Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of an 'is it unreasonable' to lock a toddler in a bathroom...

135 replies

FlamingoBingo · 10/09/2009 20:08

...for half an hour crying so you can read a story to your two older children?

Really want to know what others' reactions to hearing about this would be!

OP posts:
Pikelit · 11/09/2009 12:50

I'm saying that locking-up shouldn't be an element in raising children. No matter how horrible they are currently behaving and how much the rest of you in the family would like to sit down and read a story in peace.

You get locked up in prison & totalitarian regimes. I'm assuming that you aren't based in either.

corriefan · 11/09/2009 12:54

I agree, why didn't she start the thread by saying I think CC is wrong and want a reason to tell my friend she's doing the wrong thing, so will use unrelated tale of locking a child up to gain more support for my view.

corriefan · 11/09/2009 12:55

sorry agree with a post a while back

gorionine · 11/09/2009 12:56

Thanks, I thought you were asking if OP was locked up herself! I do agree with you , separating from the rest of the dcs for a few minutes should not mean you need to lock up the toddler. I can only think that the mother was extreemly tired when she did it and will hopefully never do it again.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 11/09/2009 13:35

CC and locking children in rooms are two totally different things. (obviously )
She isn't damaging her child if she''s doing CC properly IMO. Some children need to be taught, in a safe and consistent way, that bedtime is for sleeping, not playing/attention. That is for their own good. However, locking a small child in a room, especially the bathroom, is bonkers, cruel and dangerous.

Original poster
FlamingoBingo · 11/09/2009 18:38

Ok, thanks for all the smug replies!

I was posting, not so I could have a reason to tell this woman I felt sorry for her son - I am not that insensitive. Not sure where you got that idea from!

The point is that this woman is so responsive in every other area of her parenting and someone she trusts has told her that it is important to do CC with a toddler. She is therefore doing it, even though her heart is breaking. She has no actual need to do it - there are other options. And because I know how she actually wants to parent her children, I know that she is going to feel desperately guilty about this if/when she finds out that CC can be harmful.

In addition, it is not me who is linking it with CC, it is this woman's friend who has 'taught' her how to do it based on this assumption that you just ignore your child for so long. Even those of you who are ok with doing CC are disagreeing with that interpretation of it.

And saying CC isn't harmful IMO is different from saying it categorically isn't harmful and that that has been proven (particularly when they've shown that in fact it has, but that's another debate!).

The point is, this woman has only heard one side of the story and is making a decision I think she could bitterly regret one day.

Anyway, I ended up writing her a long letter and leaving it at her house this morning with my copy of The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland and, very tactfully, suggesting she may want to read it before she continues just in case there is information she hasn't yet got in there.

She texte me this afternoon thanking me profusely. She hasn't said what she's going to do, but she clearly doesn't hate me, thank goodness!

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 11/09/2009 18:46

thats horrific - are you serious. The kid could drown, get into cleaning products, get at the window, get burned by the hot tap, not too mention the damage done by leaving a child for that age locked in any room, your friend needs to sort her act out! Shocking.

AvrilH · 11/09/2009 18:56

"And saying CC isn't harmful IMO is different from saying it categorically isn't harmful and that that has been proven (particularly when they've shown that in fact it has..."

evidence please

I think what you have done is very nasty. You have caused this poor woman to feel horrendously guilty, based on your own ignorant notions and personal hang ups.

Few people do CC, unless they have reached the end of their tether. This is a vulnerable sleep-deprived mother you are tormenting. Shame on you.

YouLukaSimplyAmazing · 11/09/2009 18:59

Reading the gist of this thread and I am really saddened. Am presently cuddling my ds to sleep and feel glad that my own experiences, and friends along the way have led me to my own way of parenting.
Well done FB. Hope you remain friends

corriefan · 11/09/2009 19:34

I got the idea you were going to tell your friend you felt sorry for her son from you saying this

"'well, I can see it's hard for you, but I'll be thinking of your poor son, not you tonight!'."

