To put my foot down and insist Christmas day is spent at home?

[FatherChristmasLittleHelper]

sorry i know it's early but every summer/starting to turn autum this problem arrises

basicially us and the inlaws want to have xmas day at our own houses.
but having everyone else over.
we normally see my side of the family boxing day

we have a toddler, who still naps in the afternoon.

we woudl like to have it here so our toddler can stay in her pjs till lunchtime if he wants, he will have all his toys here,can spend all day opening his presents if he likes, will be able to have a decent nap afetr lunch in his own cot,and then when he goes to bed at 7-8pm the partys not over.
as we won't have to come home, we can just put him upstairs to bed.

also we want our son to have happy memories of being at home at christmas.

the first year when my son was born we hosted christmas day here, the second year they sort of guilt triped us into having it there, by saying they really wanted it at there house as they had had a terrible year, they had a few fallouts with people
so we agreed.
now we are worried we have set a presedence
and when ds finally went settled for a nap fil put the queens speech on full blast! and woke him up and ds spend all afternoon grouchy and clingly to me sucking his thumb because he was tired then we went home about 7ish then that was it.

so now mil said last week,
are you goign to your family boxing day? i said expect so, so she replied what and coming here xmas day, in an assumed kind of way.
we replied well it would be easier to have to at home because ds will have all this things here, be able to nap and when he goes to bed we can carry on.
to which she replies well i don't want to put you on the spot.
so kinda avoided saying they will come to ours iyswim

anyway this awkwardness happens every year, i even posted about it last year
ffs
we would just like a tradition so every year we know what we are doing and theres none of this awkwardness
we also feel its good for us all to be together on christmas day

but what i want to know is do you think its unreasonable for us to put our foot down and say basically from now on we are spending christmas day at home because of said reasons, we would love you to join us.
ps i don't mind splittong boxing day or any other days, like if the inlaws wanted us to gno to theres for tea on boxing day

or we could go there on christmas eve or day afetr boxing or whenever really.

and if you think iam not bu, how the feel how we tell the inlaws?a

OP-
have you ever had a Christmas Day that is just you, hubby and child?

Do you see your parents Christmas Day or always ILs?

thanks sgb, yes we do find her difficult to talk too.

diddl, we have never spent christmas day with my family or just us.
but i don't mind seeing them on boxing day or whatever

Well, there´s always a first!

Don´t you mind always seeing your hubby´s parents and not yours?

I need to sort out Christmas soon I think.

I do wish everyone lived nearer but we are in Bedfordshire, PIL in Oxford and my mum and dad in Liverpool. When DD was tiny everyone came here which was lovely. Would like that to happen again but not sure it is possible.

i think your lucky

15 min drive, someone else cooking, cant your ds do without a nap for one day?

i have to stay at my inlaws as they are 7 hours away

i hate staying at someone else's house

i think you are lucky, at least you all get to wake up in your own bed
just tell them you'll pop over for a cuppa after his nap if it really irks you

Just load him up with sweets earlier in the day so he doesn't need his nap.

Stop worrying about nap times/bedtimes, it is Christmas Day!

If it were me I would go to their place to save the hassle of cooking and cleaning up.

We are going to the pub this Christmas I think. I will be really pregnant, it is our last one here and no-one is due to come visit, soooooo not cooking.

Love your name Idris....we bought an Ivor dvd 2 weeks ago. DS1 absolutely loves it...and the dragon ones are the best!!!

We used to have this and then when we had dc3 we said we were having christmas at home

all of in-laws come to ours christmas morning and then go off in time for dinner, then all the girls descend to MIL for boxing day while the men go to puvb and watch football

although don't know what will happen this year as before our children were the only children in the family and I think thats why dhs brothers loved to come here christmas morning, but now BIL has a baby so we might have to start going back to MIL's,
but we will still have our own dinner in our house, its a good compromise

Personally I'd just tell them my plans, invite them over and leave it to them. I'm sure they can visit you another day if they don't want to spend Christmas day with you.

I always spend Christmas day at home with the children and that's the way it will always be. I've always made everyone very clear on that one, whilst keeping the invitation for people to come over open too. My parents always come to me, I cook dinner and we all have a lovely time. My grandad also comes.

I actually started my Xmas arrangements in January- but then I have a difficult mother, divorced parents AND my PILs to consider.

I just started talking about what I'm cooking for lunch etc, no formal invitation needed.

