the back teeth with competition too!!!!