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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my foot down and insist Christmas day is spent at home?

86 replies

FatherChristmasLittleHelper · 15/09/2009 08:58

sorry i know it's early but every summer/starting to turn autum this problem arrises

basicially us and the inlaws want to have xmas day at our own houses.
but having everyone else over.
we normally see my side of the family boxing day

we have a toddler, who still naps in the afternoon.

we woudl like to have it here so our toddler can stay in her pjs till lunchtime if he wants, he will have all his toys here,can spend all day opening his presents if he likes, will be able to have a decent nap afetr lunch in his own cot,and then when he goes to bed at 7-8pm the partys not over.
as we won't have to come home, we can just put him upstairs to bed.

also we want our son to have happy memories of being at home at christmas.

the first year when my son was born we hosted christmas day here, the second year they sort of guilt triped us into having it there, by saying they really wanted it at there house as they had had a terrible year, they had a few fallouts with people
so we agreed.
now we are worried we have set a presedence
and when ds finally went settled for a nap fil put the queens speech on full blast! and woke him up and ds spend all afternoon grouchy and clingly to me sucking his thumb because he was tired then we went home about 7ish then that was it.

so now mil said last week,
are you goign to your family boxing day? i said expect so, so she replied what and coming here xmas day, in an assumed kind of way.
we replied well it would be easier to have to at home because ds will have all this things here, be able to nap and when he goes to bed we can carry on.
to which she replies well i don't want to put you on the spot.
so kinda avoided saying they will come to ours iyswim

anyway this awkwardness happens every year, i even posted about it last year
ffs
we would just like a tradition so every year we know what we are doing and theres none of this awkwardness
we also feel its good for us all to be together on christmas day

but what i want to know is do you think its unreasonable for us to put our foot down and say basically from now on we are spending christmas day at home because of said reasons, we would love you to join us.
ps i don't mind splittong boxing day or any other days, like if the inlaws wanted us to gno to theres for tea on boxing day

or we could go there on christmas eve or day afetr boxing or whenever really.

and if you think iam not bu, how the feel how we tell the inlaws?a

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 15/09/2009 09:04

"we want our son to have happy memories of being at home at christmas."

If he's a toddler he won't remember. That doesn't count as an argument.

YANBU to want to have Christmas at home. Your in-laws don't sound unreasonable, nor do they sound like they are forcing or guilt-tripping anyone.

Why not say (and actually say it) that you really want to do it at yours this year. Then next year you can decide what you want to do. Eventually he won't be having naps and you will have to think about why you apparently want to do it at yours every year.

BonsoirAnna · 15/09/2009 09:06

It's too late for this year, but you actually need to think up a plan for Christmas before everybody else and to pre-empt them by inviting them to your house before they have any time to invite you.

Original poster
FatherChristmasLittleHelper · 15/09/2009 09:09

invite them them in the spring!

and we wasn't asked in a would you like to come here way, it hard to describe on here but it was so your coming here then assumed way.

oh dear, i have a horrible feeling i'll be psoting this next year too.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 15/09/2009 09:09

Have it at yours and have your family to you on the day then go to in-laws on Boxing Day. You have my sympathy - my out-laws think we should 'take turns' and spend every other Xmas with them. I say every year is our turn
This year we are spending Xmas abroad with my folks and they are livid. I care not.....

PrincessToadstool · 15/09/2009 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blackduck · 15/09/2009 09:10

This is precisely why we go away....

lucky1979 · 15/09/2009 09:13

YANBU - have always thought that the families with the small children get to make the decisions about where they pend Xmas then the rest of the family can fit in (or not) as they choose.

Original poster
FatherChristmasLittleHelper · 15/09/2009 09:14

good idea blackduck, do you go somewhere hot?

feel really bad about this, don't want to be mean just sick of this same awkwardness flipping every year

OP posts:
MrsBadger · 15/09/2009 09:15

yanbu to want to do christmas at home this year

yabu to say that is how it will be every other year for ever and ever

Anna is quite right, you know

Original poster
FatherChristmasLittleHelper · 15/09/2009 09:17

it so difficult because they are difficult people to talk to, like when mil assumed we are going there, and say your coming here then, and we said we woudl rather have it at our house because xyz, she just replied well don't want to out you on the spot and then thats it.

theres no sort of normal talking about it iyswim.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 15/09/2009 09:17

How far away are they? Can you spend part of the day with them?