But anyway, I'm glad it's been resolved and hope your friend finds a way of doing things that she personally feels oomfortable with.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/09/2009 19:49

AvrilH, nobody's sleep-deprived. It's about locking a child in a bathroom whilst his older siblings are read to. Have you actually read the thread?

Morloth · 11/09/2009 19:49

Ponders the amount of havoc my pissed off toddler could have wreaked if he had been left alone in a bathroom for 30 seconds, let alone 30 minutes.

Also bathroom is bad choice because all the surfaces are hard and would act as an amplifier to the screaming.

In all seriousness though I did sometimes put DS in his cot to yell his head off if I needed to do something and will not hesitate to do the same to this baby (when they are a toddler) if I need to do something with DS. Not talking about a baby screaming in distress but a 18mth+ kid throwing a wobbly.

I never did CC, but I did once bring DS into bed with me, made sure there was nothing actually wrong with him and then put earplugs in and slept. You gotta do what you gotta do sometimes.

AvrilH · 11/09/2009 19:53

WhereYouLeftIt, if you read beyond the title,the thread moved on, to the OP's views on controlled crying and her efforts to make her friend feel guilty for having used it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/09/2009 20:04

AvrilH, I have seen nothing in the OP's views to suggest she is trying to make her friend feel guilty - quite the opposite, she believes she will feel guilty if she proceeds with other woman's suggestion. And it seems to be agreed that shutting a toddler in a bathroom for 30 min does not constitute CC. And who is the sleep-deprived woman?

AvrilH · 11/09/2009 20:06

It is reasonable to assume that any hippy mum who feels she has no choice but to embark on CC is a sleep deprived woman.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/09/2009 20:10

Never assume ... especially since this is not happening overnight, but whilst OP's friend reads to siblings. FlamingoBingo, is your friend sleep-deprived, you have not mentioned/

LovelyTinOfSpam · 11/09/2009 20:12

Flamingo I am a bit flummoxed.

For eg your last post "The point is that this woman is so responsive in every other area of her parenting and someone she trusts has told her that it is important to do CC with a toddler. She is therefore doing it, even though her heart is breaking. She has no actual need to do it - there are other options. And because I know how she actually wants to parent her children, I know that she is going to feel desperately guilty about this if/when she finds out that CC can be harmful.
"

But she's not doing the thing which has been given the name "controlled crying" in the books ie a method some people use to try and get their children to settle themselves at night/sleep through.

She is doing something which i don't think has a special childcare book name, but which you could call "locking the screaming toddler in a room for half an hour for no apparent reason".

I think you need to separate the two in your mind, and find a way to get your friend to separate the two. Maybe print something about controlled crying from the internet so that she can see that what she is doing is not that. Then when she realises that locking children away for no apparent reason is not a recognised childcare technique, she will hopefully stop doing it.

AvrilH · 11/09/2009 20:17

It is actually the OP's friend's friend who supposedly once left her toddler screaming in the bathroom at storytime

The friend is just doing something she thinks is controlled crying,

I suspect that Flamingobingo is deeply confused, both as to what is going on in this instance, and about it being "fact" that CC has been shown to be harmful.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 11/09/2009 20:19

Avril sorry was that to me?

AvrilH · 11/09/2009 20:23

no, in response to WhereYouLeftIt on Fri 11-Sep-09 20:10:54

I agree with you LTOS, but we don't even know whether the friend is already using some documented approach.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 11/09/2009 20:29

fair enough.

I reckon it's possible the OP's mate lost it with stroppy toddler and shut them out of the way for a bit and is now trying to justify it.

The whole bathroom thing is just bizarre.

pranma · 11/09/2009 21:49

It is totally UR bordering on abuse

pranma · 11/09/2009 21:50

Sorry had only read first page when I poste then saw all the rest.

SansSerif · 11/09/2009 22:05

Hang on

Have I got this right?

Your friend hasn't locked her toddler in the bathroom at all?

SansSerif · 11/09/2009 22:07

CC has not been "shown to be harmful"

You may not choose to do it with your own DC (fair enough) but if any of my friends had left letters and books on my doorstep when I did CC with DS1 who just could not sleep more than 30 mins day or night, I would have told them where to stick it!