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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my foot down and insist Christmas day is spent at home?

86 replies

FatherChristmasLittleHelper · 15/09/2009 08:58

sorry i know it's early but every summer/starting to turn autum this problem arrises

basicially us and the inlaws want to have xmas day at our own houses.
but having everyone else over.
we normally see my side of the family boxing day

we have a toddler, who still naps in the afternoon.

we woudl like to have it here so our toddler can stay in her pjs till lunchtime if he wants, he will have all his toys here,can spend all day opening his presents if he likes, will be able to have a decent nap afetr lunch in his own cot,and then when he goes to bed at 7-8pm the partys not over.
as we won't have to come home, we can just put him upstairs to bed.

also we want our son to have happy memories of being at home at christmas.

the first year when my son was born we hosted christmas day here, the second year they sort of guilt triped us into having it there, by saying they really wanted it at there house as they had had a terrible year, they had a few fallouts with people
so we agreed.
now we are worried we have set a presedence
and when ds finally went settled for a nap fil put the queens speech on full blast! and woke him up and ds spend all afternoon grouchy and clingly to me sucking his thumb because he was tired then we went home about 7ish then that was it.

so now mil said last week,
are you goign to your family boxing day? i said expect so, so she replied what and coming here xmas day, in an assumed kind of way.
we replied well it would be easier to have to at home because ds will have all this things here, be able to nap and when he goes to bed we can carry on.
to which she replies well i don't want to put you on the spot.
so kinda avoided saying they will come to ours iyswim

anyway this awkwardness happens every year, i even posted about it last year
ffs
we would just like a tradition so every year we know what we are doing and theres none of this awkwardness
we also feel its good for us all to be together on christmas day

but what i want to know is do you think its unreasonable for us to put our foot down and say basically from now on we are spending christmas day at home because of said reasons, we would love you to join us.
ps i don't mind splittong boxing day or any other days, like if the inlaws wanted us to gno to theres for tea on boxing day

or we could go there on christmas eve or day afetr boxing or whenever really.

and if you think iam not bu, how the feel how we tell the inlaws?a

OP posts:
Original poster
FatherChristmasLittleHelper · 15/09/2009 09:33

going to goa sounds so tempting.
shame we can'tafford it.

OP posts:
pooter · 15/09/2009 09:33

ooh, i would be very wary of acting as a go between for your DH. His parents = his awkward conversation - otherwise your MIL will just see you as the 'troublemaker'.

morningpaper · 15/09/2009 09:33

Who else goes to theirs? Why can't they come to yours?

MadameCastafiore · 15/09/2009 09:34

But you are basically saying that you are going to have it at home regardless aren;t you.

I have 2 kids a 9 year old and a 5 year old and believe me they do not appreciate all of those presents that they just open one after another, they appreciate custom and seeing their family and their cousins and nans and granpas and not being sdtuck in the house all day.

What the hell is wrong with you letting him open his santa gifts in the morning then letting him open the others on Boxing Day morning or when you get home mid afternoon? He will play with each one and appreciate it far more.

Eevrything you say is basically just saying it is going to be your way or the highway so you are being inflexible and unreasonable - have the guts to tell your ILs that there will be no discussion - you have decided to have christmas at home and they can fall into line or not spend it with you - because that is what you are saying.

Original poster
FatherChristmasLittleHelper · 15/09/2009 09:35

noone else.
and everyone would be very very welcome to our house

OP posts:
Original poster
FatherChristmasLittleHelper · 15/09/2009 09:37

well if that was the case madame , we wouldn't have gone there last year.

i really would love nothing more than a proper conversation about it, but like i said when we tried to expain why it would be easier at our house, mil ended the conversation.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 15/09/2009 09:37

Hmm well then don't worry about it

I assumed they were having other people at theirs

Just make it VERY CLEAR that they are invited to yours - send a friendly note saying "We would be very pleased if you could join us for Christmas Day lunch from 12 noon...." or something

Then they can take it or bugger off

If they say no then maybe suggest going to theirs for an early supper e.g. 5o'clock or something or meeting for a walk in the afternoon

Firawla · 15/09/2009 09:37

well you went last yr so just tell them that, and this yr is your turn you would rather stay @ home, you would love them to join you
and deal with next yr when it comes

morningpaper · 15/09/2009 09:38

But yes this is REALLY LATE IN THE DAY

we sort ours out two years in advance

pooter · 15/09/2009 09:41

well personally i'm looking forward to creating some christmas traditions just for our little family - not excluding anyone else at all, but certainly centred around our house on the big day.

I think you are in a good position of only being 15mins away, so you could have xmas morning at yours, then visit the inlaws for a bit, then go home again - or some variation. Or the inlaws could come to see him open his presents, then bugger off?

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all for wanting christmas at your house. you are still inviting them over if they want to come.

Original poster
FatherChristmasLittleHelper · 15/09/2009 09:42

omg is this really late in the day?
your kidding me?

i think i will say to dh hes the one that needs to say it tbh, as i suppose it will be be thats painted as the baddie

OP posts:
Original poster
FatherChristmasLittleHelper · 15/09/2009 09:43

yes they will be more than welcome, we would love them to come.

