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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my own bedroom (ie not share with DH)?

47 replies

Sugarmagnolia · 07/09/2009 09:52

totally rhetorical question as don't have a spare bedroom and won't be moving any time soon but...

I have never been a great sleeper and have gotten progressively worse over the years. On a typical night I get up 3-5 times a night & go to the loo. I was beginning to think I had some kind of serious bladder problem but a close relative said her theory is that if I'm a light sleeper i get woken by other things and just decide to get up and go to the loo as long as I'm awake anyway.

So anyway, DH has been away since thursday and I realised I haven't slept this well in years! Last night I only woke once to go the loo. Once! Can't remember the last time I only woke up once in the night. And I feel so much better for it. I miss DH and am looking forward to him coming back tomorrow but part of me is disappointed that I'll have to go back to sharing our lovely, comfy bed.

OP posts:

Poledra · 07/09/2009 09:55

Sugar, my DH is away on business and I had the same thought myself this morning. DH comes to bed later than me, so I often get woken up then. What's worse is 13-mo DD3 still shares our room, and he disturbs her - but she doesn't wake up till about 30 minutes later, when DH is snoring happily and it would take a bomb to get him back up. Then I have to go to the loo etc etc etc.......

cba · 07/09/2009 09:55

no you are not bu, i am also a light sleeper and 37 weeks pregnant on wed. dh is away on business and I am loving having the bed to myself.

I often have to creep out of the bed in the night and go downstairs to sleep properly.

I could never co-sleep with dc as I would never ever sleep.

Just keep the closeness in other ways.

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 07/09/2009 09:57

Yes, in fact the DCs are sleeping better too now you mention it. DH normally gets up about 6/6:15 and by 6:30 the kids are up. But the last few days I've gotten up 6:45/7 to find them still asleep! So it's clearly ALL HIS FAULT!

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haventsleptforayear · 07/09/2009 09:58

DH and I would both like to have separate bedrooms and sleep better apart (sometimes one or other of us takes off to the spare room).

However it nearly split us up when DS2 was born and DH slept in the spare room for 6 mths+ "to get his sleep" and it still rankles now!

I would miss our chats before we go to sleep and morning cuddles.

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 07/09/2009 09:59

cba - totally agree about the co-sleeping. I could never sleep with a child in the bed. on the rare occasions one has crawled into bed after a bad dream i lie there awake waiting for them to fall asleep again then carry them back to bed before getting back to sleep myself.

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Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 07/09/2009 09:59

haven'tslept -yes, good point about the chats before bed. I do like that.

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claricebeansmum · 07/09/2009 10:00

I long for living like the artistocracy. I would have my bedroom, DH would have his. He could pop in and out freely but I would have MY room. I really like the idea of having my own room. It would have a big bed and a day bed .

ABetaDad · 07/09/2009 10:16

Sugarmagnolia - for some of the time I have slept separate from DW when I feel/felt ill (like last night).

I do wake up a lot as I am a light sleeper but cannot then get back to sleep once I wake. I do sleep better apart BUT I do not like it at all because of all the emotional issues involved. One solution is to buy a larger bed or even better two single beds with separate matresses that you can put side by side so body movements by the other person do not wake you up but you are still sleeping together.

The other issue to think about is whether your DP is waking you up with snoring or he is constantly waking himself with sleep apnoea. Both are treatable conditions but have the potential to ruin relationships through sleep deprivation.

pjmama · 07/09/2009 10:18

Do you think it's the snoring and farting that disturbs or his shuffling about? If it's his fidgeting that wakes you, you could try twin beds?

As a special treat once a week me and DH take it in turns to have a night in the spare room AND a lie in - bliss! The one night of the week when I get a full night's sleep, undisturbed by snoring or little people trying to climb in with me!

Seriously tho, we did sleep seperately for months when we were having major problems with DS night waking and it does take it's toll after a while. If felt like we were drifting apart and had lost intimacy. All better now tho! I wouldn't recommend it long term, but now and again is very nice.

haventsleptforayear · 07/09/2009 10:26

My B&SIL have bought one of those beds which is a double but the mattresses are seperate iyswim.

They say it's great and we are seriously thinking of getting one.

We slept on a sofa bed recently that had a two part mattress and it was fantastic too.

diddl · 07/09/2009 10:43

We have a single mattress each in one frame, plus a quilt each.
Bliss.
Doesn´t solve snoring, though, if that´s a problem!

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 07/09/2009 10:59

We have quite a big bed yes - shuffling about and farting still disturbing! We once slept in a hotel with a fabulously comfortable bed - it was a huge bed but with separate duvets - wonder if that's worth a try. Already sleep with earplugs to combat the snoring although to be fair that's much better now DH has taken up running and lost some weight.

