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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of an 'is it unreasonable' to lock a toddler in a bathroom...

135 replies

FlamingoBingo · 10/09/2009 20:08

...for half an hour crying so you can read a story to your two older children?

Really want to know what others' reactions to hearing about this would be!

OP posts:
Thunderduck · 10/09/2009 21:14

How could anyone sit reading a story to their children while listening to their toddler screaming,knowing they were locked in the bathroom?

morningpaper · 10/09/2009 21:14

This story makes no sense to me whatsoever

Thunderduck · 10/09/2009 21:16

Why does it make no sense?

Original poster
FlamingoBingo · 10/09/2009 21:18

Sorry it's not clear enough for you MP - must be coming at it from a different angle to everyone else!

Basically a woman, A, I was speaking to today told me about her friend, B, who says that CC is very good for children and cites her lovely children as an example, telling A all about how she's had to lock her toddler crying in the bathroom at times, because she has had to read to her older DCs for half an hour.

It really upset me and I was wondering if I was being oversensitive, as I'm a bit of a lentil-weavery parent, or whether, in fact, the rest of the world also thinks it's horrific!

OP posts:
pingapengin · 10/09/2009 21:19

Thats just cruel.

Why not lock your children away everytime you need to do something

Theres better ways to keep a toddler quiet and safer places to put them than the bathroom. The choice of room is very odd/dangerous.

morningpaper · 10/09/2009 21:19

but but what's it got to do with controlled crying?

Does the toddler sleep in the bath?

OK this is too complex for me so I'll get me coat

Thunderduck · 10/09/2009 21:20

Because the mother in question and the mother's friend who is planning on doing the same seems to think that it is controlled crying, which it isn't.

emkana · 10/09/2009 21:21

These are two different issues. I would never do cc, it's not for me.

I would also never lock any of my children in the bathroom for any amount of time. BUT I have in the past (and prob will again in the future) let a younger child cry so that I could give attention to an older child, who so often has to take a step back because ds is extremely demanding. "Involving" him in story time most of the time doesn't work, he will do everything he can to sabotage things. Most of the time dh and I will take turns to keep him out of the way so that the other can do stuff with the dd's, but when dh is not around then I still think the dd's sometimes deserve my undivided attention.

Original poster
FlamingoBingo · 10/09/2009 21:22

Because the friend, B, 'taught' my woman, A, how to do CC and told her how wonderful it was and that leaving a child to cry is good for them. B clearly is misunderstanding CC for completely ignoring your child and emotionally neglecting him .

So my woman, A, is now doing 'CC' in that way because she knows it is 'good' for her DS

OP posts:
fifitot · 10/09/2009 21:23

Unbelievable. Horrible and abusive.

I would threaten to ring social services!

GirlsAreLOud · 10/09/2009 21:23

WHy are you even asking? You know it's unreasonable, we know it's unreasonable.

We all know it's not cc.

What a silly thread.

AvrilH · 10/09/2009 21:24

Couldn't you have asked her what she planned to do, and suggested she read some documented approach to CC? I would feel guilty for not suggesting that.

I did CC, I had to, my DD could not self settle at all and nothing else worked, she was screaming every 30- 45 minutes and I had to spend ages settling her, we were all going crazy. She was anxious and irritable, she looked ill from lack of sleep with bags under her eyes. So far CC has resulted in a much happier baby and mother. But it is not as simple as not responding to cries. Every book I read advised a sleep diary for around seven days first, a sleep schedule, a detailed bedtime routine, and alternative approaches.

Maybe your friend has actually put a lot of thought into this but did not share those details with you.

Original poster
FlamingoBingo · 10/09/2009 21:27

I'm thinking of texting A, actually, and asking her to reconsider the 'CC' tonight. I only see her once a week, she doesn't have access to the internet. I just felt like saying 'well, I can see it's hard for you, but I'll be thinking of your poor son, not you tonight!'.

