to think that a man shouldn't need to get his wife's/dp's permission to get a vasectomy?

[DaisymooSteiner]

Have been meaning to post this for ages, and it's come up on another thread so thought I'd start one.

I recently asked my GP how my dh would go about getting a vasectomy. She said he needed to make an appt with a particular doctor and that normally we would both need to be present to make sure that I consented, but as she'd spoken to me they would make a note and he could go alone.

On another thread someone has mentioned that she needed to give written consent as a condition of her dh being given the op.

I think it is absolutely disgraceful and deeply unethical that a mentally competant adult should need another person's permission to have an operation of any kind, let alone something like a vasectomy.

AIBU?

It is what someone said happened to them. It may not have been in the UK or may not have happened exactly how she said. It is very unlikely any real doctor would be mistaken about the legalities and issues surrounding any issue of 'giving consent' since it is something all medical staff and practitioners recieve a lot of training about and worry about getting right. An individual doctor might've produced his/her own form for a wife to sign so as to save a woman coming into the surgery, who knows. My assessment would be it is more likely the woman is confused or embellishing than the doctor asked for consent.

Daisymoo
I think lots of people have answered that - no! Obviously.

Daisymoo - I digress (as usual) but when DH had his snip I went with my DD to collect him from the clinic and the conversation in the waiting room had to be the funniest I have ever heard. One woman said " Last week we had the cat done, this week it's the husband' !! I'd bought DH a nice bottle of wine to help him recover, one lady said she'd bought hers a kitkat !! .Funny - there was not one ounce of sympathy amongst any of us there. I'm sure it would have been different if we'd been taking the cat to the vet for the snip!

So my suggestion is - get DH down to the clinic and prepare yourself for a bellyful of laughs in the waiting room.

PFS

PS: I suggest you start a thread on suitable post-snip present for DH.

My husband's "compensation" (aka snip-present) for his vasectomy was a Hamilton watch.

It wasn't a bribe , before anyone asks - he volunteered to get done then demanded compensation for his lost manhood afterwards. I keep meaning to start a thread on the best ( kinkiest) way to get a sperm sample from him - his helpful suggestion was "just spit it out for a change".

Dh didn't need my permission. Although he did need a witness for the bit that says they might not work nada nada nada, and I'm not sure who else he would ask. I'm imagining dh asking his bank manager or the Head Teacher of the school I work at, which is who usually witnesses anything that needs it.

CyradisTheSeer, yes, of course you can.

Daisymoo - your question about abusive relationships is a complex one. It's impossible to legislate for all eventualities, and I'd say that the ideal would be first and foremost to get that woman out of the relationship so that she doesn't have to see her abuser, let alone have sex with him. Women stay in abusive relationships for a million different reasons, and many of the reasons are similar when you talk to each woman. They all suffer horrible consequences as a result of their decision to stay, and sadly, sometimes the consequences will include unwanted pregnancies.

However I wonder whether it might be beneficial to have a special circumstances clause where a person wanting sterilisation can request that their doctor does not contact their partner but has to state that the reason is that their relationship is abusive...this would then necessitate the relevant legal and welfare services being brought in, so it might also help to get them out of a dangerous home life.

Permission?!

I can understand a doc asking the patient how their husband/wife feels about it. But you shouldn't need anybody else's permission when it comes to your own body.

Fuck that.

Of course you should have your partner's permission/agreement when having something none essential done to your body.

My husband always wanted a tattoo but didn't have one because I didn't want him to. If he'd gone ahead anyway behind my back then our marriage would have suffered, possibly irrevocably. I finally caved last year btw when I realised I was being unreasonable - it still shocks me to wake up to the view of a dragon on his shoulder every morning though!
I don't even change my hairstyle or colour without asking if he'd like it.
Marriage is all about considering your partner's opinion and it having as much relevance as your own, surely?
No wonder so many marriages fail, because selfish people just do whatever they want because it's "their" body.
My body is my husband's as much as my own and vice versa.
If you don't care what your partner thinks of anything you do then you're in the wrong relationship.

