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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hurt at comment re not being with ds very much as i work??!!!

104 replies

cheekymonk · 10/09/2009 10:23

Morning all!
DS starts school today and was talking to neighbour about it, who is a sahm with 3 kids. She said that 'well you work so you are used to not seeing ds much but it will still be a shock when he starts school'.

I think this is really out of order and very smug and self righteous! yes I have worked since ds was 1 and started with 2 days and now work 4 days/26 hours per week. It is not all day every day. A child starting school is a wrench for ANY parent imo and even if I did work full-time I think this is an unnecessary comment.

I have had this week off with ds and really enjoyed being with him. Perhaps I am questioning my decisions and do feel guilty so am sensitive to comments like these!

I do feel that there is an under current of because I have been working, ds starting school is less of a big deal and almost like I have not earnt the right to enjoy 'the break' once he goes because I have been working!! I am changing hours to fit exactly with school hours and am lucky my job is flexible enough to do that but will have no 'break' like many parents.

I just hate that being a working mum makes me somehow less of a mum in some people's eyes. it is unfair, insulting and untrue!

OP posts:
posieparker · 10/09/2009 13:03

I don't think it was a nasty comment at all. I think it is probably true that when you work a child starting school is not 'an empty chair at lunchtime' or less noise in the house all day. But it is still the same exciting step for your child.

Working/at home we're all loving parents, I hope.

boyngirl · 10/09/2009 13:05

YANBU

It was insensitive. She may or may not have meant it as a dig/to feel smug about her own decisions, but it is hurtful.

I work FT and I am sensitive to comments like this. Yes of course my own (mild) guilt comes into it and an insecurity about not being in the 'proper' mothers gang.

My own mother said to me casually a few months ago 'I know your weekends are precious BECAUSE YOU DON'T SEE YOUR KIDS IN THE WEEK'. I was crushed - I see a lot of my dc in the week. I had it written into my contract that I take kids to school every day and I am always back by 6pm so have 2 hours every evening.

Yes I digress, yes I am being defensive!!

I take the point that a SAHM will actually feel more of a void during the day but not that is any less of an emotional transition for working mum

scottishmummy · 10/09/2009 13:08

it is nasty it implies negligent and absent (emotionally/physically),but the sahm will really miss her dc as she sees them daily.

but hey ho. best ignored. as in scheme of things it doesnt matter

Bigmouthstrikesagain · 10/09/2009 13:24

I can't quite get my head around the way this neighbours words quoted by cheekymonk have been interpreted by posters on this thread!

Cheeky is clearly feeling offended even if offence wasn't meant, I am sorry that she is,she certainly should not be judged for working or made to feel that her experience of ds starting school is some how lessened by this. I don't know if the neighbour intended that outcome - only the neighbour herself knows.

But quite a few posters seem to have read 'well you are a heartless beyatch who dumps her kid in childcare work so you are used to not seeing ds much I love my children more but it will still be a shock when he starts school' instead of 'well you work so you are used to not seeing ds much but it will still be a shock when he starts school'. Which seems relatively innocent to me!

I had ds in pre-school for 2 1/2 days a week by the time he started school so I found the transition was much easier as a result.

Original poster
cheekymonk · 10/09/2009 13:26

Soupdragon you seem to be getting pretty personal, I have clearly got your back up! What judgements have I made about sahms? Yes I am over sensitive and defensive. I don't assume all sahms will have a problem with me or any other working mum, I am not THAT egocentric! I was being flippant re the comment about expecting judgement and agree if I expect criticism I will get it (self fulfilling prophecy and all that) but it does have to be said that there isn't always tolerance and understanding of the choices people make.

BTW ds has just gone to school absolutely fine. So grown up and I am just left feeling proud and chuffed (and a little bit lost too!)

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 10/09/2009 13:34

glad your wee boy settled in ok.did he look smart in uniform.did you take a photograph

and mere mention of working mums on mn usually brings out some arsey comments,and anecdotes of as a sahm, blah blah

best ignored.

