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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be hurt at comment re not being with ds very much as i work??!!!

104 replies

cheekymonk · 10/09/2009 10:23

Morning all!
DS starts school today and was talking to neighbour about it, who is a sahm with 3 kids. She said that 'well you work so you are used to not seeing ds much but it will still be a shock when he starts school'.

I think this is really out of order and very smug and self righteous! yes I have worked since ds was 1 and started with 2 days and now work 4 days/26 hours per week. It is not all day every day. A child starting school is a wrench for ANY parent imo and even if I did work full-time I think this is an unnecessary comment.

I have had this week off with ds and really enjoyed being with him. Perhaps I am questioning my decisions and do feel guilty so am sensitive to comments like these!

I do feel that there is an under current of because I have been working, ds starting school is less of a big deal and almost like I have not earnt the right to enjoy 'the break' once he goes because I have been working!! I am changing hours to fit exactly with school hours and am lucky my job is flexible enough to do that but will have no 'break' like many parents.

I just hate that being a working mum makes me somehow less of a mum in some people's eyes. it is unfair, insulting and untrue!

OP posts:

Conundrumish · 10/09/2009 10:52

I am a SAHM and I think that my youngest child starting nursery this week may have affected me possibly more than a working mother. Having given up a reasonably good career and brought up children, they do in a way become your 'job' as well as your children. I have had more than one 'what now?' moments this week and have had to take a long look at what I do now. I imagine if I had kept working, I would have been able to bury myself in my work to get through this hard bit.

I'm sure she probably meant something like I have explained above and am totally shocked by the 'Definately rude of her. She is obviously just intimidated by the fact you manage to hold a job and bring up your child' comment.

ClaraDeLaNoche · 10/09/2009 10:54

It's my Spanish hooker name - Clare of the Night.

Conundrumish · 10/09/2009 10:54

SoupDragon - spot on.

pigsinmud · 10/09/2009 10:55

Sorry but don't see anything smug in that comment. She stated a fact you are used to seeing your ds less as you work. She didn't say anythign about being less of a mum.

If you didn't work the house would seem very empty without your ds there, however as you work you'll be busy therefore won't notice the empty house so much - I think you're being a litlle oversensitive.

Rubyrubyruby · 10/09/2009 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stigaloid · 10/09/2009 10:56

I think you are being over-sensitive. She obviously didn't mean to offend you but you took offense anyway. Do you remember how hard it was going back to work for the first time? Well she is about to experience that herself.

Don't beat yourself up. I hope your son enjoys school.

jammietart · 10/09/2009 10:56

Think you could look at it as my DS starting school will be more of a wrench for me as a SAHM than it will be for DH who is at work all day. But being a working parent doesn't make you less of a parent either.

I think your neighbour is probably as defensive and feels as guilty about being a SAHM as you are about being a part-time working mum.

Niecie · 10/09/2009 10:58

I think there is a difference between it being a wrench and it being a big deal.

A lot of working mothers don't have their DC with them as much as a SAHM would and therefore you are used to his absence. It doesn't make you any less of a mother of course.

However, that doesn't mean it isn't a big deal. It is a change of routine, another milestone passed and the potential for a whole new set of experiences, successes and problems.

So, I can't decide if you are being unreasonable or not or whether there is just a bit of misunderstanding going on. Depends on her tone I suppose. If said with a sneer YANBU. If said in a neutral way or even in an envious way, YABU.

WhingeBobShitPants · 10/09/2009 11:01

poor OP she has posted because she is feeling a bit bruised by what her neighbour said and she has received the usual brusque blunt-to-the-point-of-posturing AIBU leathering

it IS bruising when you feel criticised as a parent, whether the person meant to hurt your feelings or not

and of course it will be a wrench when your child starts school, it's much more than just the extra hours spent apart - life changes forever when your first child hits school age

I don't think YABU OP - I would feel a little wounded by this as well

Original poster

cheekymonk · 10/09/2009 11:01

Wow, most response I've ever had on here! Definitely some really valid points. I don't think my neighbour is a bitch but yes I did feel it was tactless. There was some truth in it and I do feel I did not need to be reminded when I was already struggling with lots of emotions!

To answer you soupdragon, its just how it feels. She has been the most vocal in bringing into the conversation the fact that I work. Everyone else has just been sympathetic to the big change that it is. This is because I am not in contact with that many sahms however and am used to nursery mums. It will be different now clearly as ds is going to local school and the majority of the mums by me are sahms. I look forward to lots more judgement!

OP posts:

lal123 · 10/09/2009 11:02

I also think you are being oversensitive. I'm a working Mum and when DD1 started school it didn't make much difference to my overall day - I didn't see her during the day before, I don't see her during the day now. It was much more of a wrench for her gran - who has looked after her since she was 6 months old.

