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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Not Constantly Pander To 17 Year Old DD Who Broke Her Leg Skydiving?

31 replies

boolifooli · 18/09/2009 19:03

She has been skydiving for about a year and often goes abroad with her dad. In August she broke her leg badly and is still on crutches. While I am doing wht I should do, and clearly need to do, ie lifts to sixth form and what not should I be fussing over her all the time around the house, she seems to think I should. I feel that if it's her choice to do something so dangerous which she KNOWS I wish she wouldn't, should we be expected to mollycoddle her when it goes wrong even though I had 2 small children, one with ongoing medical problems? Give it to me straight...

OP posts:
Tortington · 18/09/2009 19:05

i wouldn't let my 17 yo go skydiving

that said you are completely in the right

mamas12 · 18/09/2009 19:05

She should getting around on her own.
Look at Tanni Grey Thompson, she is disable athlete and she had to make her own way around her own house from a very early age and built self confidence and independence in abundance.

Spidermama · 18/09/2009 19:07

Hmmm. Depends whether there's an element of punitive I-told-you-so-ness on your part which would indeed be a little unpleasant and perhaps hurtful.

I can't help wondering if you are also annoyed with her dad?

It's horrible and upsetting to break your leg. It's devastating to think your mum doesn't care about something so big.

So yes I think YABU.

If I were you I'd try to put my irritation aside, show her you care, but also make her realise you're busy on other things too.

Either that or make her dad to all the looking after since it happened on his watch.

Hassled · 18/09/2009 19:07

There's very little worse than a teenage girl who is "ill". Worse than the man-flu bollocks, IME. So no, YANBU. Time for tough love - do what is obviously necessary, no more.

Greensleeves · 18/09/2009 19:09

"tough love" my arse, nothing loving about it IMO

I think YABU in your attitude, although I appreciate that you have a lot on your plate

if she was my dd I would mollycoddle her as much as I could

Hando · 18/09/2009 19:10

I'd help her out but not go over the top. If she is just being lazy then tell her to do things herself. One broken leg doesn't mean you have to be sat on your butt all day.

Why wouldn't yo let your 17 yr old go skydiving Cutlasscusty? Is it more dangerous when yo are 17 than when you are 18, 19 or 20?

Actually, something that completely contradicts my point to Cutlasscusty - a friend of mine (22) went skydiving for the first time and the plane crashed and they all died. Which is why I would never go skydiving now.

laweaselmys · 18/09/2009 19:11

I imagine breaking her leg was actually a big shock for her, in terms of realising how dangerous what she was doing is (she is a teenager after all) that actually she could have died (very odd realisation moment for anyone to have no matter how old they are and what happened to cause it) and maybe she wants a bit of mum comfort, and it is worth giving her some if she is actually upset.

On the side of what you do for her, let her know that since she put herself in a position of danger on purpose her needs come further down the list than those of the younger DC on this occasion!

piscesmoon · 18/09/2009 19:11

I would mollycoddle her too-I would just be so pleased that it wasn't worse.

Spidermama · 18/09/2009 19:11

I remember getting a really severe pain in my neck one morning which seemed to come from nowhere. Anyone who has had this neck pain will no what I mean. It contracts leaving you in absolute agony.

It was the worst pain I'd ever been in and I was really frightened. I remember crying out in fear and pain then watchin in horror my parents come downstairs rolling their eyes.

They continued with this disinterest, bordering on sceptisism throughout the porcess of taking me to hospital and beyond.

I can honestly say something in me said, 'Well fuck them then' at that point. I learned a hard lesson that they couldn't really give a fuck about me and didn't believe my pain. I honestly think they broke trust and we have never been as close again.

Careful OP. You don't want your dd to end up on the Stately Homes threads one day talking about you.

Hando · 18/09/2009 19:12

Actually, that was a little insensitive if me - I gues you were worrying about her doing it already. Sorry OP.

Spidermama · 18/09/2009 19:12

This is a seminal time for your dd.

She will always remember it so my advice is to avoid a relationship fuck up, dig deep, and nurse.

Morloth · 18/09/2009 19:15

My DH ribbed me horribly about my knee, he was quite right it is bloody stupid when you do something dangerous and have a predictable outcome.

He also looked after me really well and got me stuff and made sure I was comfy and sorted out childcare etc.

So do both, look after her as much as you can cause you love her, but make sure she knows how you feel about getting hurt skydiving!

katiestar · 18/09/2009 19:24

Your DD has had a serious accident abroad.This must have been a very traumatic experience from her.I don't think this is the time to be trying to teach her a lesson.Bite your tongue and do as much as you are able to make her comfortable, and do it with good grace.

cory · 18/09/2009 19:25

I'd molly-coddle.

If you rub her nose in it now, how willing do you think she will be to listen to you next time?

Sometimes the most valuable lesson is, 'my Mum loves me so much that she is prepared to forget everything else and just be happy that I am alive'.

cory · 18/09/2009 19:25

She is 17 and has had her first brush with death. This is not the time to come over all heavy-handed.

Hando · 18/09/2009 19:27

Breaking her leg isn't necessarily a "brish with death" cory - that's a bit dramatic! She probably just landed in an awkward way.

piscesmoon · 18/09/2009 19:28

I think it is a shame that you let her know that you don't like the sky diving. Mine do all sorts of things that have risk, I hate it but I would never let them know.

Hando · 18/09/2009 19:28

"brush" I mean not "brish"

diddl · 18/09/2009 19:30

I can´t help thinking you should only be doing what is necessary, TBH.

Didn´t she have to have parental consent as she is younger than 18?

I think hubby should be looking after her!

cat64 · 18/09/2009 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
boolifooli · 18/09/2009 19:55

Don't get me wrong, I love her very much and I have never said anything along the lines of 'I told you so', it hadn't occured to me.

I'm in no way witholding love of that I am sure, I just find it a bit much to swallow that she wants me to fuss over her in ways that are not necessary or convenient. What I'm talking about is the pandering, the unecessary stuff, the stuff she doesn't need doing, i.e she wants to be able to stay later at her boyfriends and get later lifts from me than before because 'I have a broken leg'? She actually adds that to the end of requests when she knows I am reluctant and I do feel she may be taking the mick a bit.

Yes, the ex is an arse, and I have very legitimate reasons for those feelings but I realise that for all his faults he loves his kids and was very upset about the mishap.

I do want her to live fully but the ex's best friend died skydiving some years ago so no one can blame me for not thinking it's the bees knees.

I do wish he was about more to take up the slack, (or pandy to the stroppy teen whatever your persuasion), but he never has been, why would he now...

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 18/09/2009 19:59

You're giving her lifts to sixth form, so she's not so bad that she can't go to school. When you say "fussing over her all the time", what do you mean by fussing? I would probably fetch and carry a little from upstairs because doing stairs with crutches can be quite an effort, but other than that what sort of fussing does she expect of you?

You have two smaller children, does she feel in competition with for your attention, and could this need for fussing be her way of (unconsciously) trying to get more? If your child with ongoing health problems gets more she could feel you're being biased not to give it to her when she feels she's in need.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/09/2009 20:00

oops, x-posted

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/09/2009 20:02

Nah, those sorts of requests are just a try-on aren't they? YANBU.

QuintessentialShadows · 18/09/2009 20:03

So, she went abroad skydiving with your dad in august, broke her leg, and please tell me, why does she not reconvalesce at her dads? Or have I misunderstood?

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