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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dd wont go anywhere daily where she will be loved as much as I love her....thats not going to happen is it :( ok so how do i deal with this?

109 replies

yummyummy · 11/09/2009 01:13

Here goes....
DD born 05, started school sept 3rd 2009. (her schools hrs are 9am-12noon everyday until 21st sept then will be 9am-3pm) She has never been babysat or looked after by any1 but me or dh, apart from nursery staff from when she was 2 yr's old. Even that was only 4 hour a wk (2hr on mon, 2 hr on fri)

Today (day 5 of her schooling) we have an interview about dd, as does every parent at her school in reception regards their child. DH and I are asked lots of questions. Who are her friends, what names has she mentioned, what does DD enjoy to do at home, can she dress herself, do up her shoes, whats her favorite food, disliked food, does she have any allergies? (bit late for that question isnt it on day 5????!!!!!!) etc etc.

It then dawns on me I leave my child with strangers in a class of 30 other children everyday

Prior to this she has been with me and only a much loved nursery for 4 hours a wk.

Don't grill me please, yes I knew school would be hard for us both. But surely in this day and age with the things we read about young children god forbid, dont we as parents need to know our children are going somewhere to be protected and looked after?? Isn't there an easier way to break our (urm...ME and MY!) children into school?

fgs just wearing a stiff ironed shirt and a tie is a major thing for a little girl. every day. shes only used to princess dresses!!!!

Am I too overprotective with nothing else better to worry about?? DD has had 2 morning starter nsessions in june prior to starting school to 'familiarise' herself....PAH!!

I guess I need to know she is going somewhere everyday where she will be loved as much as me & DH love her....thats not going to happen is it What a sudden brick wall we have just hit

OP posts:
Pyrocanthus · 11/09/2009 21:01

Good post, Cory.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 11/09/2009 21:02

Am I too overprotective with nothing else better to worry about??

Um ...sorry but YES

Conundrumish · 11/09/2009 21:14

I'm sure it is horrible watching your last child start school - I have one to go yet, but watching the last two go was pretty horrible.

But, she needs to be exposed to environments where people do not love her as much as her parents. By the time she is ready to start work her employers won't love her at all, and as much as that may hurt us as parents, that is life and we need to prepare them for that. We don't want our children to feel scared in place where people don't love them and we don't want them to feel vulnerable in those situations.

A statistic our headmaster gave was really reassuring - if our children go to school 6.5 hours a day for three terms a year, they are actually away from us for only 13.36% of the time.

I hope the first half of my post doesn't sound brutal, as I am struggle too, but this is what I keep trying to convince myself!

pigletmania · 11/09/2009 21:16

I know that you probably wont like what i might say, but will be as sensitive as possible. First of all get a grip, YRBU, nobody is going to love your dd like you and your dh and her family and friends. The teachers at her school will treat her as professionaly as possible and will care for her, but love her no no, and you cant expect them to. They are theere to do a job and thats that.

When you had your dd you knew that a time will come when she will gain independence and move on, i would hate it if my own dd did not. We have all been left with strangers when we go to school, but as we go through school those strangers are not strangers anymore as they get to know your child. It part of life, you are probably more upset and feeling it more than her. Your dd has probably adapted very well and is beginning to make friends. So enjoy this next stage of your childs life, and chill.

Portofino · 11/09/2009 22:12

Someone on another thread quoted a lovely poem about us not owning the souls of our children, yet we are the bow that shoots an arrow into the future. I can't remember the author, but it seems somewhat apt here.....

londonartemis · 11/09/2009 22:25

I don't mean to upset you, but frankly I really think this is the age when she is ready to meet more people and make more friends, learn more about the world and about fitting in. If she enjoyed her nursery - and you don't say that she didn't - then why are you worried about how she will take to school?

You can't cosset her all her life. Why have you never had an occasional babysitter? What has she gained from that policy in your household? Don't you trust anyone else?

Nothing is as deep as a parent's bond. The relationships she forms with others won't match it, but they will be valuable and important too. I don't understand why you feel shortchanged about that. I think you need to let go and let her grow up.

Hando · 11/09/2009 22:33

I find it hard to imagine my dd (5) never having been looked after by someone else. When do you go to the pub and get drunk? I think you have coped far better than most would...not ever having had a good night out with your DH. Which I assume you havent as only 4 hrs nursery a week?!?

Doing longer nursery hours or being at a preschool would have helped her get used to the school setting a bit more.

I bet she'll be fine and it's you that needs to be brave on her first day, try not to cry and don't cling onto her with the teacher pulling her away! It'll be just fine!

Or you could always home educate and lock her in the attic til she's 21!

scottishmummy · 11/09/2009 22:40

an empowering parent is a liberating parent.

let em go make their own mistakes,own triumphs

clenchy,and all what if this/that/other happens isn't a good disposition.unclench

we dont own our children not our possessions.they are autonomous lil people

op i respectfully suggest you and dp get a babysitter and get out more

sabire · 11/09/2009 22:54

I feel for you. My ds turned 4 in July and will be starting school next week.

In my case though, I'm more worried about how school will cope with him than the other way around..... given that his teacher is unlikely to approve of him spending most of the day roaming aimlessly while making dog noises and indulging in al fresco peeing (my ds's usual activities).

I came away from my meeting with his teacher feeling very anxious for her.

"What toys does he enjoy playing with?"
Me:
"He doesn't really 'do' toys. He spends most of the day fiddling with the dog, trying to persuade me to let him have my car keys and begging to have a go with the cigarette lighter.'