It's such a contradiction. This woman carries her baby in a sling, is breastfeeding her baby and her toddler still, is planning to home educate, and told me how important it is that they try not to let her son cry. And then she tells me this!!!

She really, genuinely thinks she is doing this for him, because he needs it, even though it's really, really hurting her to do it too. Like when you vaccinate. But she kept telling me how determined she was to do it - there was no persuading her that it could actually cause real problems for her son. No persuading her because her friend's children have turned out fine .

OP posts:
Original poster
FlamingoBingo · 10/09/2009 21:29

GirlsAreLoud - Why be so rude?

I already told you that, because we are really, really hippy with our parenting, I sometimes forget I live in a little bubble sometimes, and think I must be overreacting to some things I read/see about other ways of parenting.

Asking on MN is a surefire way of finding out if something is the norm or if it really is as horrific as I think it is.

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 10/09/2009 21:32

Don't text, have a conversation with her about it.

Original poster
FlamingoBingo · 10/09/2009 21:34

That's not possible, Marsha

OP posts:
MrsMerryHenry · 10/09/2009 21:34

I wonder whether the poor toddler would be easier to handle if they received more attention?

Locking them in a bathroom for half an hour is plain cruel. The most we'll do is 2 minutes in DS's bedroom, followed by lots of cuddles and kisses.

It sounds like a weird, twisted form of CIO (which I thought was twisted enough as it is!). Poor child.

Sycamoretreeisvile · 10/09/2009 21:36

Flamingo - what you're describing is not CC, not as I know it or ever used it. It's 2 mins, back in, stroke, shush, walk out. Then 3 mins, etc etc. Never more than 10 mins without going in to reassure.

I think if she has decided to do this, the best thing you could do is to just make sure she realises the difference between what this friend of hers has done vs what most people would consider CC. I took my rules from Dr Tanya Byron

Original poster
FlamingoBingo · 10/09/2009 21:39

You know I think I know what I'm going to do. I can't text her tonight - I think it would look awful and she'd probably just disregard it if it pisses her off.

I'll just have to accept this poor boy is crying right now. But I'll text her tomorrow and ask her how it went. And then reply to her reply with 'I've been thinking about...' and take it from there.

OP posts:
Rindercella · 10/09/2009 21:39

Definitely agree with Marsha that this is not a conversation you want to be having with your friend via text. Please find another way to have a chat with her.

Who would leave a small child crying uncontrollably for half an hour in one of the most unsafe rooms in a house? Who would think that this was right and consider it to be effective parenting?

GirlsAreLOud · 10/09/2009 21:41

Rude? Ok, if you say so.

I think it is a silly thing to have to ask, you're here a lot, you surely know what the consensus was going to be.

Sheesh, I bet you've seen threads about actual controlled crying kick off on here, did you really think everyone was going to say this was ok?

AcrylicAfternoons · 10/09/2009 21:51

It just seems like such a random thing to do. Totally pointless and cruel.

CC ok I see there is a point to that.

Putting a child in their cot / room for a minute or two to calm down cos they're having a tantrum - I can see the point of that too.

But this just seems so needless
It's equivalent to making them have a cold bath to toughen them up or something.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/09/2009 21:55

GirlsAreLoud, I can see what you mean but I can also see why FlamingoBingo started the thread. Sometimes, when someone really insists that black is white, you start to doubt yourself and decide to get your eyes checked (or in this case come to MN), just to reassure yourself that you've not slipped into the twilight zone.

emkana · 10/09/2009 21:56

I agree that the length of time and the place are totally wrong, but I would like to say that she didn't do it to do her nails, she did it to spend time with her older children, which I personally can understand. If you have a very demanding younger child it can be extremely tough on the older children, and not fair on them.

morningpaper · 10/09/2009 21:57

Are you sure you have got the right story?

Why doesn't she just put the child to bed and then read to the others?

Perhaps he is a complete terror and she resorted to this once when he was driving her batty?