Can you invite them to yours?

Sorry, but I do think that Christmas is a lot about compromise. Most people have family obligations at Christmas and can't do a lot about it. I think it is nice to have grandparents around at Christmas and your description of your toddler 'staying in his pyjamas and spending all day opening his presents' is rather blue-sky thinking: chances are it will all be over by 7.30 and he'll be hysterical like everyone else under the age of 12. Grandparents help break the day up, and it's lovely for them to see him too.

I think you need to compromise somehow.

Original poster
FatherChristmasLittleHelper · 15/09/2009 09:18

they are not far away 15 min drive.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 15/09/2009 09:19

Why not go to them after his nap, or before his nap, so he spends his nap at home? Then you can have half the day with them.

He might have grown out of his nap by Christmas of course.

pooter · 15/09/2009 09:21

I think having it at yours and inviting the inlaws over is very reasonable - up to them if they come, and you went to theirs last year. After this year, your toddler will be older and you can use the 'memories at christmas at ours' argument!

We have a problem that my parents live 4hrs away and the inlaws live 6hrs away in the opposite direction - plus there's my bro and his family to fit in with somehow. This christmas will see us travel up to my parents for xmas eve and xmas morning, then drive all the way down to my inlaws' on xmas day while im 7mo pregnant, and with a toddler. Im not happy about it, but dont know how to please everyone.

Next year its at our house - people welcome, but its a vegetarian household - so no meat allowed! Unfortunately this is likely to put my dad off more than my inlaws!

By the way, what does your DH have to say about it?

morningpaper · 15/09/2009 09:21

A vegetarian christmas invite! Talk about a poisoned chalice

pooter · 15/09/2009 09:24
Grin
Blackduck · 15/09/2009 09:25

FCLH - yes, will be sitting on a beach in Goa...

MadameCastafiore · 15/09/2009 09:26

FFs your son is a child not a ball and chain!

He will have happy memories of christmas regardless of where he is and even if he is at home they stop sticking to a rigid routine when there are lots of people around and fun toys to play with.

You are being unreasonable and selfish and saying that there is no taking about it is laughable - there is no point in talking about it because you have made up your mind haven't you?

Sassybeast · 15/09/2009 09:26

Family is for all year - not just for Christmas Day YANBU to stay at home on your own. That's what we do after a couple of years of being bullied/guilt tripped into doing what other people wanted. now it's just us and it's fab

Original poster
FatherChristmasLittleHelper · 15/09/2009 09:27

dh wants me to talk to mil.

he wants to have it have it home because of the reason that ds can spoend all day opening presents if he likes, unlike last year when we whererushingto go out.
and for the nap reasons and for the fact when ds goes bed we can carry on the party as such.

also as its nicer to be in your own hoime and not have to turn out in the cold and you can haver a drink etc

but also feels like its nice for us all to be together
basically he feel exatley the same as me.

but hes doesn't want to talk to them, but like i say they are very difficult to talk to, and they can get offended.
and when you try to talk to them they don't really reply

OP posts:
morningpaper · 15/09/2009 09:28

Why no go to them for the morning?

A whole day stuck in the house in December with a hyper 3 year old is crap

Your bigger problem however, is that your husband wants YOU to talk to HIS mother

Original poster
FatherChristmasLittleHelper · 15/09/2009 09:30

madame, i would love to be able to talk to them about it, but when we tried and explained why we wanted to have it at our house, the only reply was well don't want to put you on the spot.
end of conversation.

OP posts:
UnquietDad · 15/09/2009 09:31

Gawd, I'd love to get away for Christmas. Escape the whole malarkey for two weeks in the sun. Even if I had to take the family.

thehairybabysmum · 15/09/2009 09:31

I like xmas day at ours now we have the boys. I just say to both sets of GP's that i like Father Christmas to come down my chimney for the boys. Eveeryone welcome to come to us though.

Original poster
FatherChristmasLittleHelper · 15/09/2009 09:31

mp, i see your point.
i have told dh he should be the one to talk to them.

OP posts:
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