"Did he have any friends at nursery?"
Me:
"No - he used to prefer the company of adults, particularly his key worker, who he hung around like a bad smell, trying to persuade her to let him hold her keys"

"Does he engage in imaginative play?"
Me: "Well, he likes to pretend he's a dog, but apart from that... not really. He can't sustain any sort of activity for more than 5 minutes on his own, unless it's destructive, in which case he can maintain a sustained effort".

The poor woman. She's had my dd and my other ds, who were a joy to teach. She thought she was probably going to get more of the same.

No, seriously - some children really aren't emotionally or socially ready for school. My ds, and maybe your dd fall into this category. I just can't cope with keeping my little dog-boy at home any more all day, every day. He needs more stimulation. He's a smart little guy and I'm hoping they'll find something to do with him which will keep him interested. I trust them to get the best out of him - they've done so well with my other two.

nickschick · 11/09/2009 22:55

HANDO

''Or you could always home educate and lock her in the attic til she's 21''

Thats a bit OTT.

Portofino · 11/09/2009 22:59

scottishmummy - spot on! Tis hard though if you're not used to it.

MiniMousse · 11/09/2009 23:02

My dd has just started nursery aged 11 months as I have had to go back to work - there is no other choice apart from flinging myself on the mercy of the state. I feel that she is way too young for us to be apart all day, but have been comforting myself with the fact that I have been able to have 11 months with her at least - there are plenty of people who for work or financial reasons have to put their babies in nursery when they are tiny.
This may sound a bit harsh, but just thank your lucky stars you had her at home for so long. You did not have to have the same anxieties leaving a tiny little 3 month old for example. At least your daughter will be able to talk to you and tell you if she does / doesn't like her teacher / the person she sits next to / her lunches / etc etc etc...

GetOrfMoiLand · 11/09/2009 23:05

Scottishmummy - noticed a load of your posts lately, if they don't make me piss myself laughing, they are very astute, absolutely agree with your last post.

Portofino · 11/09/2009 23:28

Mini - your pain is the same though really! Your anxiety about leaving your little baby, is exactly the same as the OP leaving her older dc. Because it is the FIRST time. The FIRST time anywhere is hard.

I know! I left my 5 month old in nursery and it was HARD. I took her OUT of said nursery at 2 (moving abroad) and it was harder! Took her to creche in Belgium - she wasn't happy - REALLY HARD. Started Kindergarten at 2.5 - I was sobbing like a baby.

All this of course is ME, not DD! She has been entirely flexible about it all. Apart from her early few days in new creche, she took it all in her stride. I (on other hand)have been an emotional wreck on many an occasion.

thedolly · 11/09/2009 23:47

I had similar feelings when DS1 started nursery aged 3.5. He was such a curious little boy (still is) and I could give him my full attention when he asked the most amazing questions. I fretted (but didn't let him know) that there would be no one to answer his far reaching questions at nursery but was very pleasantly surprised (as was he) when he received much praise for his enquiries. There was also a lot of affection thrown in for good measure which was lovely to see.

Don't worry, all will be fine .

Hando · 12/09/2009 00:07

NICKSCHICK

'Twas a joke. I know home ed'ers don't lock their kids in attics 'til they're 21....

they just keep them at home so people can't see they're beating them!

Sorry... bad taste

MavisEnderby · 12/09/2009 00:10

GetOrf.

Another fan of Scottish Mummy.

To the point and usually hits nail on head,comforting or not as it is to the OP.

juuule · 12/09/2009 09:37

HANDO Very bad taste.
Offensive and not remotely funny.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/09/2009 09:44

I think you should keep it in perspective.

I would be absolutely thrilled if my DD was starting at mainstream school, there is no guarantee of this as she has ASD.

So we are having to come to terms with the loss of opportunities for her, please try to look on the bright side and see that your DD is going to have a wonderful and fulfilled life and it is an exciting time for her.

Not trying to guilt trip you in any way but you are lucky, honestly!!

juuule · 12/09/2009 09:44

Londonartemis
""You can't cosset her all her life."

Is the op dd being cossetted?"

"Why have you never had an occasional babysitter?"

What business is that of yours? Is a babysitter obligatory when you have children?

"What has she gained from that policy in your household?"

Perhaps op dd is confident and has developed a strong sense of security as a result of op household policy.
I think it's just a case of realisation for yummy that her dd is going out into the wider world and things are about to change forever and just how much yummy will feel the change. She hasn't said that she won't support her dd in that move if she feels her dd is ready. Doesn't make the coming change easier for yummy at the moment though.

Yummymummy Things will get easier with time. Veiw it as the start of an adventure for your dd and you.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/09/2009 09:47

sorry, I probably shouldnt have posted here in fact, it's just quite hard when hitting a REAL brick wall of having child diagnosed with ASD to read that someone thinks going to mainstream school is a brick wall.

But I appreciate everyone is different and you may well be finding it hard, so I do sympathise and hope you get lots of good advice from people here.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/09/2009 10:05

and nooo don't say you like scottishmummy, she is always saying she doesn't like arselicking

Georgimama · 12/09/2009 10:14

I suspect the OP is a wind up or media plant, but this is why it's a good idea to have let your child out of your sight, with someone who isn't your husband or mother, at some point in the first four years of their life.

Juule - I thought Hando was quite funny. And Londonartemis made some good points. Are you now a moderator on this forum? I wasn't aware we had them.

scottishmummy · 12/09/2009 10:23

Juule,bolding a name is ott and bitty passive aggressive and well frankly don't think LondonA said anything particularly offensive

are you going to work your way through thread making critical appraisal about every post

hope not

we are all big girls,i think op can take it

and if she cant- dont post in AIBU

NoahAmin · 12/09/2009 10:26

stop bolding you freaks

starting a new school is hard but fgs she will be fine