I don't really see why parents of young children should be the ones to race round trying to please everyone. It's always been kind of accepted in our family that GPs look forward to the rest of not having to cook the Xmas lunch (having done it all when THEY were young parents). Maybe you could try giving that as a reason?

whoa.... Just say you're having christmas at your house. Start as you mean to go on. Get you DH to say it.

thanks for all the advice, just had a chat with a friend about it.

i just feel a bit bad about it all.

we where thinking of going to there holiday home with them next year might need to rethink that.

of course our child can go with out a nap, but will be tired and cranky.
but that only a tiny part of the reason to have it here

think my dh finds it very difficult to talk to them because they where very controlling to him when he was growing up and a teenager

so although i would like to leave it to him, hes the sort that would agree to something even if he didn't want to do it for an easy life.
but i will try my hardest as i beleive this should come from dh.

just been looking at holidays to goa, that must be lovely

I love Christmas. I love seeing family over the christmas holiday. I love The food and everything about it. What I do not love are the endless arguments about who goes where. So, we decided many years ago, that christmas day is for dh and I and our dcs to be together, relaxing, doing what we want and doing it our way, without the pressures of either entertaining or being etertained. We love it. The family know that's how it is. There are no hard feelings and certainly, we would never let our wishes leave any other family member alone at Christmas. There have been times when others have come to us for the day and the odd occasion when we have gone out. But we can count those on the fingers of one hand. When those times happen, we all enjoy them because they are unusual changes from 'our' traditions.

If you are serious about being in your own home, whether or not you choose to have guests, you need to just say so. If it were me, I would just say that for now, you want to spend Christmas in your own home .If you are happy for them to come to you, say so and then it is up to them to decide.

Good luck

Oh god, just tell her.
Say 'oh MIL I had a chat with DH about christmas after we mentioned it the other day and we've decided that we'd definitely prefer to have this year at home. We'd love you to join us of course, have a think and let us know!'
Then see how you feel next year.

I totally understand that you want to have a drink, feel relaxed and not rushed in your own home, carry on celebrating after DS has gone to bed etc, but dont forget that the in laws would probably like to have a drink, feel relaxed and not rushed etc too.
You went there last year so perfectly reasonable to say this year you'll stay at home, but you do need to have a bit of give and take in the long term...

YANBU - I'm right with you. We're in the same boat, but on both in law sides.

I love christmas and want to build up all those great christmassy traditions for our DCs that I loved as a child... but at the same time we know we need to see inlaws/grandparents - both sets live abroad. Travelling at xmas is expensive too. Uggh.

I just hate the thought that christmases forever are going to be 1 year at our house, next year at one set of in-laws, the next year at the other set of in-laws. Feel like throwing a toddler tantrum. I want our own xmas!

I would use your parents and say well we haven't really spent xmas with my family since ds was born and would like to this year so we are inviting everyone to ours.

If the cooking is too much then ask MIL and your mum to help. Lucky for me dp wont have xmas dinner at his mums as she uses everything from instant and frozen and burns the lot.

But to be honest I am getting a bit fed up of losing 3-4 hours cooking or cleaning so when your ds is bigger you may well prefer to go to MIL and spend more quality time with kids than cooking.

If you are definite that you want to spend it ay home this year, then you need to agree what you want to say / do and just tell them, no more, no less.

When it gets mentioned again, just say something like "We've decided that we're staying at home on Christmas day, you're more than welcome to join us, or if not we could come to you on the 27th?"

No explanations or excuses are needed, just state what you want, and if your ILs won't come to you then give them an alternative as a compromise (the 27th).

That said, if they are only 15 mins away, I think a really good compromise would be for you to spend the morning at home as a family and pop round for an hour or two / tea after your son's nap. Its not like it has to be an all day event?? And children often get cabin fever when stuck indoors all day, so a trip out might be quite nice?

YANBU. Bloody extended families drive me nuts.

Glad I found this thread and hope you don't mind if I ask a similar question. I'm almost in the same boat. This will be my first Christmas as a mum and I want it to be DS, DH and I just for Christmas day - I am happy to go to MiL & SiL's on Boxing day (god knows when I'll see my own parents - though, thankfully they are very chilled), but apparently MiL thinks we should all be together on Xmas day as a family. I just want to spend the first Christmas of my son's life with my son and DH, not at MiLs with overcooked veg and barking rat dogs watching other people passing my DS around.

AIBU?

Stay at home till lunch time - long lazy family breakfast and present opening - make that your tradition
Head over sometime after midday and stay a bit
Can you stay the night if you can't be bothered shifting want to get plastered?
Explain about the nap and need for a bit of peace
best of both
xmas at yours next year

HArry B - you will be a mother in law yourself one day (probably), won't you ever want to see your son and godson on xmas day.

offer to cook the veg yourself and get a bit more xmas spirit. yabu

Mazzy, I know I know, and am happy to go there next year and the year after. I just want DS' first Christmas in our own home. By the way, I have spent the past 5 christmasses at her house .

Harry IMHO YANBU it is your xmas too but maybe give a peace offering promise of xmas next year

are you close enough to just go for dinner?

i do have some sympathy, but it's his first christmas. it will be quite boring compared with all the ones to come. (honest)