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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be contemplating asking my neighbour to move her newborn into her bedroom at night?

327 replies

willow · 10/09/2009 11:41

Essentially, we live in a semi and neighbour's new baby is in a room that's next to our bedroom. Neighbour is on the floor above. Upshot is that we wake up from baby's cries, well before its parents do. Not even going to go down the advice to prevent cotdeath route, or fact that I think there might be a she who must not be named routine being followed.

Should I ask them, politely, to contemplate having baby in same room as them, at least for a little while until it's settled into a bit more of a routine? Appreciate that I can't demand they rethink where they're siting the nursery - but don't see why we should be disturbed more than the actual parents.

OP posts:
Hando · 12/09/2009 00:32

Willow. I think YANBU to want to go round there and ask them but I think YABU to actually go round there.

What can you possibly say without making them feel awful? That's the thing. What ever you say with either stress them out, make them angry or upset them. You are getting broken sleep - think how much worse their sleep is and how cranky and stressed out they must be.

Can you not just wear earplugs or do you have young dc of your own that may call you in the night? Or put some low music on to play through the night (jazz fm or something equally sleep inducing) with help you get bacl to sleep and block out some of the cries.

Also - how on earth can anyone actually sleep with a newborn in bed with them? People actually do it? Id be too scared of squashing them or when they are older them wriggling all night and me not sleeping! Also, no sex!!! Not for me thanks. Cot next to bed works just as well

skidoodle · 12/09/2009 01:15

"i can't get over people who think that how they choose to live has no impact on the people around them, or who don't care about the impact"

Me neither.

I guess I just think it is far more self-absorbed to get all upset about being woken by a baby in the next house and to confront their parents about that than to choose to put your child to sleep in a particular room in your own house.

It's just as selfish and unreasonable to expect other people to have no impact on you whatsoever as it is to not care what impact you have.

It's give and take - some noises you just have to deal with.

Particularly if you know that part of the reason you're so upset by the noise is your own indignation at another family's parenting choices and how wrong you think it is.

People cannot be expected to take into consideration the sensitivity of their neighbours to other people's shortcomings.

Either you think it is OK to complain about noise from a baby or you don't. How that baby is being parented is irrelevant to how much you are being disturbed.

I'm saddened that there are people whose reaction to being woken at night by a 2 week old (this has being going on for probably just over a week!) is to want to go and have it out with the parents.

When my DD was 2 weeks old I was in bits, I had no idea what I was doing, I was scared and I was overwhelmed. There is no way I would ask a person who is probably feeling that way to consider my needs as their neighbour.

My parents would be ashamed of me if they knew they had brought up a person who thinks that is a situation that should be treated with anything other than forbearance.

kitkatqueen · 12/09/2009 08:50

"When my DD was 2 weeks old I was in bits, I had no idea what I was doing, I was scared and I was overwhelmed. There is no way I would ask a person who is probably feeling that way to consider my needs as their neighbour"

Skidoodle, When I was a newbie parent, and in that situation- which most of us have experienced at some point, my lovely neighbour came round( she could hear my baby crying). Saw the problems I was having instantly she helped me, she got me fantastic b/f support and I will be grateful to her forever. She was a damn sight more helpful than my hv / m/w. We are still friends now.

I think her parents would feel very proud of her. It all really depends on what you say when you get round the neighbours house that matters not the specifics of what motivated you in the 1st place, and if you've got the guts to go round in the 1st place and take the risk or causing probs with your neighbours. If you take the risk and do your best to help you could end up doing some real good if you get it right.

People used to help each other - I like the tea story - I wonder how much help the tea was compared with the knowledge that she wasn't alone?

I also agree with greenmonkies and I think she sounds like she talks common sense - not smugness.

In a slight aside I was signed off by the m/w last friday still haven't heard from my health visitor and this time round I have not been given ANY info on cot death. Its easy to assume that the babies mother has all the info but she may not.

I think if I was in Willows position I would go round with a congrats card and a box of chocs and write the mumsnet web address in the card in a "welcome to being a parent check out this fab website with lots of info on newborns that I found helpful, If you ever need any help with anything feel free to bang on my door"

Hopefully if she did find this thread she wouldn't realise it was about her.

AitchwonderswhoFruitCrumbleis · 12/09/2009 11:15

agreed, kitkat. i also think willow has been at pains to point out that it's not the manner that the child is being brought up that's any of her business, it's the continuing screaming presence on the other side of the partition wall. i think if she's going to do anything at all she should wait awhile and then go round bearing gifts and sincere sympathy, only the most ignorant person would send her packing then.

although, skidoodle, i'll tell you what my parents would be ashamed of, now that you mention it... that they'd bring up a child who'd grow up to imply that other people's parents love and approval for their children is misplaced if they disagreed with me during an internet debate. that would be really silly, wouldn't it?

