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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to heave when someone talk about someone else being their 'soulmate'?

119 replies

moondog · 15/09/2009 00:20

Usually with bovine misty look in eyes.
Invariably he then fucks off after about 3 weeks with a 17 year old .

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 15/09/2009 10:35

soulmate usually said by schlebs and sychophants then they divorce 15month later in an acrimonious hissy fit

in fact any cheestastic description
my rock
my maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan
the one

chins up girls.
you are not 15
you dont have to gush because you have a lumber

i have a bidie in

sfxmum · 15/09/2009 10:39

joining the group of
'oh ffs grow up / the one what?/ what soul is that?/ you only love one person? that is sad/
can't live without him/her? really? do they cut off your oxygen supply?

expatinscotland · 15/09/2009 10:43

YANBU.

That term is right up there with 'we're pregnant' in my book.

scottishmummy · 15/09/2009 10:45

invariably if you put all your eggs in one basterd you will be disapointed

hate coupley couples,joined at hip finish each other sentences. always within a 6cm radius of each other

on that matter the "dont go out much/have an opinion/see my friends since i met the one"

posieparker · 15/09/2009 10:49

I know older couples (in their sixties) who have been with their spouse for over forty years and may describe their spouse as their soul mate. I think this is rather lovely and earned, for that matter.

My DH was my partner until we married, as the father to my (then ) three children he couldn't be my fiance (with Del boy accent) or my boyfriend.

I think if people have romance in their lives that gives them a little joy then it's lovely.... as long as that's not then only thing that raises a smile or self esteem what's the harm?

is a nasty little thing.....

scottishmummy · 15/09/2009 10:54

love and affirmation=great
schmaltzty unrealistic gushy terms= get a bucket

the validity and solidity of a relationship isnt measured in moist eyes and schmaltzy terms

my parents married in their 20's never have or will be a public emotive gushy married couple but they have a deep felt private relationship

MarshaBrady · 15/09/2009 10:57

Have no problem with couples being together for a long time and happy. Why not? Pleased my parents are still together, it's nice.

Still fine to not like the terms people use. Nothing to do with envy, just taste.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/09/2009 10:57

I hve no problem with people forming couples, remaining in couples and being happy with each other. But in most cases it's a matter of being ready to pairbond and any atractive available individual will do. WIth luck said individual will not turn out to be an addict, a slob or a psycho.
But I have always thought there is so much more to life than couplehood.

TheApprentice · 15/09/2009 10:59

IME (and that of friends) the soulmate relationships always end up being the traumatic, messy ones. One of my friends had a relationship with a catholic priest ffs. Apparently they were soulmates, so in tune, all terribly intense etc etc. Anyway he kept screwing her up with being on/off, oh no I love you but can'tleave the priesthood etc etc. In the end she ended it, and then he went on to leave the priesthood anyway and marry someone else. So much for a soulmate....

Malificence · 15/09/2009 10:59

I'm not stupid and I do have my soulmate - I've known absolutely since the age of 16 that we would be together for the whole of our lives, no ifs, buts or maybes.
I have never , ever, been sexually attracted to another human being in 27 years either - if that makes me abnormal I really don't care. If he has then he's never acted upon it.
So it's absolutely unreasonable to me to suggest that it's fallacy or "obsessive".

Neither am I blindly devoted to my husband, he's not perfect, neither am I and a marriage of 25 years can be hard work, exciting and boring in equal measure, he is as likely as I am to go off with a 17 year old, so no chance in hell really.

I am hugely offended at the suggestion that monogamy is stupid - there are plenty of people who say they are monogamous when they obviously are not - they may well be stupid or deluded. Serial monogamy is about as attractive an option to me as open relationships are.
If I come over as smug, tough - perhaps it's because what we have together is so rare and precious, only jealous idiots would suggest that I'm kidding myself and I can't be sure my husband wouldn't cheat - I know that he wouldn't.

haventsleptforayear · 15/09/2009 11:04

I think SGB is spot on (as usual .

duelingfanjo · 15/09/2009 11:05

is anyone saying monogomy is stupid?

you have taken the word 'stupid' out of context.

I agree with Solidgoldbrass when she says "These are the obsessive monogamists, who are so convinced by the idea of the Soulmate that they are forever dumping perfectly adequate partners for the next person they mildy fancy, as monogamists are too stupid to understand that it's possible to be sexually attracted to loads of different peope at the same time and you have a choice over what you do, so every time they get a commotion in their underwear over someone new, they decide that this one must be the soulmate and the current one becomes instantly disposable."

this is exactly how I feel and I have found that a lot of my friends who believe in Soulmates have spent their lives chasing after something that just doesn't exixt, leaving relationships for new one in search of something they will never find.

scottishmummy · 15/09/2009 11:07

imo,maintain a balance dont become subsumed into coupledom, be autonomous and in a relationshit

maintain your own

career
interests
friends
things that make you, you

dont know how it digressed but actually i do favour faithfull, monogomous relationship. in the way you wouldnt cheat,lie, be unkind to friends dont do it to your partner.