Doesn't make me any less of a Mum.

Original poster

cheekymonk · 10/09/2009 11:05

Thanks whingebobshitpants x I must get off here anyway and enjoy the rest of our morning. Will be time to get his uniform on soon! Bless him. God I love that child...

OP posts:

policywonk · 10/09/2009 11:06

In my experience, SAHMs don't stand around judging working mums at the school gates - really (we're all too busy talking about manicures . Honestly, if you turn up at school with the ingrained assumption that all the SAHMs are bitching behind your back, you're going to be a) mistaken, and b) making things very hard for yourself.

OrmIrian · 10/09/2009 11:06

Stupid cow!

However she 'meant' it it was unkind.

katiestar · 10/09/2009 11:11

Well after nearly 15 years parenthood mostly as a SAHM,I was absolutely delighted for my yougest to start school last week
'Wrench', my arae !!

seeker · 10/09/2009 11:15

But you ARE used to seeing less of your ds than if you were at home all the time! It's just a fact. What she probably meant was that because of that you might not be so much of a gibbering wreck on the first day as someone who had spent the last 5 years constantly with their dc.

pooexplosions · 10/09/2009 11:33

Some people will find insults anywhere. She was making conversation, you are the ones reading so much into it.

I'm a SAHM at the mo. I don't judge the wohm, I couldn't care less who does what. I chat to the women I know and thats all. Sounds to me like you are judging her. What she said was in essence the truth, its your own issues you are struggling with.

OtterInaSkoda · 10/09/2009 11:45

The wrench (if there is one ? lol @ katiestar) is surely to do with your dc going to ?proper? school and starting formal education and less to do with the time you spend (or don?t) with them. Anyway, the OP?s dc probably spends a couple of hours a day more at nursery than SAHMs? dcs using their free places ? so not that much longer really.
The OP?s neighbour was tactless. And perhaps a little . The OP is however being a leetle over-sensitive. But then am I when SAHMs say similar things to me. So YANBU

policywonk · 10/09/2009 11:53

Surely one way forward in this whole blasted WOHP/SAHP issue is for each of us to try to see other points of view. For most SAHPs, the wrench has a great deal to do with the separation - just as when WOHMs first return to work after maternity leave (think of all the threads we see on here from women feeling sad about that). That's not so hard to understand, surely?

My DCs didn't take up their free nursery provision - DS2 has been at home with me all day, every day for 4 and a half years (with a very few exceptions). I know this would be some people's idea of hell, but I've loved it.

I think the OP has, for whatever reasons, developed a set of preconceptions about SAHMs, one of which is that all SAHMs judge all WOHMs and always find them wanting, and consider themselves to be better parents. This is poppycock, but if it's what the OP is determined to see, then it's what she will see.

Conundrumish · 10/09/2009 12:28

'I look forward to lots more judgement! ' - agree with Policywonk - you are going to make your own life very hard if you assume all SAHMs are judging working mothers. Who cares? People go back to work for so many reasons. People don't go back to work for lots of reasons too.

Niecie · 10/09/2009 12:42

Spot on Policywonk. I really couldn't care less if other mothers work outside the home, much less judge them and find them wanting. Half the time I have no idea who works and who doesn't unless they wear a uniform.

Revisiting the OP 'really out of order, very smug and self righteous' doesn't just sound like somebody being a bit over sensitive but a completely over the top reaction all together. The biggest judger doesn't seem to be the neighbour but the OP.

scottishmummy · 10/09/2009 12:44

dont worry about inanae comments from a drippy hand knitted tampon earth mother.she probably wouldn't know work if it got up and bit her on the arse

her snidey comments say more about her than you

SoupDragon · 10/09/2009 12:50

"I look forward to lots more judgement!"

Judgement just like you yourself make about SAHMs. Really, 99% don't give a flying fuck whether you work out-of-the-home or not.

curiositykilled · 10/09/2009 12:54

I think you are reading into her comment a bit too much. I'm not sure she meant it would be easy for you and ds because you haven't raised him anyway. Yes your ds is more used to being separated from you but he is not used to being in school so it is a big change for you and him especially with you changing your working hours.

Whatever you do as a mum other people will do differently and some people will judge, disagree or be snotty or superior. The only control you can have over it is knowing that what you have chosen is right for you and being happy with that. Let other people say and think what they like, it's better for your mental health to assume people mean well (even if they don't)

scottishmummy · 10/09/2009 13:00

hope your wee boy settles well,yes it is a biggie for you both

dont bother about snidey comments.cant expect someone else to agree with your decisions

and it is all froth,how we individually chose to balance our life and commitments is personal.

as long as children are loved,nurtured,given affirmation it doesnt matter whether mum works or not

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