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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so peeved that we spend approx £1400 a month on childcare

675 replies

couture1 · 17/09/2009 16:44

I know I have to pay for the service but it leaves me with little left over each month and we need to salaries to get by. I dont want to give up work as 1 cant afford to and 2 Im hoping that when 3dc are at school in 3 years time we will be better off each month - but how do we manage until then?

Rant rant rant

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 20/09/2009 14:03

Nah, you will be a teacher of Immense Sageness and Influence and guide lots of young lives and inspire love of your subject and decent clothes

Or you'll be one of those teachers that shapes schools and become a head of influence and majesty and become a Force at the HMC

You're just having start of term chaos/blues, I reckon

NoahDear · 20/09/2009 14:04

thats really comfortin q.
realy. thanks.
I do like teens a LOT.

Quattrocento · 20/09/2009 14:09

If you like teens a lot you're a born teacher, for sure. They terrify me! Especially the silent boys.

NoahDear · 20/09/2009 14:10

lol
oohrl mate on here had stalkery thing with one of those
will get her to tell you
its amazing

sarah293 · 20/09/2009 14:11

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BonsoirAnna · 20/09/2009 14:18

I think that segment causes resentment because it is composed of rich people who have materially (very) comfortable lives, much more so than average; and because people within it have a lot of choice, and often a lot of power. I don't think that the resentment is so much directed at "working women" or is anti-feminist so much as just plain old envy! But since envy is an inadmissible emotion, it is easier to say that their children suffer from not seeing their parents (which is sometimes true, though I don't think that the children of such parents have nearly such a tough time in life as the children of the economically and socially disadvantaged).

sarah293 · 20/09/2009 14:37

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Morloth · 20/09/2009 14:46

And while we are at each other's throats about this men continue to rule the world.

thedolly · 20/09/2009 14:47

From what I can see people on here defend their 'choice' when it seems that others are belittling their best efforts.

When it comes to decisions, it is best to make an 'informed' one. MN is a useful resource for finding out about a wide range of family set ups. Even when the debate is 'fierce' there is useful information to be gleaned.

It is helpful when processing the information gleaned if you can identify those posters with chips on their shoulders, those with 'extreme' circumstances, those with self esteem issues and those with huge egos.

Doing so will enable you to keep all 'advice' in context and to identify which bits are useful to you.

I suppose what I am saying is let the debate rage on .

sarah293 · 20/09/2009 14:48

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BonsoirAnna · 20/09/2009 14:55

My DP is totally involved in all issues about bringing up the children - it's his exW who couldn't care less where they go to school etc!

AnnieLobeseder · 20/09/2009 15:20

Riven - that's what I meant when I said that if NoahDear wanted everything else done she's have to be a man.

Lovely as my DH is, everything to do with running the house and kids is left to me. Sigh.....

loobylu3 · 20/09/2009 15:22

riven-good luck in finding a job. I think you are right that most men don't seem to agonise about childcare decisions and the details of their children's education, etc in the same way that most women do.

sarah293 · 20/09/2009 15:27

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TheFallenMadonna · 20/09/2009 15:29

Well, DH doesn't agonise over these things, because there's not much he does agonise over really. It's not him. I'm the handwringer of the partnership. He's interested in it though. In fact, as he'st he one who takes the children to school, and I pick them up from after school club, he has far more contact with school stuff than I.

loobylu3 · 20/09/2009 15:45

The pixies do the housework here too! My DH is a lovely father too but doesen't do any agonising about dull things like clean PE kits, school trips, baking cakes, etc, etc!

Quattrocento · 20/09/2009 16:09

DH does the kitbags and the laundry. I do the baking. That's a good deal, no?

Morloth · 20/09/2009 16:20

Is it terribly unfeminist of me to not want DH involved in most of the day to day kid/house stuff? I like things done the way I like them done. He couldn't give a fuck if we lived in a hovel and ate gruel everynight, it what was one of the things that attracted me too him.

I am a control freak and he doesn't care so we do what I like.

foxinsocks · 20/09/2009 17:28

lol Morloth

dh does get involved and think about childcare decisions but mainly because we both work full time so not having childcare would affect us both. He also drops off at school so organises them (well I say organise...more like get up late and screech, but hell they get there )

But like TheFallenMadonna, I'm the one that wakes up at 4am in tears when it's all falling apart.

But some might say we bring that upon ourselves!

Quattrocento · 20/09/2009 17:32

I think you all need to delegate more. The secret of delegating to men does involve them thinking they have a semblance of a say in what is going on. And you will have to reconcile yourselves to the fact that they won't do it as well as you do.

But y'know with a lot of coaching and a fair bit of positive reinforcement here and there, men can eventually become capable of sorting out matches and kitbags and breakfasts and school drop-offs. Takes a year or two, but they get there in the end.

TheFallenMadonna · 20/09/2009 17:36

But weeping at 4am doesn't solve any childcare issues really. I'd rather be like DH TBH. I don't think anything would fall apart if I were. It's not like he doesn't do things. Apart from meals. I read something in the Sunday Times last week about "the tyranny of meals" - and I thought God yes! I love cooking - but I just have less time now. And the pixies certainly plan, shop for and prepare meals in this house. That is the one thing DH just doesn't get.

Quattrocento · 20/09/2009 17:42

Honestly this is not right. Waking up crying at 4am. S'not blardy right. SOmething seriously amiss here. I mean, why are you losing precious hours of sleep to cry "when it's all falling apart". You are taking too much ownership.

If it's going to fall apart then blardy well let it for once and just make sure that everyone does the jobs they are supposed to do next time. It's not worth losing any sleep over.

sarah293 · 20/09/2009 18:05

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foxinsocks · 20/09/2009 18:11

oh yes so easy to say Quat!

I'm not asking for sympathy, it's just a matter of fact. We just had a v stressful week last week (old nanny ended up in hospital with potentially v serious problem which upset us all terribly, new nanny went off with mumps, dh about to step on a plane to go overseas and me with a board meeting to sort out, ds's first football game etc. etc.) and although, yes, both of us took steps to sort the whole situation out, it was me who woke up in a state just because it all got too much.

Sometimes it does. Maybe twice a year. That's all. I'm not saying I am the one taking OWNERSHIP, that's not right. But sometimes, things don't work out and it all gets a bit stressful. And that is life quite frankly when you have 2 people trying to juggle full time jobs and nannies and children and everything. That is just life! Best laid plans and all that.

brettgirl2 · 20/09/2009 18:14

"Is it terribly unfeminist of me to not want DH involved in most of the day to day kid/house stuff?"

Feminism IMO is about men and women having equal rights to follow the path they want. Therefore if this is the choice you make and DH is also happy with it then you can still qualify as a feminist .

It makes me when people talk about it being wrong to begrudge the cost of childcare. That's all very well, but people can't afford it. This is in stark contrast to those on benefits who get more money and bigger houses the more children they have. I don't want to get into a judgey-type argument about it but it seems quite an odd state of affairs to me.