i met my partner in my teens, and havent dated anyone else but i dont conceptualise him as the one

RealityIsNOTDetoxing · 15/09/2009 11:08

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PixiNanny · 15/09/2009 11:09

YANBU. I worked seasonally last year and relationships go crazily fast at these places; you'd go crazy there. Every 3 or 4 weeks people have a different 'soulmate'

Though, I like partner I call my boyfriend my partner more often than not, we're both 20 lol Maybe above our ages a bit on that one but calling him my boyfriend makes us look more immature to companies/people we want to employ us [together] imo!

oneopinionatedmother · 15/09/2009 11:19

i don't like 'partner' cos it sounds too much like a business. eg Chris & Partner - we always use to take the mick by adding 'co ltd.' at the end.

with you on 'we're pregnant' Expat. makes me want to punch the one that is not in fact pregnant in the place where he won't feel the pain of birth.

although...my husand calls me his soulmate....i always feel a bit bad when i can't return the compliment, but I'm just not made that way...

I have yet to horribly abuse him except by spending too much time on MN but time will tell!

ShowOfHands · 15/09/2009 11:21

Malificence, you've misinterpreted what has been said. I too met my dh when we were teens, am very happily married many, many, many years later and have never seriously desired another man. You go on to qualify that a relationship is hard work with ups and downs, well yes, exactly. It's so much more than the magical bonding of an abstract concept. A soulmate? No. An equal partner, yes. A friend, a lover, confidante, co-parent, support system etc etc, yes. But soulmate? What on earth does that mean? Do we have only one? Would we 'fail' in other relationships? Did the universe bring you together? Does it only apply to humans? My tom is boffing the wily feline up the road but I don't think it divine proclamation, I think he's a randy little bugger.

Disliking a term is nothing to do with , it merely is what it is.

posieparker · 15/09/2009 11:27

But isn't their a little chemistry that keeps/makes us get together? Or does that chemistry lust fade and the hard work begin? (genuine question as I still really fancy my DH (eleven years together) but often can't stand him.)

LadyoftheBathtub · 15/09/2009 11:28

If I feel that DP is my soulmate, which I kind of do, I just mean that we're a very good match in terms of outlook, humour and values. Not that there's only one soulmate out there for me who I happen to have stumbled across, which would be daft. Also I don't go round saying it to people and no misty eyes here.

But I do struggle with what to call him - "partner" sounds like we might not actually be in a relationship, or that I'm gay and trying to hide it. "Boyfriend" is weird as we're almost 40, been together for years and it has a suggestion of him being a new lover and not DS's dad, which isn't true.

"Manfriend", hmm, it sounds like a euphemism for a penis to me.

sheepgomeep · 15/09/2009 11:31

My mum was with my dad whom she considered her soulmate for nearly 35 years. They had thier ups and downs yes, thier very bad times but they were inseperable. My dad died 2 years ago of cancer and my mum was devastated and is lost without him. Yes she carries on with life but she knows she will never meet anyone like him again, He was a wonderful man.

On the other hand though I thought my ex was my soulmate snigger, he fucked off 10 years down the line with a 16 year old leaving me with two small children, No doubt he calls his gf his 'soulmate'

I will only call my dp my soulmate when we have been together for about 50 years and he hasn't fucked off with my best mate!

Malificence · 15/09/2009 11:32

I imagine is depends on whether you've always been together in previous lifetimes and alternate realities.
So yes, I unequivocally believe in the "one", for me at least.

I do realise that I sound like an "a" grade nutter you know.

RealityIsNOTDetoxing · 15/09/2009 11:36

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OrmIrian · 15/09/2009 11:39

"Or does that chemistry lust fade and the hard work begin? "

Yes posie, it must definitely does. Although sometimes the hard work predates the fading of the lust. And sometimes the lust returns. Briefly.

scottishmummy · 15/09/2009 11:40

thinking/feeling deep love great.cheestastic terms not great

bit like as a parent have an inner glow about wee maximus - but dont chunter on about
great intelligence
mandarin speaking at 3yo
grade 99 cello
best at everything

sometimes something/someone is what it is without need for great proclamation

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 15/09/2009 11:41

Uggghhh
DH is not my soulmate. He is my partner in the old fashioned sense of the word - we co-parent, we have committed to living together, being a family, raising our children, blending our lives, it's a big load of hard work (worth it, in theory) there is nothing slushy or soulmatey about it. We match very well (in lots of ways) and we clash in probably an equal number of ways. There could be thousands of men with whom I could match and clash in equal measure but different ways. I'm with this one because I met him when my lights were on and so were his, we fell in love, and there you have it. (although I did go to a whole other continent to find him!)

Ditto 'we're pregnant'. No. you. fucking. aren't. You are a fucking man.