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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell ds the truth about santa

148 replies

elmofan · 12/09/2009 14:37

hi , just looking for your opinions please , ds has started asking questions about weather Santa is REAL , well he asked last year & we kept up the pretence but he is 10.7 & will be 11 at the end of January , i think its time we told him the truth about Santa if he asks again whereas DH wants to keep the pretence going , trouble is I'm worried that this will make ds a target for bullies , as he has been bullied before & i know quite a lot of his friends do NOT believe any more . is is time to let our pfb grow up or is dh right ? x

OP posts:
skidoodle · 12/09/2009 15:55

Lol @ religions "causing" every war.

Resources had nothing to do with it then, just disagreements about gods

ps even by the Christian story god was not made man at christmas - that's just his birthday.

Original poster
elmofan · 12/09/2009 16:07

thanks lynettescavo , ah that's great he is still alive & well here too for the time being this thread really wasn't meant to cause any arguments but it seems to have run off in a different direction

OP posts:
PrincessToadstool · 12/09/2009 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pooexplosions · 12/09/2009 16:17

Santa makes way more sense than the whole god thing, what a silly story that one is!

Santa is a jolly fat man who brings you all nice things, jesus just tells you what to do and threatens you with eternal damnation if you're not good enough. Santa never really leaves bold children bags of coal instead of presents!

Let them believe as long as they like. Theres long enough to live with the cold reality that theres little magic in this world. Let them enjoy the fantasies....

ra29needsabettername · 12/09/2009 16:26

Im athiest but there is a difference between telling somebody something is true(even if it turns out to not to be) if you totally believe it and telling somebody something is true when you know that it is not. The first is not dishonest and the second is.

Sorry that was bugging me

Ds believed in santa until he was about 7 when he asked me and said he reeally wanted to know the truth and so I told him.

It's a difficult one I think, yes it's nice and fun but it is a bit of a strange thing to make up something and pretend it's true when normally you try and help your kids make sense of the world in a more honest way.

I have mixed feelings!

helsbels4 · 12/09/2009 16:30

Bloody hell, whatever happened to the innocence and joy of childhood? All being well, they have years of stress, worry and the real world.
If believing in FC brings them happiness and joy for a few years - together with the tooth fairy etc - then where's the harm? They're children and let them enjoy and believe while they can!
I certainly won't blatantly lie to my ds (9) when he asks the inevitable question about FC but I'm not going to burst his bubble until he brings the subject up either.

notevenamousie · 12/09/2009 16:30

I got my first (and probably pretty mild) flaming for starting a thread like this when I first joined MN.

I think if he asks I would say. Making it clear that stockings will not however be withheld!

I don't tell my (nearly 3yo) dd about FC but I also don't refute it either, a bit like the example further down of if she decides that today she wants to be a hedgehog.

pooexplosions · 12/09/2009 16:30

Theres a difference between dishonesty/lies and fantasy and fun! Do you always tell the coldhard truth to your children? I don't, they don't need it.
Honesty is over-rated.

ninah · 12/09/2009 16:35

how many shopping days?

ElenorRigby · 12/09/2009 16:36

I dont want to tell DD2 about all the santa guff, I'd feel like I was lying to her, I'll probably avoid the subject until asked and then say its a story some people like to believe.

mumeeee · 12/09/2009 16:37

Well when our DDs started asking questions we just said to them what do you think. If they said they thought that FC wasn't real then we told them the truth. DD1 was 7.5.DD2 10 and DD3 11. But they stiil decided to keep believiong and at 22,19 and 17 still keep up the pretence. Only stockings come from FC in our house.

ra29needsabettername · 12/09/2009 16:37

Of course there are times when being honest is not the best policy but I think that being actively dishonest is rarely called for. I think there are years of wonder and joy ahead of our kids/ not just stress.

Having said that, I did the whole santa thing for ds and probably would again but I never felt totally comfortable with it. I usually give the truth in maneagable chunks but yes I do preferably go for honesty.

TwoPersephone · 12/09/2009 16:52

You could keep some of the mystery by telling him about the origins about Santa, a bit of St Nicholas, Shamans and the like, and be a bit vague about it all.

helsbels4 · 12/09/2009 17:04

When I think back to my childhood, I can vividly remember Christmas being such an exciting, magical time with the thought of Father Christmas coming etc and tbh, this fills alot of my fondest memories.
Where is the harm in creating a little magic? I was never told (and never tell my dc's) that babies are left under bushes etc but I really don't see the harm in creating some magic at Christmastime. That's no more bizarre than telling them about the birds and the bees but saying that Mary managed to have a baby without all that!
My brothers and I all "believed" in FC until we were told by the sibling above us that this wasn't the case and it didn't do us any harm!
Let children be children is what I say

cory · 12/09/2009 17:37

My experience (large extended family plus children of my own) is that it is perfectly possible to maintain the magic at the same time as knowing on one level that it's really Uncle John under that cloak. It's called suspended disbelief; what we do every time we get tearful over a sad film or sentimental over a made-up love-story. Very useful skill to have, and not at all too difficult for a child. It's just about the adults not believing that everything is lost the moment the awful truth is revealed. My children probably sussed about Santa around age 6, but the magic is still the same+ you get the added delight of sharing knowledge with the adults.

curiositykilled · 12/09/2009 17:40

at nearly 11 and when he is directly asking you need to tell him the truth.