Original poster
willow · 12/09/2009 12:18

Skiddoodle - maybe you haven't actually read all of my posts? I'm not upset by another family's parenting choices. I'm not white trash and have no desire to go round and "have it out" with my neighbours (ooh, fisticuffs while the Cortina burns) I was simply asking for opinions. Oh, and yes, my parents love me and are quite in their right to do so. (Although I doubt I slept in their room as a baby.)

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 12/09/2009 12:31

Astonishing, isn't it, that posting a museful "Hmm" gets you quite the kicking on MN these days. AIBU to loathe the tone AIBU's brought to this site? I don't think so.

Willow, how well do you know these neighbours? I don't think it's too late (if you haven't already done so, which you may well have done) to take round a present for the baby and to invite her in for a cuppa when you can broach the subject.

Of course, you'll have to make sure you do it Not At Nap Time (check a copy of The Book for when that is...), nor at washing-up-expressing-kit time, nor at ironing-labels-flat time, nor at smoothing-draw-sheet time, nor at...oh, you get the picture.

You could always try having noisy sex when the crying gets going, so your neighbour can hear just how thin the walls are?

Original poster
willow · 12/09/2009 12:37

Hello hunker, how are you? Am giggling at the noisy sex idea. Expect DH might be positively enthusiastic at this suggestion.

OP posts:
Original poster
willow · 12/09/2009 12:37

And totally agree with comments on the new tone.

OP posts:
ilovemydogandmrobama · 12/09/2009 12:41

Thinking strategically, you need her to be in your flat when her baby cries so she can say, 'hmm, didn't realize you could hear her...'

hunkermunker · 12/09/2009 13:30

Am well and busy, thank you, Willow. How are you?

It's less like a rational conversation and more like a "look at ME, I am saying the most outrageous and unkind thing to the OP here, I bet she is inadequate in many and various areas of her life AS WELL!" competition now in certain areas - sad, really.

GibbonInARibbon · 12/09/2009 13:36

well said hunker, noticed the same on my return.

GibbonInARibbon · 12/09/2009 13:38

If I had left it another year I'll wager I would have returned see a simple

'you're a cunt'

on most AIBU threads.

ilovemydogandmrobama · 12/09/2009 13:48

Not everyone has been unkind.

hunkermunker · 12/09/2009 14:02

Gibbon! Still got your ribbon - v pretty

And no, not everybody has been unkind, but there is a flavour on threads like these and it's not one I'd be hailing as a top new ice cream taste, shall we say?

GibbonInARibbon · 12/09/2009 14:06

Good to see you hunker

Original poster
willow · 12/09/2009 15:33

Gibbon - indeed!

Hunker, am fine and well thank you. However, I do come from a broken home, so maybe that has something to do with my inhumanity to man?

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 12/09/2009 19:33

Careful, Willow, don't give them fodder

mollythetortoise · 12/09/2009 21:04

could you say the baby is waking your children (tired for school etc)rather than you, she might be more sympathetic to that. I slept on my sofa downstairs for two months with both my babies in moses basket on floor so I wouldn't disturb the neighbours.

AitchwonderswhoFruitCrumbleis · 12/09/2009 21:54

good idea, molly.

i think AIBU is killing MN.

hunkermunker · 12/09/2009 21:57

You're not wrong, Aitch.

edd021208 · 12/09/2009 21:59

eh...yabvvu to say 'I'm not white trash' - racist, classist and doing yourself no favours. Why do you think that is an acceptable term?

sparklycheerymummy · 12/09/2009 22:01

my neighbours newborn cries and i think.... awwwwww bless it..... great its not mine and go back to sleep!!!! YABVVU How awful would you feel if you were struggling with a baby and then your neighbour has a go at you..... however politely you put it doesnt matter. That poor new mother would then be neurotic every time the baby whimpers. OP do you have children???? perhaps you were one of the very very few people who has a baby that rarely cries..... shame on you for being so selfish.

sparklycheerymummy · 12/09/2009 22:07

but yes as a few people have said..... offering some sympathy may be better..... but maybe if you bump into her on the doorstep not making a special trip to go round.it is hard to sleep when there is noise around you but really there is nothing they can do...... if they were jumping every time the baby murmered someone would criticise them for that!!!!

AitchwonderswhoFruitCrumbleis · 12/09/2009 22:12

you need to speak to expat about white trash, suffice it to say that it's not racist.

nooka · 12/09/2009 22:23

It is racist as a term because it is about a single racial group (abet very broad brush). After all if you said "poor black trash" that woudl be considered racists too. That you (or anyone else for that matter) may feel it accurate is neither here nor there.

I don't think AIBU has changed the boards at all (at least not from the perspective of my five years here), just corralled the more strident discussions in one place. In any case I don't think that this particular thread has got out of hand (I can't see anything out and out rude or nasty, although maybe I've glossed over that), just that there is more than one way to react to any given situation.

Personally I think that the mental fragility of a new parent should be a factor in this discussion, and as such the OP should be a little slower to jump to conclusions about the parenting skills of her neighbour.

The true complaint here surely is about the poor design of houses so that noise leaks through so incredibly easily.