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bumpsoon · 07/09/2009 11:44

My parents have had seperate rooms for well over 15yrs now ,it started because my dad worked shifts and my mum was being constantly woken when he came in from lates/nights ,it doesnt apprear to have spoiled their relationship at all !

ThingumyandBob · 07/09/2009 11:48

You can?t be?I was reading an article a while ago, I can?t find I on line anymore, but apparently builders are building homes with 2 master bedrooms to cater for couples who don?t want to sleep in the same bed every night but want to ?meet up? for nights here and there!

TheDMshouldbeRivened · 07/09/2009 11:54

YANBU. dh and I have had seperate rooms for years. He snores and I never get any sleep.
But now I have to co -sleep with dd (5) and I'm not getting sleep there either!

slowreadingprogress · 07/09/2009 11:55

i've always thought how lovely that would be. Like the aristocratic thing of husband and wife having their own bedroom suites. Very, very civilised.

fircone · 07/09/2009 11:55

Mil chucked out fil years ago. She has one of those 'aristocratic' bedrooms (albeit in a 3-bed 70s house) with special dressing table sets and carefully-placed ornaments. Fil sleeps in the spare room but has to pack up all his stuff every morning as she doesn't want him spreading out and making a mess in there. He also has to carry his sponge bag back and forth from the bathroom as he isn't allowed to keep toothbrush/shaving stuff in there either. She really knows how to tame a man.

Dh and I invested in a big bed a couple of years ago. And a really firm expensive mattress. It is the best item of furniture I have ever bought. And blackout curtains. I slept horribly and not being able to feel someone shifting in the bed and a really dark room has improved matters no end.

Tortington · 07/09/2009 11:56

i am looking forward to this myself when my daughter leaves home in a few years.

Dophus · 07/09/2009 11:57

We often have musical beds at night as me DH and 2 DCs swap and ahcnge as children try o get close ot me, I try to get away from DH and DCs.

DH snores, I'm a light sleeper and it is really problematic in our relationship.

slowreadingprogress · 07/09/2009 11:59

it all sounds like the recipe for a happy marriage to me!

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 07/09/2009 12:01

?Civilised? - I like that!

My mum and dad have actually spread out into a total of 3 bedrooms for the 2 of them. They have their master bedroom that they share and sleep in together most of the time but they also use the two extra bedrooms as spare rooms/offices where they can both move to on an as needed basis. But my dad is also allowed to keep all his extra junk in his spare room and only has to move it all out when there are visitors who need to use the room. fircone i do feel bit bad for your FIL!

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Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 07/09/2009 12:02

Dophus - have you tried sleeping with earplugs? I'm obviously still not a great sleeper or I wouldn't be having this conversation but it does make a big difference (like between sleeping but waking several times a night and hardly sleeping at all)

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WalrusAndTheCarpenter · 07/09/2009 12:05

Mil also kicked out Fil many many years ago (due to his snoring).

Like you magnolia, I too thought I had a bladder weakness problem because I was getting up so much and then discovered when dh went away, that I didn't wake up at all.

His snoring is horrendous though. Abetadad, there isn't always something that can be done. Fil had operations to try and cure his snoring and nothing worked. The doctors have said dh is the same and it's just the way his palate and nose/throat are that means he snores like a donkey (as he has the same build as his dad) which is great .

I am completely exhausted by it tbh! It has totally mucked up my sleep and there doesn't seem to be anything that can make it better (have tried ear plugs, white noise etc.). I would love to sleep separately but dh hates the idea and we don't have room. I quite often end up on the couch though as I get fed up of trying to get back to sleep once I've woken up!

MaMight · 07/09/2009 12:10

Oh god yes. It is the way forward.

May I raise the stakes and suggest separate bathrooms too?

In our old house I comandeered the ensuite bathroom (which was a bit pokey and didn't have a good shaving mirror) and dh and the kids shared the main family bathroom. It was bliss and I got fiercely protective about MY bathroom. I got to spread all my ointments and unguents on every surface without having to leave a tile free for his toothbrush and razor. I could leave my dirty knickers on the floor without anyone knowing or thinking less of me. No one peed on the floor or left the seat up or gave their hands "a quick wash" and dried them on my face towel. It never smelled of someone elses poo. I could have an exciting assortment of sanitary protection to hand. Post babies it was possibly what kept me sane - I could retreat for a bleed and an ooze in my own space.

Mentioned an edited version of the above to DH's granny who sternly told me that separate bathrooms was the primary reason for her very long and healthy marriage.

It's the way forward.

OrmIrian · 07/09/2009 12:11

Would love to do that. But not likely any time soon.

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