This happened to my mum. Her school teacher asked, when she was 11, 'you all know that FC is not real right?'. She stood up and said very loudly - 'he IS real!'. The teacher giggled and asked how she knew he was real and she answered 'Because my mum says he's real and she doesn't tell lies.'

My mum was a little traumatised by this experience! Good job it was at the end of primary school and she was able to make new friends at high school. She was SO embarrassed. I don't think people picked on her but she was absolutely cripplingly embarrassed about it.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 12/09/2009 17:47

cory you are so right.
dd says she believes in him, yet this Christmas and last I got a present from Father Christmas in her hand writing.

posieparker · 12/09/2009 17:58

If we like to be honest with our dcs perhaps we should explain that cancer is truly painful, details about sexual intercourse, all body piercing, tooth fairy, the list goes on.
What's so bad about the magic of childhood the FC represents?

BitOfFun · 12/09/2009 18:07

I just told dd1 that Santa was real in that he represents the spirit of Christmas, and that little children find it easier to think of him as a real person. It wasn't a big deal.

ChookKeeper · 12/09/2009 18:21

DD1 (15) is the most sensitive of souls and when she was 8yo she gave the double whammy of asking if FC and the tooth fairy were really me and dh. I asked her how would she feel if it was us really and she said she wouldn't be bothered as long as she still got presents/money under her pillow. So I told her the truth and she was fine with it.

Now dd2 (11.4) otoh is a lot tougher and more streetwise than her sister, but about 6 months ago she asked if I was the 'tooth fairy' and as I thought she'd sussed it ages ago I said yes. I was not prepared at all for her reaction - her face crumpled and she started crying, saying that all the magic had gone now . I did think that I may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb and tell her that FC wasn't real too but I couldn't bring myself to do it .

I've not mentioned it since so I think I'll just wait for her to bring it up or not.

Unlike my miserable dbs (7&6 years older than me) who, when I was 7, showed me where all the presents were hidden.

hannahsaunt · 12/09/2009 18:31

My boys run with the suspended disbelief thing - they are very au fair with the legend of St Nicholas and have some beautiful children's books telling the story and understand how that transformed into Santa Claus, how St Nicholas was a Christian and how the two run parallel in terms of loving and giving. However alhthough hey don't write to Santa ("beacuse he's dead!" is ds1s rationale - wait til he comes out with that in the playground!) but they like to have one present labelled as such.

thedolly · 12/09/2009 18:42

The exsistence of fairies and Santa (and God for that matter)is something I have never lied to my children about - you don't have to lie to keep the 'magic' alive.

They formed their own ideas on these things from books etc. and when they ask if they are 'true' I simply say 'well if you don't believe they might aswell not be'

If they ask me if I 'believe' I say I believe in the 'magic of childhood'.

I 'embellish' the tooth fairy and Santa as little as possible - we don't go in for the 'be good and you'll get lots of toys, be bad and you won't'.

MissMoopy · 12/09/2009 19:02

That assumes we believe in God, which in our house, we don't.
Childhood is about innocence, magic and fun. I never understand people who take the attitude that telling children about Santa, Tooth Fairy etc is telling lies. Surely indoctrinating kids to believe in God is the same or worse?

Original poster
elmofan · 12/09/2009 19:25

thanks everyone , lots of different opinions so i suppose ill just go with the flow for the moment if he asks again i think we might have to tell him but who knows we just might get this last Christmas out of him still believing , he still believes in the toothfairy also so it'll be a double whammy

OP posts:
pranma · 12/09/2009 20:15

My dgd asked last year aged 9.4 whether FC was 'like the tooth fairy'.As she lives in Turkey and Noel Baba left sweets for her friends on 31st Dec my ds told her very gently that Santa is the spirit of Christmas that makes people want to be kind to one another.He said it was sad that some people didnt feel like this but our family always would.He told her the St Nicholas story[he was Turkish]and asked her not to tell her much younger cousins as they were too small and still believed the Santa story.She said,'So you lied to me for 9 whole years?''Yes'said ds.'Thank you' said dgd'I will tell that story to my children when I grow up'.I will stop believing in FC when he stops filling my stocking but I am long past the age of forced disbelief.Op I do think you should tell your ds now.Next year will be too late as he will be in secondary school.I softened the blow for my dd by telling her her granny still believed!