OP posts:
GlibGib · 15/09/2009 09:45

I vote visit them in morning, lovely for you all to be together. Come home put DS for nap and relax the rest of the day. Sounds perfect to me. At the risk of sounding like a bad Cliff Richard song - Christmas is about family....go on, give a little

hotcrossbunny · 15/09/2009 09:51

I think you are B slightly U but so are they.

We decided the only way we could make it 'fair' with our families would be to take it in turns to host.

We live in the South, my parents are 4 hours up the East coast, MIL 5 hours up the West coast and my dsis lives up North. Much as I would love to be in my own home each Christmas, our family all feel the same way. As I want my dd to have a good relationship with the extended family, we travel....

Maybe this year you might have to find some sort of compromise, but then work it out for next year really early so no-one lives in false hope.

pigsinmud · 15/09/2009 09:52

Oh crikey - we got stuck in this problem a few years ago. Mil is divorced and our children are her only grandchildren, however she is a right royal pita and chritmas with her is awful.

Do what you want. It is not too late for this year it's only September for goodness sake.

BexieID · 15/09/2009 09:56

YANBU to want to do your own thing at xmas.

We put my MIL on the spot on Sunday as DC2 is due xmas day and an elective section has been suggested and i'm not sure if i'd feel upto going out round to theirs and having to walk up/down stairs for the loo. We live in a flat, so don't have that problem. SIL lives next door to us and we're going to ask her if she'd host xmas at hers with both of us sharing the cooking.

We did that the 1st xmas as Tom was 8 months, 2nd xmas we spent at PIL and last year it was supposed to be at ours and SIL but BIL decided he wanted his last xmas up here at 'home' . PIL were ill and forgot to do any roast potatoes and I hate mash, so was quite upset!

DP just said if we don't have it at SILs then we're not going to them xmas day. I feel quite bad now though as I said I didn't want to goto theirs if I had a section, not that I didn't want to go round full stop. We actually open all the pressies at PIL at lunch time.

Obviously, I could actually be in having DC2 on xmas day, so would do xmas at new year (like we've been doing anyway ). My parents live 400 miles away and unless I do have a e-section, then I won't be seeing them till January/February.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/09/2009 10:05

The thing is, children grow up and their behaviour and needs change. So it's fair enough to want to have Xmas at your own home this year but next year will be different.
ANd with your MIL, just say, 'Fine, we'll be aat ours then, would love to see you in the morning/for lunch/whatever.'
When people try to manipulate you by being awkard, dropping hints and leaving long silences, don't rise to it, just tell them calmly and cheerfully what's going to happen this year and change the subject.

Original poster
FatherChristmasLittleHelper · 15/09/2009 10:09

sgb, do you think, when we explained the reasons xyz why it was easier for us to be at home, she she replied with well don't want to put you on the spot and ended the conversation.
she was trying to manipulate us?

OP posts:
thehairybabysmum · 15/09/2009 10:18

Have just realised that you in laws are local, mine arent so we need to stay away when visiting. Why cant you jsut pop in for a couple of hours or tea once your dc has napped??

re your last post, surely your MIL is being nice by saying 'don't want to put you on the spot and ended the conversation'.?? As they live so near surely it is easy to please everyone, plus as others have said tis always good to get out of the house with a toddler!

MavisGrind · 15/09/2009 10:19

Perhaps - and going out on a limb here - she was just saying "I don't want to put you on the spot" in a "Heavens it's only September lets just see how we all feel in a couple of months and whether dgs is still napping and all that..."

It sounds like you have a (perhaps really reasonable) issue with your MIL and you could be reading all sorts into a throw away comment.

MavisGrind · 15/09/2009 10:20

Obviously not that much of a limb as hairybabysmum got there first

Original poster
FatherChristmasLittleHelper · 15/09/2009 10:23

oh i'm not saying it about that particular line, "oh don't want to put you on the spot"
i don't find that at all off of course.
but more the way she ended the conversation, when we where explaining why its easier for us at home.

and tbh i was really reply to sbg comments of "When people try to manipulate you by being awkard, dropping hints and leaving long silences, don't rise to it"

OP posts:
Original poster
FatherChristmasLittleHelper · 15/09/2009 10:25

oh and they brought the whoile christmas thing up, so i don't think it was a hevens its only september thing

OP posts:
thedollshouse · 15/09/2009 10:28

Just say to her "Oh thought we had better get the Christmas arrangements sorted, we are having it at home but we would love it if you could join us".

We don't have this problem as we have it at our house every year. People get so funny about Christmas, MIL assumed that it would always be at hers following her traditions so we had to explain that we want to spend it in our family home, they are welcome to join us but choose not to.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/09/2009 10:33

OP: Well you kept on about how 'difficult' she is to talk to so I assumed she was manipulative. My advice still stands, tell her what you've decided then change the subject.