Malificience
I fear that you and I have a different opinion of marriage, and consent.
Firstly - consent is not the same as consultation. You may believe you have the right to veto your partner's tattoo, in the context of your relationship, maybe you do. But legally? No. Can't you see that? You have ultimate rights and responsibilities over your own body. Nobody else. Marriage does not confer those rights to anyone else.

And no, I do not ask my partner's permission to get my hair cut, on which clothes I can wear, and my body does not belong to anyone but me. My partner is my partner, not my owner.

YABU a little IMO. only a bit mind!

If my husband even thought of doing that without my permission i would be so angry.

I need those things to make these things

He never would though so it's ok.

Right enough everyones marriage is different but i am not sure i agree with the op in the first place.

hmm... lots to think about

legally?? well that opens up a real can of worms dont it?!

"I don't even change my hairstyle or colour without asking if he'd like it."

O...M....G..... Don't know what else to say really. This is 2009 right? I haven't gone back to the 1950s overnight have I?

"If you don't care what your partner thinks of anything you do then you're in the wrong relationship."

Have you read my OP? My dh and I would discuss something as important as a vasectomy/sterilisation for me, but neither of us should need to actually get the other's permission. Wrong relationship? Well, happily married for 10 years, so obviously something is working for us.

My body is definitely not my husbands. On the tattoo subject, I have been toying with the idea for years. DH would prefer me not too. I have taken his opinion into account, but if I decide to get one, I will get one. I do what I like with my hair as does he, the sort of relationship where you have consult over hair? Sounds terrifying to me.

Same for sterilisation. Of course I would discuss it with my DH, but if I decided that I was absolutely done having babies and he wasn't happy about that decision? Then I would still get the operation. Same goes for him. Then we would have to work out where our relationship stood.

Married extremely happily here for 11 years. I even have a promise of an Essure spa week for my 35th birthday (as in have op, and then stay at a spa for a week, sans kids). So we are in agreement in this as in most things. But if we were not in agreement then the person whose body it is gets final vote.

Am struggling to work out how choosing a hairstyle can compare to choosing a vasectomy...

Morloth, So you would have something done to yourself with the knowledge that he would absolutely hate it?

The preferences and wishes of my husband are my main priority when making a decision, the same goes for him, putting your partner before yourself is what love and respect are all about. Of course that only counts in a emotionally healthy relationship and has to be a two way street, it's all about balance.

I refused hundreds of tattoo designs that he showed me before finally approving the one he had, it took months. It was perfectly fair because I'm the one who has to look at it every day. He prefers my hair in a Louise Brooks bob so even though I do go short from time to time, I always go back to it because he really likes it, as a sexual thing mainly, it gives me a certain "look" that goes with what we're into sexually.

My body definitely IS my husbands and his IS mine, no one else has ever, or will ever, touch either of us.

We've got our silver anniversary in March so we're doing something right.

If it was something I really wanted to do, yes Malificence.

"My body definitely IS my husbands and his IS mine, no one else has ever, or will ever, touch either of us. "

I couldn't live like this, neither could DH. We are our own people with separate identities and bodies who choose to be together.

It works for you, the thought of it terrifies me. As I said upthread, no problem with a doctor asking how a partner feels, but actually needing someone else's permission for my body? Not a chance in hell.

Malificience - I find your attitude kind of smug. As if your time of submission to each other is the only kind of emotionally healthy relationship.

I would die of stifling if my relationship looked like yours. Doesn't mean either of them is better, just different.

And the mind is boggling at louise brooks sex. What can it be?

Type

I'd certainly hope most men would discuss with partner, but as for "getting permission" I think that's overstepping the mark.

Certainly (as someone said about it varying from trust to trust) "making sure both partners are happy with the choice" sounds better.

"A husband doesn't need permission to shag his wife's sister either..."

I suspect it's an unwritten reason - the 'secret' snip may well be for reasons other than avoiding further pregnancies, not just with his wife/established partner.

Making sure his wife/partner is completely aware may be as much to scare the potential 'rat' from going ahead with it as for ensuring his plan is known (if he is allowing her to expect a chance of further children but actually deciding for it not to happen).