to be hurt at comment re not being with ds very much as i work??!!!

[cheekymonk]

Morning all!
DS starts school today and was talking to neighbour about it, who is a sahm with 3 kids. She said that 'well you work so you are used to not seeing ds much but it will still be a shock when he starts school'.

I think this is really out of order and very smug and self righteous! yes I have worked since ds was 1 and started with 2 days and now work 4 days/26 hours per week. It is not all day every day. A child starting school is a wrench for ANY parent imo and even if I did work full-time I think this is an unnecessary comment.

I have had this week off with ds and really enjoyed being with him. Perhaps I am questioning my decisions and do feel guilty so am sensitive to comments like these!

I do feel that there is an under current of because I have been working, ds starting school is less of a big deal and almost like I have not earnt the right to enjoy 'the break' once he goes because I have been working!! I am changing hours to fit exactly with school hours and am lucky my job is flexible enough to do that but will have no 'break' like many parents.

I just hate that being a working mum makes me somehow less of a mum in some people's eyes. it is unfair, insulting and untrue!

How on earth can you get that SM, given that you don't een know if the neighbour exists, have no insight into their mind or character even if they do, and have no possible way of knowing anything about them? Even for this threas, thats a stretch too far!

awww it's still a big deal to you.
but i do see whazt your neighbour was trying to say allbeit clumsily

your doing your very best, thats all any of can do really

yes being deliberately provocative,and speculative and trying to make a point - assumptions are being made freely on this thread about OP and the neighbour.i made an unsubstantiated whimsy point in response to other unsubstantiated points

of course we have no idea of neighbours motives,but hell everyone is trying their best to guess hers and OP

In RL LOADS of mums care/judge/discuss/bitch about who works and who's SAHM.
The bit I agree with is that those of us who do feel hurt or judged need to ask ourselves why we care so much and be honest about that.

"need to ask ourselves why we care so much and be honest about that. "

What does that mean though ? Who isn't being honest?

I mean people like me, FT mum, who are sensitive to these kind of remarks which may or not be innocent, need to ask ourselves why we care?

I.e is it guilt or some other issue making us care/get upset

And no need for the '?'

i take the view we made choices that suit us,not anyone else.and tbh don't give their opinion 2nd thought

Ah I see. I think that it's quite clear why we care. I think it's because we don't make decisions about our DC in a vacuum. We may need/want to work, working may suit us and our families best, but we are all aware that there are social attitudes to leaving small children in the care of people other than their families that have an impact too. Over and above what suits us. Whether we enjoy work or not, we feel guilty about it because it's not the 'right thing' to do. And I don't think 'honesty' is required, just less judgment from others IYSWIM.

I'm sure that's all true. I know I'm hyper-sensitive to people appearing not to value the role of SAHPs. But that's why it's very valuable to listen to other people's POV - eg (in this case) when several SAHMs pop up to say 'I have honestly never heard a real-life SAHM make any judgement at all of WOHMs'. It can be a useful corrective to understandable sensitivity.

Orimirian - have to say I totally agree with u.

For the record neighbour said the original comment very matter of factly/as a throwaway comment. I'm not sure that she did intend to offend me. She does tend to be disarmingly honest which I like but sometimes have trouble dealing with. I like her. She does have drink problems and has suffered domestic violence but I know how much she loves her kids. One time we were there her dh told her eldest (aged 10) to fuck off which I was truly shocked by. I genuinely like the kids too.
I normally only see her when she has had a skinful and thus has the confidence to be really friendly! However, said comment was said when sober I think.
I don't think i have my head up my arse. Some people are more rhino skinned than others.

so dont let the ole lush get to you

She was stating fact, not making a comment on your parenting skills so YABU.

Yet another thread that reminds me never to speak within a hundred yards of a woman of child bearing age. No matter what you say, offence can and will be taken.

No, cheekymonk, I'm not getting personal and you haven't got my back up. What judgements have you made about SAHMS? That they are some kind of alien species and somehow different to the "nursery mums"* and that because the majority of the mothers at the local school are apparently SAHM you will be subject to judging. I merely pointed out that the vast majority actually won't give a damn whether you WOTH or not.

• WTF is a "nursery mum" anyway?? DD was in nursery 2 full days a week, does that make me a "nursery mum" and have I now changed into something else now she's left to go to the pre-school nursery at DSs school?

anyhow, glad he enjoyed the first day.

This is such a sensitive area for working mothers, you're bound to feel more vulnerable about it. Not knowing your friend's tone or facial expression I couldn't possibly guess at whether there was the underlying meaning which you interpreted. However, from the words you quoted:

'well you work so you are used to not seeing ds much but it will still be a shock when he starts school'.

• it sounds as though she was being both matter-of-fact and at the same time empathic - saying that despite working 4 days you will still find school a wrench.

You can't get away from the fact that you do see your DS less than you would if you were a SAHM - that is a fact of life with no judgement attached. You could make similarly non-judgemental statements about SAHMs and their impact on the economy or some other aspect of life.

I think your feelings are affecting the way you're interpreting her words.

You could offer to help her find activities to fill the long, empty hours.
I've always worked, that's the way the finances worked out. And people have made tactless comments about my parenting, housekeeping personal grooming and general stuff.
Don't care, I can only be upset by people whose opinions matter to me.

Anniemac and Scottish Mummy (you make me laugh) - great posts.

I have been working ft since dd was 4 months, you do come across quite a lot of snidy remarks. They used to make me very upset and paranoid, but is all water off a duck's back now (took a long time, dd is a teenager now).

Anniemac - you made a great point about it is not just the shock of not having your dc physically there, rather the emotional idea of transition/growing up which is a wrench. And the significance of the milestone of a child starting school is just as strong whether you are a WOHM or SAHM.

Starting school is also a rite of passage that all children go through, they are going into a new phase of their life. Not all children go to nursery so whether or not you are working or SAHM, its a big deal. Just imagining my DD in a school uniform makes me want to cry and she is only 11 months! I don't think this woman was being harsh, sometimes you want to empathise and it comes out wrong. . Hope the first day went well.

There are lots of snide remarks directed at SAHMs too!

I've been thinking about this, and I do think there is an added dimension for SAHMs when their children go to school - a sense of redundancy. Of course you are still their mother and they still need you, but in the sense that you identifies yourself through your job, a signifcant chunk of your identity has suddenly gone.

YANBU to be hurt but I think she didn't mean anything and you are being abit sensitive. I have been both f/t WOHM and SAHM and have had more comments (to my face anyway) as a SAHM, usually from WOHM relatives. Usually of the type 'doing nothing' etc.

They don't bother me at all as I am 100% happy with my choice. I was 100% happy when I worked too (till I decided to leave when I wasn't happy)but probably because I had chosen to work/not to work, I may have felt different had I been forced to work/not work.

None of the mums at my school seem to care who works, I would guess about 50% are SAHMs and only a small number work f/t. the only bitching I hear is about a mum who works very long hours through choice,is very competitive and materialistic and rarely has her son at the weekend either. Still, it's her choice and she would probably be simelar type of person if she was a SAHM.

The best thing is to not give a toss what anyone says or possibly thinks about you, but you are still not being unreasonable to be a bit hurt. She should have thought before she opened her mouth. She doesn't know you.