1dilemma · 10/09/2009 13:39

YANBU
she was being smug but like others have said only you know how she said it

(I work BTW I suspect that might make a difference )

anniemac · 10/09/2009 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

1dilemma · 10/09/2009 13:44

Actually please can I change my post to wot Annie said it was very nicely phrased

GirlsAreLOud · 10/09/2009 13:44

I know TONS of SAHM's who have their children in pre-school/nursery well before they go to school for a fair number of hours. So I don't necessarily follow the argument that all SAHM's will notice the difference more than WOHM.

My DD goes to the c/m 15 hours a week, which is less time than my SAHM friend's DS spends in pre-school.

ClaraDeLaNoche · 10/09/2009 13:44

Like your style anniemac.

policywonk · 10/09/2009 13:47

That's interesting Annie (and reiterates how much this issue is about personal perceptions that will be slightly different for everyone - my DS1 has been at school for a couple of years now, and while I feel a fleeting sadness when term starts, the sense of separation and loss is a great deal less acute than it was when he started school).

I do think that the OP's neighbour was tactless - it's never a good idea to make assumptions about how someone else feels.

anniemac · 10/09/2009 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pooexplosions · 10/09/2009 14:32

I can't believe how much people are reading into an innocent comment. Woman has been called heartless cow, nasty bitch, insensitive, smug, horrible, and on and on. Bloody hell, defensive much?

If you work full time, you likely spend less time with your children than if you don't. Thats a fact, not a value judgement. I was a wohm, until my second child was born, and I didn't see my son that much during the week, he went to bed an hour or so after I got in from work. How I felt about my choice to do that was my own thing, somebody stating the bloody obvious was neither here nor there. I was not a better or worse mother for working, and I am not better or worse for not working, just different.

What I see here is people assigning their own issues and problems to a throwaway comment, and going way overboard. If you feel so judged, ask yourself who is judging you? I think you'll find its yourself more than others. Other people care a lot less about what you do and how you raise your children than you think.

scottishmummy · 10/09/2009 14:40

clearly OP doesnt see it as "innocent comment"

and lets face it AIBU always is high expressed emotion and verbose responses

thta is what makes it so readable. stripped down,to the point responses.

some you likey
some not

policywonk · 10/09/2009 14:46

annie, a friend of mine who's older than I and has a lot more kids says that parenthood is primarily a process of letting go. As you say, we probably all feel that very acutely over quite long periods. It's particularly horrible when you're anticipating an upcoming separation though.

pooexplosions · 10/09/2009 14:48

No, shes reading way too much into it. As did you.
I think most here have been reading far too much AIBU and think that people in RL are as judgeypants as this lot here. Which, in general, they aren't.

You want stripped down and to the point? Ok, heres mine, OP (and those agreeing) should pull head out of own arse and stop thinking the world is out to get her and own her own bloody choices.

scottishmummy · 10/09/2009 14:52

naturally i think my responses are spot on. i am hardly likely to say oh hang on thanks poo i am reading too much in to it

same as you wont say,hey gals just read the thread again and the neighbour is a tweety nosy git

pooexplosions · 10/09/2009 14:56

You might. Isn't that the point, to be open to the PO of others and possibly change your original stance? Otherwise you might as well not bother, if you are jsut going to shout "I'm right!" all the time. (except for me of course, i am right, natch ).

Niecie · 10/09/2009 14:58

Well said Pooexplosion.

I'll say again 'really out of order and very smug and self righteous'. Hugh over reaction.

At most it might be a bit annoying for those over sensitive enough to think the neighbour is judging them and finding them wanting but really I think the problem is the OP not her neighbour.

scottishmummy · 10/09/2009 14:59

in RL very few other mum's care who work/sahm.
i certainly dont

Niecie · 10/09/2009 14:59

Not sure who this 'Hugh' person is who crept into my post there but that should have been huge obviously.

scottishmummy · 10/09/2009 15:01

i think the neighbour has the problem not the OP. neighbour projecting her own insecurities and angst onto OP

policywonk · 10/09/2009 15:04

at 'hugh over-reaction'. That Hugh, he needs to have a nice cup of camomile tea.

scottishmummy · 10/09/2009 15:08

hugh over reaction wasnt he paula yates dad